by Jessica Ames
I kiss her head and leave the room once she drifts off again. I need coffee, although I’d prefer it with something a little stronger than milk. The vending machine in the corridor outside her room doesn’t dispense the best cup of caffeine, but it’s better than nothing.
I rub the back of my neck as I move towards the machine, my yawn tearing out of me. I could sleep for a month, but I don’t have that option. I snatch an hour here and there, but I’m starting to feel the effects of running on near to empty.
As I push the button for a white coffee with sugar, I hear a voice behind me.
“Sasha.”
Even after all this time, even after all the hurt, he has the power to make the apex between my legs throb with anticipation.
Slowly, I turn from the machine and come face to face with Rav. My heart twitches as I take him in. He looks the same as he did when I saw him at the compound, but he doesn’t look like my Tyler, not anymore. He’s bigger, brawnier and wears a permanent scowl etched onto his handsome face. His worn and battered kutte fits him like it’s moulded to his frame, the ‘President’ patch on the front a stark reminder of the man he is.
Regret surges through me, followed by remorse. I shouldn’t have let things get this far.
“Ty…” I breathe his name, trying to recapture my equilibrium. No one else can knock me off target like him. He still has the ability to bring me to my knees. He can still stir my desire and make me want him, even when he’s snarling at me.
Today, his long dark hair is loose around his shoulders, which accentuates that beard he’s wearing. He looks wild. It’s a good look on him.
“Ravage,” he growls. “I earned that name and you’ll use it, like everyone else does.”
And just like that ice fills my veins and my desire washes away, because his words cut me to the bone. Once, I was the only person allowed to call him Tyler. Once, I knew everything there was to know about him. Now, he’s treating me no better than a club bunny or an outsider, and fuck, does that hurt.
I steel myself, lifting my chin slightly, ignoring the pain his words bring.
“Ravage,” I bite back, my stomach in knots at the malice in his tone. “They do the test down the hallway. I’ll show you—”
I start to walk away, but he snags my bicep. An electric charge surges through me at his touch. My mind recalls our time spent together, the nights we spent making love and the days we spent talking about our future together—a future that is now destroyed.
“You said you’d explain.” His voice is hard, unyielding.
Ice churns in my gut.
“And I will. Once you’ve done the test.”
He shakes his head. “Explain first, then I’ll do the test.”
I swallow the bile that crawls up my throat. This is not a memory lane I want to take a walk back up. Rav says he wants the truth, but could he really handle knowing what his brother did to me?
He thinks this hurts now?
He has no idea the pain the truth will bring.
“There’s not much to explain.”
His gaze hardens. “He says you came on to him, that it was dark and he didn’t know who you were.”
I scoff at this. Sin’s explanation sounds so crazy. “And you believe that?”
“No. I don’t know what the fuck to believe. You left without a word, then you show back up years later telling me I might be a father, but so might my brother. What the fuck am I supposed to think?”
There’s a hint of hurt beneath the angry words he fires at me. I should be sympathetic to that, but I’m not. I’m pissed off that he never once has taken my corner, that he hasn’t fought for me. He keeps talking about our past, but he’s seeing a different picture to the one I am. Yeah, I ran, but now I know it was the right decision.
Sin was right.
Rav wouldn’t have believed me and I would not have been strong enough to fight them both back then.
I roll to my toes and get in his face, injustice and hurt making me furious. “You’re supposed to know me better than anyone else,” I hiss at him. “You know I would never cheat on you.”
He gazes back at me, unflinchingly, his mouth pulling into a tight line. “The evidence suggests otherwise, darlin’.”
I don’t miss the sarcasm in his voice. It grates on my nerves. I didn’t do shit wrong and I’m tired of paying for it. I’m tired of being the one called whore and slut, and whatever other words they use to bring me low—even if Sin made me feel like one.
“Then there’s nothing to explain, is there?” I snap in his face.
Again, he doesn’t react, other than a small draw down of his brows. I shake myself. This is not an argument I want to get into, even if Rav is bringing up all sorts of buried feelings. All I care about is my daughter.
“Are you going to do the test or not?” I demand, my patience wearing thin.
“I want to see her.”
My heart rate kicks up a notch at his words. “No.”
Maybe it’s selfish to say it, considering the man could be her father, but I don’t want any of the filth of my past to touch her, to taint her. It’s unjust, since Rav never did a thing wrong, but he’s still part of that other life—a life that built me up and then tore me down. It destroyed the girl I was, changed everything I thought about myself and left me with nightmares that still haunt me. It changed him too. There is plenty more darkness in him now.
His face contorts with rage.
“Sasha, if she’s mine or there’s even a hint she could be mine, I want to know my daughter, and if you think you’re going to stop me—”
“You don’t get a say in this. I raised her alone. I went through labour and night feeds and getting up when she was sick or scared. I’m the one who has sat with her in hospitals across London. Me. I did that. She’s mine.”
“You didn’t exactly give me a fucking choice in that, babe.” The ‘babe’ is said with venom behind it and it grinds on my already grated nerves.
“It was your fault I wa—” I cut myself off, not wanting to rehash the past. Not wanting to get into a debate with him.
“My fault, what?”
“Just forget it.” When I start to turn away, he grabs my wrist. I drag my arm away, tired of being manhandled by him. He doesn’t attempt to grab me again, but leans at the waist to get in my face.
“No, I won’t just forget it. What the fuck happened between you two?”
I swallow down my disgust as memories flash across my mind. My skin still crawls, no matter how many hot showers I take. I can’t erase Sin’s touch. “Just do the test. Then I’ll be out of your life again.”
There’s a begging tone to my voice that grates on my own nerves, and I can tell it grates on his too. I’m not someone who begs, ever, but for Lily-May, I will do whatever it takes.
“Whether you’re in my life or not ain’t your choice anymore, sweetheart.”
“Rav—”
“No, you should have thought about that before your sweet mouth told me I could be a father.” He pushes his fingers through his hair. “You take me to see her and I’ll do your fucking test.”
I’m backed into a corner here, and with no choice, I do the only thing I can. I agree.
“Okay. Follow me, but you do anything to upset her and I’ll cut your fucking balls off.”
8
Ravage
I’m on edge as I step into that room behind Sasha, my gaze lingering on the slim build of her hips and her narrow dainty shoulders that seem to carry the weight of the world on them. It’s been years, but she still has the ability to make me hard just with a look, like some kind of fucking Siren. I hate that she can, but watching her brings back memories of our past, memories of a time when I thought I could do or be anything with her by my side.
Reality was far different.
Her hair, which was longer when we were together, is cut to her chin now. It suits her, but I miss the longer waves she had. It was the perfect length to wrap my fist in while
fucking her from behind. This new look makes her seem harder, sharper even. Then again everything about her seems harder now, like life has chipped away at all her soft edges.
The urge to take her pouty mouth, to run my fingers through her hair, mark and claim her is overwhelming, but I keep it locked down. I keep my steel shutters up. I can’t let her in, not even for a second.
I pull my gaze from her, and my stomach clenches as my gaze roves around the room. I have no clue if this kid is mine or Sin’s, but no child should end up somewhere like this. She should be running around doing kid things, not fighting for every next breath.
I want to be pissed about the fact this kid could be my brother’s, but all my anger flees the moment I set my sight on her. Whatever happens, she’s family, and that means something to me. Family is everything.
I move closer to the bed, peering down at her. The little girl is lying on her back, wires and tubes snaking out from under her pyjamas. She’s tiny and delicate and everything me and Sasha are not—innocent.
There’s a pallor to her already pale skin that tells me she’s ill, and if it didn’t, the machinery bleeping at the side of the cot bed, keeping her functioning, would.
The smell of antiseptics and cleaning fluids are heavy in the air, mingling with the scent of sickness. It’s choking and I cough a little as I move towards the bed.
The kid doesn’t wake as I stare into her face, trying to see me in her features, but while there are some noticeable attributes that I could say come from my side of the family, she’s Sash in miniature—apart from the hair colouring.
My eyes move to the board over the bed where ‘Lily-May Montgomery’ is scrawled. That pisses me off. She should be a Jenkins. There shouldn’t be any doubt about who her father is.
I jump down on my anger. Now is not the time to let rip. Even so, what-if scenarios race through my mind as I think about the life I could have had if Sash hadn’t been unfaithful, if my brother hadn’t betrayed me. It would be me sitting at this kid’s bedside, doing everything I could to keep her breathing.
I understand Sasha’s determination to get us tested. If she is mine, I’d walk on fire for her.
If she is mine, I will.
Looking at her, it’s impossible to tell either way. I look too much like Sin to see past the familial similarities.
Sasha doesn’t offer any words or explanations. She just stands on the other side of the bed, running her fingers over her daughter’s hair.
“The transplant will help?” I ask.
“It’s her last chance. I already tested, but I’m not a full match. Her father might be, though.”
My jaw clenches at this information as I think of her with Sin. I should have murdered that little fucker.
The urge to spit vitriol at her is squashed by the little girl sleeping in the bed. She tempers my response.
Unable to stand there any longer, conjuring pictures of what our future could have looked like, conjuring images of the thing that tore us apart, I stride from the room, raking my fingers through my hair.
As soon as I’m in the hallway, my hands go to the back of my neck and I stare up at the ceiling as I roar out a, “Fuck!”
Sasha doesn’t say a word. She watches my outburst with a quiet disinterest that pisses me off. I’d rather she spit venom back. That would give me a reason to offload all this anger inside me.
“I want a paternity test.” Saying these words loosens some of the heaviness in my chest, but the ripple of panic that goes across her face confuses me.
Shouldn’t she want to know this too?
“No.”
“I wasn’t asking, darlin’. I want that test.”
I watch her throat work as she shakes her head, her guard coming down for long enough to let me see the vulnerability beneath. She’s scared. Not just scared, but petrified.
Why the fuck would she be petrified of finding out who the father is?
I don’t like puzzles, especially ones I can’t solve, and this only adds to my suspicion that something more is going on.
“It’s in the past, Rav. What difference does it make?”
“She’s two and a half years old. I have the rest of my life to be her dad if she’s mine, so yeah, Sash, it makes all the fucking difference.”
I watch her teeth grit before she loosens her jaw.
“Fine,” she concedes. “You do the bone marrow test and I’ll have a paternity test done. Deal?”
I nod. Then point a finger at her chest. “There’s more going on here than you’re letting on and you’re going to give me the answers, even if I have to drag them out of you.”
She lets out a frustrated breath. “There’s nothing going on here. Stop trying to find reasons and just accept it happened. I have.”
I stare at her, trying to get the lay of the situation and then my lip curls into a snarl. “Now’s the time to come clean if something else went on.”
She meets my angry gaze with a defiant one and mutters out a, “Do the test. They managed to squeeze you in this morning. I can’t guarantee another slot.”
Her hedging is pissing me off, but she’s a closed door to me. I shake my head.
“I’ll do it because that little girl in there is family, but we’re not done here. Not by a long shot.”
I stride up the corridor towards the nurses’ station and lean my elbows on the top of the reception desk. The nurse’s eyes raise to mine and I see a flash of fear as she takes in my size and my kutte. It’s a reaction I’m used to. Women swing between scared and interested by my kutte. This one is the former.
She swallows hard and asks, “Yes?”
“I’m here to do the test for Lily-May Montgomery.”
“Oh, right. Absolutely.”
She fumbles about with a stack of paperwork then leads me into a side room.
“It’s a simple procedure. We just swab the inside of your cheek.” She’s trying to reassure me, but I’m not in the mood for chit chat or small talk.
“Let’s just get this over with, yeah?”
She nods and orders me to sit at the side of the desk. I take my seat and wait while she gloves up and gets the equipment she needs out.
“Okay, open wide.”
I open my mouth and she scrapes the swab across the inside of my cheek.
“All done.”
I watch as she places the swab in a vial and smiles at me.
“It’ll take a couple of days for the results to come back.”
“Yeah, thanks,” I mutter, getting to my feet.
I push out the room and go in search of Sasha, determined more than ever to get my answers.
9
Ravage
Lily-May’s room is shut up tight, a bunch of doctors on the other side when I come back from doing the test. I can see Sasha’s back through the small pane of glass in the door. I’m contemplating entering the room when a voice behind me says, “They’ll be done in a minute.”
I turn, coming face to face with a small blonde woman who is glaring at me like I kill puppies in my spare time. She’s clutching a paper bag, two bottles of water on the chair next to her.
I let my gaze rove over her lazily, enjoying the way she squirms under my scrutiny, even though she tries not to. She’s got balls, I’ll give her that. Most people would be freaked the fuck out by me, but not her—at least not outwardly. She’s hiding her fear well.
“You’re Ravage, right?” she questions, her head tilted to one side as she takes me in. Her mouth pulls into a slight sneer as she straightens her back, but I don’t miss the fear dancing behind her eyes and the tremble in her hands.
I don’t answer her, instead firing back my own question.
“And you are?”
“Lucy. Sash and Lily-May live with me.”
So, this is the bitch Sasha has been hiding with? I can see why. She’s strong and has an edge to her. I’m not sure why I’m supposed to give a fuck, or why she’s introduced herself, but the woman isn’t finished ye
t.
“She just got herself back together. Back off and stop giving her shit.”
“And what the fuck has it got to do with you?” I pull my lips into a sneer, baring my teeth. “Who’s going to stop me? You?” I snort.
“Sasha is my friend, and I was the one who had to pick up the broken pieces. Leaving you nearly fucking killed her.”
The accusation in her voice has my anger flaring. “She was broken? I was the one she walked out on without a word.” I grit my teeth. “I’m only here because that kid in there might be mine. I don’t give a fuck about Sasha.”
That’s a lie, but it’s one I’m going to keep telling myself. I fucking hate her, but I also care about her, and that’s the fucking problem. Things would be easier if I didn’t.
Lucy glares up at me, her eyes shooting venom. “You and that fucking club destroyed her, and we both know Sasha isn’t the type of woman to break easily. You should have seen her. She wouldn’t eat, she cried all the time. I was the one who glued her back together while she was dealing with her pregnancy. You think you’re hard done by? You should have lived through what she had to. So yeah, I have every fucking right.”
“She fucked my brother,” I hiss at her. If we weren’t in a public place, I might have let my temper go fully. As it is, I’m struggling to keep a tight rein on it.
She laughs at my words although I see a hint of fear dancing in her eyes as her gaze shifts around the hallway.
“Is that what that bastard said?” she demands, then shakes her head. Disgust crosses her face. “And you believed him, didn’t you?”
“There’s a kid in there that could be either mine or my brother’s. Do you need a lesson in fucking biology?”
“I hope he rots in hell. Fuck, I’d send him there myself.”
“What the fuck? Are you threatening my brother?
“Your brother is a piece of shit, Ravage. And trust me, if I ever see him it won’t be a threat.”
Sin is a bastard, but that doesn’t mean I’ll let some bit of skirt threaten him. I step into her space and I watch the fear flicker in her eyes as she tries not to shrink back in her seat.
