by RJ Heaton
“Mmm, this is delicious … is this how spaghetti is supposed to taste?” I smile, but Joe’s comment gets him a smack on the arm.
They like to heckle each other, but they really are one of the cutest couples ever. Heather is forty-three, and Joe is only a year older. He in no way looks forty-four. He keeps his hair short, almost military style, and his work as a fireman drives him to stay fit. Heather is on the average side. We are about the same height at five feet, five inches tall. We always joke that I can wear her clothes, but she can’t borrow mine. It’s not like she’s a lot bigger than me she might weigh one-hundred-fifty pounds to my one-hundred-thirty, but a lot of hers is in her chest. Somehow she ended up with the hooters and never shared any with me. The real difference between us; is my auburn red hair and she has a soft brunette coloring. It’s funny how similar all the females in the family actually look.
A knock on the front door pulls Joe away. “Look who came to visit.”
“Hi Aunt Heather, hi Momma.”
“Lexie.”
“It smells good in here.” she lifts her nose in the air.
“Are you hungry? Your mom made spaghetti for dinner.”
“Mom cooked?” she raises her brows at me. “Of course I’m hungry. I love her spaghetti.”
Everything almost seems normal tonight—almost.
Lexie stays through dinner, ice cream, and a movie. I’m surprised I’m even able to stay awake after the day I’ve had.
“I filled out a couple of last-minute college scholarship applications today.”
I look at her quizzically, “I thought you already were awarded pretty much a full ride?”
“Well, I was,” Lexie pulls the blanket up—covering me. “For the most part my classes and books will be covered, but if I need anything extra; living costs, phone bill, and such. I just think it would be nice if I could get the extra help.”
“Honey, you know that your dad and I said that we will cover that.”
She swallows hard and twirls her hair nervously around her finger, “That was before.”
I know that she is referring to—before the accident and her dad and I splitting. And who am I fooling, I haven’t even called Bryar’s, the restaurant I have been working in the last seventeen years. I don’t even know what to say ‘hey, sorry I left you hanging for the last couple of months. I sure do need to work, oh but about that … I can’t stand yet, or use my right arm’.
My financial situation is probably not at its best right now. Heather had mentioned to me something about a lawyer and an Insurance company, but my main focus has been getting out of bed. Damn Sean—I’m so angry at him. He literally has destroyed my whole life.
“Momma, don’t worry about it right now. Let’s just get you up and dancing again.”
I look at my daughter and see her hurt-filled eyes … it breaks my heart, “Let’s start with walking,” I say.
Eleven
Warm sunrays bounce off my shoulders. The wide, goofy grin Sean gives me makes my heart swell. I look around. We’re alone in the grass clearing and I know exactly what he’s thinking. That twinkle in his eyes, the swagger in his step, Sean reaches around me and plants light kisses starting on my cheek tracing down my neck. I love the way he makes me feel. Everything is perfect as he begins to make sweet love to me in the field. I moan in pleasure, the groans getting louder and louder.
I fling my eyes open—the noises aren’t coming from me. Pitch black clouds … no not clouds, crows, thousands and thousands of black crows circle above us. Their wings are beating against the wind—loud ear wrenching squawks reverberating in the air. I watch in horror as they spin faster. The birds no longer distinguishable, as they form a funnel cloud heading straight down—toward us. Sean is oblivious … smiling down happily at me, and then—he’s gone. Wisped away by the tornado of birds–I’m left unscathed—lying flat on my back, alone.
I wake with a start. My heart is hammering against my chest. My room is dark and as I come back to complete consciousness, the horror of nothingness settles in again. I’m still alone. My children—besides Ben—still live in the home I raised them in with their father, Sean, and … his new girlfriend. I miss my life—painfully. I want my happy home back. For another night, I cry myself back to sleep.
***
“Really? You want me to fix your hair?”
I glare at my sister, “yes please. I just need a little help. After all, I did get this new hairdo. I guess I should at least do something with it.” I’m not exactly sure why I am going through the steps to fancy myself up today. I mean really what are the chances of Ethan being my therapist again today? However, it wouldn’t hurt to make myself look a little human anyway. No matter what, I decide to exchange the nasty ugly brown swimsuit from the hospital and replace it with my favorite two-piece turquoise suit.
I almost feel giddy on the car ride to the hospital. The nightmare is stowed away in the back of my mind for now. I’m not going to think about that right now.
“You seem different today.” Heather says as we wait for the nurse at the desk.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not quite sure, but definitely different.”
I don’t tell her in the back of my mind that … I’m hoping I have a twenty-seven-year-old hottie—I get to drool over for the next hour. With everything I have going on, I’ll keep that little thought of heaven to myself. Thankfully she doesn’t pry.
Miss Young Cheery is the nurse to come and get me from the front desk. “Are you ready?” I nod.
“I’ll see you in an hour, Nikki.” I feel bad for Heather as I watch her turn to leave. All this extra running around for me has to be throwing off her whole schedule.
I listen to Tiffany babble about the amazing night out she had with her girlfriends and how her headache is finally going away. “Super cute swimming suit.” That at least gets a smile out of me. I look around a little too anxiously while she wheels me to my normal spot on the edge of the pool.
I inhale sharply—there he is; His sandy blonde hair, his sculpted physique wearing lime green and orange swim trunks. I feel like a school girl.
“Nikki!” Hearing his enthusiasm saying my name ignites hope. I hope he’s just as excited to see me as I am him.
Thankfully, Tiffany doesn’t linger too long, and Ethan sets off to help me into the harness. I feel helpless, and I wish I could do more to help out. “Nice swimming suit. The color is umm… nice on you.” Accidently, he brushes his hand on my leg, or maybe it wasn’t an accident. Sparks hum to life, even to the parts of me that feel dead. My arm jumps in response to his touch. “Well, that’s a good sign.” A moment of awkwardness looms in the air, “How about we get this started?”
“Yeah… great!” I sound too eager, but I can’t seem to control my emotions—antsy. Discriminately, my eyes dance over his well-toned body during our session. I feel like I’m browsing a Candy Shoppe, and right now he might be my favorite flavor. “What do you do for fun?” I ask nervously.
Oh my god that dimple … he smiles warmly at me and his steel blue eyes hypnotize me. “I like to hike and bike. I enjoy the outdoors.”
Sean never did like the outdoors much. I grew up camping, hunting, fishing, and enjoying outdoor activities, but I could never get him to do much other than to play video games and watch TV. I had always found it strange living in the northwest that he had no outdoor interests. I guess it was probably because he had come from Illinois. He was raised with a completely different up-bringing.
“It shows.” My tongue moves at its own accord revealing I’ve noticed how good he looks.
He just smiles. “I also enjoy kicking back at home, maybe watch a good movie or read a good book.”
“You like to read?”
“Yes, I read a lot.”
I didn’t take him as a reader, but the more I learn there seems to be a lot more to him than just his good looks. Ethan works around me and grabs both of my wrists—my backside to his front side. He
outstretches both of our arms perpendicular to my body and begins to slowly make small circles slightly above the water. If he only took one step forward my body would be pressed against his. My focus is no longer on the movements of my arms. I can only imagine him closer against me as I feel the electricity crackling in the air around us.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” The question seems so personal, yet, sensual. That might have something to do with the proximity of our bodies. I close my eyes getting lost in that fact when he whispers softly in my ear, “Do you want to tell me about it?”
“About?” I breathe out heavy. He has to be able to tell what he is doing to my libido right now. Wish granted—he steps closer. My body is now soaring … heat slithering through my veins like burning hot lava.
“What happened?”
I’m not sure what to tell him. My head is buzzing with conflicting emotions. I don’t think that I should mention Sean. Call me crazy, but I’m sure the last thing that Ethan wants to hear is about my marriage drama. He moves to lift my arms above my head like a slow motion jumping jack, and I feel him press against me. In this moment, I know I am affecting him too.
“I was in a car accident.” I blurt out, trying to say something—anything—to distract me. I look around to see if people are watching us. I wonder what they would think seeing me with a much younger guy wrapped up so close to me. Would it disgust them?
“Just you, or were there other people involved?”
That stings. I hate that I am still here while Lance is gone. I breathe out hard not realizing I had been holding my breath.
“My friend was driving … he was killed.”
“I’m so sorry,” he says while bringing my hands back down to the water. For some reason though, I feel like he really is sincere when he tells me he’s sorry.
“I don’t remember much. I was in a coma for a couple of months.”
“I’m thankful,” he says, confusing me.
“Excuse me?”
“I’m thankful that you survived and that I have the pleasure to work with you.”
Goosebumps erupt from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. This kid has seriously got my panties in a bunch. I try to push the bumps away before he notices. I ponder how wrong it is for me to be eyeballing Ethan. If he were my son I would probably be chastising him to find someone his own age—not that anything is going on between Ethan and I. Right now, I’m just enjoying the view.
Our hour session flew by way too quickly. I can’t seem to get the feeling of his body pressed to mine out of my head. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions, I just met this guy, and I can’t seem to get him out of my head. The old Nikki would never sit and think about another man like this. I have got to get my head on straight.
Heather is late, and I wish she would show up. I hate sitting here in a wheelchair looking hopeless. An attractive brunette with a pair of tight skinny jeans and a silky chiffon top keeps looking at me disgusted. She glances at her watch periodically and keeps tapping her toes. I feel as impatient as her, but I don’t think even I can pull off her perma-scowl.
“It’s about time.” She snaps to someone coming up behind me. It amuses me how full of herself she is. If she only had a clue how quick it could all change in just a blink of an eye.
A pair of blue jeans brushes past me, “Sorry I was with a patient. I was trying to hurry.” My mouth drops when Ethan kisses the brunette’s cheek. “I really did try to hurry.” A lump in my throat closes off my airway. See Nikki … he has a hot, tight, young girlfriend. You’re just a patient, my subconscious yells at me. I turn my head, not wanting to be a spectator, and when I look up they’re both gone.
Twelve
Heather is twenty minutes late picking me up, but I have no place to reprimand her. After all she is doing me the favor by not leaving my butt here.
“Thank God it’s Friday,” she says when we get into her car. She looks exhausted. There’s no doubt in my mind that I am adding to some of those weary lines. I just wish I could speed up this healing process and get back on my own two feet again. I need to be out of her hair, so I’m not stressing her out.
“Mom and Dad want us to come over for dinner tomorrow night.”
“That sounds nice.” I haven’t seen my parents since I woke up. My mother has apologized repeatedly over the phone. I have told her that I understand. I really do. I know how difficult it is for them to get around especially since my seventy-year-old mother has been taking care of our father who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s two years ago. God bless her for taking such good care of him. Even on his bad days, she is always right there.
“She wants us to bring rolls and salad.”
“That sounds easy enough.” I reply, “Right now I am just happy I don’t have therapy for two days.”
“How’s that going?” I don’t hear any kind of hidden innuendos—like, yeah how is that going? Are you ready to work yet? I’m the one who is probably the most impatient over all of this.
“It’s good … look what I can do.” I have to concentrate really hard, but very slowly I close my fingers into themselves—not a full fist yet, but movement in itself is a huge feat.
“Man that’s weird.”
I look at her like she’s a psycho, “weird, I move my hand, and it’s weird?”
“No that’s not what I meant. You moving is awesome. It’s just the fact that splashing around in a pool for a week and a half is helping so much.”
“Yeah, that is pretty weird actually.”
She smiles at me and gives me a quick wink, “do you think if I ate Twinkies all day it could make my butt smaller?”
“I guess anything is possible.” We both laugh and joke for the remainder of the drive home about dietary miracles.
***
Morning dawns and I wake excited. Until, I remember its Saturday. I have no therapy today. I lay my head back down with a forced exhale. I’m absolutely pathetic; I think to myself. Sometimes it would be nice to be male. How often do men sit and revel in moments that … probably mean nothing? Nope, leave that up to us pining women. We’re always looking in between the lines stretching and reaching for subtle hints or messages—a sign. I want to think that Ethan feels something for me. Did I not feel his attraction pressed against me in the pool? But … what about that girl? The girl he kissed. I stare at the beige ceiling, confused.
“UGH …”
I reluctantly force myself out of bed. Maybe, this weekend will turn out better than I hope.
Dinner was nice. My mother, of course, had her sister, Delores over, along with Heather, Joe, their two kids, and me with my three. Mathew said about two words to me. He’s still angry and confused about our malfunctioning home-life. At least everyone else was fun to be around. It was still rough to see my kids heading home without me. My sister and Joe must have seen my discomfort, and they tried to compensate my mood by swinging through DQ. I was stuffed from all of the pot roast at Moms’, but I could never pass on ice cream. MMM, chocolate covered cherry.
Sunday started out relaxing, with my sweatpants and baggie T-shirt on, then making breakfast with Heather and drinking a half pot of coffee. It really couldn’t get much better than that. I hadn’t sat down and read a book for a while, and I was getting into a great who-done-it when I got a phone call from Sean.
Seeing Sean’s name flash on my screen instantly raised my hackles. I never thought I could despise another human being so much, but after what he has done to me, I’m not sure I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again. He split my soul in two. I argued with myself about answering, but my overactive imagination got the better of me—what if something happened to one of the kids? I answered.
“Nik …” a long pause, “How are you doing?” The edacity he has, to ask me such a question.
I tried to act like his concerns were of no consequence to me, but it was a struggle to hold back my emotions. Why would he ask me how I am or if I needed anything? The whole conversation was dumbfoundi
ng. He was so nonchalant on the phone that I think he must have forgotten how badly he ripped my heart out. I was happy in our relationship—I gave him my all, and the worst part—I loved him, I still do.
***
The birds tweet happily right outside of my window. I should be happy they are back. I have always loved spring. That introduction to new life … green grass, fresh air and soon summer. I inhale deeply, filling my lungs with the fresh air that comes with the new season. Usually, I would be ecstatic about the beautiful spring weather, but lately I’m full of nothingness—numb.
I really need to pull out of this. My old life is gone. Things have changed, and I can both wallow and let these changes take me down, or I can embrace this and let this change happen … to take something good from it.
Every day I am gaining more movement and strength in my arm and leg. I can do this. I have to do this. I throw the covers back with new purpose and get situated in my wheelchair. I have actually gotten pretty good at it now. So far, my morning ritual has been Heather giving me a hand, but today … I am going at it—alone. I smile when I roll out into the living room and see the baffled look on my sister’s face.
“Wow!” Her open-mouthed, surprised stare disappears and is replaced by a wide grin.
“My ponytail is more like a side pony. I won’t elaborate on how difficult it was to get it even on the side.”
“You look beautiful.” It’s only a small compliment, but it means the world to me.
I’m not as nervous or giddy for my therapy today. It’s more like I’m … determined. I want to move forward. Get my life back on track. Hot young physical therapist or not, this is about me.
Ethan strolls up to the poolside about two minutes after I get there myself. Yep, he is definitely still just as cute as I remember. His blonde hair is short on the sides and longer—messy on top, and his one adorable dimple and his extremely sexy physique. I know that nothing will ever happen between us, especially after I saw his very attractive girlfriend.
