I would like one that does not include me.
He ordered the soldiers to drag the brothers away. I wish I had not looked into Parsha’s eye first. I knew it was his, perhaps because Parsha’s was the first strange face I had seen after being taken from my bed. The centers of his eyes then had looked like perfect round drops of honey that had begun to melt in the sun. They had been beautiful. Now they were mostly hidden by swollen flesh. But yet I saw into the right one. It was trained upon my face with such intensity that I knew the life had not fled his body at all, it had all been concentrated in his hatred for me.
Haman was careful not to step in his sons’ blood when he was dismissed. He did not allow himself to hurry from the room, as I am certain he would have liked. The king dismissed even the servants who had come to clean the floor. “Leave it,” he told them, waving them away with a small movement of his massive arm. And then we were alone with the blood on the tiles.
The king seemed content to study me in silence. I did not know what to do. I wanted both for him to see me standing tall and for him to see me peeking up at him through my eyelashes. I could not do both. I stretched my spine and looked at my husband with all the strength I wished to give him.
“I still do not know who you are,” he said.
“My king—”
“But I know that during our first night together, when I spoke of war, your flinch was sincere. You do not like bloodshed, and you did not misrepresent yourself to me. I am glad of this. I have enough trouble knowing who to trust, little queen, and trouble is one thing I do not need any more of.”
If the brothers’ beating had been a test for me, it seemed I had passed. Or perhaps Xerxes had paraded them in front of me so I might see that I was only a woman after all, not strong enough to watch men being beaten.
“I had a dream in which you were standing in front of a target in the military court. I thought it meant only that you would put yourself in danger, which I do not doubt you will do again if given the chance. And so I wonder, how shall I keep you safe, child?”
Had he truly had such a dream? I disliked that he had called me child.
“If you are not afraid to walk among men who wish you dead, and in fact you speak of death as a victory, perhaps the thing you do not fear is your own death. I hope seeing it up close has convinced you it is not as easy or graceful as it seems.”
“I could not wait idly in my chambers. I cannot let the men who will try to kill me think they are anything but cowards. I had to show them my face and force them to hear my voice.”
“You think very highly of courage, particularly your own. This is a dangerous attribute in a woman.”
“Do not worry for me, my love. It does not matter how much courage I have—I do not want to die; I do not wish to leave you. But if I must, then at least I will leave you with a legend of me that will make you proud.”
As soon as the words flew from my lips I knew they had been the wrong ones.
“Women are not made to be legends. They are made to raise them and then stand aside and hold back their tears when they are taken away. Women do not live on through legends, they live on through sons.”
Perhaps he could see by my face that he had wounded me. His tone softened. “I have already lost a courageous queen, little Ishtar.”
He spoke as though he had misplaced her. As though one day she was gone and he did not know why. I looked down so he would not see my thoughts.
“And I do not wish to see another great queen’s heart filled with sorrow.”
Did he truly think me great? I looked up to see if he mocked me. “They say the arrows that would have hit you changed course at the last second, and instead formed the shape of a throne-back behind you. They say that you plucked the arrow that would have killed you out of the air.”
Now that I knew he saw nothing wrong in testing me I also knew I must be careful. Was he trying to see if I would take the opportunity to be proud? I lowered my head and peeked at him through my eyelashes. “I wished to be a legend only if I could be nothing else, my king. I wanted you to remember me well, and for mention of me to bring you pride and happiness, so that I could be with you always.”
He was looking at me too carefully. I wished I did not have to be on display. I remembered my parents, at ease in each other’s company, laughing, leaning into each other, completely unguarded.
“Do you know what you are doing?” he asked. There was no hint of disapproval, anger, or awe. He truly wished to know.
And so, because I knew it would be unwise to lie unless I could do so with complete confidence, I answered him truly, “Sometimes.”
“You may have temporarily shamed our enemies out of attempting another attack upon you. Perhaps for a few days, perhaps a whole month. But we will be prepared in any case. Earlier today I wondered if my finest soldier should guard you, and now I see that he must. He was the first to lay his bow and arrow at your feet. He is not susceptible to bribes or flattery—I have checked—and he will not hesitate to do what is right, even if it means turning his back to a room full of men with arrows quivering in their bows.”
I tried not to show any emotion and to keep my breath steady in case the king knew anything of my short history with Erez and was watching for some reaction.
“He will protect you not only from assassins,” Xerxes continued, “but also from yourself. Erez would have made a good officer, but this task is more important. He will watch over the wildest and most valuable of all my possessions.”
Why, if I hated Erez, did my heart drop all the way from my chest to my sandals for him? I did not know how he would endure being confined to the palace, where there was no real glory to be had, just a duty that would only be noticed if he failed in it and I was harmed.
“He or another of your guard will always enter a room before you, and check to make certain there is no danger within. You will never be unguarded, not even in your chambers.” He leaned toward me. “Little queen, know that he is my most loyal servant and will do exactly as I command.”
Erez would not only be relegated to palace life, he would have to perform a task not so unlike that of a common servant. It pained me to think of how Erez had told me he wished to be an officer, and I had told him he would make a good one.
“Right now I am having your chambers searched for hiding places and secret passageways. First by one set of soldiers, then another. If the first missed anything, they will each sway upon a gallows high enough for all to see. This is the fate of your two Immortal guards who were not killed in the attack upon you.”
I sucked in my breath. I remembered Erez telling me: “It is the number ten thousand that is immortal, not any of us. As quick as a man dies, he is replaced.” I now saw how true this was. I am sorry, Erez. I did not wish this dangerous and inglorious task upon you.
“My queen,” Xerxes said. His eyes bored into mine. “You will never again enter the military court.”
I hope I will never again need to. I did not like the way Xerxes so easily spent lives convincing me he would watch over me, but these killings were likely as close as I was going to get to a declaration of love from him.
“Yes, my king.” That morning I had hoped he would embrace me. Now I wished only to be dismissed.
“I will send the new members of your escort to you after I have spoken to them myself.”
“Thank you, Majesty.”
“Never fear that we are apart, my queen. I am watching over you at every moment.”
I did not bother to avoid the brothers’ blood on the way out. I would track it through the palace, from the throne room to my chambers. A few servants would clean it, but all servants would spread word of it, perhaps they would weave an entire tale. Hopefully one in which I beat the brothers myself. A tale was, as Mordecai had told me, more important than what actually happened.
The king had said women leave their legacy in a son, but I would be a legend yet.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
* * *
THE KING’S SOLDIER
My chambers felt empty without Ruti. The musicians could not cover the great silence beneath their songs. The day after my trip into the military court I sent for my handmaids. When I heard high-pitched chatter outside my receiving room, I rose from my satin cushions and hurried past a servant to open the door. All six girls dropped to their knees so quickly it was as though they had fallen.
“Rise,” I said to their bowed heads. They stood and looked back at me, but also, I noticed, they looked past me, at my new chambers. We had not seen each other since I had become queen.
“Come in and see how Ahura Mazda has rained his blessings down upon me.”
As the girls passed near me I was overwhelmed by the scent of the harem: a combination of roses, cloves, and mimosa mixed with essence of musk, sandalwood, myrrh, and balsam. I remembered standing outside the harem for the first time, foolishly thinking that inside I would find safety. My own chamber smelled only of the fragrant cypress and fruit trees in the Women’s Courtyard below my balcony, and the rosewater my servants bathed me in.
Utanah was still kept away from the harem, but she visited me with my other handmaidens. She stopped and smiled at me. “One of the four Immortals standing guard outside of your chambers is more handsome than any man I have seen.” She reeked as though she had swum in wine. She quickly added, “Any man besides the king, of course.”
I could not ask aloud if Erez was the Immortal she spoke of, but I hoped if I stared at her, the wine she had drunk would move her tongue.
“I did not mean to upset you, Your Majesty. His blackened eyes are a little frightening, but they do not hide his beauty. I am so excited you are queen that I cannot help but see the beauty of all that surrounds you.”
“You have not upset me,” I said, uncertain if this was true.
After the heavy wooden doors had closed, I could not keep from staring at them for a moment.
I did not turn back toward my chambers until I heard Utanah exclaim, “It is richer and more beautiful than a field of shaded grass.” She had dropped to her knees again and was running her hands over the rug in my reception hall, her fingers stretched wide.
Even Opi, who had no trouble holding her wine, could not hide her awe. She stared at the silk curtains hanging from golden rods and at the griffins and other reliefs along the walls, before going out to the balcony to stand with the other girls admiring the courtyard below.
I called the girls in to show them my wardrobe. At first no one touched anything. Then Bhagwanti sneaked a quick caress of one of the scarves. “It matches your lips,” I said. She jumped and seemed ready to plead for forgiveness. Now that I was queen there was no trace of the girl who had put me in my place by merely raising one eyebrow. Would I become like the king, so used to flattery and peoples’ fear that anything else would appear strange?
Before Bhagwanti had a chance to speak, I said, “I would like you to have it.” Then I called out loudly, so all could hear, “I would like each of you to have a scarf.”
Their shyness fell away. They set upon my wardrobe so frantically I wondered if they feared I would change my mind.
When each of my handmaidens had found a scarf, I invited everyone to retire upon cushions in the receiving hall. I called upon the musicians to play for us. This time as I listened with my handmaids I did not hear the silence beneath the notes. The girls did not stop marveling at their new head scarves, sometimes calling out to each other over the music. I tried not to look at the door behind which Erez stood.
“R-R-Ruti . . . , ” the handmaiden who stuttered asked.
“Ruti has saved my life. Unlike Crier she has survived it. She will return to me shortly.”
The girls were happy to hear this, but their happiness faded when I asked about the harem.
“Halannah does not ease her attacks upon us,” the girl who had first looked like a boy when she came to the harem said. “But at least we are no longer concerned that she will take something from us that we cannot get back.”
“Does she ask of me?”
I studied each girl’s face, wondering if Halannah had enlisted another spy among my handmaidens.
Only Opi spoke without hesitation. “She says you will not be queen for long. She was called in to the king last night.”
I willed the flush of anger creeping up my neck to stop before reaching my face. Even as queen I was only one of hundreds of women who belonged to the king. I could quietly suffer the indignity of it if only Halannah was not the woman the king preferred.
I could not keep from asking, “And the night before that?”
“Another virgin,” Opi said. “One who did not come back with even the jeweled veil she wore into his bedchamber.”
“I heard she did not make it to his bedchamber,” Bhagwanti said.
“The king did not wish to lie with her?” I was ashamed at having to ask my handmaidens for news of my husband, and for the hopefulness in my voice when I asked of another woman’s misfortune.
“He did not want her in his bedchamber. He had her in his reception hall and quickly dismissed her.”
While the musicians played I could not help thinking of Erez standing on the other side of the doors to my chambers. Not more than twenty cubits from me.
After a while I noticed Opi watching me stare at the doors. She smiled. “Your Highness, the guard outside your chambers looks like he has taken many blows protecting you, and yet he is still as pleasurable to look upon as a Greek god.”
Every handmaiden’s eyes were upon my face. “Is he the one who first laid his bow and arrow at your feet after you walked between the other archers’ arrows?” Bhagwanti asked.
“I do not remember,” I said. I was glad news of my journey into the military court was already spreading through the harem, but I did not wish to draw any more attention to Erez. I clapped my hands and called for the twenty jugglers I had arranged. The girls had seen jugglers before, but they had not seen so many at once, throwing torches high overhead and catching them in bare hands. I wanted to impress the girls with the spectacle. The jugglers spread out, throwing torches back and forth to each other. They began to fan around us.
Do they plan to throw fire over our heads?
I heard the girls shifting around on their cushions and the nervous laughter of the girl who stuttered. Utanah cried out in delight.
The jugglers were forming a circle around us.
The two Immortals who stood guard at the doors inside my chambers watched carefully. I hoped they were thinking of my safety, and therefore their own, but I would not wait for them. I stood. A torch flew not more than a couple of cubits above my head. I did not allow myself to cringe from the hot rush of air. “Thank you. You are dismissed.”
The juggler who must have been the leader called out, “Hold in three!”
The youngest was not more than eight years old. The boy held his torches too soon, and then tried to catch the torch thrown to him. He caught the third torch against his chest and began screaming as the flame touched his chin. But he did not drop it.
As I went toward the boy to take one of the torches, I heard the doors to my chambers open and footsteps rushing up behind me. Arms wrapped around me and it was as though I were still the girl I had been over a year ago, struggling against an unseen Immortal. Now it was me who screamed.
“Forgive me, Your Majesty, the king has charged me with keeping you safe, against your will if necessary.” Erez spoke quietly, but still I heard him. The boy dropped the torch. As Erez dragged me away I watched my rug catch fire.
He did not release me until we were in my wardrobe. I turned and raised my hand to slap him across the face. I saw the bruises already there and lowered my hand.
“How dare you drag me from my own reception hall in front of my handmaidens?”
“You can hit me if you wish, Your Majesty. But I will still have to do as the king has commanded.” His eyes were calm, and the confidence with which he s
poke enraged me.
“How does it appear for me to be hauled away from my own reception hall in front of my handmaidens, servants, and all of the palace jugglers?”
“It appears as though your safety is being tended to and you are alive. You will remain so as long as I watch over you, despite your best efforts to place yourself in harm’s way.”
“The king allows you to place your hands on me?”
“I am to do whatever is necessary to see to your safety.”
“I must return to my reception hall and calm my handmaidens. They are surely horrified by this ridiculous, chaotic spectacle.”
“Your Highness, they are being dismissed and your chamber cleared of all but your guard and servants.”
“How can that be? By whose authority are they dismissed?”
“Your new head eunuch Hathach, who the king has instructed to always be at the ready to step in for you when you are ushered to safety.”
For a moment I was speechless. “Am I a child? Did not you lay your bow and arrow at my feet only this very day?”
“When I laid my bow and arrow at your feet, I was seeking to protect you. That is what I am doing now. I have been instructed not to heed those of your commands which compromise your safety. In disobeying you, I am again laying all I have at your feet, my queen. There is only one thing I can do for you and I will do it with all my heart, and with my life if necessary.”
His heart. Did he mean it the way I could not help but want him to? It was once what I had wanted more than anything, but it was no longer enough. “And what of respect? Is that not what I saw upon your face as you knelt? My servants’ and handmaidens’ respect for me is diminishing each second I remain hidden away like a coward.”
Esther Page 24
