by Kira Adams
“I know that, but you have to know how hard this is for me,” I say, the tears not far behind.
He reaches out a hand and gently wipes the tear from my cheek. “This is about making new memories. You will always have the old ones, but it’s time to make new traditions.”
His hand is still on my cheek and it is radiating heat. Without fully realizing it, I’m leaning into his caress. As soon as I’m aware, I jerk away awkwardly.
He chooses not to respond to it and instead walks out silently. I know he’ll be back, and that’s what scares me. I can’t trust myself around him. He’s been surprising me in so many ways, lately. Everything that Finn told me about him has been tossed out the window because I have gotten to know him, the real Keifer. In many ways, other than Torrie, he’s my best friend, right now. He’s been there for me so much in the past few months. My feelings are getting tangled up when it comes to him. I’m so thankful I have him. I’m so guilty for feeling the way I do. My body wants him, while my mind talks sense into me. I know I’m walking a tight rope and sooner rather than later I will be faced with the uncomfortable dilemma. The worst part about all of this is that I know someone else is falling asleep with him and waking up to him, and it’s not me. And that cuts into me in so many more ways than one.
It’s Christmas Eve, and we’re making cookies—chocolate chip, walnut, oatmeal cookies to be exact. It’s one of Finn’s recipes. He made them last year for all his extended family, along with a batch of pickles he made himself. It was his first attempt at dill pickles, and while the flavor was spot on, the cucumbers he chose to pickle weren’t exactly the crunchiest. They all ended up being mushier than he had hoped for.
I laugh out loud from the memory and Keifer stares back at me questioningly.
I shrug. “It’s nothing. Just remembering last year’s festivities.”
“You want to tell me about it?” he asks.
“Nah, it’s okay.” I shake my head. “I’m having fun with you here.”
He smiles back at me, but I can tell it’s forced.
“Are you okay?”
He’s molding the cookies into perfectly round balls on the cookie sheet, when he stops suddenly. “You know, I love my life and there isn’t anything I would change about it, but sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I would have made it home for more holiday celebrations.”
I nod. “Family is important. When you have nothing and no one, you still have family.”
Keifer looks sad. “I’m such a free spirit. I’ve traveled the world and have an incredible life…but the one thing I’ve always wondered about is having a family of my own. Like people who care about me and miss me.”
His words make me feel for him. “You know, it’s never too late. You just have to want it and put effort into finding it.”
He looks defeated, so I take a step toward him, placing my hand on his shoulder. “You’re a good guy, Keifer. I know you don’t want people to know that, but I think it’s important. It shows your character. You’re so misunderstood because you allow your crazy antics on your channel to dictate who people think you are. You are always on the defensive, sometimes if you just relax and play offense a little, things will fall into place.”
His eyes lock with mine and it’s for a moment too long. It makes me uncomfortable, so I break the stare. His hand reaches up and he tips my chin toward him, forcing me to lock eyes with him again. “I’m not a good person, Tobin. Do I wish I was? More than anything, but I just don’t have it in me.”
I scoff. “Everyone has it in them. Nobody is born bad. That is something learned.”
The air grows thick around us as the silence takes over. I know I should step away from his hand on my face, but I’m frozen. “The cookies,” I say simply, hoping the distraction will work.
It does. His fingers drop from my face, but the heat still lingers. He walks over to the oven and pulls out our first two cookie sheets, placing them on the top of the stove to cool. Without warning, he spins back around so fast and begins stalking toward me. I’m unprepared when he reaches me and lowers his lips to mine.
Emotions are swirling around inside of me like a whirlpool. His lips on mine feel like heaven and hell at the same time. They burn with passion and desire and betrayal. My stomach is churning with butterflies and my mind is spinning out of control. The kiss only lasts a few seconds, but it leaves me breathless.
“Get out of my house.” The words fall from my lips before I can stop them. This is wrong. My entire body shudders and my heart plummets. I can already feel the tears stinging the backs of my eyes.
“What?” he asks shocked. Still, he backs up a few inches.
My head is spinning, and I feel like I’m going to be sick. Pressing the back of my hand against my lips, I try to focus my energy on anything other than my churning stomach.
He cocks his head at me, watching me intently. “You can deny it all you want, Tobin. Hell, I want nothing more than to forget it altogether…but you and I both know there is something else here, whether you want to admit it or not.”
“You insensitive, little pariah,” I snarl. Rushing at him with full force, I begin throwing punches at his chest.
He grabs my arms, instantly stopping me. “There’s nothing wrong with the way that I make you feel. Nothing.”
“You’re delusional,” I bite. “Six months ago, I was married and had a family. A beautiful, healthy daughter and the most incredible man in the universe. You think you could ever compare to him? You’re wrong.”
His grip loosens immediately, and he releases me. “You’re right, Finn was a good man. He’s always been…but that doesn’t make me any less of one.”
I shake my head. “Get out.”
“I live here currently, if you’ve forgotten,” he says with a tight lip. “Look, I’m sorry if I misread the situation. I’ve just been feeling some kind of way and I thought it was reciprocated. My bad.”
My emotions are spiraling out of control. I want to punch him, kick him, cry, scream, jump his bones, and more. I don’t know who I am and it’s scaring the shit out of me. “Please, just go. I just need a little time alone.”
He holds his hands up in surrender and then walks out deflated. I feel guilty for kicking him out, I feel guilty for kissing him back, I feel guilty for letting him live here.
Muffling a scream, I kick the cabinet next to the stove. I feel dirty and I feel wrong.
Accept What is, Let Go of What Was, and Have Faith in What Will Be
Christmas was interesting. Even though I kicked Keifer out the night before, I knew we would have to see one another at Grace’s holiday celebration. My mother drove out from Oregon with Troy, and it was nice to catch up with some of Finn’s extended family.
Keifer looked handsome as ever in a black and white holiday sweater that was a turtleneck. It looked like something you would find on a wholesome fatherly figure, not the rugged and dangerous looking Keifer. He paired it with dark jeans and it complemented his beard and dark eyes. I tried everything I could to keep my eyes off him, all day, but I could feel his on me. They burned into my skin.
During dinner, he chose to sit directly across from me forcing me to make conversation with everyone else, so that I didn’t have to stare into his intense gaze. I worried that everyone could sense the tension, but at the end when we were saying goodbye, they all seemed oblivious.
He didn’t come home that night. We went our separate ways after, and I spent all night thinking about him. He didn’t come home the next night either, and yet again I was left thinking of him and my betrayal to Finn and his family. I don’t think me moving on to Keifer, after Finn, would sit very well with them.
Most of Christmas was spent drowning in my tears. This was our family’s favorite holiday and I wished for nothing more than one more day with them. Keifer brought a tree home and we and decorated it and made cookies …but nothing is the same as it was. On Christmas day there were only three presents under the tree. One
for Grace, one for Torrie & Doug, and one for Keifer. My Mother and Troy insisted that I save my money. They tend to re-gift things, so I can’t say I’m terribly disappointed.
Unsure of what to get Keifer, I went with something that any guy his age would love: a nice bottle of whiskey. Who doesn’t crave a good swig of whiskey every now and then? He hasn’t opened it yet since he’s been avoiding the house, but I still hope he comes back sometime soon to see it.
I worry that I overreacted the other night by kicking him out or that I underreacted for Finn and Easten’s sake. Every night, my mind tries to think of what Finn would want me to do. If he would be heartbroken or happy for me. If he would encourage me to chase my happiness no matter the outcome or if he would tell me to proceed with caution. I wish I could still talk to him. His advice would be so helpful right now. The pain in my chest from missing him is stronger than anything I’ve ever felt.
The door opens, breaking me from my thoughts. My eyes shift to the clock on the microwave and see that it’s close to seven at night. I’m sitting at the kitchen table, so he’s sure to stumble upon me soon.
The door closes behind him and I anxiously await his footsteps. Entering the kitchen, his head comes into view first and he’s had a haircut. He is so good-looking, it’s not even funny. “Hey.” He drops his backpack to the ground and pulls out a chair beside me.
“Hey.” I’m scared to look him in the eyes. I’m scared he’ll be able to see everything hidden inside of me. Lust, heartache, want, need, depression.
“Look, I just came back to get my stuff. I’m going back to New York for a little bit before Colombia and Peru.”
My heart sinks and my eyes immediately search his. “You’re leaving?” The tone in my voice is hysterical and it surprises Keifer.
He blinks a few times before speaking. “Tobin, we both know this isn’t healthy.”
“What?” I dare him to say it out loud. We’ve been dancing around it for too long now. At least I have. It’s time to face it head on.
He stares back at me pleading silently. He doesn’t want to say the words out loud. If he does, there’s no going back. “Tobin…”
“It’s not healthy because I’m a widow pining after her deceased husband’s cousin. It’s not healthy because your cousin died and now you’re feeling something for his widow. I know this feeling is wrong, but I can’t turn it off. I’m going to hell.”
Keifer is staring back at me with an open mouth. He didn’t think I’d go there. “I’ve wanted you since the first moment I laid eyes on you.”
“You were with another woman,” I scoff.
He shrugs. “That doesn’t matter. I’m a terrible person. I met you at my cousin’s funeral, the same cousin you were married to, and the only thing on my mind was how damn beautiful you were. So beautifully sad.”
I gasp, unintentionally holding my breath.
“I told you I’m not a good person. Look at how I treated you back then. Other people’s feelings don’t matter to me. I do what I want, when I want.”
I’m staring back at him, wide-eyed. “That’s not true. If it were, you wouldn’t have let me throw you out. You would have called the shots that night.”
He pulls my chair closer to his and now his legs are on either side of mine. I’m boxed in. My breathing intensifies, and my eyes do anything they can not to get lost in his. “Don’t be confused, if I wanted you that day I would have had you naked underneath me. It wasn’t the right time, and it won’t ever be because this is wrong.”
I’m trembling from his words, my body heat rising. He begins to back away, but I grab his arm stopping him. Slowly, his eyes meet mine and there is an understanding there. He can’t leave, not now. We are too far into this. Reaching his hand out, he runs his fingers through my hair. Within moments, our foreheads are touching, and he is breathing me in. Goosebumps are trailing my entire body.
“God, you have no idea how badly I want you, how badly I want this.” He tilts his head back and forth, fighting something inside of himself.
“Then do it,” I bait him. I’m unsure what has gotten into me, but I’m not going to fight it.
It’s like slow motion when his lips meet mine. The kiss is soft and sensual, but coupled with his rough beard it’s almost animalistic. At first, it’s as though I’m drowning, and his kiss holds the air I need to survive. As time goes on, we fall into a rhythm and end up tangled in each other into the wee hours of the morning. It doesn’t go further than kissing, but if our lips aren’t touching every few minutes, it’s as if we will die.
When the morning finally rolls around, we still haven’t slept a wink, too wrapped up in one another to get any rest. We moved the make out session to my bedroom late last night and have been here ever since. His arms are wrapped around me tightly and right now he is trailing his fingers over my left ear while he gently presses his lips to the top of my hair. Every so often, he will tilt my face, so he can press his lips to mine and then he will go back to kissing my forehead and hair.
“What are we going to do?” I ask, breaking the spell we’ve been under for the past eleven hours.
His embrace tightens on me and he pulls me in closer to him. “We are going to keep this between us until we feel comfortable to break the news to everyone else.”
“What about New York?” The thought of him leaving after everything that’s transpired fills me with unwanted anxiety.
He presses his lips to my hair again, calming me. “If you think I’m going anywhere, anytime soon, you’re sorely mistaken.”
As soon as the words leave his lips, my lips are on his. The guilt is still there, in the bottom of my stomach, but I’ve been able to keep it at bay. What happened was nothing short of a tragedy, but I lived. I deserve to be happy and to find love again. It was questionable in the beginning, but I’ve come to love the person I’m becoming. She’s fun, adventurous, caring, and most of all open to new experiences. Open to new people.
I don’t know where this leaves us, but I’m open to the unknown.
The Pain You Feel Today Will Be the Strength You Feel Tomorrow
It’s New Year’s Eve, and while most people want to go out on the town, I want the complete opposite. It’s been a couple of days since Keifer and I crossed that imaginary line. We both know there is no going back now, and we’re okay with that. We are open to facing the consequences together, whatever those may be.
Because it’s still so new and fresh, I want to keep it our little secret. Instead of partying like most of the world tonight, we will be celebrating hermit-style, with Chinese takeout and pay-per-view. Might sound lame to some, but it’s all I’ve been looking forward to. Especially since he will be leaving for Colombia in a day and a half.
It’s been so long since I’ve felt the butterflies or the spark, and I don’t want to lose those feelings. It’s like the best kind of anxiety. The one that makes your palms sweaty and your knees weak.
Keifer has been a complete gentleman. While sex has been on my mind nonstop, he hasn’t pressured me in the least. It’s been over seven months since the last time I was intimate with Finn, and my body has been in overdrive the past few weeks. Even the slightest touch sends tingles throughout my legs and arms. He finds enjoyment out of making me squirm, but it’s only making me want to jump his bones even more. The only thing that has been holding me back is the fact that I’m falling so quickly for him. He doesn’t know it yet, but every kiss, every longing stare sends me closer to the edge. Sex would topple me over and I’d be done for.
The guilt of falling in love with anyone other than Finn has been weighing on my mind and heart a lot lately. He would want me to be happy, there’s no question about that, but deep down I’m worried that if I give my heart away to Keifer, there won’t be any of it left for Finn. My mind tells me that’s silly talk, but my heart disagrees.
“Hey, you’re really quiet tonight. Is everything okay?” he asks, dishing up his beef and broccoli.
Nodding, a sm
all smile falls upon my lips. “Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if we met before the accident?”
His eyes widen and he seems surprised by my question. “All the time. Why?”
Shrugging, I help myself to the hot and sour soup in front of me. “Wonder if we would have gotten along or not.”
Keifer chuckles. “Sure, but there would have been unspoken chemistry and sexual attraction. Something we both felt but couldn’t act on.”
“You think so?”
He nods, taking a bite of his food. “And you know what? We would have felt like terrible people, but neither one of us would have ever done anything about it. We both loved Finn too much for that.”
Shaking my head, the thoughts take over making me feel dirty. You could relate it to something like masturbating. Everyone does it, but no one likes to talk about it. No one wants to admit that they have a daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly ritual of pleasing themselves because they don’t want to be judged for it. It’s all so taboo. The same could be said if Keifer and I had met earlier in life. We wouldn’t have been able to be together, but the unspoken pull we feel to one another may have been incited in the earlier days.
Honestly though, everything happens for a reason. There was a reason that Finn and Easten were allowed to be in my life for only so many years. Probably so I could know what it felt like to be a caretaker and to be loved so wholeheartedly without question.
Silence falls upon the room as we both eat. Occasionally his eyes land on me and I don’t even need to turn my head to know. I can feel them burning my skin, staring into my soul. Every few moments he brings his hand up and gently pets my hair, his fingers lingering on the back of my neck. He’s so gentle and different than the first few times we met. It makes me wonder if he was such a douchebag originally because he was fighting something inside himself.
Not bothering to fill the empty air, he cleans up our dishes after we finish and then follows me to the couch. “What do you want to watch?” I ask, grabbing the remote and flipping to the guide.
