Us: A If I Break (Her) Story

by Portia Moore

  “I’m pregnant.”

  The words hang in the air and I look at Blue, then back at her.

  She’s pregnant?

  I start to feel nervousness and elation course through me. It’s words I’ve wanted to hear Alana say since she left, and it’s happened. It’s real! The anger, coldness, and frustration pours off me and I can’t fight the smile spreading across my face. I look at Blue, my eyes wide with excitement.

  This solves everything! But Blue’s face is blank; he looks like the air’s been knocked out of him. When his eyes meet mine he doesn’t look relieved or excited, there’s just pity in them. I turn back to Megan, whose eyes hold the same thing Blue’s does, and it hits me.

  “I’m pregnant by Kam, Ian.”

  I run the words she’s said back again. I’m pregnant, makes sense. But by Kam? That’s when it feels like the room has started to close in. How the hell could I forget about her fucking perfect golden boy, the one who’s been staying with her, fucking her, claiming her? I’m an idiot. A fucking idiot!

  My heart is pounding so loud it’s like drums going off in my ears. What the fuck did she just say? My breathing is shaky and I look at her, at the face of the woman who made me the happiest man in the world, who just crushed my heart…the heart that was already in pieces. I feel myself trembling but I’m not because I’m looking at my chest and see I’m not shaking. I fight images of her with a man I’ve never seen before, him making love to her, him rubbing her belly, him holding a baby that was supposed to be mine.

  “I told you before that he’s going to ask me to marry him, especially now. I’m going to say yes.” I hear her but I don’t, because what she’s saying can’t be real. This can’t be fucking happening. But it all makes sense now. Why we’re meeting her at a place she doesn’t live, why her brothers are outside. She knows that what she just said is going to destroy me and she’s sitting there, her eyes downcast like I’m a fucking stranger, like what she’s said isn’t a bomb that’s going to obliterate my life.

  “So you see, there can’t be a you and me…or Alana. I’m having this baby, and I’m going to have a life, and where Alana fits into it I don’t know yet, but there’s not room for anyone else. I’m so sorry.” Her voice is sorrowful but strong, determined. I can’t see if there’s tears in her eyes because mine are blurring my vision too much. I hear her chair move back and her footsteps leave the room. I feel Blue’s hand on my shoulder.

  “Ian…” he says so quietly but I can’t look at him. I can’t let him see the hurt, disappointment, what’s broke inside of me. He’ll see it but I don’t want anyone to see it now. I want to hold on to it, because even though it hurts it connects me to her, to us, and that’s all I have left. What I thought would be a new beginning is the end, and the hope I had inside of me is dead.

  “We should get out of here,” Blue says. I hear him standing, but I don’t respond. My gaze is still on my lap.

  “I’m going to go get the car so you can come straight out when I pull around okay?” I nod the slightest bit and he heads out. When he’s gone I force my head up and push myself out of my seat. I look around the apartment but I already know she’s gone. I can feel it. When I make it to the entrance I see it’s just Cal standing by the door. I swear if he says the wrong thing I’m going to break his face, I don’t give a shit about jail. Nothing matters now. But he only opens the door for me to leave.

  “I-I’m sorry Ian,” is all I hear before the door closes behind me. The fact that he truly sounds sorry makes me want to die.

  Blue has pulled up in front of the apartment building. I make my way down the stairs and pour myself into the seat of his car. We don’t say anything on the short ride home. Thankfully he doesn’t try to talk to me, and I welcome the silence once we’re in the apartment. I sit on the couch and he turns on a basketball game and we watch it in silence. He hands me the bottle of whiskey but I just nudge it away. I don’t need to feel numb. I don’t feel anything, and I doubt I ever will again. I’m dead.

  Megan

  I knew it would be difficult to tell Ian that it was over, but it was still something I looked forward to. I just wanted to get the weight off of me, to not have my chest tight with anxiety, to not have to keep carrying the burden of a man clinging to a ghost inside of my head. I wanted—needed—a clean start with Kam before telling him about the baby, and I couldn’t do that until I made it clear to Ian to not let Alana keep his heart captive anymore. I won’t have him held hostage to some vision of a future that will never happen, that can’t happen. I wanted to do it on my own but I wasn’t sure how Ian would react; if he’d be angry, combative, if he wouldn’t accept things and continue to try to convince me that we could work. Now more than ever I have to be careful because I’m not just thinking for me anymore.

  So I had him bring Blue and I asked Dexter and Cal if they were free to be with me when I talked to him. I would have just asked Cal but I didn’t know if it would take them both since Blue would be with Ian. I didn’t expect things to come to blows but I didn’t know what would be needed, what I’d need, and they both said yes. I felt good about it the entire day, reminding myself that it was the right thing to do. I realized that it would hurt him, that he would be angry or sad, but that it’d be for his own good. It would be good for all of us. I built up my courage, pulling it from deep down within me. I didn’t think I had it and can only contribute what I found to the baby.

  I was confident and content that I was doing the right thing even on the ride over. Cal picked me up and Dexter was there waiting for us. Cal was quiet in the car. I felt bad about how short I was with him at the hospital the other day. I’m learning that I don’t think my brother’s feelings are easily hurt because even though we didn’t talk much about anything, other than small talk about Lauren and her pregnancy progressing, he didn’t bring up mine. He offered steadiness, a cool calm that I really needed. Neither asked questions about why I needed them there but I think they knew. Maybe it’s a sibling connection or just them being there for their little sister. I’m not sure what it was but I appreciated it. Everything felt right, that I was on the precipice of doing something positive. I was at peace right until Ian sat down in front of me.

  Seeing Ian in person is indescribable. It’s easy to downplay what is between us when reminiscing about it, reflecting on it. But when he’s in the room, when his eyes lock on mine, it’s an unbreakable connection. However, I reminded myself that now there was something in between that, growing inside of me, and that it would make my connection with Kam just as strong. What we have is already beyond solid but our baby has made it indestructible.

  Sitting across from Blue, my best friend, and Ian—the man a part of myself loves more than anyone—and knowing what I was about to do broke my heart. It took everything in me to not tremble, to try to remain calm, levelheaded, and reasonable. I was pushed on by the fact that even with him there, with me about to tell him what would end them…us, Alana had not said a word. No whispers or roars. She was quiet, which let me know it was the right thing to do, that my theory could be right in that the baby has scared her away and given me a strength that’s made her unneeded.

  I realized the moment Ian spoke that I was going to have to be quick because I could feel my emotions threatening to pour out and over, my stress about the situation coming to the surface. I’ve only ever equated that with Alana, but what I didn’t expect when I spoke the words that would end it all was that they would cause his brilliant eyes to light up. The weight of the world seemed to fall from his shoulders and he looked like the happiest man alive.

  For a second it was contagious; if I hadn’t come to my senses I would have acted on the urge to stand up and hug him. With horror, I grasped the enormity of his reaction. He wasn’t understanding. He’d misconstrued what I said and that hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. I realized the fallout would be so much worse than I thought. When I told him my baby is Kam’s I could see the light leave his eyes. I witnessed r
ight in front of me something in him break. I steeled myself for anger, for arguing, for shouting, but none of it came. Instead, I watched the joy that exploded inside him become extinguished like a butterfly someone stepped on. As I watched him I had to fight against the impulse to comfort him, to tell him everything would work out and that he’d be okay, that he’d find someone to make him happy. For a moment I felt something, her maybe, begin to stir within me, but I fought it by keeping images of my baby, labor, being a mother, and holding my newborn in my arms in the forefront of my mind. And I won.

  For the moment, at least. I wasn’t able to tell him that he would be fine, better without me. I only trusted myself enough to tell him I was sorry, then leave. I was being suffocated by guilt. I ran away so fast I almost knocked Dexter over. I told him through struggling breath I needed to get home, to leave, and without question Cal told him he’d handle things. I tried not to think of what that meant and allowed Dexter to whisk me down the stairs, his driver in front of the building before my foot hit the sidewalk.

  We didn’t go back to my house. I was a little paranoid that he’d go there and wait for me, but I know that was silly because I saw the fight he had go up in smoke before I left. We went to Dexter’s and Helen was waiting on me in her office, with warm chamomile tea. Before I took it in my hands I texted Kam to make sure he wasn’t at the apartment just in case Ian went there. Once he confirmed he wasn’t I let out a deep breath and to my embarrassment broke down in front of Dr. Lyce, body-shaking sobs rocking me. Before I knew it I could feel Dr. Lyce’s arms around me and I took comfort in them. After I finally caught my breath she asked if I was ready to talk, and I am now.

  I have to talk and get it out of me, the confession of a heartbreaking sinner. We move in front of the large fireplace where two luxurious arm chairs are. It is warm and cozy and almost melts away my stress. She pours me another cup of tea, since the one I had went cold after my breakdown, and I take a small sip, wiping my last tear away.

  “What happened Megan?” she asks, her voice soft and neutral. So I tell her—about my theory of Alana being terrified of motherhood, how I told Kam about Ian, and that I let Ian know I was pregnant. I don’t tell her about the ring or me telling Ian I’m marrying Kam because Dr. Lyce has made her thoughts clear on big life changes triggering Alana. I’d rather do it with support, with Kam by my side.

  “How do you feel now that everything has been laid out in the open?” she asks. I stop and think of how I feel now, and there’s so many emotions going on inside of me I take probably a full minute before I respond.

  “I feel like it needed to be done. I’m happy because there’s nothing else standing in the way of Kam and me. I feel like I’m at the start of something wonderful but, knowing what Ian is going through…” I trail off, tears beginning to choke my throat again.

  “The feeling is devastating,” I tell her, letting the tears fall from my eyes and promptly wiping them with a Kleenex.

  “And why do you feel devastated Megan?” she asks.

  I’m confused. “I thought it was obvious. He’s devastated.”

  “But why are you devastated?” she asks again, and I think about it.

  “Ian is a great guy. I hate that he’s hurting.”

  “Yes, I understand that, but devastated is a strong word, though your reaction is clear that it’s the correct one,” she says. I look at her, wondering what she’s getting at.

  “Empathy is a wonderful trait to have, but to feel devastated because of someone else’s pain indicates something a little more, don’t you think?”

  “I think I feel guilty,” I say, attempting to swallow back the tears coming again.

  “And what is it you feel guilty about?” she asks repetitiously. I start to say because I’m breaking his heart but then I realize that me feeling guilty about that shouldn’t equate to devastation. When I told him that I was going to be with Kam and I loved him, that technically was breaking his heart, but I didn’t feel like this.

  “What do you think?” I ask her, not in a condescending tone, but really wanting to know her answer. She smiles at me, and I know I’m not going to get one.

  “Is it possible that your feelings have grown towards him?”

  “I think maybe I’m hormonal.” I laugh, wanting to change the subject.

  “Maybe?” She offers a small smile.

  “I think I will feel better once I tell Kam about the baby. I’m feeling better already.” It’s part truth and part lie but from her expression it looks like Dr. Lyce knows this.

  “If circumstances were different, if you didn’t know you were pregnant, would you have still had the same conversation with Ian today? Excluding the obvious, of course.”

  “My choice of being with Kam has nothing to do with the baby. It would have been the same even if I wasn’t pregnant. I’m in love with him,” I tell her, feeling offended.

  “And Alana, how does she feel about Kam?” I look at her, perplexed.

  “I don’t know and I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. She’s gone and I hope she stays gone.” Dr. Lyce lets out a breath that’s almost undetectable, and it make me uncomfortable that she won’t consider my theory that Alana is gone, if not indefinitely, but that she’ll stay gone during my pregnancy at least.

  “Megan, it does matter, and it will, and I can’t express how important it is to try and connect with her now more than ever.”

  “I think the most important thing now is to focus on my child being born into a safe, healthy, loving environment,” I counter.

  “Of course. But to maintain that we need to make sure your mental health is a top priority,” she says, with a warm smile on her face. Her words are like ice to my veins.

  “You’re the one who told me to ask Ian to deny Alana if she comes back,” I remind her tightly, feeling my defenses rise.

  “Yes. However, circumstances have changed.”

  “What did you think would happen if I asked him that? In fact, the whole reason I was in the accident was because I asked him to do that and it caused my accident. Alana was furious,” I say, realization dawning on me. “Now that I think about it, following your advice has made things worse.” Her face is blank, not revealing any response to what I just said. She doesn’t look offended or even apprehensive.

  “And when you say worse, are you referring to Alana coming about?”

  I don’t answer at first, just stare at the embers in her fireplace.

  “You said she reacted really badly to the baby. I don’t want to risk her taking over and doing something stupid, irreparable.”

  “Like…” she asks. I roll my eyes, annoyed.

  “I don’t know, but if she doesn’t want this baby…” I can’t even continue without my voice breaking.

  “Alana didn’t say that, Megan,” Helen says, her voice even.

  “But she freaked out right?”

  “It was an overwhelming situation for her I believe, like it would be for most women who didn’t plan on pregnancy,” she admits.

  “I’m so afraid of her ruining everything—my life, my relationship, and now what’s going to be my family.”

  “Are you willing to undergo hypnosis in hopes that I can speak with her again?” she asks, and I glare at her. Is she for real?

  “I don’t want her to come out now! There’s too much at stake. I’d rather continue working on the coping strategies to prevent her from coming back.”

  “But the end goal, Megan, would be…”

  “I don’t care what the end goal is right now. I’m concerned about the next nine or however many months,” I say firmly.

  “Megan I promise you that I will do whatever I can to make sure you have a happy and healthy pregnancy so that your little one will arrive safe.”

  I smile. That’s all I want. It’s what’s most important right now, more than anything. I rub my belly and imagine the little bean inside.

  10

  Kam

  Today Megan comes home. Well, not
home because this apartment won’t be our home. It’s the building her younger brother owns, but I don’t like her feeling beholden to anyone and she doesn’t have to. Alana may not have had anyone in her corner that really supported her but I’m here for Megan, and once she becomes my wife my family will be here for her too. Still, I’ve cleaned the apartment, stocked it with groceries, and even bought her favorite candles she likes. I want her to be as comfortable as possible, and for her mental stress to be as minimal as I can make it. When we talked about everything, it took all I had to not be visibly upset or angry when I found out she knew about Ian and didn’t tell me, and that she’s had all these secrets with Blue. But she’s promised me all of that is over. It’s me and her now against the world.

  My phone rings and I glance at it thinking it’s Megan ready for me to pick her up, but instead it’s my father. He’s called daily wanting to talk about Megan but I’m not up to speaking with him yet. I want to be in a more solid place with Megan before I do. Once she’s home and things feel right, and she lets me know that she’s cut off contact with this Ian guy, then I’ll talk to my dad. She’s doing that today, it’s why I’ve been keeping myself as busy as I can trying to keep my mind off of her dealing with everything alone.

  I wanted to do it with her, but she said it’s something she had to do without me, that she didn’t want to rub us in the guy’s face and prevent things from escalating. I don’t know anything about this guy and that’s another thing I haven’t been able to stop thinking about—who he is, what real history him and this Alana had. It shouldn’t matter because I know what they had doesn’t compare to what Megan and I have, but I’m only human.

  It’s probably better that I don’t know more about the guy. I’ve tried to convince myself he’s unimportant, that he’s a part of a past that isn’t even hers, a life she doesn’t even want. Megan’s nice and is always taking into consideration this dude’s feelings because she’s always thinking of others before herself. She’s too kind and sweet sometimes, and that’s where I’ll come in once she says yes to me. I won’t let anyone boss her around or treat her any less than she deserves.