I told my parents. At first they didn’t believe me, but when my mom bought the magazine and read the article she finally relented that maybe her brother is a bit off his rocker. She suggested Cole and I quit the tour, but she doesn’t understand what that would do to both of us. Neither of us is willing to forgo the tour and upset the fans just to stick it to Ian. My dad on the other hand, is looking for a new manager and was quite shocked to find out that Cole didn’t have one.
Getting rid of Ian will be hard, but will be better for me… I think. I know he does his job, but it’s the way he manipulates me to get what he wants. First with the staff he hires and now with the media. He’s supposed to protect me, not feed me as live bait to the sharks.
The tour is almost over. This makes me happy and sad. Each night, I’m looking. Looking for any sign that Ryan is in the audience or out front trying to buy tickets. I don a disguise and walk around the concourse pretending I’m a concertgoer so I can mingle with the crowd in the hope that he’s out there. Each night I come up empty. I stay awake long after everyone has gone to bed and text him, but I never receive a response. His phone rings and rings, never being answered by the one voice I so desperately want to hear. I know I screwed up, but I thought he knew I’d call him on his birthday.
No, he didn’t know. I gave him no indication that I would. I shut off our lifeline like a selfish bitch in order to protect myself and started a very public relationship with my ex. He’d know about that, I’m sure. Dylan would show him. She would make sure of it. She didn’t like me with Ryan because she wanted him for herself and I handed him to her on a silver platter. I have no doubt he knows about Cole and me and there isn’t anything I can do about it because he doesn’t answer his phone or return my texts. If he’d just return one, I’d go to where he was and get him and bring him here with me. We can live in my apartment and not have to worry about what people say.
I’m going to look for him when the tour is over. I’ll go back to Brookfield and start there, maybe hire a private investigator. I can’t believe he ran away. I know he talked about leaving, but I thought he’d wait until he graduates. A diploma can mean so much more when looking for a job.
The sun is up when I finally retire. He’s not going to answer or return my text. I crawl into bed and close my eyes. Life should be so much easier, but it’s not. My door opens slightly. I turn and find Cole standing in my doorway. He walks in and sits on my bed.
“What’s wrong?”
“Can’t sleep,” he says as he slides down the bed, resting his head on the extra pillow. I roll onto my side and face him.
I’m tired of pretending and he must be, too. He’s been so good, though. He’s the devoted boyfriend, always holding my hand, tucking my hair behind my ear at the right moment. He never complains that behind closed doors our relationship is platonic. He’s been without a partner for months now, just to help me. He’s really the best, most perfect fake boyfriend any girl could ask for.
I don’t know why I can’t love him again. He’s proven that he’s changed. That he’s trustworthy and patient. He’s a catch and any girl would be so lucky to have his blue eyes look at her the way he looks at me. His blond hair is always kept short and away from his eyes, unlike Ryan's. Both men are so different and yet could own me completely. I know Cole would welcome the opportunity, but I just can’t get Ryan out of my head.
“You should write a song with all that thinking you’re doing.” Cole’s voice is rough.
“I haven’t written songs since you and I did. I don’t have a passion for it.”
“You should try, it might help.”
I shake my head. “What are you doing in here?”
He shrugs. “I was thinking about you and us and this whole pretend thing. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on. My feelings have never gone away and the lines are so muddy right now.”
“I’m sorry,” my voice breaks as his hand cups my cheek.
“You don’t have to be sorry. I just want some of you back. I miss the happy and carefree girl that I love so much.”
A warm tear hits my pillow. Cole moves closer. He rests his forehead against mine while his hand still cups my cheek.
“What’s up, Hadley Girl? You seem so distant since that night and I don’t know how to fix things for you.”
I run my fingers through his hair. His eyes close and he hums softly. He’s always liked this and I used to do it when he was sick. “You can’t fix this, Coleman. I just need to get over him.”
“I know what would help.”
I push his shoulder lightly. “I don’t think sex is the answer.” I roll over, giving him the proverbial cold shoulder.
He pulls me close, wrapping me in his arms. We are spooning and in this position I can feel everything. “Cole?” I question as he adjusts himself.
“Can’t help it.”
“Yes, you can.”
“No, I can’t. You’re hot and you turn me on. All day long we pretend to be a couple and sometimes we sleep in the same bed. It’s starting to get to me.”
“Sex isn’t the answer.”
Cole moves so that he’s on top of me. Everything is familiar, second nature. “You’re right, it’s not, but it’s a solution.”
I have a problem, a big one. It’s the indecisiveness I create for myself on a daily basis. Sleeping with Cole last night was a mistake. He held me while I cried, which made me feel even worse. It’s not that the sex was bad, it wasn’t, never has been. It’s my erratic brain telling me I’ve done something wrong. Cole assures me that everything we did was right and perfect.
Maybe he’s right.
Maybe I should just give in and listen to my brain. I know that would make Cole happy and I’d be comfortable. I mean, that’s what people go for these days, right, comfort? I know him and he knows me. What more does a girl need?
I need love and trust. Not everyone needs those feelings, but I do. I don’t know how to move past Cole cheating. If I did, we probably would’ve gotten back together. There is nothing stopping him from doing it again.
I slide out of bed and walk into the bathroom. I have no doubt he’s awake and staring at my naked backside, but I don’t care. I lock the door for good measure. I don’t want him sneaking in thinking we are going to repeat what we did hours before. That was so stupid.
The hot water drips down my back. As much as I want to stay under this drizzle I can’t stand being in here. I get out and wrap myself in a towel. When I open the door, he’s sitting on the edge of the bed. His face looks pensive. This is exactly why we’re a mistake.
He reaches out, pulling my hand into his. He turns my hand over and kisses my palm.
“Cole—“
He stands, cupping my face and kisses me softly. “I know.” I want to reach out and pull him to me. Why can’t I love him? He kisses my forehead and leaves me standing in our room with more pain in my heart than I know what to do with. “I’ll meet you on the bus, Hadley Girl.”
Alex is dancing. This wouldn’t be a shock to me except we are cruising down the highway and she’s standing in the middle of the tour bus living room, dancing. I sit down and watch her, enjoying her carefree moment. She’s my best friend. I love her and I don’t know what I’d do without her.
The song finishes. She takes the seat next to me. She throws her head back in exasperation and starts laughing.
“What’s so funny?”
“I’m just thinking that I’m about to go crazy if we’re on this bus any longer.”
“We need a spa day when we get back to New York.”
“Definitely.”
“I slept with Cole,” I blurt out. Alex doesn’t look shocked at all. Am I that easy to read?
“I figured it was just a matter of time.”
“What’s that mean?” I ask. I bring my knee up under my leg and face her. She mimics my position.
“Cole’s good-looking, you’re beautiful and you’ve had to pretend you’re in love. It was bound to
happen. I guess it would be different if you fought all the time, but you don’t. He protects you. I think he’s still in love with you.”
“But I love Ryan.”
Alex shakes her head. “Do you? Or are you in love with the idea of someone like Ryan? Someone who isn’t part of your world?”
I sit back and ponder what she’s saying. She knows me better than anyone else, so why can’t she see that I’m in love with Ryan.
“I thought you liked Ryan?”
Alex smiles, but shakes her head. “I do, but if you were in love with him, you would’ve fought for him. There wouldn’t be a no-contact order and you wouldn’t try to call and text him when you think we’re all asleep. You need to let him go.”
I look up at her sharply. She shrugs.
“You’re not as sneaky as you think you are, Miss Carter.”
“Whatever,” I mutter. I lean over and rest my head in her lap. “I’m so messed up, Alex. I think I need some professional help.”
Alex runs her fingers through my hair. It’s calming and helps me relax. I do need help, but at what cost? Alex is right. I need to let Ryan go and move on. I just don’t know how. I promised myself after Cole that my heart would always be guarded. That I’d never let anyone in again and then I met Ryan and things changed.
Things could’ve been perfect.
CHAPTER 39
Ryan
“Shit, shit, shit,” I say under my breath as I jump into my pants. Dylan is scrambling to put on her shorts and a t-shirt all while trying to fix her hair. I high tail it out of her room and down the hall to mine, shutting the door quietly. My heart is pounding. I can feel my pulse trying to break out of my skin. My hands are shaking from nerves. I can’t believe her parents are home. They were supposed to be having dinner and catching a movie. That should’ve given us at least three hours. They weren’t even gone for one.
This is not good.
I sit on the bed and wait. Mr. and Mrs. Ross are walking down the hall. I jump when they slam their door. I’m afraid to move. My nerves are shot. I know Mr. Ross is going to burst in here any moment now and kick my ass out for having sex with his daughter… under his roof. I don’t even know why I ran to my room. I could’ve sat down at Dylan’s desk and pretended to study. I guess it’s better than thinking I had to jump out of the window. Instead I’m sitting here, in my jeans with no boxers on because they are on Dylan’s bedroom floor where she flung them. To make matters worse, I’m still wearing a used condom.
How did she even know they were home? She all but threw me off of her and whisper yelled at me to get dressed. I definitely wasn’t listening to anything but her. I was trying to satisfy her and do what she liked. I’m going to have to ask her because if she’s not into it, I… I don’t know what. I do know I need to get to the bathroom and take care of things. I’m getting a bit uncomfortable sitting here in my jeans.
“Ugh!” I rub my hand over my face. I can’t stand it anymore. I get up and throw open my bedroom door and startle Mrs. Ross. She jumps, bumping her head on the wall. “Crap,” I say as I reach for her. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, you just scared me. I figured you were sleeping like Dylan.”
She’s sleeping? How can she pretend to be sleeping when her parents almost caught us? “I was just gonna take a shower.” Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do.
Mrs. Ross’s smile drops when she looks at my bare chest. I should’ve probably grabbed a t-shirt. I try to cover myself when her eyes look at me sharply.
“Since when do you have a girlfriend?”
“Um…”
“Are you being safe?”
I look at her questioningly.
“I know a hickey when I see one, Ryan. I know you’re trying to hide it, but you’re eighteen and I know you’re going to… you know, but please be safe. Do you need me to buy you some condoms?” Her face is red, probably matching the same color as mine.
Awkward.
“I think I’m okay, Mrs. Ross.” She pats me on the shoulder and continues down the hall. I take this opportunity to escape into the bathroom before Mr. Ross comes out of the room. I’m still curious as to why they're home so early, but think I might hang out in my room for the rest of the night. I definitely don’t want any more uncomfortable conversations, especially with my sub-parents.
I thought last night was awkward but that is nothing compared to how things are today. Dylan isn’t talking to me. She’s not holding my hand and she didn’t wait for me to walk her to class. I don’t know what I did, or what changed.
Now I’m walking down the hall by myself and I don’t like it. Even before we started dating we were together, except those few months where I was so wrapped up in myself that she couldn’t stand to be near me. I feel a small pang in my heart. I don’t know what’s going on, but losing Dylan is not an option.
I race down the hall, her head barely visible through the sea of students. I reach her just before she turns into the classroom. I pull her hand into mine and weave us through the other students, away from both our classes. She doesn’t say anything when we end up at her car; maybe she knows. Of course the only problem with this plan is that her keys are in her locker and we’re now standing outside. Thank God it’s spring.
“We're going to miss class.”
I shrug, not really caring. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she looks away. She can’t even look at me when she lies. I hate that. I pull her chin forward and slouch down so that we’re eye to eye.
“Don’t lie to me. Something is wrong. I can feel it. Are you pregnant?”
Her mouth drops open, her eyes go wide and she pushes me hard. “Why would you ask me something like that?”
“I don’t know, Dylan.” My arms go out wide in frustration. “Yesterday…” I shake my head. “I know we almost got caught. Honestly, I’m surprised we haven’t been caught yet – we’ve been having sex under their noses for four months. We’re just biding our time here.”
She doesn’t say anything. I’ve learned this is typical chick behavior, especially when they want to be dramatic.
“Your mom thinks I have a girlfriend.”
“You do.”
I shake my head. “She doesn’t think you and I are together. She saw the marks you left on my chest and called them hickeys.”
“That sounds gross.”
I nod, and shove my hands into my pockets.
“Can I ask you a question?”
I walk closer to her and lean up against her car. “Yeah.”
She fiddles with her hands and sighs. This can go on for another half-hour if I don’t tread lightly. Before I crossed the line and kissed her, there were things I didn’t know about her. Now I can read her like an open book. She can’t hide anything from me, which is why we're standing out here now skipping class.
“Do you ever worry we aren’t going to make it?”
“What?” I scoff.
She turns and leans against her car. “Close your eyes.”
Doing as she asks, I close my eyes.
“Imagine five years from now. You’re dancing and when you open your eyes, do you see me?”
Five years? I don’t know where I’ll be in five years, but I imagine myself dancing, holding her close to me. I even add some music to keep up the pretenses.
“Now look down at who you’re dancing with and tell me who you see.”
My throat swells a little when the imaginary me opens my eyes. It’s not Dylan that I’m dancing with. My eyes flash open and she knows that I didn’t see her. I reach for her, pulling her into my arms.
“It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Yes it does,” she mumbles against my shirt. I feel her body shake and know tears are coming. “I don’t see you either, Ry.”
She looks up at me. I wipe her tears and kiss her, holding her to me. Deep down I know this is going to be the last time I get to.
“So what do we do?” Sometimes I wish she wasn’t so matter-of-fact
about everything. Why do we have to do anything? Can’t we just stay together and take it one day at a time? I shake my head. I’m not ready to let her go. “Do you love me?”
“What kind of question is that? Of course I do.”
Dylan shakes her head. “You love me because we’re best friends and we’ve been dating, but do you love me like you love Hadley?”
I roll my eyes. “I don’t love Hadley.”
“You do and I’m okay with it. I know you don’t love me the same and I don’t really love you like that. Last night, I wasn’t afraid that my parents would find us having sex, but that they wouldn’t approve because they treat you like a son and I didn’t like having those thoughts.”
I step back, putting some space between us. When she says things like that it makes me think. I shudder at the thought. I know exactly what she’s talking about and agree, except for the Hadley part. I couldn’t care less if I never see her again. As far as I’m concerned, she never existed.
The rest of my day is a haze. I still walk her to class, but the routine quickly changes. I’m not kissing her goodbye or holding her hand. I’m not really sure how I feel about that, but looking at her as my sister makes it much easier to keep those feelings away.
It doesn’t take long for word to spread that we broke up. By the end of the day, she has a date to prom and I, once again, am alone. We drive home in silence, mostly because I don’t have anything to say. This morning when I woke up, I had a girlfriend. Now, I have nothing. I’m back to where I was in December.
When we walk in, Mrs. Ross is baking cookies and she’s singing. This means she has good news. Dylan and I sit down at the table and pull out our homework. Mrs. Ross sets a plate of cookies in between us and stands there with her hands folded in front of her.
Dylan and I both look at her. Our heads move in slow motion. Mrs. Ross looks funny, like she has a plastic smile. She looks at Dylan, then to me.
“Ryan, would you like to invite your girlfriend over tonight for dinner?”
Lost in You Page 23
