by Megan Green
Mystery man raises his cup to me, waiting for me to tap mine against it. When I do, he says, “To new friends,” and takes a deep gulp of his beer. I repeat his words and return the cup to my lap.
“You didn’t drink!” he says in pretend outrage. “You have to drink or it’s not a real toast. C’mon. One little sip won’t hurt ya. Do it for all your new friends.”
By now, several others have turned their attention to us and are raising their glasses. “To new friends,” they all cheer, chugging the rest of their drinks and throwing the cups to the floor. They look at me encouragingly. My heart hammers in my chest. I don’t want to ostracize myself just when they’re beginning to accept me. Gritting my teeth, I smile artificially and swallow the beer in three large gulps. It’s disgusting and I nearly vomit it right back up. But after several precarious seconds, my stomach stops turning and I smile, throwing my cup to the floor with the others. Everybody cheers and I laugh. One little drink isn’t going to kill me.
Campbell comes over and pulls me off the couch. We start to dance, and soon I feel light as a feather. I’ve never enjoyed myself so freely. It’s invigorating.
Several songs later and that gratification starts to waver. My head is spinning. The room is turning. I can barely hear the music over the vibrations rushing through my head. I turn toward Campbell, his figure so blurry I’m not even sure it’s him, and yell that I need to use the restroom. I stumble off, holding myself up against the walls, fumbling for doorknobs until one opens. I fall through the door, crashing to the carpet beneath me. And then everything is black.
“You can guess what happened next.”
Emma’s mouth hangs open, a look of astonishment on her face. “Campbell?” she asks simply.
I shake my head. “No. At least not that I know of. There were no pictures of him. And as shitty of a person as he turned out to be, I don’t think he would’ve done that.”
“Pictures?” Emma gapes, her voice raising several octaves.
“Yep. Lots and lots of pictures. I was passed out the rest of the night. Woke up on my back porch, my dress torn and not even on the top part of my body. I knew what had happened immediately, even if I couldn’t remember any of it.”
“So some asshole raped you and then showed pictures to people?”
“Assholes,” I correct, and her face drops even more. “There were a few. And they were careful to keep their faces out of them. But word gets around.”
Emma shakes her head. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
A sad laugh escapes my lips. “Wish I were.”
“No, no. I didn’t mean that. I know you wouldn’t make that up. I just can’t fucking believe it. What did you do? Did those bastards go to jail?”
I slowly shake my head. “I couldn’t prove anything. According to everyone at the party, I was a willing participant. By the time I even thought about going to the police, the drugs would’ve already worked their way out of my system. So the story that circulated was that I’d gotten drunk, ditched Campbell, and fucked everyone that was willing. When I sobered up, I realized what I’d done and tried to talk my way out of it, accusing some of the most popular and loved boys at school of rape.” I laugh again, completely devoid of any humor. “If I thought I’d been a pariah before prom, it was nothing compared to after.”
“But Campbell…didn’t he do anything?”
“Nope. That asshole knew I only had one drink and that I’d vanished without explanation. He knew what happened, but he was too big of a coward to stand up for me. To tell people exactly what kind of friends he had. He never tormented me directly. But his silence was worse than anything those miscreants could have thrown at me.”
“Holy shit, Haylee. I just can’t believe it. Your mom? I know she was shit, but did she do anything?”
I give an offhanded wave. “She doesn’t even know. There was no point in telling her. She wouldn’t have done anything anyway.”
“I hate that you had to go through all that alone.”
“I didn’t. Amanda stood up for me. She was the one who finally pulled them off of me. She came down from Jake’s room, saw what was happening, and freaked out. Jake made everyone leave then. I guess Campbell told Amanda he’d get me home. Turns out that meant dumping me on my back stoop, not even bothering to cover me up.”
The anger at Campbell is bubbling up inside me. After years of therapy, it’s the one thing I can’t let go of. I’ve accepted my rape, accepted that there was nothing I could’ve done to stop it that night. That it wasn’t my fault. But I can’t forgive myself for him. For trusting him. For letting myself get so caught up in him that I forgot myself. Forgot how the world really works.
“Amanda went from being queen bee to being just as big a pariah as me. But she didn’t care. She was there for me every step of the way. Made sure I got the help I needed. Kept me going. Things got really bad for a while. Really bad. She is the only reason I’m sitting in this room today.”
Emma pulls me into her arms. “I’m so glad you had one good friend. Jesus, Hay.” She exhales deeply.
I give her a weak smile. “Hey, it’s okay. It was a long time ago. I’m okay.”
She looks up at me out of the corner of her eye. “Are you though? Really?”
No. Because of Campbell, I’m unable to put my trust in the one person I really want to. I’m terrified of opening myself up again. Of exposing myself to the possibility of betrayal. I know Ryan isn’t like Campbell. He has more honor in his little toe than Campbell had in his entire body. I know that. But I can’t do it. I can’t bring myself to tear down these walls I’ve spent so long building.
Before I can come up with a suitable answer to give Emma, my phone pings. I grab it, relief rushing through me at the distraction. This will give me a few minutes to come up with something more acceptable to tell Emma.
A notification for a new email is on the screen. I unlock it, pulling up the email. [email protected]
Only one person that could be. I tap open the email, looking at Emma. “Chris just emailed me.”
“You?” she asks in confusion, moving over to my side. I move my phone so it’s in between us and we read it together.
Emma looks at me when she finishes. “What are you going to do?”
I shake my head, hitting reply on the email.
Eddie’s words replay over and over in my head. After we depart the plane, I rush through the crowded airport. I’m relieved I didn’t have to check any luggage when I see the packed baggage claim area. I only had time to shove a few things into my pack before I took off. I’ll have to head to my house to pick up anything else I might need while I’m here.
My fingers twitch as I step onto the crowded escalator. There are too many people on it for me to make it to the bottom any quicker. I debate shoving my way through the crowd but decide against it. There are too many families. Too many kids. The extra thirty seconds isn’t worth injuring someone. Instead, I tap my thumbs against my thighs, silently urging the steps to move faster.
After what feels like an eternity, I finally reach the bottom and look around for my name. I know the army will have sent someone to pick me up. Sarge said he’d arrange all that before I got here. The only thing I’d have to worry about is getting to my mom.
My eyes scan the crowd. I see several drivers holding signs, but none show my name. I flicker past a couple embracing, a few kids shrieking and running toward a man in front of me, and a woman in a blue dress standing on her toes to see over the fray. My eyes move past her, looking for anyone I might possibly know. Was Sarge unable to find anyone? Shit, I need to get to a cab.
This time I have no qualms about shoving my way through the mass of people before me. I continue looking around, hoping I just missed my ride before. I really don’t have time to wait for a cab.
My eyes pass over the woman again. Recognition flares. What the fuck is Haylee doing here?
My trajectory changes. Instead of making my way to the doors, I make a
beeline for Haylee. She’s still standing on her toes, frantically searching the crowd. The blue dress she’s wearing reaches just past her knees. Her long hair falls down her back, sleek and straight. She looks gorgeous. My heart races at the sight of her. I want to run to her and pull her into my arms. I knew I missed her. I just didn’t realize how much until that moment. The relief that runs through my veins at seeing her is impossible to ignore. All thoughts of my mother fly temporarily out of my head. All I can think about is getting to Haylee.
When I finally reach her, my thoughts have cleared enough that I decide to gently tap her on the shoulder instead of enveloping her in my arms. She may only be here because Sarge couldn’t get a hold of anyone else. I don’t want to fuck things up before I’ve even had a chance to even talk to her.
She turns at my touch. The smile that spreads across her face makes my heart feel like it’s going to burst. She throws her arms around my neck, pulling me against her. My arms wrap tightly around her waist and I breathe her in. God, I’ve missed her.
All too soon, she pulls away from me. Wrapping her hands around my biceps, she looks me squarely in the eye. “How are you? I’m so happy to see you. I just wish it were under better circumstances.” She frowns, concern filling her eyes.
I pull her against me. I had forgotten about my mom. God dammit, I am a horrible son. But the relief of seeing Haylee again blinded me to everything else. I take a deep breath, taking in the sweet smell of her hair.
“I’m fine. I’m so glad to see you here. I didn’t think I’d have the chance to see you.” I release her from my hold. “We should probably get going.”
She grabs my hand and pulls me through the airport. Somehow, she’s parked in the loading zone, and there’s not a single ticket on her windshield. Seeing the question in my eyes, she shrugs. “Special permission. You know some pretty influential people.”
I silently thank Sarge. Getting out of that mess of a parking lot would’ve been a nightmare. Now that we’re in the car, the desperation to get to my mother has returned in full force. Haylee pulls out of the airport and heads in the direction of the hospital. I see the speedometer inching past the speed limit, but I don’t admonish her, because I’m too relieved that she realizes just how urgent this is.
After a few minutes, I clear my throat and break the silence we’ve fallen into. “Thanks for coming today. Hope it wasn’t too much of an inconvenience. I know you must’ve had work.”
She turns her head to me briefly, an incredulous look on her face. “You seriously think I’d put work before this? Nothing is more important to me than my friends, Ryan. Work can go to hell.”
I smile at her disdain. Though the word friends stings a little, I decide to look past it and focus on the fact that she cares enough about me to put me in that category. I know it isn’t easy for her.
We finish the drive in a comfortable silence. I sneak glances at her occasionally, smiling at her determination to get me to the hospital as fast as she can.
Within ten minutes, we’re pulling into the parking lot. She pulls up to the main entrance and looks at me.
“Do you want me to wait? Or just call me when you’re done? I’ll do whatever you want to do. Whatever’s easiest.”
I frown. It hadn’t occurred to me that she’d leave. I reach out and take her hand in mine.
“Would you mind coming with me?” I don’t want to see my mom alone. I’ve seen her in some pretty shitty situations, but never like this. Never when she was hovering on the edge of death. Having Haylee there might give me the strength I need.
She purses her lips. I can tell the thought makes her uncomfortable, but I’m too selfish to withdraw my request. I need her with me.
“Please? I don’t want to be alone when I see her. Just a few minutes. Then you can go. I just need someone there for the initial shock.” I smile weakly.
She nods, putting the car back in drive and heading for a parking spot. We walk into the hospital hand-in-hand, stopping briefly at the nurses’ station to ask for directions to my mom’s room.
When we reach her closed door, my chest constricts. I suddenly feel like I can’t get enough air in my lungs. I hear the soft beeps of the monitors coming from her room and my head spins. I let go of Haylee’s hand and rest my hands on my knees, my head ducked and my breathing rapid. Fuck. I should have told her to go. I don’t want her to see me like this.
She’s immediately at my side. She puts her arm around my shoulders and pulls me into her body. She slides with me to the floor. As I put my head between my knees, she rubs slow circles into my back, telling me to breathe deeply. In through my nose. Out through my mouth. A soft voice asks a question and Haylee responds. Seconds later something damp presses against the back of my neck. Haylee continues to run her hand up and down my back, her soft whispers soothing my agitated state.
My breathing slowly returns to normal, the pressure on my chest easing. I release a deep breath, not knowing what to say. Fortunately, Haylee saves me from having to come up with something.
“Whew. You doing okay?”
I nod, lifting my head. I’m still unable to look at her.
She grabs my chin, pulling my gaze to hers. I try to look anywhere but at her, but she’s relentless. She refuses to release her hold until my eyes meet hers.
“You sure you’re okay?” she asks when I finally look at her.
“Yeah. Just embarrassed.”
Her eyebrows shoot up, a quizzical expression on her face. “Embarrassed? Why?”
I shrug. “My little freak-out. Sorry about that.”
She grabs my chin again, snapping my face back to hers. “Seriously? Your mother is in that room and you’re apologizing for having a tiny little panic attack? Believe me, Ryan. That was nothing. You haven’t seen a freak-out. Now, if you’re sure you’re okay, let’s go.”
She gets to her feet and extends her hand to me. I laugh lightly. The image of this tiny girl pulling me to my feet is comical. I gently take her hand and use my other to shove off the ground.
She keeps her hand firmly in mine as I open the door. The beeping sound grows louder as it opens, and I slowly step inside the room.
The crushing feeling in my chest returns at the sight of my mom. Haylee runs her hand up and down my arm, giving me an encouraging look. I stifle down my growing anxiety and walk to the side of her bed.
The monitors are all hooked to her by various tubes and wires. A large tube runs through her mouth and down her throat. The machine it’s hooked up to releases a large puff of air every few seconds. It isn’t until then I realize she’s so far gone she’s not even breathing on her own. They said it was a coma. From the looks of it, she’s in far worse shape than they’d told me.
Tears spring to my eyes. Try as I might, I’m unable to keep a few from falling. I sniffle, trying to clamp down my emotion.
Haylee reaches up, this time gently taking my chin in her hand. She pulls my gaze to hers and takes my face in both hands. She runs her thumbs over my cheeks, wiping away my tears.
“It’s okay to cry, Ryan.”
At her soft touch and soothing voice, the dam inside me bursts. She pulls a chair up behind me and guides me to sit. I’m momentarily stunned when she situates herself on my lap. But when she pulls me into her chest and runs her fingers softly through my hair, the tears spill over in a rush.
“It’s okay. It’s okay,” she says softly in my ear. Her hand runs down my neck and gently rubs the skin just under the neck of my shirt. She repeats this movement over and over. The sensation reminds me of my mom when I was little. Whenever I was sick, she’d hold me in her arms and caress my neck and back. It always made me feel better.
The thought of her back then makes my tears fall harder. She was such a great mother. I’d never doubted for a second that Noah and I were the most important things in her life. I’d laugh with my friends when they’d complain about their moms, but inside I was smiling at how lucky I was.
If she passes, I
’ll have nobody. At twenty-four, I’ll have lost my entire family. The thought fills me with rage. It isn’t fucking fair. It isn’t fair that my dad and brother died. That my mother became somebody completely unrecognizable after that. That I was forced to witness things nobody should have at an age when my biggest concern should’ve been making the summer little league team. It wasn’t fair that I was deprived of a normal childhood because fucking fate decided to rear her ugly head and take everything from me. And now I’ll have nothing but a memory. No hope that my mom will finally get her act together. I’ll have nothing. I don’t care that I’m fucking twenty-four. I don’t want to be an orphan.
I pull Haylee tightly into me. “It isn’t fucking fair. She’s all I have left. If I lose her, there will be nothing left. Nobody left. I’ll be all alone. How much does one person have to take? I’ve already lost everything else. Why her too? Why?”
Haylee just holds me. She lets me cry into her shirt until my tears abate. She never once tries to pull away. Never says anything. Just holds me, whispering and cooing in my ear, trying to soothe me.
After I’ve exhausted every tear in my body, I finally pull my head from her chest. I look up at her through my swollen eyes and she smiles softly.
“Hey,” she says simply.
“Hey,” I respond, a soft laugh escaping my lips. I stifle my smile. It doesn’t feel right. Not here.
“It’s okay to smile too, Ryan,” she whispers. “She’d want you to. To remember the good times. To be happy. To keep living.”
I wipe my eyes and nod. “I know,” I croak.
Haylee turns and looks at my mom. “She’s beautiful.”
I look at the shell of the woman lying in the bed. Even after all she’s put herself through, her beauty is still evident. But I shake my head. “You should’ve seen her. Before, I mean. She was stunning. She had a smile that could light up a room. And nothing could bring out that smile better than my dad.”
