by Jill Shalvis
surrounded by a few leftover brownies, before she burst into tears and then consumed every last crumb.
Damn idiot man! How many ways were there to screw this up? And had she found them all yet? Miserable, she stood up to make herself another batch of brownies.
Katie opened her eyes. The bright sunlight pierced her eyeballs, making her moan miserably and burrow into her pillow.
“Yeah, vodka’s only fun for a few hours. They should probably put that on the bottle.”
Crap. Risking losing her sight, she squinted her eyes open again. She was in her bed. With the shades up, sunlight streaming in.
And the sexiest, most ridiculously good-looking man she’d ever seen in her life was in bed with her. “Hey,” she whispered.
“Hey, yourself, Goldilocks. Any more bad dreams?”
“No.” And that was the good news. “What are you doing in my bed?”
“You don’t remember?”
She remembered the trip into town to thank Harley.
She remembered the vodka shots.
The wishing on the falling star.
And then Cam, finding her, Serena, and Harley lying on the snow on the sidewalk staring up at those stars.
And…
And nothing.
Try as she might, she couldn’t remember anything past that. Narrowing her eyes at him, she lifted the covers to see if she was still dressed.
She wore her bra and panties. Okaaaaay…
Cam was looking pretty damn amused, so she lifted the covers higher to see his body, but found him fully dressed. “Why am I half naked and you’re not?”
“Are you asking me to get half naked?”
“That would be great, except—” She sat up, then groaned and held her head, because otherwise it might fall off.
“Yeah,” he said at her groan of misery. “I wouldn’t recommend any fast movements after six shots of vodka.”
“Three. I only had three.”
“Serena pours doubles.”
“Crap.”
Still looking amused, he rolled over and out of bed, stretching that long, leanly muscled body before running his hand over his hair to tame it. Not fair. He looked great. It would take her an hour minimum to get even halfway to great.
“Back to what was our first argument,” he said, his morning voice husky and sounding like sin. “You snore way louder than I do.”
“I do not!”
His eyes were lit, his mouth full of laughter. “Oh yeah, you do.”
“Wait a minute. We didn’t…?” She waggled a finger back and forth between them. “Did we?”
He looked more curious than guilty. “You really don’t remember?”
“Nothing past you showing up at Wishful Delights.”
“Ah,” he answered sagely.
Dammit! “How did I get in my underwear, Cam?”
He rocked back on his heels. “Keep thinking.”
Ohmigod. “Please fill in the blanks.”
“I put you in my truck and drove you home, but we made a stop first. Well, two. One at the doc’s for supplies for Annie, and one to do donuts in the snow because you begged me to.”
“I did not beg—” Oh God. “I did. I remember that part now, and then I remember—Oh no.”
“Yeah,” he said with a nod.
She groaned through her fingers. “You saw me puke.”
“I held back your hair. I believe I get brownie points for that.”
She sighed miserably. “And then…?”
“I brought you home.”
“Where you took off my clothes?”
“You don’t remember your little striptease?”
She stared at him as the rest of it all came slamming back into her. Pulling off her shirt. Getting it stuck on her own head. Shucking out of her pants without taking off her boots first—
“Oh God,” she moaned.
“Yeah, there it is.”
“Oh no. No, no, no…Tell me it didn’t happen.”
“I’m afraid it did.”
She covered her face. “I don’t know what’s worse, puking in front of you, or the striptease, or being so bad at it.”
“Definitely the puking.” He shrugged at her expression. “Okay, so that was a rhetorical question, sorry.”
“Oh my God.”
“You’ve said that.”
She wasn’t ever going to be able to look at him again. “So we really didn’t…”
His lips quirked. “Nah, I prefer my women conscious.” He opened the second set of shades and she cringed, diving under the covers. “Sorry, Goldilocks. You have work. End of the month stuff, and you know how Stone loves his reports. So does T.J., who’s going to be home tomorrow.”
Oh, God. Another Wilder. She couldn’t handle the two she had. “What time is it?”
He tugged the covers off her head. Looking way too cheerful, he said, “Past time for you to get your cute little ass out of bed.”
She sat up and moaned at the quick movement.
He was watching her, both sympathetic and annoyingly not hungover. “You going to live?”
“Yes,” she lied. Because with a bottle of aspirin, maybe she’d have a shot, but it was not going to be pretty. “I’m good. You can consider yourself relieved of baby-sitting duty.”
She’d have figured he couldn’t wait to run out of here, but he took the time to lean in and kiss her. “Try some pain reliever.”
“Oh, I’m all over that, trust me.”
“Good.” He paused, smile fading. “Katie, about your dream.”
“What about it?”
“I know you say you’re doing great and everything is all just peachy, but can that be true if you’re still dreaming like that?”
She felt herself close up just a little. “It was a fairly big trauma. I think it’s understandable.”
“It is. It absolutely is. It shook you up, left you grieving and guilty, and—”
“Guilty?”
His gaze, stark and green and unfathomable, met hers, and something inside her tightened uncomfortably. “You know,” she said. “You had a trauma too. I’d think you’d get it.”
“I do. But mine didn’t involve survivor’s guilt. Mine was my own stupidity, and my own fault, so I have no one to blame but myself. I think that’s why I sleep at night, because I know it, I accept it.”
“You accept it? Is that why you roamed the planet for a year?”
“Okay, so it took me a while,” he said quietly, not rising to the bait. “I fully admit that. I let it fuck with my head, but I’m working that out now. You—”
“Are fine.” Dammit, her heart hurt, and she didn’t know why. “I’m fine. You’re right, my situation is different from yours. I wasn’t living my life, I was just breathing through it. Now I’m doing things differently. Taking chances—”
“You went looking for something else in your life, something to soothe the ache. I get that. I believe in that. But I’m beginning to believe something else too. Yes, you took a chance leaving LA, but don’t mistake it for what it is. Maybe you’ve risked a new lifestyle, you’ve certainly risked life and limb on certain adventures out here, but as for the biggie, your heart, you haven’t put that on the line at all. Instead, you ran away from your world to escape the memories.”
She couldn’t scarcely breathe. “Don’t even try to tell me you know what it’s like to put your heart on the line.”
“I realize I haven’t mastered that particular skill. Haven’t even tried. But at least I know the difference between being a little reckless and truly taking chances. And you, Katie Kramer, aren’t truly taking chances. You’re hiding.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it? Then tell me about the accident. All of it.”
“Now’s not a good time.”
“When would a good time be?”
“Never. Does never work for you?”
He was quiet a moment. Then he let out a very quiet, very final sounding “fine,”
and walked to the door.
She didn’t stop him, and when he was gone, she let out a breath. Her throat was burning, but she was not going to cry. Instead, she stood up. Bolstered by the fact that she didn’t die, she headed to the shower, stopping short at the sight of herself in the mirror. It took her a whole five seconds to form another “Ohmigod.” Her hair was…well, wild was too kind a word. Rioted came far closer to the truth. Her mascara had run in attractive rivulets beneath her eyes, and she was pale as a ghost. Actually, she looked like death warmed over.
And she’d blown it with Cam. Irrevocably, irreversibly blown it. Not able to go there without wanting to lose it, she got into the steaming shower and then rushed through her morning routine because she was already late.
She ran, while holding her head, up the stairs of the lodge, skidding to a painful halt in front of her desk, behind which sat Stone. The last time she’d seen him, she’d been in his brother’s truck, where they’d clearly been attempting to jump each other’s bones. She had no idea how he felt about that, but she had a feeling she was going to find out.
Stone was wearing snow gear, signaling that he had imminent plans to go outside. He was frowning, signaling irritation, which just might be her fault. And he was rifling through her files, managing with his sheer size to make her chair and desk seem very small.
“Hey,” he said without looking up. “I need to see the printout of receivables from last month. T.J. wanted to know about—”
“I’m sorry I’m late.”
“Yeah, no problem. I probably could have found it in the computer, but mine isn’t booted up yet.”
“Stone, I’m really sorry.”
He looked at his watch. “It’s only five after eight.”
“That’s not what I mean.” Guilt and remorse tightened her throat. “I’m sorry about the other thing.”
“Which?”
“Yesterday. When you found me in Cam’s truck and we were—”
He winced. “Listen, we—”
“You don’t have to worry about anything. I’m leaving soon, and—”
“Katie.”
She took a breath. “Yeah?”
“The thing with you and Cam? If he’s happy, I’m good. And you should know, he seems happier now than I can remember him being. I think that’s because of you.”
“That might have just recently changed. Big time.”
Stone looked into her eyes. “What did he do?”
“Actually, I did it.”
“Ah.” He just looked at her a moment, his eyes so like Cam’s. “He’s pretty tough. I imagine if you told him your feelings and he retreated, he just needs to think. He’s a thinker, our Cam, and—”
“My feelings?”
“You know. How you feel about him.”
“I don’t know how I feel—” But she did. She so did. “You don’t understand,” she whispered, her throat thick. “I’ve hammered him and hammered him to open up, to share, and then when it came right down to it, when he asked me for the same, I backed off.”
“Well, welcome to the Wilder House, where we all screw up, and often. Luckily, we’re hardheaded but pretty forgiving. You’ll figure it out, and so will he.” Standing up, he gave her a shoulder squeeze, then took the file he needed and left her alone.
She leaned back against her desk. She’d figure it out? When? And how? She was leaving in less than a week.
Being at Wilder had truly been one of the most amazing experiences of her life, and she knew for many reasons, on so many levels, she’d never forget it. Never forget him—
The entire lodge suddenly shook with a loud, thundering boom. In blind panic, she whirled, and plowed right into Cam’s hard chest.
“Hey.” He pulled her in close. “Hey, it’s okay, it’s just Nick closing one of the steel doors on the Dumpster outside.”
She lifted her head. Her ears were ringing. “What?”
“I know, it’s loud as hell, but it’s not gunshots if that’s what you were thinking.”
“No, I—” She’d been thinking of the shuddering boom sound the bridge had made right before it’d collapsed, but she swallowed hard and fought for composure, which meant relaxing the fingers that had fisted tight in his shirt. “Just caught me off guard that’s all!”
“It’s more than that.” He backed up. “You want to be mad at me for earlier, for what I said, fine, but at least admit it. You dwell on the past as much as I have.”
“I have nothing to admit,” she said coolly, her heart still hammering. “And less than nothing to be dwelling over. I didn’t lose a career. A life. A loved one. In fact, I’ve lost nothing, so I feel obligated to do the opposite of dwell.” All in the name of those who hadn’t lived.
“Katie.” His hands were on her arms, still steadying her, when Stone poked his head out of the office. He took one look at her and frowned in concern.
“What’s the matter?” he asked.
“Nothing.”
“She’s lying,” Cam said.
“You be quiet.” She moved past him to the filing cabinet. He’d showered and smelled like heaven, of course. He’d also changed into a pair of threadbare jeans that were so loose they’d sunk low on his hips, and a long-sleeved Henley that smelled so good she wanted to bury her nose in it again.
Or maybe that was the man himself.
Stone had said she had feelings for him, and Stone had been right. She loved him. She loved him and had no idea what to do with that.
Annie came up the stairs and as she did every day, tossed the day’s mail onto Katie’s desk. She wasn’t smiling and was back in her baggy clothes. Her apron said: EAT ME. “Don’t start,” she said, then turned to Cam and Stone. The three of them stared at each other awkwardly.
“Stone told you,” Annie said to Cam.
“I’m trying to forget it if that helps.”
“Stone told Cam what?” Katie asked.
“Nothing,” Annie said.
They all stared at each other some more.
“Okay, seriously,” Katie said. “What’s going on?”
The silence got even heavier. “Okay, here’s an idea. Maybe each of us should just spit out our problem and move on.”
“We already talk plenty.” Annie sent the guys a scathing look. “We see plenty. I’m going on record as not needing to be seen again.”
“Why don’t you go first?” Cam said to Katie, arching a brow.
“Fine. I was stupid enough to get drunk last night, okay? I needed a ride home, and then I puked. I puked in front of Cam, which means now I can’t even look him directly in the eyes. There.” She let out a breath and tossed up her hands. “I feel so much better. Now who’s next?”
“That’s not what I meant,” Cam said quietly.
“Hey, I get brownie points for going first. One thing at a time. Who’s next?”
They all just looked at her. Not a single one of them was free with their feelings, and who was she to judge? At least they loved each other, through thick and thin, to hell and back. Sure, their love was in the form of yelling and shoving and bullying, but it
