Us: A If I Break (Her) Story

by Portia Moore

  Us

  Portia Moore

  Contents

  1. Alana

  2. Kam

  3. Ian

  4. Cal

  5. Alana

  Untitled

  Chapter 6

  Untitled

  7. Lauren

  Untitled

  8. Megan

  Untitled

  Chapter 9

  Untitled

  10. Kam

  Untitled

  11. Megan

  Untitled

  12. Kam

  Untitled

  13. Megan

  14. Kam

  Megan

  15. Ian

  Megan

  16. Kam

  Megan

  17. Ian

  18. Kam

  Megan

  Chapter 19

  1

  Alana

  I’ve shared everything with her. My whole life, our whole life, and when I give it to her she still only wants what’s mine. She wants him. The bitch wants him!

  How could she?!

  After everything I've done.

  All I've done to protect her to keep her safe, to allow her to live when I couldn’t. She doesn’t care about the sacrifices I’ve made or pretty much anything I've done. It’s never enough. Giving her Blue wasn’t enough. Letting her have her boring ass boyfriend Kam wasn't enough. She wants what I have. The only thing that I have…that I've ever had for myself.

  She's a selfish bitch!

  You almost killed us!

  I’m not the one who ran out into the fucking street!

  I hate her. I’ll never forgive her. I know what she wants now, but I’ll never let her have him.

  Ever.

  “I’m sorry, dear, we have your name listed as Megan in the chart. You hit your head quite hard. You may not remember things correctly for a little while. Can you tell me what year it is and what state you are in?”

  Shit!

  I’ve got to get a grip. I have to think. I need to get out of here while I have the time and the control, since she’s gone for now.

  “The year is 2019 and I’m in Illinois…my name is Megan. My brain’s a little foggy.” I try to correct myself as she looks at me curiously.

  “Do you remember anything that happened?” the nurse asks, and I muster the most innocent look. I think I can.

  I start to speak and realize how fucking dry my mouth is.

  “No idea. I just remember seeing a car coming towards me,” I mutter quietly.

  “Who brought me in?” I ask, wondering if it was Ian. Did he chase her? Did he want to make a grand declaration of his love to her? The thought brings tears to my eyes, and makes me want to hit something.

  “You came in by ambulance and was transferred here.”

  I feel my eyebrow shoot up. Transferred? I look around the room more closely. It’s not the run-of-the-mill kind of hospital room I was in when I was younger. It’s swanky and large with big picture windows. There’s actual furniture, the nice kind, and a big flat-screen TV.

  “Look, I feel fine. If I can just get my things and be on my way. I’ll sign whatever it is you want,” I say, plastering a smile on my face. But the truth is my body is sore and as soon as I make a sudden movement a slice of pain shoots through me. Shit!

  “Megan, you’re in the psychiatric ward of Rush University. You can’t leave until someone comes that we can release you to.”

  “Psychiatric ward!” I shriek, glaring at her.

  “You seem very upset. If you want, I’ll see if I can give you something to make you feel calmer.”

  That’s the last fucking thing I want! I shrink backwards, my mind racing.

  “But I’m the who got hit by a fucking car. If anything, the driver should be here!”

  “The report says that you ran in front of the car on purpose.” She looks at me sympathetically.

  “That’s ridiculous.” I roll my eyes. “I wouldn’t try to kill myself. I love my life, and I happen to very much like being alive.”

  “Megan, you really need to calm down…”

  “Stop calling me Megan!” I snap, feeling my head start to pound. I feel trapped, and I hate it. “If I wanted to kill myself—which I didn’t—that’s my own damn right anyway. So let me out of here!”

  “I can’t do that,” the nurse says calmly.

  “So Megan, either you can calm yourself down, or I can give you something to achieve that, like I said a minute ago.” Her tone is vaguely threatening. I see her eyes flick down to the straps at the edge of the bed.

  You’ve really fucked up this time.

  So maybe I overreacted? Megan is a fragile fucking flower of course, but I didn’t know she’d almost get us killed. If I’m being honest with myself, that—and not Megan’s selfish and stupid choices, might I add—is what made us get hit by the car. But every time I think back to her with Ian, I feel enraged all over again.

  Megan has feelings for Ian, regardless of her relationship with Kam, and despite how much she “loves” him. And the entire fucking reason I gave up my life with Ian, that I locked myself away, was to keep her away from him. He’s the love of my life, my happy ever after!

  “Can I call my boyfriend…Kam, please?” The nurse raises an eyebrow but says nothing, adjusting the IV.

  “Please…I need to talk to someone,” I try again, keeping my tone calm. But she ignores me. I grit my teeth, glaring at her again. “I want to talk to someone!” I snap, my voice rising to a high pitch. “You have to let me talk to someone!”

  She steps back, surveying me carefully. “Your brother is here,” she says finally. “If you will calm down, I’ll let him in to see you, then the doctor will be in shortly.”

  “I don’t have a brother,” I snap angrily. “I want to see Kam!”

  “Your brother is the only person that’s allowed in,” the nurse explains calmly, reminding me I'm in a nuthouse and if I want to get out I'll have to be...Megan. Calm, docile, walked-all-over Megan.

  I should have known that Dexter was somehow involved in this.

  This room screams VIP. I should be grateful, but I’m only irritated. I grit my teeth. “Fine. I’ll see him,” I mutter under my breath. The nurse smiles, looking pleased.

  “I’ll go get him then,” the nurse says, a little of the kindness returning to her tone.

  I expect to see Dexter walking through the door, but instead another man strides into the room, looking at me with concern—veiled by irritation. I have vague recollections of this guy. I had meant it when I told Blue that I planned to not be cognizant once I let Megan take control again. There were a few times when I just couldn’t stay dormant or block it all out, but those are parts of Megan’s experiences that I remember. Except that one time I couldn’t help…but other than that it was all just a blur—like a thick fog that I saw and heard things through.

  I think I remember Megan calling him Cain or Cooper.

  I look at him more carefully. He looks more like me than Dexter does. From his thick dark hair to his light eyes, he’s tall too, maybe 6’2’’.

  He’s hot—like me, but a guy—and from his swagger he knows it.

  “So you ran into the middle of traffic?” he asks shortly.

  I arch a brow at him.

  So he’s a smart-ass?

  Great.

  “Have they told you when I can leave?” I ask, feigning an innocent voice and ignoring his dig.

  “You’re in the psych ward,” he says flatly. “They’re going to keep you until they determine that you’re not a risk to yourself. You’re stuck here for at least three days,” he says matter-of-factly.

  “You know I’m not a risk to myself,” I add with a laugh, uns
ure if he knows it or not. I try to think of his relationship with Megan. I don’t know if he likes her, but he has to care or else he wouldn’t be here. I wonder if he’s rich too, or if Dexter called this one in.

  “Seeing as you ran into the middle of traffic, you’re either crazy or stupid. So which one is it?” he asks, leaning against the large bright window, his arms folded across his broad chest. I glare at him, trying to figure out this guy’s deal. He’s sort of unreadable, which really irritates me. I’m used to reading guys and knowing what they want, what they’re thinking, etc., but he’s hard to crack. I know he doesn’t want to fuck me, since we’re related, but he doesn’t seem that happy to be here. And what type of jerk-off implies their sister, who was just in an accident, is stupid or insane? I swallow down the urge to tell him to go fuck himself since he seems to be my only way out right now.

  “Who said I ran in front of the car, the driver?” I ask him sarcastically.

  “Hillary saw you,” he says flatly.

  Who the hell is Hillary?

  “Hillary was mistaken,” I say, my voice tight even though I’m trying to keep it even. Then his apparent bored expression, indicating this is the last place he wants to be, morphs into one of intrigue.

  “You seem different,” he points out, positioning his body towards me, his brows drawing together and the corner of his mouth beginning to turn up. My face goes blank.

  “Well, I did just get hit by car,” I reply, stating the obvious.

  “Tell me if I’m wrong here…but…you don’t know who I am, do you?”

  He sort of squints at me and smiles wide enough to display his perfect teeth.

  Shit! Is it that obvious? I’ve got to think. The last thing I want is for them to think I have memory issues and keep me here longer.

  “The nurse said I may have a foggy memory. It’s totally normal,” I say, trying to keep my tone nice and neutral how Megan would.

  “You’re not Megan are you?” he asks, amused.

  How the hell would he know that? Who does he think I am…does he know? I try to think hard, slogging my way through a haze of Megan’s thoughts.

  Did Megan tell him about us?

  She did!

  I think....yeah because...

  “Hmm, interesting. I always knew what Chris did but you don’t seem like you know what she does.” He’s grabbed a chair and slogged it over so he’s near my bed.

  Cal!

  That’s his name, and he knows.

  He knows about me and Megan and he knows because…he’s like me. My heart starts to pound and his smile softens. I’m glaring back at him now. I’ve never met anyone like me. Who knows what it’s like, who possibly understands. I let out a small breath and angle towards him as best I can.

  “You’re like me…” I say quietly, our eyes meeting. He gives the slightest nod.

  It’s surreal.

  I always knew that something was wrong with us even before I was old enough to find out there was an official name, that there were others that went through what me and Megan did. But I never met anyone who understood, and I never thought that an actual sibling of mine would understand. I’m simultaneously relieved and sad as fuck for him.

  “So are you the savior or the screwup?” I ask him bluntly.

  He smirks and walks over to my bed. “You know, I think we’re going to get along just fine.”

  “You haven’t gotten to know me yet,” I say, giving him a much needed warning.

  He just laughs and without missing a beat, holds out a hand, grinning. “Nice to meet you, Alana.”

  2

  Kam

  Alana. Married? How the hell is that possible? I try to get my vision settled because for a moment everything around me is spinning. I can hear my dad’s voice calling my name, asking if I’m still there, and I hesitantly lift the phone to my ear again.

  “Can you say that again?” I ask quietly, my voice dull. Praying that what he just said will change. Knowing what he said can’t be right, feeling everything that I planned, everything I wanted, starting to crumble around me.

  I think of the ring in my bag, sitting in Megan’s apartment. How I was going to wait until Christmas to ask her to marry me. Feeling so secure in our future, not at all concerned about the things we haven’t figured out yet. Wanting her to know none of it mattered—just us.

  But if what my dad says is true, she married someone else. She made those vows—eternal love and devotion, a lifetime spent together—to someone else. To another man, before me.

  It can’t be true. You don’t forget that!

  “I found records of Alana’s marriage,” my father repeats patiently. “Her husband is Ian Hudson.

  And she presumably is still married, since there’s no record of a divorce decree.”

  “That’s impossible,” I whisper, trying to pull myself together. My thoughts are whirling, making it hard to think straight, but I need to figure this out. It doesn’t add up.

  “It’s impossible,” I repeat louder. “Megan was a virgin. She’d never even had a boyfriend before me.” It’s awkward, talking about this with my father. But I need him to understand that something isn’t right. His information isn’t right.

  And then Helen’s words in that first therapy session come back to me. Everything she said about the blackouts, about the disconnect between Megan and Alana, about how Alana knows everything about Megan, but not the other way around. My father is silent on the other end of the phone, letting me work all of this out.

  It hits me.

  Megan didn’t know about Alana, or what she did during the blackouts. She might not know about Ian.

  For all she knows, I’m her first boyfriend, her first…her first everything. But just because she doesn’t remember, just because she thought that, doesn’t make it unreal. Everything Alana did when Megan wasn’t aware—it was still her.

  It makes my head ache, trying to come to terms with it. Two different people in one body but the same person, in the same body. It’s been hard to try to think of them as separate. To try to picture it like some other being taking over Megan when she’s not herself.

  The dancing at the club, the petty crimes, I can push all of that aside. I can live with that. But another man…marriage…

  I’m going to throw up.

  I remember Megan’s innocent face the first time I kissed her, the reactions of her body the first time I touched her, went down on her, slid inside of her…oh God.

  I sink down on a nearby bench, my heart pounding in my throat. The emotions crash over me—anger, hurt, betrayal. Megan might not have known, but another man still touched her, kissed her…had her. I clench my free hand into a fist. I remember how good it felt to think that I was the first man to ever be inside of her, the first man to ever make her come. I want to kill him, this Ian Hudson, for ever touching her. For making Megan lie to me, because I can’t blame her. If I need someone to blame, it’ll be him.

  And Alana.

  “I want Ian’s information,” I say tightly. “I need to talk to him about…about this.”

  “Just come back home, Son,” my father says calmly. “We need to sit down and discuss all of this. Figure out what the right path is from here. Obviously you can’t marry her if she’s already married to someone.

  “We’ll come up with a plan of action. But Chicago isn’t the place for you right now.”

  “No.” My voice is flat, emotionless. “I’m not coming home. Megan is here. My life is here. Just give me Ian’s information so I can talk to the man.”

  “No, Kameron.” I hear the finality in my father’s voice. “You’re not in any frame of mind to deal with this right now. Come home, and we’ll discuss what to do.”

  I hang up. I know my father well enough to know when he’s not going to budge, and I’m not going to waste time arguing with him.

  I’m also not going to give up. I think of how Megan will feel when she finds out. What kind of pain that’ll cause her. Except, she doesn’
t have to know. Why should she? If I can find this guy and pay him to stay away…he most likely doesn’t give a shit about her or he’d have found her by now. Maybe it was a fling in Vegas that happened when Alana was shitfaced. I can’t see how an alter could maintain a full-fledged relationship, a marriage with someone who was a steady presence in their life.

  I can fix this. I just need to find this Ian guy.

  Who can help me?

  I rack my brain of all the people I know who could find someone, but most of them are connected to my dad and knowing him, he’s spreading the word about this guy being off limits. Then I remember Blue.

  He does this kind of stuff. I don’t want him to know what I’m doing, though. He and Megan have some kind of relationship that I’m sure as hell not happy with, but I know not to push it. I trust Megan and know she wouldn’t cheat on me, especially with Blue.

  I dial Blue’s number, hoping that he picks up, remembering Katie telling me about his side work—hacking, tracking down people’s information, some private investigating type shit. I recall being pretty dismissive of it at the time, even disapproving. But now I need his help.

  To my relief, he picks up the phone. “Kam?” His voice is curious—we haven’t talked since I showed up on his doorstep and we fought over Megan.

  “Blue…I need your help,” I say quietly. “Can we meet up?”

  He’s quiet for a moment. I hope he isn’t going to say no.

  “Um…yeah. I guess.” I can hear the hesitancy, and I understand—we didn’t exactly leave things on the best of terms. I’m just glad he’s willing to talk.

  “Are you in Chicago?” he asks.