by Skye Turner
He stands there for a full minute before closing the door and walking around to his side of the car. He opens the door and sits in silence before starting the car. The engine roars and it makes me jump.
Staring ahead, he calmly asks, “Why did you do that?”
I lean my head back and angle my body toward his as I sigh. “Because I wanted to, Cruz.”
He swallows and turns his head, looking at me. “You do whatever you want to do?”
I laugh. “Not all the time. If I did, I’d have kissed you long before now. But yes, I do for the most part.”
He chuckles lightly too. “Ok.”
Just “ok?” I finally kiss him, sort of. After two months, I finally decide to just do what I want and his response is “ok?”
Shit, I’ve already crossed the threshold, so I’m just going for it! He’s going to either admit he’s interested or not, but I’m tired of dancing around this shit.
I want him. I am pretty certain he wants me, so tonight, Cruz Edwards, tonight you’re making a choice. Either you’re interested or you’re not, but tonight, tonight, you’re making a choice!
Dear God, let it be the choice I want you to make though.
“What does ‘ok’ mean?”
He looks at me in confusion. “What does it mean?!”
I stare at him and take a deep breath. “Yes, what does it mean? I kissed you. Finally. I’m going to be straight with you so you can’t say you don’t know what it is I want. I want you!” His eyes go wide at my point blank declaration. “I like you. I want to date you. I want you, Cruz. I’m interested in you on so many levels. I think you want me too, yet, you’re scared or unwilling to make the first move, so I’m making it for you.
“I want you. That’s what I want. If you don’t want me in the same way, I’ll stop this. We can go back to being friends and just hanging out, but I’m tired of this dance. If you want me, take me. I’m here. If you don’t, it’s totally ok. It’ll suck for a bit, but I’m a big girl. So, you know what I want. The question now is what do you want?”
He stares at me and his intense gaze searches my face before he groans and looks out of his window. I watch his reflection in the glass as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. His eyes meet mine through the reflection. I don’t look away. I refuse to look away.
Finally, he says something. “It’s complicated, Tifanie.”
Without thinking, I grab his arm. He stiffens. “Cruz. Look at me.”
He stays as still as a statue for a minute before reluctantly turning toward me. The console is the only thing between us.
Reaching out, I take his hand and trace the veins popping out with his tense stance. “Why is it complicated?”
He looks down and watches my fingers trace the length of his hand. Muttering so lightly I have to strain to hear him, he says, “It just is. There are things you don’t know. Bad things. Things I don’t want you to know.”
My hand stills. Bad things? Like what? What could be so bad that he’s built this wall around himself? Was he abused? Molested? I don’t understand what he’s talking about, but I want him to share it with me. Nothing he can say is going to change anything I feel… right?
“Like what, Cruz? You can talk to me. You should know that by now.”
He nods. “I do know that. I know you say that, but I have a feeling it won’t matter. It always ends up mattering to people. People think about me differently.”
What on earth is he talking about? He’s not making any sense.
“I have to admit, I’m lost here, Cruz. I know you have secrets. Hell, anyone can see that you have a wall up, but I really haven’t the slightest idea as to why that is. I want nothing more than for you to talk to me. I’d be there for you. I would still be here. Nothing you can say will change anything about the way I feel for you, but you have to let me in.
“I can wait. I’m not pushing, but I want you to tell me, when you’re comfortable. I just can’t do this anymore. I want you. I care about you. I want things to move on to the next level with us, but you have to give me something. You have to either tell me that you want me too or you don’t. I promise I’ll be fine with either, but you have to give me at least that.”
Shit, Tif, nothing like laying it all out there.
I know that breaks every rule, but shit… I need an answer and he’s going to give me one.
Cruz is still just watching me, saying nothing. Finally he nods.
What the hell is the nod about? Does he think he just answered me? What the hell?
He puts the car in reverse and backs out. What the hell?!
I stare at his profile in confusion. What was the nod about? Was he saying he is interested? Is he saying he’s not? That nod has me more confused than anything he’s done up until now.
I watch Cruz expertly handle the sports car through traffic. He drives fast, but cautiously. Within ten minutes, he’s pulling up at my small house. He pulls into the driveway and parks before he looks at me. The security light came on when he parked, so his face is illuminated. God, he’s perfect.
We sit in silence and I pick at the seam on my jeans. He doesn’t talk, but then again, he’s never been much of a talker. Eventually, I can’t take it anymore. I blurt out, “What the hell was the nod for?”
He lightly chuckles. “I knew that would eat at you.”
Slapping the seat in frustration, I lean back and glare at him. “Well yeah! What did it mean? You want me? You don’t? I need more than a nod, Cruz!”
He leans over and gets into my space as he pulls the handle on my door. He gestures out. “Let’s get out.”
I’m going to kill him. Is he purposely trying to drive me batty? Every question is just ignored or he’s evasive with his answers. Dammit man, throw me a breadcrumb!
I get out and stomp up my steps before throwing myself into the cypress swing hanging from the rafters and watch him.
Ok, maybe that was juvenile, but he’s literally making me crazy!
He trails up the steps and leans casually against the post as he watches me with a slight smile.
“Are you enjoying pissing me off?” I throw out at him.
He can’t help it, he laughs. The sound is so amazing, I can’t stop the smile that spreads across my face or the heat that pools in my center.
Crossing the porch, he joins me on the swing and uses one foot to gently push us. He’s on one end and I’m on the other. He laughs again. “I am enjoying your huffing and puffing.”
I slap his shoulder and the muscles jump. “That is so rude.”
He looks at me and his face sobers. We stare for a long time before he again turns away and looks through the trees and up at the moon. He speaks and I watch the shadows dance across his face. “Ok, Tifanie. I’ll tell you a little something…”
Chapter Five
Cruz
Am I really going to do this? Am I really going to talk to Tifanie about my demons? Am I ready to open myself up to anyone?
I’m not actually, but she’s been brutally honest with me. She deserves to know. At least a little bit.
Here goes nothing…
It’s a beautiful night. It’s not sweltering hot and there’s actually a cool front, so with the breeze, it’s about seventy out here. Tifanie’s porch is nice. It suits her.
Nature relaxes me, so I watch the breeze through the leaves as I decide to tell her some of my past.
Her breath catches, almost as if she’s startled I’m really going to tell her. I can’t really blame her. I’m a pretty secretive guy.
“My momma is amazing. She raised me on her own. She was right at twenty-one when I was born. She worked for an architecture firm in Baton Rouge. She was in college for architecture, so the internship was exactly what she wanted.
“The day she started at the firm, she met one of the partners. He was wealthy and a little older than her, but he seemed to like her. She was focused on getting through college and soaking up all the knowledge she could gather from
working at the firm.
“He asked her out for drinks and dinner almost daily, but she always politely declined. Something about him made her uncomfortable, but she said she couldn’t put her finger on what exactly. This went on for months.
“A large contract came to the firm and they had late nights and all hands on deck to perfect the proposal. The partner started flirting more and more with my momma as they worked closer and closer together.
“She continued to decline. The firm got the proposal and everyone went out to celebrate one night. It was at a bar and people were drunk. She left after a couple of drinks because she had class the next morning and while she unlocked her car, he followed her. He was drunk and aggressive. She declined his advances again and he lost it. He beat and raped her and then he freaked out and stole her purse to make it look like a robbery.
“He left her there… in the dirty parking lot of a bar while he went back in and had more drinks.
“She was able to identify him after she was examined and cleaned up in the hospital. He was arrested and eventually convicted, but he left a permanent reminder… me.”
I watch Tifanie as I say the last part. I want to see her reaction. Her eyes widen, and her hand flies to her mouth, but she doesn’t say anything.
I tell her the rest. “I’m the child of a rape, Tifanie. My momma is black. The man who raped her is white. I’m a mixed child resulting from a heinous act.”
She swallows and looks at me. Her eyes are glassy, but she doesn’t speak. Finally, she removes her hand and lets out a long, drawn-out sigh. “Cruz, I am so sorry for your mother. No woman should ever have to deal with that. I see it more than I ever want to.” She looks at me and cocks her head to the side as she concentrates on my face. “I’m confused though. I knew you were mixed. You are in fact black, though you are light and your eyes are blue. Was that supposed to come as a shock to me?”
Does she really not understand? She’s acting like I’m mixed is what she should be scandalized about. Did she not hear the part about me coming from a rape?!
I am in shock. “No, I know you know I’m mixed. I just told you I came from a rape, Tifanie.”
She nods. “I know. I heard you. Every word. But what I’m confused about is why you think that has any bearing on you. You are a good man, Cruz. You are loyal and smart and beautiful and talented. Why do you think the sins of your father have anything whatsoever to do with you?”
Is she serious?
“What? How can you say that?
“The only reason I exist is because a man whose blood created me raped and beat my mother. His blood is in me, Tifanie. He’s a part of me.”
She shakes her head and takes my hands. “No, Cruz. You’re wrong. Yes, he helped create you, but you define you.
“What I see is a man who is letting the shame of someone else’s acts make him feel inferior. You are not. You are amazing. And your mother should be very proud of this amazing man you are. She molded you. You learned from her not from him. I don’t believe that he’s a part of you. I believe that we define ourselves.”
Does she mean that?
I swallow as my chest gets tight. The guys have said as much for years now, but they know the story. They know everything. Can Tifanie really be serious?
My hands cradle hers and I tighten my fingers. “What?”
She smiles and leans over, closing the distance between us. She looks into my face and squeezes my hands. “Cruz, I wish you could see what I see…”
Without thinking it through, I close the remaining distance and capture her mouth. She gasps as she’s taken by surprise. Her hands leave my hands and trail up my arms before circling my neck. Her head angles, giving me better access. She moans into my mouth as she opens her lips to grant me the access I’ve been craving.
I didn’t realize how badly I’ve wanted the feel of her mouth on mine. Our tongues weave a magical spell as they dance.
She moans my name as she breaks the kiss, only to climb across my lap and straddle me on the swing before meshing her mouth once again to mine.
My hands are weaving through her hair, anchoring her head at the angle that I want it. She runs her hands over my shoulders and down my chest and abs before running them back up. She’s tracing all of the ridges.
She moves again and we almost fall off the swing. It interrupts us and she breaks the kiss to keep from falling backwards.
Leaning her head into my neck, she breathes deeply. I lay my head back and try to gather my thoughts. That was… incredible.
A chuckle against my neck makes me smile as she mutters, “Um, ok then. You are a mighty fine kisser, Mr. Edwards.”
I laugh as I pull back and look at her. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are sparkling. “You’re no novice yourself.”
She laughs again and stands up, holding her hand out to me. “I’m getting chilly since I’m not climbing you like a monkey on a banana tree anymore. Let’s go in. I want coffee.”
My eyes widen. She laughs even harder. “You can keep your clothes on. I’m not asking you to share my bed. Well, unless you want to uncover all those glorious muscles, in which case I will certainly not complain. You can certainly consume your coffee shirtless! I’m just saying let’s go inside.”
Feeling surprisingly lighter, I shake my head and chuckle again. “Ok.”
I love that she’s so confident and sure of herself and what she wants. It’s refreshing without being obnoxious. She’s so sexy without really trying. It’s damn interesting and takes a lot of the pressure off of me.
She unlocks the door and turns on the lights as we enter. Walking to her kitchen, she calls over her shoulder, “Besides, you don’t get any of this until you answer my question.”
Answer her question?
I did that. Didn’t I?!
No, you did not answer her. Because you still don’t know if you’re going to go for it. Yet, after that kiss, the thought of anyone else sampling Tifanie does not sit well with me. Not at all…
Hell no, that is not happening.
I decide to act out of character. No time like the present to make a stand. With my decision made, I head into the kitchen. She turns and once she sees the look in my eyes, she watches me warily as I cross over to her, take the coffee cup out of her hand, and place it on the counter.
She looks up at me. She’s tall, but I’m taller. She swallows. “Um, what are you doing?”
I chuckle again as I back her into the counter. Leaning down, I talk softly against her lips, “Answering your question,” and then gently brush my mouth against hers.
She shudders and whispers, “What was the question again?”
Laughing, I lean down to kiss her lightly before pulling back and staring into her hazel eyes. “The question of what I want.”
She nods. “Ok, so what do you want?”
Leaning down and answering her as I look deep into her eyes, I say with the utmost sincerity, “I want you.”
Leaning her forehead against mine, I can see her smile. “Thank you, Jesus. It’s about time!”
I laugh and push down the fear. I just took a huge chance on not just myself, but her too. Right now, I just want to relish it. I’ll deal with the fear later.
Can I do this? What am I about to take on? Are we going to date? Is she going to see other dudes? Like Remy?
Hell no. No, she’s not. No other dudes. Just me.
Me and Tifanie… I think we’ve crossed the friend barrier.
Hell, if you weren’t a scaredy-cat, Cruz, you could have crossed it long before now.
Man, I’m going to get so much shit for this…
Tifanie snaps me out of my musings with a towel slap to my rear. “You want some coffee? I have Community Pumpkin Praline.”
I nod. Coffee is good. “Sounds great. You have creamer, too?”
She laughs and points to the fridge. “I do. Pumpkin Spice and Vanilla Latte. Take your pick. Hand me the pumpkin, though.”
I can’t help but laug
h as I open the fridge. She sees me looking and shrugs and smirks. “What can I say? I’m a pumpkin whore!”
A pumpkin whore?!
I grab one of the bottles and close it as I turn. Holding it out, I ask, “Six bottles? Are you really going to drink all of that?”
She sticks her tongue out at me and takes the bottle, making sure to touch me. She watches me to see if I’m going to pull back from her, like I usually do. I don’t. She smiles.
“Yes, I will drink all of it and probably buy more if it’s still out. It’s hard to find and it’s my fave.”
We chit chat about Halloween, which is next month, while the coffee brews. She’s a big fan of the holiday and says whenever she’s not working for it, she dresses up and goes out. She mentions that this year she’s going to be Black Widow and she’s scheduled to be off for the annual Baton Rouge Halloween Parade. My brows raise as I think about her body in that tight black costume. She smirks and coyly says, “Care to be Captain America and join me?” I laugh and shake my head. No way in hell I’m dressing up like Captain America for Halloween. “No to Captain America. Yes, I’ll join you though.” I smirk. “I’m more of a Director Fury man.” I wink.
Once we get the coffee, we head into her living room and get comfy on the couch while she pulls up Netflix. She presses against me and I let her. I even move my arm, so she can lean against my side. It’s new and unexpected, but it’s like I just know what to do. Maybe it’s just that I know what to do with Tifanie.
She asks if I want to watch Hocus Pocus and I laugh. “You really are in love with Halloween, huh?”
She nods. “I am. I love it. It’s so fun and I go all out with the kids and stuff. Growing up, the annual Halloween party was one of the few things I really enjoyed with my family.”
She never talks about her family, so my interest is piqued. But she doesn’t say anything more and we settle in to watch the movie. Snuggled together on the couch under a blanket, drinking pumpkin coffee.
