by Ava Conway
Fear stabbed my chest. He was there on the first day? That must be how he learned my name. How did I not see him? He was like a beacon of light in this dark and dreary place. Then again, I had been rather self-absorbed as of late.
“It’s okay. I understand. This place isn’t exactly best for meaningful conversation, anyway.” Jayden made a clicking noise with his mouth. Spirit rushed over and put her paws in his lap. Jayden murmured affectionate phrases as he scratched the dog behind the ears.
With his attention switched to the dog, some of the tension in my chest eased. No, I didn’t talk. I hardly strung more than three words together since the day my parents found me full of Vicodin at the bottom of their pool. The only exception was my conversation with Mia last night, and that was because she had caught me off guard.
My silence had started out as a rebellion to my parents’ refusal to acknowledge my problem. Now silence just felt comfortable, like a well-loved pair of slippers.
What was the point of talking, really? No one understood me. No one even tried anymore.
“She’s just a pup and still full of energy. I’ve been working with her for a few days now and was hoping to show her to you yesterday, before…” Jayden’s stilled his tapered fingers in the golden fur. “Well, you know.”
Yeah, before the session was disrupted and Jayden swooped me out of harm’s way like some savior sent to me from above. Well played, Mother. She had managed to choose someone both handsome and caring, two of my biggest weaknesses. How much were my parents paying him to watch over me? Did he have any idea that, like me, he was being manipulated?
Knowing my parents had Jayden under their thumb made me feel connected to him. We were both pawns in their political games. Disposable, and often sacrificed for the greater good. What a terrible thing to have in common.
A fluttering rippled through my lower abdomen as he resumed petting the mutt. I imagined those fingers dancing lightly over my arms, my sides, my legs…
Good Lord, what was wrong with me? I wasn’t the type who did stuff like that anymore. I wasn’t allowed to have such feelings. I didn’t deserve them.
The dog tried to lick his face, which only made Jayden chuckle and scratch more. They looked so happy together, as though they were made for each other. Then again, I suspected that anyone would feel comfortable around a man like him. He had this kind of presence about him hinting that he’d be easy to talk to. He also had this confidence, as if he could take on the world with one arm tied behind his back and win. His energy fascinated me. How could he be so damn cheerful with so much despair around him?
Spirit, wanting more attention, placed a paw on my foot.
“Go on, pet her.” He leaned in close until his lips hovered just above my ear. “You’ll score points with the staff.”
I blinked at Jayden then turned to the dog. Oh, what the hell. Despite what Dr. Polanski thought, petting a dog wasn’t going to give me some deep insight into my character or break down my walls. The dog was just that, a dog. One scratch behind the ear, and my part in the therapy session would be over with. I might even gain enough points for a trip to the visitor’s café downstairs where I could buy a decent cup of coffee, not the watered-down stuff served during mealtimes.
Slowly I reached out and ran my fingers through the dog’s fur. It felt smooth and silky to the touch, not like the ratty old animals my parents often defended in Washington. Whoever owned this dog took great care of her.
Spirit nuzzled my leg, begging for more attention. I gave it to her, and for a moment, the world around me began to fade away. I’d loved animals once. Sometimes I felt as if I related to them better than humans. What would it feel like to be this dog—so innocent and unaware of the horrors in this world? Unaware of your own shortcomings?
“I think she likes you.”
I looked up from the animal and met Jayden’s gaze. His eyes sparkled as his lips turned into a half-smile. I was surprised to discover that I was smiling, too.
“I like you, too.” His grin was warm and inviting. It tugged at my chest and unraveled the last of the tightness. The man was like a ray of sunshine—better than most healthy people I knew. How the hell did he end up here? Did he have a passion for helping the depressed or something?
He glanced over his shoulder at the gathering crowd. “You know what else I like?”
I shook my head. Something fluttered in my stomach as he leaned forward until his lips hovered inches above my ear.
“I like it when you let your guard down and just be yourself,” he whispered.
The fluttering in my stomach intensified. He leaned back and studied my face until my cheeks started to heat. “You’re so lovely, Lucy. It’s such a shame that you feel you need to sit in the corner.”
“I like the corner.” The words came out before I could stop them. I couldn’t seem to break free from this man’s spell. The blue in his eyes called to me, just as the pool water had called to me that day I took the Vicodin. The difference was that while Jayden’s eyes held the color of life, the pool offered the numbness of death.
His smile widened. “You’d like it better if you sat in the group, I bet. You shouldn’t feel like you’re alone here.” He reached out and pushed a stray hair from my face. I held my breath as his eyes darkened and his hand hovered over my skin. He shifted his gaze to my mouth.
My heartbeat quickened. Normally I shied away from all physical contact, but with Jayden it was different. I wanted him to touch me. If a little bit of his color, his life, could transfer from his skin to mine, then perhaps it could slip inside my body and fill the hollowness inside my chest.
He leaned in closer, and I closed my eyes as anticipation rippled over my skin.
“Mr. McCray.”
Jayden jerked away, and the emptiness inside of me grew. Dr. Polanski stood in front of us with her hands on her hips.
Jayden cleared his throat and grinned at the doctor. “Hey, beautiful.”
Beautiful? But…wasn’t that what he called me earlier—beautiful?
Dr. Polanski crossed her arms and frowned. “I’ve told you to use my name.”
“I only speak the truth.”
“Such a charmer.” She chuckled to herself and shook her head. “Nesto has been asking for you.”
Jayden grin faltered. He raised his brows. “Really?”
She nodded. “Go get Elias. He’ll take you back to your room. I’ll be there in a few minutes with your medication and then we can go to see him together.” She glanced at me. “I need to speak with Lucy first.”
Jayden turned to me and hesitated. I could tell from his expression that he had just remembered his promise to spend more time with me this afternoon. “There’s a ping-pong tournament after dinner. I’ll meet you there, okay?”
I nodded because there was nothing else I could do. Something about the doctor’s gaze made me nervous. I felt as if my world had started spinning out of control. A tightness enveloped my chest as I watched Jayden leave the room.
Dr. Polanski dropped into the seat next to me and studied my face. “Jayden hasn’t made any sexual advances toward you, has he?”
That was a little personal, wasn’t it? I cautiously shook my head. Even if something had happened between us, I wouldn’t dream of getting him in trouble with the doctor.
“Good.” She patted my leg. “I know that you’re still new to all of this, but Jayden knows we have a strict policy against dating while in the ward. It’s just too emotional for most patients to handle.”
I cleared my throat as an uneasy feeling settled in my chest. “Is Jayden going to be okay? I heard Nesto can be dangerous.”
My question had caught her off guard. She was probably surprised that I had strung so many words together. She studied me for a moment before speaking. “He’ll be fine, I’m sure. Nesto gets troubled sometimes, and when he gets like that, he’ll only listen to Jayden and Flynn. Sometimes we use them to help in his recovery.”
“Why?” Normally I
wasn’t so bold, but anything concerning Jayden interested me.
The doctor’s features softened. “All three of them arrived here about a year ago.” The doctor turned toward the door where Jayden just left. “They came from a separate hospital where budget cuts forced their treatment program to be cut.” Dr. Polanski sighed. “All three were quite a mess when they came in. We almost lost Jayden that first day.”
“Lost him?” My lungs constricted more as one thought kept echoing in my brain. He was a mental patient, not a volunteer. Then why was he wearing the Howlistic Healer shirt? What was wrong with him? I thought back to the outburst between Nesto and Flynn yesterday. If they were all friends, it was reasonable to believe that Jayden made spectacles such as that, too. He’s sick, like me. How deep did his illness run? How could I miss something so big?
The doctor smiled. “I can’t talk about the specifics of his case with you, of course.”
Of course. I looked down at my hands in my lap as my heart thudded against my chest. But he seemed so normal. It was hard to think when every breath was a struggle. I tried to calm myself, but it was difficult.
“All I can say is that you should be careful around someone like Jayden. He’s charming and protective and that can be comforting when you are adjusting to new surroundings.” The doctor stood. “Just remember, every patient here is working through some sort of issue and is fragile. That includes you.”
My mouth ran dry as the ache in my chest intensified. Was this really what it sounded like? Was the doctor giving me a warning?
“Romantic relationships could hinder your treatment and prevent you from getting well. It’s much better to focus on your own recovery first.” She gathered her clipboard. “If I see you two together like that again, I’ll have no choice but to start taking privileges away.”
My temples began to throb and my breath came out in short gasps. My mom was using mental patients to spy on me. Not just any mental patients, but gorgeous mental patients who made me feel special. But I wasn’t really special to Jayden, was I? After all, he just called the doctor beautiful. He probably called the dog that, too.
Why was it so hard to breathe?
“It’s for your own good, you understand of course—Lucy?” The doctor frowned. “Lucy, look at me.”
I raised my gaze and saw the worry in the doctor’s eyes.
“We have a situation.” Dr. Polanski turned toward the small group of staff members, gossiping in the corner. “I need some Lorazepam. Stat.”
My chest tightened some more. Oh God, what was happening? I stared at the flurry of activity around me, unable to move. Why did my chest hurt so much? Why was it difficult to breathe? I gasped in large gulps of air but couldn’t fill my lungs. It felt like my heart was going a mile a minute.
Suddenly Dr. Polanski knelt in front of me and took my hand. “It’s okay honey. Here.” She pressed a little blue pill in my hand. “Put this under your tongue. It will help ease the pain.”
I did what I was told. The doctor smiled and rubbed my knee. “Good. That’s it. Now count with me to ten. One…”
I focused on the doctor and counted. By the time I got to five, the tightness in my chest began to ease. By seven, my breathing started to even out. By ten, I started to relax. The pain was still there, but at least I could function.
“Good. That’s it.” The doctor stood and mumbled something to one of the staff. “One of the staff members is going to take you back to your room now. I want you to get some rest. You’ve had a busy day. We can talk about this more in your one-on-one session tomorrow morning, okay?”
I didn’t want to go to any more therapy sessions, nor did I want to see anyone in this damn hospital ever again. Instead, I wanted to curl up in a ball and sink into the deep, hollow hole in my chest.
Suddenly I felt very drained. A male nurse took my arm and helped me to stand. Every step I took closer to my room left me feeling more tired and confused. After the door closed, I crawled up onto the bed and closed my eyes. The pill’s mind-numbing fog had already begun to fill my head. I went over the afternoon’s activities with a sense of detachment, as if I was a scientist observing bugs under a microscope.
Jayden couldn’t be all bad, could he? After all, he had made me feel something other than grief and pain. That was a rare treasure.
I replayed my interactions with Jayden over and over in my mind, but all I kept coming back to was how close he had held me the day before, as if he had needed me as much as I needed him.
Everything was so confusing.
Somehow, I had crossed the line with Dr. Polanski today and didn’t even know it. After what had happened at the Rec Therapy session yesterday, I knew it was probably wise to take Jayden up on his offer to show me how things worked around this place. It was true that he was most likely working for my parents, but I also knew I didn’t want to end up in the Confinement Ward like Nesto. It sounded terrible. No, I’d meet Jayden and let him show me how things worked at the hospital. Then I’d have to break off our friendship. I had to do it for my own sanity. I couldn’t keep questioning every word, every touch, wondering if he did things because he wanted to or because he was directed by my mother.
Resolved, I let my thoughts drift and the medication take control. It was another hour until dinner, then another forty-five minutes until the ping-pong tournament. Hopefully by then, I’ll have my wits about me enough to learn how to cope in this place. It was so different from my former life. Could I possibly adjust to all of the chaos and rules? I thought of how the hospital staff had treated Flynn and Nesto and knew that I had no choice but to try to adapt to my new life.
Chapter Four
I was late to the tournament.
I meant to be on time, but after dinner, Elias stopped me in the hall to let me know that I’d be getting a new roommate tomorrow. I wasn’t sure how to take this new information. I had sort of gotten used to the silence and had never shared a room before. Would my new roommate be suicidal, like me? Or something else? Would she be friendly or aggressive like Nesto?
I was a little distracted when I walked into the common room, so it took me a few minutes to realize that there were a lot of people at the tournament.
A large ping-pong table sat off to one side of the common area, away from all of the chairs. About twenty people stood around the table, whooping and shouting. I immediately scanned the crowd for Jayden, but couldn’t find him. Frowning, I made my way over and pressed through the sea of bodies. Where was he?
I eased to the front of the crowd. A tall auburn-haired man stood on one side of the ping-pong table with a determined look on his face. I recognized him immediately from Rec Therapy the other day. He held a paddle in one hand and a ball in the other while scowling at his opponent. “You may be in the lead, McCray, but you’ll never win.”
“You’re all talk, McKenna. Put your swing where your mouth is.” Jayden smirked and focused on the table. He swayed back and forth, as if ready for action.
Jayden was playing? He had made it seem as if he was only watching. I blinked at the pair as tension filled the room. Flynn paced back and forth on his side of the table, looking for a weakness in Jayden.
Good luck with that. Jayden was one hundred percent male perfection in his low-riding jeans, form-fitting T-shirt and shaggy mane. I caught a flash of his tattoo once more and imagined the intricate design under his shirt. Would I ever get to see the full tat? It would be such a shame if I was destined to only catch a glimpse.
Jayden shook his head back, flicking his hair from his face. Once again I saw the scar along his temple. What gave him that scar? Was it related to the tattoo? Was he part of some gang in his former life?
There were so many questions I didn’t have answers for. Not yet, anyway.
I leaned over to the patient next to me. “What’s the score?”
“Jayden is up by two. One more score would win the whole tournament.”
I glanced around the room at the curious onlookers.
They all seemed riveted to the game before them, everyone except one.
The same tall, burly man that had been watching me during Recreation Therapy was staring straight at me. God, I wish he wouldn’t do that. What the hell was he looking at? It was almost as if he was hungry and I was his favorite dessert.
As long as he just stared and didn’t approach me, I suppose there was nothing I could do. What could I tell Dr. Polanski—that one of the male patients liked to look at me? She’d laugh. Everyone in here was quirky. As long as he didn’t touch me, I suppose there was no harm in it. It was better to just ignore it.
I wrapped one arm around my belly and bit the nail of my opposite hand. Flynn raised his paddle in the air and got ready to serve. Jayden seemed relaxed, as if ready for anything.
Flynn served and I, like the rest of the audience, held my breath. The room was silent except for the knocking of the ball against the table. I counted the number of times Flynn and Jayden hit it back and forth. Three, four…twelve. Sweat beaded on Flynn’s brow. Jayden was concentrating but much calmer than his opponent. He kept his eyes fixed on the game, as if searching for an opening.
Within the next few seconds he found one. The ball hit the corner of the table, and Flynn had to move to one side to get it. When Jayden got it once more he hit a straight shot down the opposite edge of the table. Flynn dove for it, but couldn’t get it in time. The match was over.
The room erupted into cheers. Patients slapped Jayden on the back and engulfed him in bear hugs. He barely had enough time to shake Flynn’s hand before the big, burly patient lifted him up above the crowd and paraded him around like a trophy. Other patients followed, creating a sort of victory parade.
I couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief. At least that creepy patient wasn’t looking at me anymore.
As the crowd thinned around Flynn, I decided to approach him. He was Jayden’s friend, and therefore probably knew a lot of things about him that I didn’t. There was something about Jayden that drew me to him, but the fact that he was a patient made me nervous. What was wrong with him?
