THE BLOODY DAGGER
Bigthan came for me the next morning. I did not ask where we were going. As we neared Hegai’s former chamber my feet grew heavy. It would be hard to see another man sitting on Hegai’s throne, but I knew I must make a good impression. The man does not matter, but to the throne I must show respect.
I heard my ally’s voice before I saw him. “My most humble servant,” Hegai said to Bigthan as we entered. My heart swelled. Hegai sitting regally upon his throne was the most welcome sight in the world.
I did not permit myself to cringe at a strange odor that hung in the air. Hegai’s face glistened with sweat and the bags beneath his eyes were swollen larger than the day before, but his eyes themselves were calm.
He held out his hand for Bigthan to kiss, and my happiness fell away.
“My lord!” I cried.
“Wait your turn,” Hegai jested.
Each of the fingers of his left hand was shortened by a knuckle. He wore no bandages yet he did not bleed. The strange smell was that of flesh that has been sealed with heat.
Bigthan pursed his lips so hard that his mouth disappeared as he lowered his head to Hegai’s freshly cauterized hand. He kept them pressed together even after he rose. Hegai waved him away with the maimed hand and Bigthan shuffled backward, nearly tripping on his crimson robe as he hurried from the room.
I could not keep my gaze from Hegai’s hand.
“You are wise not to ask your question directly.” A bead of sweat rolled down his face. His cheeks were so flushed that they nearly matched the robe of the eunuch who had just rushed away. The drop of sweat caught for a second on the end of his chin, then fell onto the large shelf of his belly.
“Does it hurt?” I asked.
He leaned toward me. I thought he might chastise me for asking such a foolish question. But then his mouth collapsed at the corners. “Child.” He took a wobbly breath. “I cannot tell you how much it hurts.”
I wanted to comfort him, to tell him I was sorry for what had happened to him and that I wished I could have somehow prevented it. I knelt in front of him and placed a hand on his robe where it covered his knee.
“Is there anything you wish me to do to help you?” I asked.
“Yes. Do not forget your place, nor mine. Take your hand from my knee.”
I yanked my arm back as though he had bitten it. “Forgive me, my lord.”
“If you touch the king without being asked you will have committed a crime punishable by death. Even when you are queen.”
When I am queen. Only moments before I had thought I might go to the soldiers. But I would not go to the soldiers, I would go to the throne if I could. I knew I must do whatever Hegai advised. “Does not the king want to be touched?”
“He wants what he has not already had. You will have to be new each night.”
I moved back to look at him more fully. His eyes were not playful. They narrowed at me, as if to pin me in place so I could not draw back any farther. “You asked if you could do anything to help me. Did you ask on a whim? Will you forget to return the favors I have bestowed upon you?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but he did not give me the opportunity.
“Because there is only one thing you can do to help me, and that is to become queen and whisper to the king of Halannah’s atrocities in the harem, and how he is the only man powerful, kind, and wise enough to stop her. It may take more than one night, and so you must be new as many times as it takes.”
“Who whispered in his ear that he should take the tips of your fingers?”
“The most melodious whisperer of all.”
“I do not know who this is.”
“Yes you do.”
“Why would you ask the king to take your own fingertips?”
“I took them myself, before he could decide that he wanted more.”
“My lord, I do not understand.”
“And I have little faith you will figure it out, so I will just tell you.”
Despite that Hegai continued to sweat, and drew in only jagged breaths, light shone in his eyes as he spoke. “When the guards dragged me to the king’s chamber I took note of their daggers, but I did not make a move toward them.”
I remembered how I had slipped a dagger from the Immortal who yanked me from my bed. Still, I asked, “How would you have taken one?”
“Very easily. Distract with one hand and take with the other.”
Without meaning to, I again looked at his shortened fingers.
“Yes,” he said, “something I will no longer be able to do.”
“Forgive me, my lord.”
“I have better things to do. Do not waste your pity upon me, I will not waste forgiveness on you. Shall I continue, or do you want to tire me with girlish silliness?” Without waiting for an answer, he went on. “Xerxes sat upon his throne, surrounded by a few of the most despicable men in the empire, including Haman.”
“Have you discovered if he is responsible for”—I struggled to find words that would not hurt or offend him—“your lioness?”
“Yes. He had someone fill my lioness with wine and then provoke her. Unfortunately we are not yet in a position to deal with him. Now be silent so I can continue my story.”
I pressed my lips together and bowed my head to listen.
“The guards stood close to me on either side,” Hegai said, “as if I might wish to harm the king. Haman turned to Xerxes. ‘This rebel set his lioness free with a finger that wears your own ring. I am not surprised. I suspect it was he who bid the concubine Nabat to smother you.’
“ ‘Your highness,’ I said, ‘king of all the provinces from India to Nubia, I am your loyal servant. I had no part in the tragedy last night, except that I did not keep watch over my pet as I should have.’
“ ‘Lions are not so wild as most people believe,’ Xerxes said. ‘They are never indiscriminate and unplanned in their attacks. When my men marched to Greece, lions came at night and attacked neither man nor beast, except for our camels. So it is strange that your lioness, who is given more meat than any man, killed soldier and harem girl alike.’
“ ‘You are wise, my king. My lioness would not have arbitrarily attacked, except for the wine someone gave her. The Egyptian physicians who examined my beast smelled it upon her breath.’
“I thought the wine on my poor cat’s breath might save me,” Hegai told me. “I do not drink wine, and neither did she. Not willingly. My pet and I were of one mind. One alert mind.” His face held nearly as much sadness as it had when he was going to take his life. “But the king’s eyes were like stones. His arms gripped his throne so hard as he looked upon me that the veins of his hands grew fat as worms. ‘I did not bid you to speak,’ he said.
“I knew he was thinking, as always, of himself, and how I had cost him men, and some of his pride. I did not give him time to decide what to do with me. I grabbed a dagger from the guard beside me and put it to my own throat.
“The guard moved to stop me, but Haman said, ‘Let him.’
“This angered the king. My life is his, not Haman’s. ‘Hegai,’ the king said, ‘take the blade from your throat.’ ”
“I lowered it, but I did not give it to the guard who reached for it. I spread my hand wide across the tiles I knelt upon. Instead of proclaiming my loyalty with pretty, hollow words, I pressed the dagger just above the knuckle of my littlest finger. I put my full weight upon it and bit my tongue to keep from crying out. But my flesh would not give way. I summoned all my strength and strength I did not have. I cut off the tip of my finger. After one I did not stop. I only paused to look up and see that the king was not satisfied, and then I took another. It is this or worse, I told myself so that I would not hesitate despite the agony searing my flesh. A red river rushed from the new, abrupt ends of my two fingers. Again the king did not seem satisfied. After this one I did not pause to look up. I went on to the next one and then arrived at my pointer finger. That one hurt more than all the rest combined. Without a se
cond’s hesitation, I raised the blade up over my thumb. I could not keep from thinking that if I lost my thumb I would be even less a man than I am now. Yet I knew I could not take time to think about it, because then Xerxes too would have time to think. He may have considered having me sway upon the gallows, but he was not yet certain, so he reacted as I had hoped. ‘It is enough,’ he cried out. ‘Four fingers is enough. I command you, no more.’ ”
I was holding the Faravahar as I listened to Hegai, tightly pressing my fingertips against it to reassure myself they were still there.
“And then afterward,” he continued, “how could he ask for me to be more severely punished when it was he who had stopped me in front of all his chamberlains? What is the lesson here?”
“Forgive me, I do not know.”
“That you should never go into a meeting uncertain. And so, little flower, what is it you want?”
“It is you who called me here.”
“Do not go into a meeting uncertain, even a meeting you did not arrange. Think what it is you want, what is your plan, because from now on you must always have one.”
“I want to hear your tale.”
“And I want to tell it, so you would be wiser to act as though listening is a favor you are bestowing upon me. I ask again: What do you want that I do not want to give you? You do not need to waste time trying to get the things you will already be given. You can only call upon so many favors.”
I bowed my head. “Yes, my lord.”
“You are playing at a game that still does not come naturally to you. You truly are lucky I did not die.” He fell silent, and after a moment I looked up at him. “And I am lucky you did not let me, though it is unwise of me to say so. But I wonder if perhaps your innocence is a game, and you are wiser than you seem.”
“I am not fit to play any game with you, my lord.” I realized that I did not know if my words were fully true. He was teaching me many things, including how to charm and fool someone, perhaps even him. I feared that there would come a time when I did not even know I was doing this.
Because I knew it would delight him, I added, “Not yet.”
He laughed. “You enchant me. It is hard to focus on my story with you undulating back and forth between innocence and boldness. I feel almost as though I never trembled beneath the knife in my youth.”
I tried to stop the blood from surging into my cheeks, but I had only learned to control my words, my blood still did as it wished.
“Now tell me, why did Xerxes stop me and order me back to my chamber?”
“Because he knows you would never loose your lioness upon the palace.”
He frowned, and—too late to take it back—I heard the ridiculousness of my answer. It was too obvious. He did not give me a second chance. “I knelt upon the floor in front of Xerxes,” he said, “as you are now kneeling before me. But I did not sit motionless. I moved too quickly, and this caused our king more unease than he could withstand. Because I was the one wielding the knife he panicked, though I doubt he knew why. He was not in control. He wanted only for everything to stop for a moment so he could think. But once he stopped me he could not let anyone know he had done so because of his confusion. Kings are not supposed to be confused. But our king is easily confused. He could not think with me there—strange and bleeding upon the tiles—and so he dismissed me.
“And now here I am. All but four tiny pieces of me and my pride.”
“But you acted courageously, my lord. Why does your pride suffer?”
“Because I was not alert when someone gave my pet wine and provoked her. Because I could not stop her once I woke to her roaring. Because I have fallen in the king’s esteem and am now maintaining my position only because he would feel foolish admitting that four fingertips is not enough. Because after I dropped the bloody dagger upon the tiles, the king spat upon the floor beside his throne, and said, ‘Some eunuchs are like women—careless, cruel, and disobedient. Even many of my soldiers cannot be trusted. I will bring real men—men who have fought for me—to guard the palace.’ ”
Hegai hesitated. I bit my tongue to keep from commanding or begging him to go on. “He was speaking not of common soldiers, little flower. He was speaking of men upon whom I have little influence—the most inhuman of all creatures: Immortals.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
* * *
SAUL’S MISTAKE
I dreamed of hooves pounding closer through the night and of the blinding light of torches. I heard horses whinnying, girls crying, and the clashing of swords. Then I heard the worst sound of all, the sound of armor clanking as a soldier came to yank me from my bed.
The only comfort when I awoke, gasping in a pool of my own sweat, was the thought that perhaps Erez would be among the Immortals recalled to the palace.
One night my dream was especially vivid and in the morning I awoke to find the palace swarming with soldiers. They lined each room and corridor like relief carvings that had stepped out of the wall to watch us more closely. I knew by their saffron uniforms decorated with tiny stars that they were Immortals. They were silent and unmoving but for their eyes, which followed us as we walked past.
I knew I should keep my head lowered and not gaze at any of the soldiers directly, but I could not keep from looking for Erez. My heart rose into my throat as I thought of him. What would I say if we met again? Thank you for your kindness, it has sustained me? Often I wake up with my hand wrapped around the Faravahar?
“Soldiers have bigger appetites than ordinary men,” Bigthan grumbled. “The king is putting both eunuchs and virgins in danger.”
He and another eunuch were escorting my maids and me from our chamber to the baths. He jumped when one of the Immortals standing against the wall just ahead of us said, “Do not flatter yourself that you are in any danger, you castrated little peacock.”
The wall was overcrowded with men. Parsha stood slightly in front of the others, as if he had inserted himself among them and did not truly belong. He was not an unwelcome sight. If Parsha had been recalled to the palace, Erez might have as well. Parsha moved his gaze from Bigthan unto me. “But your eunuch is half right about who is in danger, and the Hunter is not here to protect you.”
I held my head high as I walked past, trying to hide my disappointment.
Though soldiers were not allowed in the baths, I did not want to disrobe. They were too near. And they will always be too near now. We had grown so used to being bathed that we were no longer self-conscious. We usually talked, laughed, and drank in the baths as if we were safely in my chambers. But on this day, there was no laughter. I overheard the handmaiden who’d had a broken lip when we arrived in the palace whisper, “He is so handsome.” I did not know which Immortal she spoke of, but I feared it was Parsha. I was glad when no other maid spoke up to agree with her.
For once Bigthan showed some kindness. He did not force me to disrobe.
After he had escorted us back to our chamber, I requested an audience with Hegai. I wanted Ruti back. I would charm and beg and cry if I needed to.
When I entered Hegai’s chambers that evening, I did so with my head bowed and fell upon my knees before him.
“My l—”
“Little flower,” he interrupted. “I have been thinking too much about you.” I looked up into his eyes and immediately regretted it. I did not like the intensity of his gaze. “My affection increases even when you are not near. It has grown so that . . .”
I was relieved that he let his voice trail off before finishing his thought. He continued, “I realized when the tip of my sword was against my belly and you came to my chamber that I liked you more than I have liked any harem girl before you. Though I thought I would not live to benefit from it, still I wanted to help make certain you became queen.” He looked carefully at my face. I must not have hidden my discomfort at his words as well as I had hoped. He laughed lightly. “Or perhaps I only wished to help you because Halannah would be hurt by your rise to Xerxes’ side. Yes, th
at is where my desire must have come from.”
I was grateful that he had undercut his declaration of feeling for me. I wished he could also take back his gaze.
“Affection for people is weakness,” he said, “and weakness must be hidden. Surely you know that by now.”
Maybe I would have believed this except for all the times that thoughts of Erez had lifted me out of my despair. “Yes, my lord,” I said.
“Rise. You are here because you want something. Because you saved me, I will grant it to you.”
“You are generous, my lord, but I have only a humble request. One of Haman’s sons has returned to the palace, and perhaps the other one will follow. These men are my enemies. They will not be pleased to see that I have won your favor and that we have our eye upon the crown. With these men so close, I must have an ally with me at all times. All I ask for is Ruti.”
“A servant. How we love our servants! They tell us what we want to hear and seem to live only for us. We think they are more loyal to us than themselves.”
All I have is my life and now, a reason for it, Ruti had said. I did not know why she was devoted to me, but I was certain that she was.
“With each other we must preen and strut about, but our servants see us with our hair undone, with no clothes . . . They see us when we sleep. You can be fooled into thinking they have no schemes of their own, no desires but yours. You can feel too safe. Ruti wasted no time in securing herself to you. Keep your eyes open.”
“I will, my lord.”
“Even while she washes your hair and puts kohl around your eyes?”
“Yes, my lord.”
“And when you sleep?”
“I will sleep lightly.”
“Not as lightly as I. I will return her to you, if you promise to consider carefully before listening to her counsel. She was not born into servitude. She made her way there herself.”
“But cannot one learn from her mistakes?”
“She knows one wrong path, but there are many. You would grow old ruling out one by one all the paths that lead down instead of up.”
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