Us: A If I Break (Her) Story

by Portia Moore

  If it’s not Kam’s baby, it’s not your baby. That’s what you said, right?

  The voice comes screeching through my head again, ripping into my thoughts, and I shudder, covering my face with my hands to try and block it out.

  “Megan, if you know then Alana knows,” Helen says calmly, almost soothingly, trying to break through the fog that surrounds me. “There isn’t any way to hide things from her. She’s a part of you. You’re a part of each other.” She pauses for a moment, and when I drop my hands and look at her, she continues in that same cool, even voice that she always uses, as if my world isn’t crumbling around me. “You need to introduce Alana to Kam,” she says gently. “You need to begin building a bridge because there isn’t any magical way to keep Alana from coming back. And I don’t want to be harsh or scare you, Megan, but continuing to pretend like there is, that’s both ignorant and dangerous.”

  I flinch as if she’s struck me, but she continues speaking. “We don’t have the luxury of easing into this anymore, Megan,” she says, her voice firm now. “We need to begin working on this now.”

  “I’m afraid,” I whisper, my hands shaking as I knot them together in my lap. “I’m afraid that Alana is stronger than I am.”

  Helen lets out a slow breath, and I can tell that despite her professional calm, she’s beginning to feel frustrated. And if she’s frustrated with me, how does Kam probably feel? I look into Helen’s calm eyes. “Megan,” she tries again, gently but firmly, “you are Alana.”

  “No,” I say frantically, trying to get her to understand. “You don’t get it. Cal is the alter! He’s the one who is mainly around, the only one I’ve ever met, the one with the wife and the children and the family! What if Alana takes over like that, what if she ruins my life? Kam isn’t in love with Alana, she’s nothing like what he wants, and if she takes over, she’ll destroy everything. She’s not going to be reasonable. She’ll do everything she can to keep me away.” I’m shaking and crying again, overcome with fear and panic.

  “All of this can be worked out,” Helen says.

  “You can’t promise me that it will work out!”

  “What I can promise you is that I’ll do everything possible to make sure that it does.”

  I sink back into the couch. “Fine,” I whisper, feeling defeated. “I’ll do the hypnosis, and I’ll tell Kam about Ian and Alana. But,” I say sharply, sitting back up as an idea comes into my head, “not until after I have dinner with Kam’s parents.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Megan,” Helen cautions me. “Being in stressful situations, as we’ve discussed before, is a terrible idea for you.”

  “It’ll remind me of what I’m fighting for,” I insist. “Kam, and our baby, and our family. That’ll be what’s in my head before I go under. And if things go wrong…” My chin quivers, and I bite my lip hard. “I want to remember what it all could have been like if…if it had gone right.”

  “You’re only fighting against yourself,” Helen says, shaking her head. “You and Alana are one and the same. This internal battle is what’s making this harder for you.”

  “I can’t go the entire pregnancy without knowing who my child’s father is,” I tell her, trying to pull my emotions back under control. “If I knew for sure it was Kam’s, we wouldn’t have to do any of this,” I say eagerly. “Isn’t there some kind of paternity test that we can do while I’m still pregnant?”

  Helen hesitates. “That’s not my area of expertise,” she says carefully. “But I believe there is a non-invasive test that would be able to tell you if Kameron is indeed the father. If it will put you at ease,” she adds with a little sigh, “then I’ll schedule you for one.”

  “I can’t do the test with Kam!” I say, alarmed. “I know, regardless of what it says, that it’ll hurt him too much, to know that I needed to find out for sure…we’d never be the same after that.”

  “It’s impossible to do it without the father, Megan,” Helen says patiently.

  I don’t need the actual father. I just need to rule out one of them.

  Ian.

  I feel awful for thinking it, but if Ian is the one who does the test, Kam won’t ever have to be hurt. Ian is going to be hurt either way, whether it’s Kam’s baby or not.

  Ian is stronger. And I’m not prepared to sacrifice what precious little I have in order to protect Ian’s feelings.

  You evil fucking bitch!

  The thought slices through me like a knife, sending a chill down my spine so sharply that it feels as if the room has dropped by ten degrees.

  “Do you really think that’s best?” Helen asks. “Kameron has asked you for honesty.”

  “I won’t hurt Kam again if I don’t have to,” I say firmly, gathering all my nerve despite how shaken I am from the sudden, sharp intrusion of Alana into my thoughts. And I know it was her.

  “If you schedule the test,” I say, squaring my shoulders and sitting up straighter, determined, “I’ll make sure Ian is there to take it. And if…if it is Ian’s, then I’ll do everything you ask regarding Alana. I’ll do the hypnosis and I’ll tell Kam about it with you here, but…” I take a deep, shaky breath. “If it’s Kam’s then we can go more slowly. I know Alana will stay away then, I can feel it.” I can hear the desperation edging into my tone, but I ignore it.

  “Megan, I still want to caution you…”

  “I have to try to make things right for Kam and for me,” I say, swallowing hard. “I have to know for sure before I risk everything.”

  Helen lets out another sigh, and I can hear the disappointment coloring it, but she stands up. “Just let me make a call,” she says, and steps into the bedroom.

  This could destroy Ian.

  Don’t drag him into this. We’ve hurt him enough! What the fuck is wrong with you!

  When Helen comes back out, her face is carefully neutral. “The test is scheduled,” she says. “They can get you in the day after tomorrow. But I want you to be aware that the results can take a week. So keep that in mind.”

  And just like that, I have a new thread of hope to cling to. All I have to do is get Ian on board, and I know deep down that this is a fragile line that I’m walking, that it could go very badly if I’m not careful. But it’s my only chance at happiness, my only shot at salvaging what I have. The thought of Kam’s face if I’m forced to admit to him that I left him to have sex with Ian, whether or not Alana was the one in control, is enough to set me firmly on my course. Even if the baby is his in the end, I know he’ll never be able to get the image of me in bed with Ian the same night that Kam came to Chicago to be with me, too passionate and out of control to use protection, out of his head. It will tarnish our relationship no matter what.

  “I think that I should go with you when you go to explain this to Ian,” Helen suggests, and I’m quick to agree.

  “I think that’s a good idea,” I tell her, relieved to not have to go alone, and Helen looks equally relieved that I’ve listened to at least one piece of her advice today.

  There’s a knock on the door and soon Kam comes in, a plastic bag from the convenience store in hand. Helen stands to leave, and just that small shred of hope is enough to calm me so that I can act naturally again, giving Kam a genuine smile as he sets the bag on the counter and looks at us both.

  “Thanks for coming,” I tell Helen. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Of course,” Helen says, her voice back to giving away nothing. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Megan.”

  “How are you?” Kam asks once Helen is gone. “You look better.”

  “I’m much better,” I tell him, crossing the room to wrap my arms around his waist. “I was just overwhelmed at the appointment, that’s all.”

  “Are you unhappy?” Kam asks. I hate that I’ve made him think it’s him. It’s never been him. It’s me, it’s her. I look up at him, his forehead creasing, and I shake my head quickly.

  “No, of course I’m happy!” I reassure him. “It was just scary fo
r a minute, that’s all. It’s all new, and I just was scared. It’s better now.”

  “What about Alana?” he asks cautiously. “What about you hearing her, and what happens if she comes back?”

  “Helen said it’s nothing to worry about,” I assure him breezily. Before he can respond, I go up on my tiptoes, kissing him as I thread my fingers through his hair, and I feel Kam give in for a second, returning the kiss before pulling back and looking at me with concern still in his eyes.

  “I’m really excited about dinner with your parents,” I tell him, trying to change the subject, but it’s clear that he isn’t going to let me off so easily.

  “Are you really okay?” he asks hesitantly. “If you’re not, we can reschedule…”

  “I definitely don’t want to do that,” I tell him firmly. “I’m really okay, I promise. Come on, I want to go get a nice dessert to take with us for dinner tonight. I’m sure your mom will appreciate that.”

  Kam smiles at me, reaching for his keys, but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. I’m not at all sure that he’s buying what I’m selling, but I make up my mind to keep going anyway because I don’t see any other path. Not one that doesn’t end in heartache for us both.

  And for now, at least, he’s playing along.

  14

  Kam

  Something isn’t right.

  I’m not entirely sure what it is or what’s going on, but I’m not stupid.

  At the appointment, everything was fine—better than fine, even. I could never have expected how I would feel hearing my child’s heartbeat for the first time, but it’s changed everything. I’ve always wanted to protect Megan, to keep her safe and give her the life that she never thought she’d have, but it’s not just about that anymore. Now it’s about protecting the child that she’s carrying too, our child, my child. This is our family, our future, and I’m not about to let anyone get in the way of that. Not even the other half of the woman I love.

  When Megan said she’d started hearing Alana’s voice again, it frightened me more than I can remember ever having been before. I’ve never met or even seen Alana, she’s just a name and a file to me, a list of petty crimes and a personality that I’d avoid if I ever came across it. I’ve tried to prepare myself for the possibility of seeing her, but how do you prepare for seeing someone else’s attitude and personality reflected in the face of the woman you love?

  The answer is you don’t…there’s no way to prepare for something like that. And the moment that I found out Megan and I were having a baby, all of my feelings about it changed. At one point, I’d simply hoped for the best with Alana, to be able to coexist with her if she appeared and placate her enough that she’d give me back Megan sooner rather than later. I never expected to love or want her or even like her, but I considered her a necessary evil.

  Now I want to keep her away through any means possible, whatever it takes. She’s an unknown, possibly a threat to the baby, and I don’t know how I’m going to fix the situation, but I’m determined to do whatever I have to in order to protect my family—the love of my life, my baby, my seed growing inside of her.

  I considered canceling the dinner with my parents tonight. In fact, I thought it would probably be for the best, but Megan won’t hear of it. She’s bubbling with excitement now, at least some of which I can tell is forced, but she insists that she’s excited and wants to go. I can’t deny that her attitude changed after she talked with Helen. She’s back to her usual cheerful, pleasant self, and I want to believe that it’s real, that she just needed reassurance from a professional and now all is well.

  So I play along, hoping that my misgivings are just my own anxieties coming to the forefront and don’t mean anything. As we drive to my parents’ house, I try to distract Megan from thoughts of Alana, encouraging her to talk about the baby instead. “What about names?” I ask her, glancing over. “We should come up with one for a boy and one for a girl, just in case.”

  She smiles at me, reaching over to thread her fingers through mine, holding my hand. “What are yours?” she asks curiously. “I’m still thinking about mine.”

  “Maybe Kevin for a boy?” I suggest. “Or Melody for a girl? You know, using our first initials.”

  Megan laughs, but I hear a small tremor of nervousness in it, and I know she’s thinking of Alana. “I like Alison,” she says, her voice quiet, and to my relief, the turn to my parents’ house is coming up before the conversation can go any further.

  My parents are thrilled to see us. My mother gives me a huge hug, and my father claps me on the shoulder. Katy’s hanging in the background but looks equally happy that I’m there.

  “Megan!” my mother exclaims as she walks up behind me, giving her a hug to match the one that she gave me, and my father greets her happily as well. It’s clear that they’re welcoming her with open arms and hiding any displeasure they might have over us getting married, which takes away some of the tension I’ve been feeling. I asked them to give Megan a chance and respect my decision, and it’s clear that they’re doing that. I’m grateful all over again for the family that I have.

  It’s the kind of family I plan to have with Megan. And I don’t intend to let anyone get in the way of that.

  The house manager and cook have collaborated to make an extravagant dinner for the family, with squash soup and salad to start, and a lamb roast with mint jelly, roasted vegetables on the side, and mashed potatoes with goat cheese and garlic. When we sit down to dinner, my father is immediately attentive to Megan, asking her how she is and how she’s feeling.

  “I’m well,” she says carefully, and I can tell that she’s trying to be poised, to fit in with my family. I want her to be comfortable with them, but I know that she hasn’t seen them since everything came to light, since the outburst at the charity gala, and it will take time. “I just…” She starts and takes in a small breath.

  “I wanted to say, I’m sorry about everything that happened,” she says quietly to him. “I love Kam so much. I would never do anything to hurt him. I really appreciate you accepting me into your family again, and I hope I can eventually be the woman that your son deserves.”

  If there were any reservations, I can see them swept away by Megan’s small speech and heartfelt apology. “You’re more than welcome in our family,” Dad says firmly, and Mom nods her assent. Even though I can still see some coldness in Katy, she agrees as well, her smile telling me that she’s on her way to forgiving Megan as well.

  “I’m so glad you’re a part of the family,” Mom says warmly. When Megan looks over at me with a hesitant but happy smile, I feel as if it’s the right time to let everyone know, at this moment, when we’re all together and warm and full of joy.

  “I think I should let you all know…we want to let you all know,” I begin, reaching for Megan’s hand and looking around the table, “that we have some good news to share.” I feel Megan’s hand tighten around mine, but I don’t look over at her. I’m too caught up in the moment to wonder if it’s anything but shared excitement. “Megan is pregnant. We’re having a baby!”

  There’s a brief, shocked silence, and then my mother gasps aloud, her hand covering her mouth as her eyes shine with happiness, and even Katy grins.

  “We’ve got to plan a shower! Of course, we’ll have it here, we’ll throw you a huge party, and are you doing a gender reveal? How far along are you?” My mother shakes her head with excitement, laying down her napkin and waving to Megan and Katy to get up. “Come on girls, let’s leave the boys alone, and we’ll go talk. I want to hear everything!”

  Katy looks amused at our mother’s reaction, but she goes along, following Megan and my mother out and leaving me sitting at the table with my father. “Congratulations, Son,” Dad says, standing as well and giving me a firm handshake. “Come on, have a cigar with me.”

  We go into the study and he closes the door behind him, pouring a splash of scotch into two glasses and handing me one, along with a cigar. He settles into his chai
r and looks sternly at me as I sit down across from him, cutting and lighting my own cigar when he’s finished with his.

  “Megan being pregnant changes everything,” he says firmly, and I nod.

  “I agree,” I tell him. “It’s only solidified my determination to be with her and keep my family safe.” I lean forward, looking at him intently. “I need to make sure that Megan and my baby are protected.”

  “Of course. That’s your job,” Dad agrees, and I sit back.

  “So, on account of that,” I say, narrowing my eyes, “I need everything that you can find out about Alana, and everything you can dig up on Ian Hudson.”

  My father takes a deep drag of his cigar, considering the whiskey in his glass for a moment. “You’ll have everything that there is out there on both of them by tomorrow night.” He looks up then, meeting my eyes. “You have my word.”

  Megan

  Relief washes over me as I sit down in the family room with Carolyn and Katy. My heart was racing from the minute we pulled into the driveway, but after I got up the nerve to speak up and apologize, I felt better, and I could feel the change in Kam’s parents, how much they relaxed after I said my piece. Things feel like they were before everything happened, like Kam’s family is accepting of me, happy to have me here, and even though I didn’t expect Kam to announce my pregnancy, I’m glad that I didn’t see despair or disappointment in anyone’s face.

  Carolyn has dragged out a picture book full of Kam and Katy’s baby pictures, and she starts flipping through it, showing them to me as I look over her shoulder. Katy looks mildly disinterested by the whole thing, but I think it’s adorable. I feel whatever tension might be left between Carolyn and I dissolve as she points out picture after picture, and I laugh along with her. “How was your first appointment?” Carolyn asks, looking over at me, and I smile.