by Robin Wells
The doctor turned off the ultrasound machine. “I want to keep you at the hospital until the bleeding stops. If it doesn’t stop or you have any further bleeding once you get home, you’ll have to stay here until you deliver.”
Gracie grabbed the doctor’s sleeve as Dr. Greene rose from her seat by the side of the exam table. She stopped and turned. Gracie peered up at her with anxious eyes. “Did I do something to cause this?”
“No, Gracie. It’s just something that happened.”
“Are you sure? It’s not because I got upset or walked too fast or too far or got too hot or… or…” Her voice shook, and her eyes filled with tears. “Or thought bad thoughts?”
The doctor patted her hand. “No. Placenta previa is just one of those things. There’s absolutely nothing you could have done to cause it or prevent it.”
Gracie swallowed and nodded. Katie didn’t think she looked entirely convinced.
“There is one more thing,” Dr. Greene said. “There’s a very strong chance we’re going to need to deliver you early.”
“How early?”
“Well, it depends on how things go. We don’t want your placenta to detach, so we’re going to monitor you very closely to make sure that doesn’t happen. And I’m going to start you on a medication to help your baby’s lungs mature early.” The doctor patted her hand again and went out the door.
Gracie closed her eyes. Tears fell from the corners.
“Are you okay?” Katie asked.
“Yeah. I just…” The girl turned her head away.
“What is it, sweetie?”
“Why do I always hurt people I love?”
“The doctor said this wasn’t your fault.”
“I heard her. But they said that about my parents’ death, too, and it’s not the truth.”
Katie’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean, sweetie?”
Gracie made a gulping sound. “The night my parents had that wreck… I’d sneaked out of the house to go to a party.” Gracie flung an arm over her face, hiding her eyes. A sob eked out from under it. “They were out looking for me when their car crashed.”
“Oh, Gracie.” In addition to grieving her parents, Gracie was drowning in guilt for their deaths. She must have been smothering under the weight of it all. Combined with the rape and the pregnancy, the poor girl was carrying an almost unimaginable burden.
Katie leaned down and folded Gracie into her arms. She felt Gracie’s pain like a physical thing wedged in her chest. She wished she could take all the girl’s hurts and bear them for her. “That doesn’t make it your fault. It was a terrible accident, that’s all. It’s no one’s fault.”
“But if I hadn’t sneaked out, they wouldn’t have been in the car, and they wouldn’t be dead.”
Katie searched her heart for a way to comfort the girl. “You wouldn’t have gone if you’d known what was going to happen. So many things are just beyond our control, Gracie.”
“But it’s my fault, because I didn’t do the right thing.”
“No one does the right thing all the time. All we can do is ask for forgiveness, let it go, and make better choices in the future.” Katie stroked the girl’s arm. “Do you think your parents would want you feeling miserable for the rest of your life?”
“No.”
“What kind of life would they want for you and your baby?”
“A good one. A happy one.”
“Well, then, honor their memory by trying to live like that.”
Gracie drew a sob-wrenched breath. Katie found a tissue on the exam room counter and handed her one.
An orderly and a nurse came through the door, pushing a gurney. “We’re going to take you to a room now, Gracie.”
“Okay.” Gracie reached for Katie’s hand. “Will you come, too?”
Katie squeezed the girl’s fingers, her eyes nearly as full as her heart. She blinked back her tears and smiled. “Absolutely.”
Five hours later, Zack strode down the hall toward Gracie’s room, only to nearly collide with Katie.
“Zack!” Her eyes flew open wide, then rapidly narrowed. “What are you doing here?”
“I caught a plane right after you called and told me what happened at school. I got your message that Gracie was at the hospital when I landed.” He peered into her face. She looked exhausted and depleted, and her eyes were red, as if she’d been crying. “What’s going on?”
As they walked to a bench at the end of the hall, Katie filled him in.
Zack leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes, feeling like he’d eaten a batch of bad oysters. Holy crap—that poor kid! He opened his eyes. “I want to see her.”
“She just fell asleep. That’s why I left her room.”
“Okay. I’ll wait.”
Katie rose from the bench. “Well, then, I’ll give you some space.”
The words cut into him like barbed wire. “Kate…”
She started to walk away. He grabbed her arm.
She turned and looked at him, her eyes guarded and wary, and then, there it was again—that miserable, sick, needy feeling, the same feeling he’d gotten in his gut when he’d seen Katie wearing her late husband’s clothes. It wasn’t like him to feel this way. He didn’t want to feel this pathetic longing and yearning, like a friggin’ homeless person gazing into a warm house. He liked his life separate and simple and clean and straightforward. No attachments, no obligations, no strings.
Except… all of a sudden, there were strings everywhere. Heartstrings, tying him to Gracie and Katie. He couldn’t explain it and he didn’t understand it, but he needed to be with them, needed to take care of them, needed them to need him.
He didn’t know when or how it had happened. One minute he’d thought everything was normal, and the next, he was in alien territory. How the hell was he supposed to navigate? He didn’t have a GPS or a map or a compass or even a friggin’ clue.
No clue at all. Hell. He’d been miserable ever since he’d left. He’d tried to focus on work, but his mind kept wandering back to Katie. He started to call her a dozen times each day, then each time, he changed his mind. What good would it do? What was he going to say? He wasn’t going to make a lot of promises he didn’t know if he could keep or pin labels on emotions he didn’t understand.
Still, he owed her some kind of explanation. Or did he? She’d probably be better off just thinking he was a total ass. Which he was, where she was concerned. He should just leave her alone.
But something about her wouldn’t let him do that.
“Kate—I missed you.”
“Not enough to pick up the phone, apparently.”
“I didn’t know what to say.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I still don’t.”
“Well, then, I guess that says it all.”
She started to walk away again. He fell in step beside her. “Where were you going?”
“To the house. I need to pick up my toothbrush and a few things. There’s a recliner in Gracie’s room I can sleep in.”
“I’ll stay, too.”
“No need. Besides, there’s nowhere for you to sleep.”
Was she saying he’d just be in the way? His chin jutted out. “I’ll just stay out here, in the hall. I’m not going to leave you two at a time like this.”
To his relief, she didn’t mount any further protest.
“I’ll run get what you need. Just make me a list.”
“I can probably name them on one hand.” She lifted her hand and counted them off on her fingers. “Toothbrush, toothpaste, face soap, hairbrushes, the Game Boy, and the iPod.”
He grinned. “That covers Gracie. How about you?”
“I don’t really need anything aside from my toothbrush.”
What about me? Do you need me?
Jeez, when had he turned into such a basket case? It wasn’t like him to think crap like this.
What was happening to him? It was as if an alien had taken over his body. He’d always been independent,
self-sufficient, detached, and aloof. He was a lone wolf, and he liked it that way.
So why the heck did being alone suddenly seem so lonely?
Katie slept in Gracie’s hospital room for the next three nights and kept a nearly constant daytime vigil, as well. Whenever Zack would step into the room, she would leave.
Zack went to the boxing gym in Hammond and pounded on a punching bag, pretending it was the cretins at the high school, taking another few swipes at the A-hole who’d raped Gracie, and finally throwing a few punches at himself.
On the fourth morning, the doctor caught both Zack and Katie in the hallway outside Gracie’s room. “I’m going to release Gracie today,” she said. “She can get up to use the bathroom and take a quick shower, but other than that, she’s to stay in bed. I don’t want her climbing stairs or walking unnecessarily. And she’ll need someone with her around the clock, because if she has any bleeding, she needs to get to the hospital immediately.” The doctor looked at them. “It’s not going to be easy for her. And it’s not going to be easy for you, either.”
Boy, that was the truth. And the way Katie was avoiding him was going to make it even harder. As the doctor walked away, Katie started to head back into Gracie’s room. Zack touched her arm.
Katie froze, then slowly turned toward him. She blew a lock of hair out of her eyes, her expression exasperated. “What?”
Her clothes were rumpled, her hair was askew, and she had dark circles under her eyes. She was so beautiful it made his chest hurt. “Kate, this is ridiculous.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“The way you’re avoiding me.”
“I’m just trying to give you space.”
The way she said it, all emotionless and sarcasm-free, hurt worse than snarkiness ever could. He wished she were angry or indignant or at least snide. That would mean she still felt something for him.
“Kate, look—I blew it.” He ran a hand down his face. “I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to deal with emotional things.”
“And whenever you don’t know how to deal, you leave.”
“It won’t happen again.” He looked at the floor. “I was wrong.”
“No, you were right. We needed a breather.”
His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides. “I’ve had enough of one.”
“Well, I haven’t.”
He deserved that. It was only fair. He cleared his throat. “I’ve arranged my schedule so that I don’t have to travel until after the baby is born.”
“I’m sure that will mean a lot to Gracie. I’ll try to stay out of your way.”
“I don’t want you to stay out of my way. I want us to go back to the way things were.”
She looked at him. For a moment, he saw a depth and breadth of pain in her eyes that nearly stopped his heart. “There’s no such thing as going back,” she said softly.
He watched her disappear into Gracie’s room, and he stood there, wondering if he had put that pain in her eyes or if it was all about Paul. He didn’t even know which would make him feel worse.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Megan: What’s it like being homeschooled?
Gracie: Pretty cool. Katie teaches social studies and biology, Annette teaches English and history, and Zack does trigonometry and chemistry. I’m also taking an art course online.
Megan: Do U still think your birth parents are hooking up?
Gracie: No. They had a fight or something. When Zack comes in the room, Katie leaves. It’s really tense.
Katie opened the kitchen door, then bent and picked up the grocery bags she’d set down, pushing through the door backward. “That wind is something else! And the sky is practically black. It looks like we’re in for one heck of a…” She turned around to find Zack sitting at the kitchen table, his laptop open. She immediately froze.
“I—I thought you were Annette. I mean, she was here with Gracie when I left, so…”
Zack’s chair scraped against the hardwood floor. “I told her to go home before the storm hits.”
“Oh.”
He rose and came toward her. “Let me help with those.” Before she could protest, he’d taken most of the bags from her arms.
Her mouth went dry. Ever since Gracie had come home from the hospital two weeks ago, Katie had tried to keep her physical distance from Zack. Just being in the same room with him unnerved her. She noticed things she had no business noticing—the way his chest rose and fell as he breathed, the swirl of his hair at his crown, the shadow on his shaved jaw.
“Any more bags in the car?”
“No. That’s all.”
He set the bags on the counter and started unloading them. He lifted the gallon of milk and headed to the refrigerator.
It was an ordinary activity, yet it held her riveted. She watched his pectoral muscles shift beneath the cotton of his blue polo shirt, watched the dusting of hair on his forearm catch the light, watched his hand curl around the handle of the plastic jug. Memories of those hands—the way his fingers moved across her skin, the way the little callus on the inside of his palm rasped the underside of her breast and the inside of her thigh—flashed through her mind, making her dizzy.
She swallowed hard and tried to act normal, whatever that was.
The silence was stilted. Painful. Stifling.
“How’s Gracie?” she managed.
“Sleeping now. She was kind of grouchy.”
“Can’t blame her. Staying in bed all the time must be awful.” Katie opened the pantry and put away a can of soup. “I’ll put these away and then get out of your way.”
He moved forward and lifted a bag of fresh peaches. “You know, you don’t have to run off every time you see me.”
Yes, I do. She silently removed a loaf of bread and put it in the breadbox.
“Gracie asked me why you were mad at me.”
“What did you tell her?”
“That I acted like a jerk.”
“At least you were honest.”
He leaned against the counter and smiled. Oh, dear heavens—she’d forgotten about the wattage of his smile. It had a way of melting her.
“She wanted to know what I’d done that was so bad you couldn’t forgive me.”
“I forgive you,” Katie said.
“You do?”
“Yeah. I just don’t…”
There was that smile again, sneaking its way past her defenses. “Don’t trust me?”
Her lips curved of their own volition, an automatic reaction to his grin. “Something like that.”
“Is it really me?” His dimple winked at her. “Or is it yourself you don’t trust?”
They were slipping into dangerous territory, back into flirtation zone, back into their old teasing ways of verbal foreplay. “Zack…” She meant his name to sound like a warning. It came out more like an invitation.
“Let me guess.” His dimple deepened. “You’re afraid you’re going to hurl yourself into my arms in a mad lather of passion.”
She rolled her eyes. “Oh, please.”
He moved closer. “I love it when you beg.”
She grinned in spite of herself. “You were right about the first part. I’m afraid I’m going to hurl.”
He laughed and moved still closer. “God, Kate—I’ve missed you.”
His eyes were blue fathoms, twenty thousand leagues of ocean-deep feeling. The emotion in his gaze stole her breath. He might not be able to put his feelings into words, but she couldn’t deny the message in his eyes. Her legs went weak.
He moved yet closer. His thighs wedged her against the kitchen counter. “I’ve missed you like crazy,” he said. “I’ve missed you so much I can’t think.”
He was going to kiss her. She felt it coming, felt it like the storm brewing outside. She knew it was about to happen, and she did nothing to stop it.
His mouth lowered to hers. And then, God help her—she wound her arms around his neck and kissed him back, as if he were o
xygen and she was coming up for air after a long, undersea dive.
“Don’t mind me.”
Katie dropped her arms. Her eyes flew open, and she saw Gracie standing in the doorway. One hand rested on her enormous belly, which was pushing her “I heart T-shirts” T-shirt to the outer limits of the cotton’s stretchability.
“Gracie!” Katie pushed Zack away. “What are you doing up?”
“I woke up, and I had to go to the bathroom. And I heard you in here.”
Katie turned toward the counter and pretended to need something in the cabinet above. “You know what the doctor said. You’re supposed to stay in bed.”
“Except when I go to the bathroom.”
“Well, this isn’t the bathroom.”
“I know.” She grinned. “It’s not a bedroom, either.”
“It—it’s not what you think.” She turned and looked to Zack for help. He grinned and shrugged. No help would be forthcoming from that quarter, she realized with frustration. “We haven’t been—I mean, we’re not…”
Gracie rolled her eyes, then waved as something caught her eye through the kitchen door. “Oh, look. Here comes Annette.”
Katie turned as Annette let herself in the kitchen door. Annette’s gaze locked on the girl, and she frowned, her eyes alarmed. “Gracie! What are you doing out of bed?”
“I got up to go to the bathroom, then I caught them snogging.”
“Snogging?”
“Making out.”
“Gracie, go to bed,” Katie said.
“Okeydoke.” She shuffled off to her room. “But it looked to me as if you two are the ones headed in that direction.”
Zack scooped up his laptop. “Nice to see you, Annette. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to print out a letter.”
Coward. Katie telegraphed the word to him with narrowed eyes. He winked.
“Well!” Annette looked both flustered and amused. “I came back for my glasses—I think I left them… Oh, there they are.” She scooped them off the table.
Katie felt compelled to offer some kind of explanation. “What Gracie said… We weren’t… I mean, we were just…”
Annette threw up her hands. “No need to explain. But, Katie, I want you to know… I mean, I don’t know what your situation is, but if you were to be involved with Zack—or with someone else, for that matter… well, I want you to know that I’m all for it. Not that I think you’re waiting for my approval or anything.”
