by Ava Conway
“I told you—I don’t have the picture of your brother. I didn’t even know you had anything from your former life.”
“You or Flynn must have taken it. No one else would.”
“Flynn doesn’t have it, either. I don’t know where it could have gone.”
Nesto looked away. “Stop lying to me, man.”
“I’m not lying.”
“You don’t know what it’s like to have a younger sibling.”
“I do, actually.” Jayden pulled up his sleeve and showed Nesto his tattoo. “Remember?”
Nesto tried to touch the tat, but realized he was restrained. He fought for a moment, then slumped back on the pillow in defeat. “Damn these contraptions.”
“If you didn’t fight so much, they’d release you.”
Nesto flashed him a wry look. “Look at you, all cleaned up.” He nodded to me. “Got a girlfriend and everything. It’s like you forgot about your pal Nesto in Confinement.”
“No, I’d never forget you, buddy. You know that. They wouldn’t let me come and see you. And then when I did come and visit…you told me to fuck off.”
“A lot of good that did.” Nesto pulled against his restraints. “You don’t know what’s it’s like, man. To have to keep fighting every day.”
“Yeah…I do know.” Jayden’s voice sounded empty and hollow. “I know all too well.”
“Then you know what kind of hell I’m in. Why don’t you get me out of this and let finish it, already. I’m so damn tired of hurting.”
“I can’t.” Tears filled Jayden’s eyes. “You know I can’t.”
Nesto slumped back on his pillow in defeat. “Damn it, Jayden. Just let me die. Let me go.”
“Stop talking like that.”
“What? Stop speaking the truth?” Tears filled his eyes. “I’m living in hell, buddy. I just want it to stop.” He sniffed and tugged at his restraints. “Look at me, tied up like some animal. I’m done. There’s nothing left to live for.”
“I felt that way, too, once.” I don’t know who was more surprised at my outburst—them, or me.
Both men turned to look at me.
“Oh yeah?” Nesto asked. “Is that why you’re in here?”
I nodded and approached the bed. “Bottle of Vicodin and my parents’ pool.” I cleared my throat. “When that didn’t work, I sat in my father’s Mercedes in the garage and turned on the engine.” I moved to the edge of the bed next to Jayden. “When they stopped me, I tried to throw myself off a bridge.”
“What happened?” Nesto asked.
My lips twitched. “Two teenagers were making out under the bridge—a secret rendezvous behind their parents’ backs. They panicked when I didn’t rise to the surface and called the paramedics.”
“Ah love,” Nesto said. “It will get you every time.”
Jayden snorted.
“You don’t have to go through this alone, Nesto,” I said.
Nesto focused his dark eyes on me. They looked so hopeless, so void of emotion. “Love might have saved you, sweetheart, but it’s too late for me.” He turned to Jayden. “Find that Goddamn picture, bro. It’s all I have left of my brother.”
“I will.”
“Good.” Nesto relaxed and closed his eyes. “Now get the fuck out of my room and let me sleep. I need to get my strength back so I can beat Flynn’s sorry white ass.”
“Night, buddy.” Jayden smirked and motioned me to leave the room with him. I followed.
“Nesto seems rather…violent,” I said when we were out of earshot.
“Depression works in odd ways. Some of us withdraw, others act out.”
“Nesto acts out?”
Jayden nodded as he took one last look at his friend. “He’s been getting into fights ever since I’ve known him. It’s how he deals with the pain.”
“How sad.”
“I know.” Jayden put his arm around me. “For the time being though, it seems like he’s not going to be a danger to himself.” He pressed his lips against my temple. “Thank you.”
“No problem.” I glanced back at the room one last time as Jayden led me away. The hospital hall was mostly abandoned and for the moment, I was grateful for it. I enjoyed just being in Jayden’s presence, of feeling his body heat next to mine. It was so comforting. We walked for a while in silence before he spoke.
“You tried to kill yourself three times?” he asked.
Uh oh. I knew he was going to bring it up, but even so, I wasn’t fully prepared for it. “Yeah.”
“Why?”
I stopped walking and turned to face him. He dropped his arm and waited.
“I…” I wanted to tell him, but the words were so hard to say.
“You don’t have to tell me.”
“Yes, I do.” I swallowed the lump in my throat.
“Okay.” He took my hand. “But not here.” He walked with me a short distance and pulled me into a waiting area. Fortunately, there were no families waiting for news of their loved ones. No hospital staff, either. For the moment, we were alone.
He took my hands in his. “Okay, talk.”
“I killed two people.”
I felt him stiffen. It was only for a fraction of a second, but it was noticeable. “How?”
“Drunk driving accident.” I cleared my throat and looked down at my lap. It was easier to get it out if I didn’t look at him.
“I was dating this guy…” In halted speech I told him about Kyle, and how he was a rebellion against my mother. I told him about the fraternity party he took me and Bethany to and how we had gotten in a fight because he wanted to have sex at the frat house and I didn’t want to do something so emotional and intimate on a used mattress full of beer stains and God-only-knew-what-else. He tried to get me to have sex outside in the parking lot, and again in the car. This wasn’t unusual—Kyle always wanted sex when he was drunk. Sometimes, when we were alone, I gave into his requests. When we were in public I always refused, however. I didn’t like the thought of other people watching.
When I refused him that night, he went off, grumbling to himself. My friend Bethany consoled him—in more ways than one.
I glanced up at Jayden at that point and saw the hardness in his features. He stroked my palms with his fingers.
“Did he ever force himself on you?” he asked after a moment.
“No, that wasn’t his style. When I refused him, he just pouted like a schoolboy.”
Jayden released my hands and let out a long breath. “Continue.”
I did. “When I saw them together, I-I went crazy. I don’t know what happened. I started yelling and throwing things. I was crying.” I shook my head. “I had too much to drink and things felt a little crazy. Bethany was supposed to be the designated driver, but I wasn’t about to get in the car with her after what she did to me. Somehow, I managed to get the keys off of her and went out into the parking lot.”
“You drove yourself home?”
“Not exactly.” I shifted in my seat, suddenly uncomfortable. “I sat in the driver’s seat and fumbled a little with the ignition. Just as I started the car, Kyle opened the car door and put his hand over mine. He was shouting at Bethany to get into the back.”
“Did she?”
I nodded. “Then things get fuzzy. I refused to give him the wheel and instead put the car into drive. I meant to hit the gas but missed the pedal. We started to roll. Kyle had enough time to get in.” I sniffed as tears filled my eyes.
“There was a lot of yelling and fighting for the steering wheel.” I sniffed. “I must have blacked out or something, because the next thing I remember, the car was tumbling. None of us were wearing seat belts and we were thrown from our seats…”
Jayden shifted closer on the couch and slipped his arm around me. “Oh my God, Lucy. I’m so sorry.”
“Why did I survive and they didn’t? It was my yelling that drew them out from that party. My craziness that caused them to get in the car and try to stop it. It should have been me
who died, Jayden. Not them. It should have been me.”
“Shh…” Jayden held me as I cried. Not once did he shy away as I had feared, nor did he condemn me. Instead he held me in silence, letting months and months of emotion spill out onto his shirt.
When it was over, I leaned back and wiped my eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ve ruined your shirt again.” I was always ruining his clothes.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I’ll understand if you don’t want to speak to me anymore.”
He hooked his finger under my chin and held my gaze. “I don’t think any less of you, Lucy.”
“But I killed someone I loved.”
“So did I.”
I was silent for a long moment. “You’re talking about your father, aren’t you?”
He took in a ragged breath and dropped his hand. “After my father killed my sister, I snapped. I knew that I was next. So I found his hunting gun and kept it under my bed. One day, after school, I came home and found him in the kitchen with a knife. He said I was going to pay for the sins of my mother and sister.” He paused, his hands shaking. “I barely made it to my room in time. Everything happened so fast.” He looked away. “One minute he was charging toward me, the next he was gone.”
“Oh God, I’m so sorry, Jayden.” I held him, wishing he would cry and let it all out. He didn’t. Instead he gripped my shoulders hard and buried his face in my hair. “No one besides Dr. Polanski knows that.”
I understood the significance of his words. “No one knows what really happened that night but me.”
He pressed his lips against my temple. “It will be our little secret then, won’t it?”
“Yeah.”
After a few more minutes of hugging, he wiped his eyes and put his arm around me. “Ready to head back?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess.”
We left the waiting room and made it back to our Ward without incident. As we walked past the reception area, Elias appeared out of nowhere and started walking toward us.
“There you are,” Elias said as he approached. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
I slid out from under Jayden’s arm and faced Elias. “My mom’s here, isn’t she?”
“Yes.” Relief washed over his features. “She put up quite the show when you weren’t immediately available. She’s waiting down in the visitor’s coffee shop.”
“Do you want me to go with you?” Jayden asked.
I shook my head. “It’s better if I do this alone.” I took his hand and squeezed his fingers. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
He hesitated. For a moment I thought he was going to argue, but then he glanced at Elias and nodded. “Okay. I’ll be in the common area if you need me.”
“Okay.” I followed Elias back to reception. It made me angry that I had to use up some of my points to go visit with my mother, but if there was even the slightest chance at reconciliation, then it was worth it.
“Oh thank goodness.” My mom stood and held out her arms toward me. “I was so worried.”
I avoided her hug and got myself the usual—black coffee.
“I don’t know how you can drink that stuff.” My mom wrinkled her nose as I came back to the table.
“Good to see you, too.” I sipped my coffee, wishing I was anywhere else but sitting with my mom.
“I got something for you.” She slid a folder across the table toward me. “I thought you’d like it.”
In side the folder was a picture of me and my parents last Christmas morning. It looked like it was taken a lifetime ago, but in reality it was the first Christmas I was home from college. I was such a different person back then. The person in the photo was almost a stranger.
“I have good news about graduate school, too.”
“Oh?” I asked as I closed the folder and pushed it aside.
“Yes.” She leaned in close and smiled. “That vet school you loved has agreed to postpone your start date.”
I stared at her, too stunned to speak.
“I know you said you didn’t want to become a vet, but there are many other professions that deal with animals, and it really is an excellent school…”She took out a shiny pamphlet. “They even have an accelerated program, so you can make up for lost time. Here, take a look and tell me what you think.” She pushed the pamphlet across the table, toward me.
Pressure formed at my temples. I grimaced. “I’m not sure if I want to go back to school, Mom.” I pushed the pamphlet back.
“Don’t be ridiculous, of course you do.” She patted my hand. “I know what you told me before, but you were fragile then. Dr. Polanski says that you’re doing much better now. I’m sure once you go back and start taking classes, you’ll fall in love with veterinary medicine all over again.”
I took a sip of my coffee and tried to push back my rising anger. I was annoyed that my mom would call my doctor to check up on me. I wasn’t sure why. I supposed it was because the woman never stopped trying to control my life. Even in a mental hospital, she was still trying to pull my strings like a puppet.
I thought about my conversation with Dr. Polanski in my one-on-one. Did I really want to become a vet? No, I didn’t. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life, but I did know one thing—I was done with school. I didn’t think I had it in me to jump through all of those hoops again.
“I’m not going to go back to school, Mother.”
“Of course you are. This is what you want.”
“No, it’s what you want.”
“Come on, Lucy. We’ve been through this before.”
I shook my head. “Yes, Mom, we have, although you don’t seem to listen.” I started to stand.
“Well, if you aren’t going back to school, what are you going to do with your life?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know yet.”
She made a tsking sound with her mouth. “It’s not good to have no goals, Lucy.”
I tightened my grip on my coffee cup. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve had a rather rough year. I need time to heal before I can think about the future.”
“Oh, I know, but you’ll bounce back. You always do.”
“Are you even listening to me?” I started to stand, but my mom put her hand on my arm.
“Honey, I’m sorry. I just want what best for you. Always what’s best for you.” She leaned over her chair and wrapped her arms around me.
I stiffened. My mom felt cold and hard against me. I closed my eyes and silently swore. I supposed in her own way, my mom did love me. She was just so used to controlling everything around her. She didn’t know how to stop.
And I really could use a mother right now.
Slowly, I slid my arms around my mom and patted her on the back.
“I hope you can forgive me, honey.”
“I forgive you, Mom.” I bright light flashed in front of my eyes. “What the—?”
“We got it, Mrs. White.”
My mom leaned back and smiled. It was then that I noticed a photographer standing over her, camera in hand.
“Who are you?” I asked.
“Reporter for Greendale Daily.” He handed me his card.
A newspaper reporter. I stared at my mom in shock. “You invited a newspaper reporter here?”
“Honey, they were already watching the building. It was sort of impulsive. I thought that capturing this moment would be sweet. We’d have the picture to look back on.”
“You mean you’d have a sweet picture for the papers.” I threw the card down on the table and stood. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what?” She stood and shooed away the reporter. “Honey, I’m just doing what’s best for us. We got so much bad press after the accident—”
“Is that all you care about, the press?”
“It’s not just me, you see. Your father was asked a lot of questions down at the Equestrian Club—”
“Oh, so my father can’t ride his horses in peace be
cause of his sick daughter.”
“I was also thinking about you.” She reached out to touch my arm, but I stepped out of her grasp. “The bad press would make it hard to function in the outside world when they finally let you out of this dreadful place.” She looked around and shivered. “The Op Ed story would bury this whole suicide business and help us all to move on.”
“You mean for you to move on.” I shook your head. “I’m sorry, Mother. I-I’m done with this.”
“Done with what?”
“All of it.” I waved my hands between the reporter and her. “I’m tired of pretending for the camera.”
“No one is pretending. This is our life.”
“No, this is your life. Not mine.” I was so tired of living out my mother’s dreams. It was time to live my own. “Until you can accept me for who I am, I-I don’t want to see you anymore.”
Tears filled my mother’s eyes. “Oh honey, you don’t mean that.”
“I’m afraid I do.”
“You can’t mean that. If-if you stop seeing us, then we won’t pay for your hospital stay. You’ll have nowhere to go.”
“I have my trust fund, remember? My high school graduation present?”
“But that was supposed to pay for school and to help you start your own veterinary practice.”
“I told you, I don’t want to be a vet. I want to get well. I want to live my own life.” I watched her cry. It tore at my hear strings, but I couldn’t keep playing her game anymore, not if I wanted to heal.
And I needed to heal if I wanted to be with Jayden.
“Goodbye, Mother.” I turned and walked away from my mother and my old life.
It was difficult, but my mother would have my father and her job to comfort her. As for me, it was time to pick up the pieces and start over.
No more feeling sorry for myself. No more living my life for other people.
It was time to focus on me.
Chapter Thirteen
I didn’t want to go to Jayden’s going-away party.
The four days passed way too quickly. The more time I spent with Jayden, the closer we became. All of our secrets were out in the open now. We had nothing to hide from each other. Over the past couple of days he had become more than my boyfriend or emotional security blanket. He was like family.
