Her voice had gone quiet. Distant. “We only live once, right?”
Turning around, he saw her face had gone ashen.
“Natalie? What is it? Did you get another email from the asshat?”
“No.” She reached for her cup of tea and her hand shook as she lifted it to her mouth.
“What happened?”
“I just got an email from the adoption director through children’s services.”
“And?”
“She thinks they have a family interested in taking Starling. Adopting her.”
“That’s good, right?” He said it because he was supposed to say it, but he honestly wanted to put his hand through her monitor instead.
“Sure, but…”
“But?” He took a step closer and latched on to that single syllable as if it would keep him from the pits of hell. Which he prayed it would.
She rubbed her lips and set her cup down. “But I want to keep her. I’ve never felt that before and that’s not fair to her.”
“Why isn’t that fair? You love her and that means more than anything.”
Her gaze flipped up to his. “How do you know I love her?”
“You’ve said it hundreds of times. Thousands probably.”
She seemed totally perplexed. “No I haven’t. I just told her last night for the first time. I’d never said it before. Not ever.”
“Sure you have. You put everything on hold to take her. You’ve rearranged your life around her. You bathe her, you feed her, talk to her, sing to her. That’s love. Each of those things and all of the late nights and early mornings. Giving up sleep and rolling with it as something you’re happily doing because she needed someone to protect her and care for her. Just because you haven’t said it before doesn’t mean she doesn’t already know.”
For a long time Natalie stared anywhere but at him. Then she changed the subject. “To the state having two parents means more than that. Being a family member trumps everything.”
“But you are a family member. Sort of.”
“I can’t prove it though. No family tree connection. I could always try a DNA test with the off chance Wren knew something I didn’t but that’s quite a Hail Mary if I’ve ever heard one.”
“She knows you. She’s used to you. That has to count for something.”
“It absolutely does but I just don’t know if that will trump a real family.”
“That’s a crock of shit. There is no real family anymore. There are so many different kinds now there’s not one type that can wear that label alone.”
“Tell that to the New York State Department.”
“Fine. Then we should just get married and adopt her.” It was out of his mouth so quick he actually shocked himself silent. He waited for the panic to set in, the backpedaling, the “whoa whoa whoa” hand motion with a bad case of temporary Ebola to blame it on.
It never came.
Not any of it.
Only one thing settled over him, a sense of rightness he’d never expected to feel.
He blinked down at Natalie and the look on her face was more of the what-the-fuck variety.
“Have you lost your mind?”
“Tell me what doesn’t work in that situation.”
She rolled her eyes.
He growled.
She smiled.
“I’m serious.”
Starling wiggled in the corner and immediately started fussing.
Natalie stood to go get her. “Oh come on. In what universe does that option make any sense?”
“This one. I love her too.”
She scooped her up and settled her against her shoulder and started pacing. “I get that, but this situation is temporary and we both know it. It’s what we agreed to.”
“You sound like a lawyer.”
“Well, one of us has to be the grown-up here.” She threw the words at him and it rubbed him the wrong way.
“I’m the one who proposed. That’s pretty damn grown-up.”
“You didn’t propose.”
“I said we should get married.”
“That’s equivalent to saying we should get Thai for dinner.”
He growled again and hated that she wasn’t taking him serious.
Mid-pace she stopped and faced him. “Do you love me?”
“Uhh…” Yeah, probably not the best thing to lead with, but she seriously caught him off-guard. “We’re a good match. We enjoy each other’s company. We’re beyond compatible in bed.”
“And the longest relationship you’ve ever had waaassss?” She dragged the word out while giving him a patronizing expression.
“Aren’t girls supposed to fawn all over dudes that ask them to marry them?”
“There are so many things wrong with that statement. You just told me earlier you liked that I wasn’t a typical chick, I’m not fawning all over you because you’re making this sound like a business transaction, and you still never asked me anything. How’s that Thai food idea? And stop avoiding the question. How long?”
Starling ramped up the fussing and Natalie resumed pacing.
Campbell rubbed a hand over his hair, wondering where he’d gone wrong. He knew full well he could tell her he loved her and it would set everything right. He could get a ring and get down on one knee in the middle of Rockefeller Plaza on the damn ice rink, which he didn’t want to do.
But did he love her?
Like really love her?
He loved fucking her.
Loved how she loved Starling.
Loved her drive and ambition.
She was wicked smart and funny, and her attitude turned him on instead of pissing him off.
“That’s what I thought,” Natalie muttered, and she grabbed the diaper bag and her coat all while juggling Starling as she really let loose with the crying.
“I didn’t answer.”
“Which is enough of an answer for me.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Another what-the-fuck face came his way as she grabbed the doorknob. “You can take your marriage proposal and stick it up your sewer pipe. I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody. And for your information I’ve already started adoption proceedings.”
“Are you kidding me? And you didn’t tell me any of that, why?”
“It was your business, how?”
“I’m her other foster parent. Been here every step of the way and I’ve helped raise her thus far just as much as you have. Loved every minute of it.”
“And you’d marry me to what? Just so you could keep the baby?” She looked offended.
Good thing he didn’t immediately say yes to that question. He could get a two-fer. How awesome would that be? “We need to finish talking about this.”
“Oh, I’m quite done at the moment.”
“Well I’m not,” he had to practically shout over Starling crying.
Natalie gave him her answer as soon as she opened the door to her office.
It was a one-finger salute.
He wiped a hand down his face as she turned the corner down the hall.
Well.
That didn’t go well.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Natalie
Natalie broke down as soon as Angela opened the door.
“Natalie! Oh, honey, what happened?
Thankfully it was a rare off day for all of Angela’s staff at the design studio. She pulled her and the squalling infant inside and hugged her tight while she cried.
“I didn’t know where else to go.”
“Whatever’s upset you I’m so glad you came here. Want me to take Starling? Looks like both of you could use some ice cream. Or liquor.”
Clay stepped up behind Angela with the face of a clueless male. “Where’s Cam
pbell?”
Natalie moved back, trying to wipe the tears off her face. She adjusted Starling in her arms and then Angela took her purse and diaper bag and helped her off with her coat, which she laid across the front reception counter. “I’m sure he’s figured out I’m coming here by now. I wouldn’t go anywhere else.”
“What, he’s not with you?” Clay looked pissed.
“No, he’s not with me,” Natalie cried. Over exaggeration wasn’t normally her thing but she sure made up for it as tears continued to roll down her cheeks. “He proposed to me,” she blurted out.
“He did what?” Angela asked with a huge smile and wide eyes.
“And that’s a bad thing?” Clay wanted to know with the look of a—a—man!
The look on her face probably wasn’t all that nice because Angela slowly looked away from her to stare at her husband. “I’m pretty sure we need some girl time and I bet Campbell is yelling at whoever was unlucky enough to pick him up in a cab to get here in like the speed of light. Bet he’ll be here about the time you grab a coat.”
Clay looked at Angela, then Natalie. “I’ll just get my coat.”
“Smart man,” Angela told him as she got up on her tiptoes to kiss him. “Why don’t you take Campbell to grab food, bring us something back and…” She glanced at Natalie and Starling, neither of whom had stopped crying. “I’d stay awhile.”
“Good call.” He kissed her, grabbed a coat, and made it outside just as a cab screamed up to the front of the studio. “Get back in the cab, Campbell.”
“But Natalie—”
“Is about to have some estrogen-fueled girl powwow thing that we’ve been uninvited to. Get back in the cab. I’m trying to do you a solid here.”
Natalie rubbed Starling’s back and moved from side to side. Campbell’s growl couldn’t be heard through the thick tinted glass, but she shivered nonetheless when she saw his upper lip curl.
Clay shoved him back in the cab and they pulled away from the curb as she turned to face Angela again.
“Wyatt’s asleep upstairs so let’s stay down here in the break room for a bit and see if we can’t fix you girls up a bit.”
“Don’t we need to be closer to him? Not that he could stay asleep with my little screamer today.”
Angela held up a baby monitor with a little image of the nursery and Wyatt’s small self crashed in the middle of the crib.
“Awesome.”
Angela hooked it on her belt loop and then gave Natalie the gimme hands for the baby. “So. He proposed?” Angela asked again as she lifted Starling from Natalie’s arms.
“Sort of. More like told me,” Natalie answered and dug in the diaper bag for the bottle Starling had refused to take at the clinic or in the cab on the way over here. She was vaguely aware of Angela leading her through the studio and down the hall to the kitchen the staff used.
“Told you? Oh Lordy. Sounds like we have quite a bit to catch up on.”
Natalie warmed up the formula just a bit under some hot tap water and tried to calm down. Fuck, she was tired. Handing over the bottle to Angela, she rubbed her temples.
She didn’t have any better luck getting Starling to take the bottle so Angela just went back and forth, holding her while pacing the kitchen.
“How long’s she been like this?”
“Since last night. Hardly slept. No fever. I’ve checked about a hundred times. I thought maybe she was teething but she’s not old enough. Which I totally forgot until I looked it up at three this morning.”
“Tummy upset?”
Natalie shrugged and kept up the pacing. “That’s my guess, but she’s never had anything like this before.” She patted her back and fought the urge to bawl right along with her again.
“Okay. Talk to me. What in the world prompted Campbell asking you to marry him?”
“Telling me.” She shook her head. “I got an email from the case worker for Starling saying they think they’ve found her a permanent family.”
“Oh.” Angela kept her face unreadable, which Natalie appreciated her for. “That’s good, right?”
Natalie stopped for a second and faced her. She opened her mouth to tell her the rest and Starling went silent then passed enough gas to fill a hot air balloon.
They both looked at the little girl who promptly smiled and closed her eyes as if they weighed about a hundred pounds.
“Well,” Natalie chuckled.
“That was something,” Angela added with a laugh. “Hand her over here before she totally crashes and you can talk.”
Walking over, Natalie blew out a long breath and passed over the tiny girl who wiggled once and settled in to sleep in Angela’s arms.
Natalie collapsed in a chair and picked up the baby monitor Angela had placed on the table. Wyatt was still sacked out.
“You were about to tell me if Starling being placed with another family was a good thing or a bad thing.”
It didn’t take two seconds for Natalie’s gaze to find the sleeping baby. Her little fists curled against Angela’s chest and her teeny mouth slack in sleep. “How could I ever let her go?”
“Oh thank God. I didn’t think I could keep my opinion to myself if you’d thought it was a good idea to let her go with anyone else.”
“You’re my best friend. It’s your job to tell me if I’m being a dumbass.”
“Children have to be your decision though and nobody else’s.” Angela stared at her and gripped her arm. “You taught me that. No one chooses for us. Not even nosy best friends.”
Natalie put her hand on top of Angela’s and got misty again. “But what if I’m not enough for her? What if being with a full set of parents would be so much better? When Campbell leaves and it’s just me, will I be enough for her?”
“Throw your hat in the ring.” She didn’t pull punches or talk around the issue. She told her exactly what she needed to hear. “You don’t need a man to be a great mom. You also taught me that.”
“How did I teach you that? I let them take my son from me because I was too weak to stop them.”
“So many years ago when we met at the clinic, I was pregnant, young, scared. You weren’t weak to give your son up for adoption. It was the bravest thing you could have done. One of the bravest things I’ve ever seen anyone do. The couple who adopted him could give him more at the time. They could raise him and love him. He was so lucky to have you give birth to him. Don’t ever forget that.”
“But if your daughter would have survived you would have kept her. Adoption never even entered your mind.”
“It did more times than I could count. I agonized over it for months. And then she came too early and didn’t make it. Honestly, faced with a different outcome, I still to this day am not positive of what I would have done. But if I would have gotten to keep her, I know I could have done it.”
“I know you could have. You’re amazing. Even all those years ago. So smart, driven.”
“Kettle,” Angela laughed at her. “You were there for me. After everything you’d been through with your parents, your son, then losing your grandmother you were still there by my side after Melena was born and I had to say goodbye.” Angela brushed a tear from her cheek.
Natalie did the same. “I just can’t seem to stop crying today.” She got up, grabbed them Kleenex, and sat back down.
“You would have been there for me if I’d needed help with Melena.”
“Anytime you needed me.”
“And you’ve been there for us with Wyatt anytime we needed someone to watch him.”
Natalie rolled her eyes. “Which is like once a month if that. You’re so stingy with that boy.” She smiled and stared at Starling. “I’m ready to be a mom.”
“And you’re going to be a great one. Plus, I’m here and so is Clay. We can help. We owe you big time. Uh, uh, uh,” she added when Nat
alie opened her mouth to speak. “We owe you. You can’t deny it or get out of it. Just nod and say thank you.”
Natalie grinned. “Thank you. For everything.”
“So what’s the next step to calling her yours?”
“I’ve already filed all the paperwork. Did it this morning before the email even came in.”
Angela’s eyebrows scrunched down. “Then why the botched proposal?”
“I sort of freaked out when the email came in. Second-guessed myself. Freaked out a bit.”
“Understandable.”
“And Campbell saw it.”
“Okay.”
“We talked about adoptions and the way the court system looks at family structure, and I told him two parents are always looked at more favorably. Just making conversation really while I processed how to tell him I already filed for adoption.”
“Without talking to him first?”
“Uh. Yeah.”
“Oh.”
Natalie put her head down on the table. “I know. I know but I haven’t told him I loved him yet and—”
“Oh my fucking God.”
Natalie popped her head back up and stared at her best friend. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you cuss like that.”
“Well, you just said something I never thought I’d hear you say.”
Putting her head back down, she rolled it from side to side. “Me either. And the kicker is I think I’ve loved him for weeks. Weeks, Angela. He’s only been with me for a little over six weeks I think. Ugh. How did this happen?”
“Love has a funny way of finding you. Especially when you’re not looking for it.”
“But I tried to stop it.” Natalie wiped a hand down her face.
“And how did that work for you?”
“Awesome. Campbell told me he loved Starling, then told me we should get married. I freaked out and point blank asked him if he loved me. Oh my gawd, his face.”
“Oy.”
“Yeah. It wasn’t pretty. Then he went on to tell me it would be best for Starling and we’re good together in bed.”
Angela shook her head. “Seriously, did he learn nothing with having to watch Clay and me figure our stuff out?”
“Obviously not. So I told him where to shove his marriage proposal. And as soon as I could sneak away I told him I needed to run an errand. When he said he just had to grab something out of my office I grabbed Starling and ran. And don’t give me the mama face. I know I messed up.”
Ultimate Surrender: The Surrender Series, Book 2 Page 30
