by Kira Adams
My nose scrunches up. “So why don’t you ever call me out for skipping?”
Pushing me off him gently, he begins picking up his clothes from the ground and putting them back on. “Well that’s easy, because you’re smarter than me.” He flashes me his near-perfect smile before leaning back onto the bed to give me a quick peck. “Live today for you,” he whispers to me.
God, I love him.
Design a Life You Love
I wasn’t sure how the turnout would be for Grace’s Sunday dinners. I didn’t know if it would be a small gathering of Grace, me, and her other children and their families, or if it would be a large gathering like the memorial. Honestly, I’m hoping for the first option. It’s been difficult to keep reliving the fact that I lost both my husband and daughter the same day and that I lived. I know they all mean well, but it’s draining.
When I arrive, I find Grace over the stove, Caydence and Trey out on the porch swing, and Finn’s Uncle Jerry sitting in front of the television watching football. I shuffle between all of them to say my hellos before setting down the apple pie I brought, on the kitchen counter. “So how are you doing, Grace?”
She stops stirring the spaghetti sauce and turns around to face me. “We are doing okay here. Just taking it one day at a time. What about you? How is the packing coming along?”
I shrug, sighing. “I think I’m going to have to hire a moving company, or a donation pickup. I’m having a harder time sorting through their belongings, than I thought.”
Grace takes the news harder than I expect. “You know, I’ve already been through their stuff to make sure I saved what I wanted…but maybe we could have Keifer stop by and help you out. He’s staying in town for a little bit and has been a big help to me since he’s been back.”
I’m shaking my head before I realize it. “I don’t think he would find that enjoyable, much less me.”
“Oh, Tobin, he’s not as bad as you think. I don’t know what Finn told you, but they were like brothers, growing up. They really looked after one another.” She’s doing her best to sell me on the idea.
“And then the camera turned on and it all ended. I know, Finn used to tell me stories.”
Grace sighs, defeated. “I’m just saying. Not many people understand what we are going through. At least he’s family, so he can put himself in your shoes.”
I throw my hands in the air, surrendering. “Fine, you win. I’ll ask him.”
A smile creeps upon her lips. “I hate the thought of you being tied down to this city just because of their belongings.”
It stings when she says it, making me wince.
She realizes her insensitivity and quickly backtracks. “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
I nod.
“What I’m trying to say is that it’s time to figure out your next move. What you want out of your life, moving forward. Maybe you want to travel a bit before putting down roots anywhere else. I think that would be really good for you.”
It’s been difficult to think that far ahead. I’m barely able to get through each day, as it is. “Maybe,” I reply, simply.
“Tobin, you put them first in life for everything. It’s time to put you first for once. There is nothing selfish about that.”
She’s right, but it’s easier said than done. My heart literally feels like someone ripped it out of my chest. Most days, I feel like a walking zombie.
“So, have you heard back from the lawyer?” I knew she would be asking, just didn’t know when.
I shake my head. “She’s just a girl, so everything is being looked at with a fine-tooth comb.”
“Have they told you their ideal outcome for everything?”
Taking a deep breath, I sit down at the dining room table. “They want to charge her with second degree murder.”
Grace’s eyes widen and she takes a seat at the table next to me. “No manslaughter?”
I can feel the tears rising up in my throat. “They said she knew other people would potentially be harmed, and she just didn’t care.”
Grace exhales loudly. “Wow.”
I nod. “Yeah. She’s going to be tried as an adult.”
Grace’s eyes glaze over with tears. “I just want them to get a fair trial. I want people to walk away knowing just who Easten and Finn were.”
“I want that, too.” I place my hand on top of hers, squeezing reassuringly. “I have something to tell you.”
Grace shifts her eyes to meet mine.
“I think I want to publish a book of all of my ‘Finnisms’.”
“Finnisms?” she asks, confused.
“Yeah, all of his quotes and outlooks on life.”
Grace looks even more on the edge of crying. “I think that is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever been told.”
I pull her in for a quick hug. “Finn was the most beautiful person I’ve ever known, besides Easten of course. But she was a representation of him. I thought maybe I could create a blog, and with each Finnism, I could actually get out there and live it by traveling.”
Releasing her, I’m anxious to see her reaction.
“Oh, Tobin!” she exclaims. “I am so happy you finally figured out what you want to do. Would you keep the house, here in town?”
I shrug, shaking my head back and forth. “I don’t know. I’ve been toying with the idea of renting it out while I travel.”
“How long would you be gone?”
“Again, not something I’ve given a lot of thought to. This is all very preliminary.”
“What do your students think?” she continues to pry.
“I’m not sure…you’re the first person I’m talking to about this idea. I haven’t made any moves yet.” The idea of breaking the news to my students or even the faculty makes me extremely anxious. I’ve been with the school for eleven years and I’m one of the more tenured employees.
“I know, I know, you’re probably going to think I’m annoying, but where will you go?” She’s too adorable for me to ever be irritated with her.
“I was thinking maybe I might start in Greece and then head to Italy, and it’s kind of up in the air from there.”
She wipes a stray tear from her cheek. “I couldn’t have asked for a better daughter-in-law. I sure am going to miss you.”
I hear the door slam and heavy footsteps follow. Our eyes scan the surroundings to see who it is.
“Hey,” Keifer says, as he enters. I’m surprised to see him alone with no entourage today.
“Hi,” I say softly in unison with Grace.
Keifer makes his way to his aunt to give her a hug. He gives me a slight nod as he passes.
“Happy to see you made it,” Grace says, as he releases her and she goes back to check on her spaghetti.
He pulls out a chair across from me and plops down into it. He looks more casual today, wearing dark black jeans and a simple, black t-shirt. Sure enough, he has countless tattoos littering both arms. “So what’s up?”
“Tobin was just telling me that she is planning on doing some traveling and will be renting out her house while she’s gone. Didn’t you mention needing a place to stay?”
I snort unintentionally.
“What?” Keifer asks with a scowl.
“Oh, nothing. You’re just ‘Keifer Jacks’.” I use air quotes to accentuate my point. “Aren’t you worth more than all of us combined, and then some? I’m surprised you wouldn’t want to stay in one of those expensive suites at the Omni.”
Keifer’s eyes lower and his jaw tightens. “You really don’t know anything about me, do you?”
His words are not friendly, but I don’t take offense to them. He wasn’t around my entire life with Finn. I heard plenty of stories about him from the relatives, but he was always off on another adventure for his ‘fans’, traveling the world and raking in the dough. I think there was only one holiday he did spend amongst family and coincidentally it was our first Christmas with Easten, so we opted to stay home.
&nbs
p; “You’re right. I don’t know anything about you because you weren’t around. When I was living my life with Finn, you were globetrotting, filming all your crazy antics and getting paid for it. In all the time I knew Finn, you only called him a handful of times. I know he wanted you to be one of his groomsmen, but you were MIA most of that year. Isn’t it a sad thought that you will never be able to go back and get more time with him?” I know I’m bordering on bitchy, but Keifer isn’t exactly friendly either.
Keifer’s nostrils are flaring and I can tell I’ve upset him.
“I should probably get going,” I say, shuffling around to grab my purse.
“What?” Grace exclaims. “We haven’t even eaten yet. You have to stay to try my new spaghetti recipe!”
I shake my head gently. “Save me some, I’ll drop by tomorrow. I really need to get ahead on moving, otherwise I’m never going to be able to leave.”
“Oh, right! Keifer, would you mind helping Tobin with packing up her house? She’s been having difficulties with getting to Easten and Finn’s belongings. Maybe you could help her with figuring out which stuff she can keep and which stuff she should donate?” Grace is so naively aloof.
Keifer stares back at me with angry eyes. “I don’t think I’ll have time for that because I’m flying out tomorrow, for Cozumel.”
I scoff. “So much for sticking around.”
He stares back at me coldly. “Turns out there isn’t much here to stick around for, after all.”
Grace, still adorably confused, shakes her head. “Now don’t be silly, Keifer, there’s always family.”
Before – Seven Years Together
“Are you positive about this?” Finn asks me with a questioning stare.
“Umm, aren’t you a little late?” I joke, referring to all the furniture neatly placed in our new apartment.
“You’re not going to be able to get rid of me now,” he cracks, with a smile.
“Who says I want to?”
He embraces me then, kissing me on the neck. “I can’t believe we are really doing this. You have an interview Monday for your dream job and I need to start the application process for mine. Aren’t you glad we took the last year off and traveled?”
More than anything. Everyone should travel overseas at least once in their life. We were fortunate enough to spend six months traveling abroad with our graduation money and savings. We got to see London and France, Spain and Italy. We traveled to Thailand and Vietnam. I kiss him hoping it will satisfy him. “You’re my best friend, you know that?”
He nods with a smirk. “You’re mine, too, and the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“You know, it’s all downhill from here.”
Finn’s expression doesn’t waver. “I’m going to marry you.”
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, and Santa Claus is my best friend.”
He remains serious. “I’m going to make you Mrs. Finn Price.”
My head falls back as I laugh heartily. “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Of course, I want nothing more than to marry my best friend, but I’ve been hinting at it since we were in college…Finn has always had his future mapped out, and traveling and job experience were always before a wedding and starting a family. We’ve been together as long as some married couples, but the paper means something to me.
I blush. “Do you want to go christen our bed in our new apartment?”
His eyes widen. “Do I?” He scoops me up in his arms before continuing. “You don’t have to ask me twice.”
Life is in the Reactions
The doorbell startles me. “Who is it?” I shout from the kitchen, hoping they can hear me.
Instead of a reply, I hear the familiar creak of my front door opening and then shutting. Footsteps follow and when I spin around, Keifer is staring back at me.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, realizing it’s insensitive after the words have already left my lips.
He stares back at me, blankly. “Well, it sounded like you needed the help. Am I wrong?”
I do need the help, but also spent an hour looking for moving companies last night and calling for quotes. I’m prepared to call them and set everything up.
He plops down at my dining room table, his eyes unwavering.
“What happened to Cozumel?”
He shakes his head. “Changing my flight wasn’t a biggie. I figured I could do that much.”
Stirring the chili on the stove, my cheeks heat up. I don’t know why, but being around Keifer always throws me off kilter. I never feel in control. Turning around to face him, my breathing intensifies. “Look, I appreciate the offer, but you and I both know that we can’t really stand each other, so why put ourselves in that kind of a situation?”
His lip twitches, and I swear I see a hint of a smile playing behind his eyes. “Who said we can’t stand each other? And here I was thinking we were just beginning to get to know one another.”
I scoff, shaking my head. “I think I know enough. You’re annoying, self-centered, unmotivated. Shall I go on?”
His potential smile is wiped clean when my words begin to sink in. With a tight jaw, he pulls his shoulders back, stiffly. Maybe I took it too far.
Keifer pushes the dining room chair back across the floor, loudly, before stalking over to me. I’m already at the stove, so I feel cornered when he stands so close. My back is to him now, but his breath tickles the back of my neck and all the hairs on my body stand on end. “You don’t know a damn thing about me. The only thing you do know is what you think you know.” He takes another step toward me, into my bubble. He lowers his lips even closer to my ear. “And you don’t know jack shit.”
“Really?” I hiss, stepping away from him. “It doesn’t take more than a few seconds to pull up your YouTube channel and see the stupid stunts you do for money. What more is there to know?”
He makes a strange noise that sounds like a mix between a laugh and a groan. “You’ve got me all figured out. Congratulations.”
I’m feeling conflicted because technically, he’s right. I don’t know him. I have never even seen a clip of him or his channel, before. The most I know about him is through Finn and my own brief encounters, but they haven’t always been positive. “Well, what should I know about you?”
He raises his eyebrow in a surprised fashion. “I’m dangerous and no good.”
My eyes roll on their own accord. “I think we’ve already deduced that.”
He closes the distance between us before I can finish my sentence. “I’m serious, Tobin. You should stay far, far away.”
My breath catches in my throat and I’m finding it difficult to remember why I dislike him. “It’s a little too late for that. Plus, there is always a choice.”
His lips curl up into a hesitant smile. “I should go.”
“What? But you just got here…you haven’t even lifted a finger yet.”
He nods. “I know. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. I just realized that I have somewhere I need to be.” Within moments he’s gone.
“So, what’s the news? I haven’t seen you since last week. Tell me everything,” Torrie practically begs.
Handing her a bowl of white cheddar popcorn, I place two wine glasses on the coffee table. Rushing back into the kitchen, I grab the newly opened bottle of Pinot Noir. After pouring it, I lift my glass for a toast. “To moving, but not moving on. To living the life they deserved.”
We clink glasses and then both taste the expensive wine. It’s from Darioush, a winery Finn and I visited in Napa during one of his work trips. It was a gorgeous Persian winery with huge white pillars outside. We were saving it for a celebration. Today is as good a day as any.
“I went to see Finn, Easten, and Baby X yesterday.” I pause, breathing deeply. It probably would have been better for me to give the baby a name, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, after everything. Not when the baby wasn’t coming home with me.
Torrie’s eyes widen and then sadness engulfs her e
xpression. “How was it?”
“It was really hard.” Soul-wrenching, actually. Think of the most terrible thing in the entire world…it was ten times worse. I had a complete melt-down. It still makes me feel like the worst mother and wife in the world that it was the first time since the funeral I’ve been back.
“I’m sure it was. How is your arm feeling now that you don’t have the cast anymore?” She eyes me like I’m made of glass.
“It’s interesting. They said that for the first few weeks my bones are still going to be pretty brittle, so I should take it easy. I’ve never been more hyper-aware of how I move my arm or use it, until now. I’m so scared I’m going to reinjure it and really can’t take anything like that right now.”
“That’s understandable. Just don’t do anything crazy, and you’ll be fine.”
“Thanks for all of your help with this. I don’t know what I would have done if I was stuck with Keifer. It would have been torture.” After he ran off the other day, I decided to simply take matters into my own hands. I never needed his help to begin with.
“Yeah, what happened with that?” she asks.
I shrug. “I’m over Mr. YouTube. Can we send him back to his virtual reality?”
Torrie topples over with laughter. “You’re terrible.”
“I’m serious. He’s so full of himself. He thinks he’s God’s gift to women. I mean, you’ve seen him. What’s so special?”
Torrie stares at me like I have two heads. “First off, he’s worth a lot.”
I roll my eyes. “Money isn’t everything.”
“I wasn’t finished,” she quips, as she takes a drink of her wine. “He’s handsome.”
“To who?” His mysterious beard and dimples don’t impress me.
She laughs. “You’re in denial.”
“And you’re reaching,” I say more firmly. In another world, in another time, I’d have Finn back. I haven’t even thought of another guy like that, much less looked at one.
She shrugs. “Suit yourself. But Tobin, between you and me…you don’t have to explain your feelings to anyone and there is no room for guilt in any of your future decisions.”
