by Robin Wells
“Yeah.” Gracie looked at her thoughtfully for moment. “If I have a boy, maybe I’ll name him Joseph, too.”
A moment of harmony pulsed between them. “Is school going okay?” Katie ventured.
Gracie’s face shut down. “It sucks.”
“High school is hard enough when you’re not new or pregnant. I think you were really brave to decide to attend for a semester.”
“I have to, in order to do the chemistry and biology labs.”
“Still, I think it’s brave. And if you ever want to talk about any problems you’re having with the other kids or anything…”
“No.” Gracie stood up. “When I’m not there, I don’t like to think about it.”
“Okay, sweetie.”
Gracie went to the door. “Good night.”
“Good night.” Katie watched the door close, then dipped her head and closed her eyes. Please, God—be with Gracie and her baby. And help me to be the mother you want her to have.
Four nights later, Zack headed up to the garage apartment to watch a Saints game on TV. At halftime he decided to go to the house for some ice cream. He’d just walked in and was reaching for the kitchen light switch when he heard Katie and Annette talking through the open master bedroom door.
“You’ve never told me anything about Zack’s family,” Annette was saying.
“He’s an only child,” Katie said. “His mother’s dead, and his father… well, they don’t stay in touch.”
“What’s the situation?”
“Well, Zack didn’t come from a very nurturing environment.”
That was putting it mildly. Zack stood in the dark and shamelessly listened.
“His parents had a horrible marriage, with lots of quarrels and jealousy and anger and accusations,” Katie continued. “That anger spilled onto Zack. They’d yell at him and sometimes hit him for not much more than being there. Afterward, they’d try to make nice by telling him they loved him, and they’d coerce him into saying it back to them.”
“Oh, dear.”
“He always felt unwanted, and as it turns out, he was.” She paused. “One time he overheard his father accuse his mother of trapping him into marriage by getting pregnant.”
Annette made a tsking sound. “That kind of home life leaves scars on children. I saw it when I used to teach. ” Annette paused. “When a kid feels unwanted, it makes it hard for them to ever form close relationships.”
Katie murmured something he couldn’t make out.
“Be careful, Katie,” Annette said. “You and Paul had such a special love. I’d hate to see you settle for anything less.”
Katie’s response was too soft for him to hear. Zack’s throat tightened. Was Annette right? Was he damaged goods?
Too damaged to be good for Katie?
“I’d better let you get some sleep,” he heard Katie say. He heard the master bedroom door squeak all the way open.
Deciding he didn’t really want any ice cream after all, Zack turned and headed back to the garage, pulling the kitchen door quietly shut behind him.
The second week in October, the heat temporarily broke. The day Dave came home from Sunnyside wasn’t cool, exactly, but it lacked the oppressive humidity that had lasted all summer. Katie and Zack picked him up and drove him to his little ranch house, where Annette was already waiting.
“Are you sure you two are going to be all right?” Katie asked. She looked at Dave, leaning back in the new leather recliner she’d helped Annette pick out four days ago, then at Annette, sitting beside him in a matching chair.
“We’re great,” Annette said.
They looked so cute in their matching recliners that Katie’s eyes misted.
“Anything we can get you?” Zack asked. “Need us to run any errands or bring you dinner?”
“I think everyone in town has brought us a casserole,” Annette said. “We’ve got meals for a month or more.”
“I’ll be checking in every day, “ Katie said. “And you know we’re just a phone call away.”
“I know,” Dave piped up. “And if she doesn’t treat me right, believe me, I’ll be calling.” Dave shot Annette a wink.
Annette rolled her eyes.
Katie exchanged a grin with Zack, then smiled at Annette. “Looks like you’re going to have your hands full. I feel for you.”
“What about me?” Dave asked. “Don’t I get any sympathy?”
The man was making an amazing recovery. His color was good, his appetite was returning, and he was walking more and more each day. “You get no sympathy at all, buster,” Annette said, shaking her head. “Waiting eleven months to have surgery and not telling a soul you even needed it!”
There was a lot of love behind Annette’s scolding, and judging from the grin on his face, Dave knew it. More than Dave’s arteries and Annette’s leg had done a lot of healing over the last couple of months. “I think you’re both in wonderful hands,” Katie said softly.
Dave and Annette smiled at each other. It was pretty obvious they thought so, too.
As soon as Katie and Zack climbed into Zack’s car in the driveway, he leaned over and kissed her. “I’ve missed you.”
“Likewise.” While Annette had been staying with them, Katie had kept her distance from Zack, not wanting to make her mother-in-law uncomfortable.
He lifted a strand of her hair and looked at her in a way that made little tendrils of emotion unfurl inside her. “How about coming up to the garage tonight?”
She gazed into his blue eyes and responded to his irresistible smile with one of her own. “I thought you’d never ask.”
Gracie: It’s a girl! I found out the baby’s a girl!
Megan: Cool. Got a name?
Gracie: Not yet. But I’ve got lots of name books, and I’m picking out clothes and furniture and junk.
Megan: Where will U live after U have the baby?
Gracie: Not sure. With Katie for a while, I guess. She’s rebuilding her house with 2 bedrooms right together and one will be a nursery. Whatzup with U?
Megan: Callie’s throwing a big Halloween party. I’m going as a sexy witch.
Longing punched Gracie’s gut, harder than the baby’s kicks. Halloween had always been her favorite holiday.
Gracie: I could go as the Great Pumpkin, and I wouldn’t even need a costume.
Megan: LOL. My mom thinks my costume’s 2 skimpy, but I think it’s hot.
Tears beaded in Gracie’s eyes. Her stomach was so enormous that her belly button had turned into an outie. She wondered if she’d ever look hot again. Megan didn’t realize how lucky she was.
Gracie: Guess you’re getting pumped about your ski trip.
Megan: Yeah. Gonna look at colleges on the way.
Another fist of longing hit Gracie’s gut. If it weren’t for Kirt or Dirk or Dork or whoever, she’d be doing stuff like that, too.
Megan: How are things with Katie and Zack?
Gracie: OK, I guess.
Actually, Katie and Zack had turned out to be pretty cool. She liked them, and that made her feel kinda guilty. Sheesh—why did everything have to be so complicated? Even good stuff made her feel bad.
Megan: Are they still hooking up?
Gracie: Yeah. Every night, except when he’s gone on business. They think I don’t know.
Megan: Pretty funny.
Gracie: Yeah. Grown-ups are so weird.
Dawn light filtered through the window of the garage apartment a week later. Katie moaned as Zack moved deep within her. He showered her face with kisses, then buried his face against her neck, his breathing hot and labored.
Katie clutched his back, her legs wrapped around his. All of her senses converged like sunlight through a magnifying glass, tapering and focusing to the feel of him inside her, filling her, thrilling her, pushing her higher. He thrust, then thrust again, over and over, driving her onward, up and up and up until everything shattered in a brilliant, beautiful explosion of emotion.
“I love you
so much!”
The words burst out of her throat before she even knew she was thinking them. No, that wasn’t quite right; she’d been thinking them for a few weeks now and feeling them for some time before that, but she hadn’t intended to say them.
Over the past month, she and Zack had grown increasingly close. He’d drastically cut back on his travel and was gone only one or two nights a week instead of five or six. Katie’s feelings for him had reached the point that they’d just spilled out.
But that wasn’t a good thing, judging from the way Zack had gone perfectly still above her. Oh, dear heavens—she hoped she hadn’t freaked him out.
They didn’t have a great track record where the L-word was concerned. She’d told him she loved him that summer, and he’d tried to convince her that she didn’t.
He had a real aversion to those three little words. On more than one occasion and to more than one source, he’d said that he didn’t believe in love. Katie didn’t believe he really didn’t believe, but she believed he believed that he didn’t believe. One thing was for certain; she hadn’t intended to be the one to utter the loaded phrase first again.
“I love so much how you make me feel,” she said, hoping he’d think that’s what she’d meant a moment earlier. “I love your body.”
He began to move again, and moments later, he found his own completion. She waited until his breathing slowed.
“I love being with you,” she said, still hoping to fix things. “I love making love to you. I love the feel of your skin on mine.”
He pulled back and looked at her, his gaze inscrutable. She almost said the dreaded words again, but stopped herself in time.
“Kate.” He stroked her hair back from her face. “You talk way too much.”
“I thought you liked it when I talked during sex.”
“Only if you’re giving me instructions or saying something dirty.”
“Oh. I didn’t know there were parameters.”
“Yeah, well, now you do.” He planted a kiss on her lips and rolled off.
His tone was joking, but there was tension in the way he moved away from her, and he was wearing his poker face—the one where she couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feeling.
Katie frowned, wondering if she should say something, then her gaze lit on the bedside clock. Six-twenty. Oh, no—Gracie’s alarm went off at six-thirty!
She scooted out of bed and started scrambling for her clothes. “I’ve got to hurry, or Gracie will be up before I get back to the main house.”
Normally Zack would grin and say something teasing, such as, “And she would keel over in shock, because you’re totally fooling her,” or “Better hurry or she’ll ground you.” But today, he just said, “Okay,” then climbed out of bed and headed for the bathroom.
Katie pulled on her pajamas and bathrobe. Ever since Gracie had started school, Katie had skipped the sneaking-back-to-her-room part and gone directly to the kitchen to make Gracie breakfast. Hopefully Gracie thought she’d slept in her own bed and just set her alarm early.
Katie grabbed the sash of her bathrobe and headed for the door. Saying “I love you” had freaked Zack out, all right.
Well, it was true. He might not want to hear it and she might not want to admit it, but she was in love with him. She was beyond the following-her-heart-and-seeing-where-this-might-lead stage; she was completely, thoroughly, head-over-heels, wildly, madly in love with him. And when she was in love, she was accustomed to saying it out loud.
But Zack wasn’t like Paul. Zack wasn’t comfortable with emotions.
A lump formed in Katie’s throat. Paul had wanted to fall in love, to get married, to settle down, to have a family.
Zack… didn’t. He had trouble with commitment. He had trouble articulating his feelings. Heck, he had trouble feeling his feelings. But Katie thought—at least, she hoped—that he did have feelings for her.
She desperately hoped he did, because her feelings for him were deep-rooted, far-reaching, and long-ranging. She wanted a future with him.
Before she was ready to address the future though, she needed to deal with the past. She glanced down at the diamond solitaire and the gold band beneath it on her left hand and made a sudden decision.
It was time—way past time—to put Paul to rest.
Thirty minutes later, Katie sat at Dave’s kitchen table, her hand curled around a cup of coffee, her heart pounding at an erratic pace.
“So what’s on your mind, dear?” Annette asked.
Katie drew a deep breath. “I think it’s time to put Paul to rest.”
They looked at each other. Dave cleared his throat. “We do, too, Katie. We have a cemetery plot, if you want a place to bury him.”
So Annette and Dave had talked about this. They’d no doubt wondered what had taken her so long. A stab of pain shot through her. “Paul didn’t want to be buried. He wanted his ashes scattered over the lake, off the old fishing pier.”
Annette looked at her in surprise. “He told you that?”
Katie nodded. “A week before he left for his first tour of duty.”
They’d gone for a moonlit walk along the lakefront and ended up at the end of the old pier where he’d proposed to her. “Did you bring me here to give me another ring?” she’d teased.
“Sorry.” He gave her that lopsided grin she knew so well and loved so much. “Fresh out.”
“I can think of something else you can give me.” She took a step toward him. “A baby.”
He cradled her face in his hands and kissed her. “We’ll go home and work on that. But first, we need to discuss something serious.” The somberness in his eyes made her blood run cold. He moved his hands to her upper arms. “Katie—if something happens to me over there…”
She shook her head, wanting to shake off the topic. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I don’t, either. But we’ve got to.” He smoothed a strand of hair behind her ear. “If something happens, I want you to scatter my ashes here.”
“Nothing’s going to happen.” She forced a smile. “Not until we get home, anyway. And then I intend to jump your bones.”
“Katie, you’ve got to hear me out.”
The icy lump in her throat made it hard to swallow, much less speak. Paul’s hands slid down her arms. “I hate the idea of being buried. But the thought of being here, a part of the lake and the swamp and the sky, at my favorite fishing spot, the spot where you agreed to marry me… well, that idea is kind of peaceful.” Maybe it was the three-quarter moon behind him, maybe it was the sheen of tears clouding her vision, but for a moment, he’d looked like he had a halo glowing around him, as if he were shimmering and disappearing, as if she were already losing him.
She was desperate to break the mood, to de-ice the fear freezing her soul. She gave him a wobbly smile, then raised her hand in a snappy salute. “Message received, Captain. Your wishes have been duly noted and filed.”
“If it happens, don’t send me off with a lot of angst, Katie.” He looked into her eyes. “You know what I believe—life doesn’t end with death. So promise me you’ll send me off with a peaceful heart.”
It took her a moment to find her voice. “How can I do that?”
“You’ll find a way. I just need to know, going over there, that if something happens, your life won’t end, too.” A cloud passed in front of the moon. He pressed her fingers. “Promise me.”
The only way to end this horrid conversation was to tell him what he needed to hear. She swallowed, looked away from his shadowed face, and said a word she didn’t mean. “Okay.”
“Okay.” His hands moved back up her arms. “I hereby declare this difficult conversation officially over.”
“Thank God.”
He smiled, kissed the top of her head, then looped his arm around her waist. “Now, about this bone-jumping you mentioned…” They walked off the pier together.
Katie hadn’t been back to the pier since.
She loo
ked at Annette and Dave now. “I promised I’d send him off without a lot of angst. I haven’t felt able to do that until now.”
Annette rested her hand over Katie’s. “Well, then, honey, I think it’s time you kept your word.”
Katie’s eyes grew moist. “Would you two like to come with me?”
Dave looked at Annette. Annette nodded.
“Sure,” he said. “When?”
“Are you up to it now?” Katie wanted to do this before she lost her courage. “I can drive us right up to the pier, so you won’t have any distance to walk.”
Dave nodded. “I’m up for it.”
Katie swallowed. “I have the urn in my car.”
Again, Dave looked to Annette.
The older woman nodded. “Let me get my purse.”
Zack entered the house around twelve-thirty. “Kate?”
He’d called her salon and learned she’d taken the afternoon off. Her car was in the drive, so he knew she was home. He searched the downstairs, then headed up the staircase.
He hadn’t handled things well this morning. He couldn’t bring himself to say a lot of empty words—his parents used to ram “I love yous” down his throat, then force him to parrot the phrase back—but he needed to let Katie know he cared.
Action was more his style, and everyone knew actions spoke louder than words. Working out of a coffee shop in Hammond, he’d spent the morning on the phone and the computer, developing an action plan that would show Katie how much he cared. He’d combed over his schedule, along with the schedules of his top three staff members, all with the intent of shifting a lot of his travel responsibilities onto them.
His staff frequently accused him of micromanaging things—and hell, he did. Not because he didn’t trust them, but because novel settings and situations, combined with an overload of work, kept him busy, and when he was busy, he didn’t notice the ever-expanding emptiness inside him. He’d traded in poker for corporate risk management because he’d thought a new challenge would keep the dark feelings and doubts at bay, the thoughts that surfaced in the middle of the night and circled like hungry sharks—thoughts like Nothing matters. Nothing lasts. Nothing has meaning.
