by Liz Isaacson
The noise and bustle of the city fell behind him the further he went. By the time he parked and got out of the car, there was only blue sky, with puffy white clouds drifting through the expanse.
Though he hadn’t been to Montgomery’s grave in seven years, Levi seemed drawn to the tiny headstone. His heartbeat picked up speed with every step he took, and he didn’t think something so small should make him so emotional. But it did. Eventually, he stood in front of his son’s grave, the name blazing back at him. Montgomery Joe Rhodes.
He crouched, his eyes burning with tears. He traced each letter in his son’s name, a profound sense of loss nearly overcoming him. “I’m sorry we never got to know each other,” he whispered. The nurses had let him and Johanna see the baby, and he was absolutely perfect, if not for the angry marks around his neck where the umbilical cord had ended his life before he’d taken his first breath.
Levi could still see the child in his mind’s eye. Soft, downy hair the exact blonde as Johanna’s, if she didn’t add all the white highlights. Levi’s long, straight nose. He’d never seen his son’s eyes, and Levi hung his head and cried.
He knew that statistically, what had happened to his son was rare. He knew he’d chosen wrong when he’d married Johanna, but then the pregnancy had happened only two months into their marriage, and he wasn’t going to abandon his child.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, his tears drying up almost as fast as they’d come. A breeze kicked up in the cemetery, and Levi looked up toward the heavens. “I’m scared.” Of what, he wasn’t sure. Of trying again with Heather? Of actually becoming a father the next time? Of having to raise the child?
God had already forgiven him for his Kentucky misdeeds. What Levi needed now was assurance that he wasn’t going to make the same mistakes, that he wouldn’t have to endure the same heartaches.
His pulse calmed. He took a deep, cleansing breath and blew it out. He still had no idea what to do about Heather. He wasn’t sure he could be a good father, a good husband. He wasn’t sure he wanted another chance at those things, because the first time had ended so, so badly.
He straightened and looked around. The sky hadn’t fallen. The world was still turning. So Montgomery wasn’t in it, but Levi still was.
What do I want?
The thought came out of nowhere, and Levi felt like he was playing one of those games where he had to answer with the first thing that came into his head. So he did.
“I want to be happy.” Life was too short to live every day unhappy, and Levi had had a brief taste of what it was like to be happy. And he wanted more.
That thought alone had him pulling out his phone to call Heather. It was Friday, and she’d taken the day off work. Her broken arm was only one week old. He’d seen her use a phone before. She should be able to answer his call.
She didn’t.
He didn’t need to leave a message. Her phone would show her that he’d called. He turned in a full circle, at a loss for what to do now. He really needed to talk to Heather, and he couldn’t just jump in his truck and go.
Striding back to the rental car, he pulled open his airline app. He had to get back to Texas as soon as possible.
A notification bumped down from the top of the screen. Heather.
His heart raced, and he stopped walking so he wouldn’t trip. He tapped the notification and her message came up.
I don’t want to talk right now. I hope you understand. I just need more time. I think you probably understand that.
“More time?” he echoed, disappointment diving through him.
Another message popped up under the first. I’ll call you when I’m ready.
He wanted to ask her how long that would be. Wanted to know if he could stop by later, and might she be ready then. Wanted to hold her while he apologized, while they talked through his fears together, and while they came to an agreement on what their future would hold.
Instead, he let his phone drop to his side as he continued back to his rental car. Once inside, he booked a flight on the app, and set himself driving again, his hopes of finding his happiness that day floating away like smoke.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Heather did not call on Saturday. Levi couldn’t stay at the house without her, but he couldn’t live in a cabin an hour from his boarding stable, his goats, and his family. Oh, and if she did call, he wanted to be minutes from her, not hours.
So he’d moved into his office at the boarding stable. Sort of. He kept a fold-up cot in the closet, because sometimes the house he had to go home to was too empty and too big, and he’d put the cot outside the stall of his favorite horse at the moment and sleep there. None of his men had known, as Levi woke before dawn and put the cot away.
His sleeping arrangements were comfortable enough. A fifteen-foot by fifteen-foot room was all he needed. Bathroom down the hall. Drive-through for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, if he even ate.
He hadn’t canceled Juan Carlos’s services for that night, and Levi was sure he’d show up at home to more food than even his mother would know what to do with. His mother….
He texted her Sunday morning, while wearing an old T-Shirt and a pair of gym shorts, sitting on the cot as the sun streamed into the office. Juan Carlos made way too much food. Want me to bring it over for lunch after church?
Sure, sounds great. His mother’s text came back instantly, and Levi smiled. The first step toward happiness was being with other people. He knew that now. And not just physically with them, but mentally and emotionally.
And that meant he had to tell his family about his marriage and his stillborn baby. He looked up from the phone, expecting a keen sense of dread to cover him from head to toe. A chill stole through him, but other than that, he felt nothing.
He returned to the farm to take care of his horses and goats, and he ventured into the house to shower, shave, and make sure he presented himself properly at church. He wished with everything in him that he was showing up with Heather on his arm, the way they’d done for the food truck tasting.
He put off leaving for church until he was sure she’d be there already, if she were going to attend today. He didn’t want her to see him. Didn’t want to put any pressure on her to say hello or talk to him in any way.
By the time he arrived at the gray and white brick church on Elberta Street, the parking lot was mostly full, and he parked down the block and walked. Just like in Louisville, every step made his heart beat faster. He pushed through the double doors and into the foyer, the familiar scent of candle wax and furniture polish meeting his nose.
He edged inside the chapel just as Pastor Gifford welcomed everyone that fine Sabbath morning. Levi listened with one ear while the announcements for the Spring Jubilee cookoff were mentioned, but he really spent his energy searching for Heather’s dark hair. She usually sat with her teacher friends near the front, and he found her there, her casted arm hanging over the end of the pew.
Relief he didn’t understand flowed through him, and his pulse finally began to quiet. She was here. She was okay, at least physically. The choir got up and started a rousing number about Jesus, and Levi slipped out the back. He normally liked church, especially the music. But he didn’t need to stay today. Seeing the back of Heather’s head had confirmed everything he’d needed to know.
He was still in love with her.
And he wanted her back in his home, at his stable, in his life. He was willing to talk about having children if that was what it took.
He wanted to be happy.
So he sent her a message. So good to see you. Don’t worry, I’ve left the church so you don’t have to talk to me. But I hope you’ll be ready to do that soon.
Standing outside, under a huge willow tree, he wondered if he was being too pushy. She’d gone out in public. She made that choice, and she knew he might be at church. He hit send and scampered back to his truck just in case she decided to come racing outside to find him.
“Thanks for bringing the food, Levi,” his mo
ther said, her Texan twang strong, making Levi smile.
“Juan Carlos made it.”
“Well, it looks delicious.”
Levi was sure the smoked turkey and bacon mac-and-cheese would be tasty. He bowed his head while his father said grace, and his gut writhed as he moved through the line and loaded his plate with food. They sat around the table, and his mother started talking about that morning’s sermon.
When she finished, Levi put his fork down. “Mom, Dad, Elle, I want—have something to tell you.” A lot of somethings, but he was going to start with the easiest stuff. Well, none of it was easy, but he figured he could tell them about his marriage.
His mother flicked her gaze in his direction, but refocused on him when she saw how serious he was. “Levi?”
“It’s about the time I spent in Kentucky.”
Elle watched him with round eyes, and he tried to communicate to her that everything was okay. His father swallowed his food and didn’t take another bite.
“I didn’t tell you any of this, because it was a really hard time of my life.” He cleared his throat and looked right at Elle. “And I didn’t want you to think less of me.”
She cocked her head. “Levi, come on.”
He looked at each of his family members, wishing Serenity was here. “I was married in Kentucky.”
His mother gasped and her hand flew to her mouth. “Married?”
“Her name was Johanna Remmington, and her family owns the largest horse farm in Lexington.”
His dad just blinked at him, and the silence encouraged him to continue.
“We weren’t a great match in the first place, but then she, well, we…there was going to be a baby.”
“A baby?” His mom’s voice carried shock, and she searched his face, desperate for the answers. “Levi, you tell me right now if I have a grandbaby in Kentucky I don’t know about.”
Levi hung his head, unable to keep it up under the weight of three pairs of eyes. “He was stillborn. We lost him. And we lost ourselves, and Johanna left me, and that’s when I came back here.”
“Oh, Levi.” Elle’s chair scraped and she crouched next to him and hugged him tight. “Levi.” She just kept saying his name as his mom came over and hugged him too.
“What did you name him?” she whispered.
“Montgomery Joe Rhodes.” Levi stood and hugged his mother. “I’m so sorry, Mom. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”
“We all go through hard things,” she said, her tears evident in her voice. “I knew something had happened, but we wanted to give you your privacy.”
Levi met his dad’s eye, and the normally tough man who’d taught Levi everything he knew about peaches and running a business, wiped at his eyes. He came around the table and wrapped everyone in a family group hug.
“Sorry, Dad.”
“No apology necessary.”
And while Levi had always loved and felt close to his family, in that moment, he felt more love and forgiveness than he’d thought possible.
“You can tell us anything,” his mom said. “All right, Elle? Levi? Anything.”
Levi nodded, finally believing that he could confide in his mom and dad in the future.
Levi’s hopes were dead by the time Dwayne picked him up at the boarding stable on Thursday afternoon. He could barely look at his best friend, who had the same eyes as his sister. Thankfully, Kurt rode in the truck as well, a nice buffer between him and Dwayne.
“Hope you don’t mind if I tag along,” Kurt said as Levi climbed in.
“Not at all.” Levi couldn’t even give inflection to his voice. He’d begged Dwayne earlier in the week for any ideas as to what he should do to get Heather to talk to him. Dwayne had only said, Women are stubborn. If she asked for time, give her time.
Levi didn’t want to give her any more time, and he felt like a parasite was eating him from the inside out.
“Still no word from Heather?” Dwayne asked.
“You should know,” Levi said.
“She moved back to her place yesterday,” Dwayne said. “Took the cats and everything. I was just starting to like them.”
Levi grunted, the only energy he could give to the news. Fury festered in him that he’d ruined his chance to spend time alone with her. Kiss her. Take her to school and dote on her. All at once, he realized why he’d taken the teachers lunch last week when they’d broken up.
He wanted to dote on Heather, but he hadn’t been able to. So he’d provided lunch for her friends. He shook his head. It didn’t matter. The gesture had been kind and that was all. She hadn’t thanked him. Or even acknowledged that she knew he’d catered lunch from Alberto’s. But surely she knew. It was a small town, after all, and she was friends with the teachers she worked with.
He crossed his arms and stared out the window, his mood growing fouler with every moment that passed where she hadn’t contacted him yet.
“So I joined that Texas Faithful site,” Kurt said, drawing Levi out of his own mind.
“Texas Faithful?” he asked.
“Online dating for Texan Christians,” Dwayne supplied. “Kurt’s tired of the traditional method of meeting women.”
“You never let me off the ranch,” he said. “And the only woman out there is already engaged.”
“You go to church.”
“Twice a month. And it’s not like it’s a party, with social hour where I can talk to anyone.” He scoffed and glared at Dwayne, though it seemed good-natured. “Anyway, I joined this online dating website, and I saw….” He exchanged a glance with Dwayne now.
“Who?” Dwayne asked.
Levi’s curiosity inched upward too. He had no idea who would have Kurt’s face turning ruddy and his hands practically clawing at each other.
“Heather.”
“Heather?” Dwayne asked at the same time Levi said, “My Heather?”
“Your Heather?” Dwayne leaned forward to look at Levi. “Your Heather? I didn’t see her wearin’ a ring, Levi.”
“She’s mine,” Levi growled. “I’m just waitin’ for her to call me back.”
“It couldn’t have been her,” Dwayne said, shaking his head. “She’s not into online dating.”
“It was her.” Kurt picked up his phone and swiped it on. “Looks just like her. Says she lives in Grape Seed Falls. Teaches third grade.” He flashed the phone in Levi’s direction.
He grabbed onto it and stared at his beautiful Heather. “It’s her.” His voice sounded like he’d seen a ghost. He searched her smiling face, wishing he felt as happy as she looked in that photo. The site only listed her first name, with a few items of bulleted information. It was definitely Heather Carver.
“What does the one-hundred-thirteen mean next to that heart?” He handed the phone back to Kurt.
“She’s got a hundred and thirteen interests.”
“Like gardening and stuff.” Levi knew he was wrong, but he was desperately grasping at straws.
Kurt showed the phone to Dwayne, who frowned as a dark look came across his face. “No, Levi, like there are one hundred and thirteen men interested in her.”
Levi pulled out his own phone. “How do I join this…what was it? Texas Faithful?”
“Don’t do it,” Dwayne said. “Heather won’t appreciate that.”
“What am I supposed to do, Dwayne? Let her go out with some other guy? One hundred and thirteen other guys?”
Dwayne let a mile go by, then two. Levi sat fuming, his anger leaking out the longer the silence went on.
“Maybe you should tell us what she’s upset about,” Dwayne said, his words slow and calculated. “And we’ll help you solve the problem.”
Levi’s teeth clenched. His fingers curled into a fist. “I don’t know if I can do that.”
“You told her.”
“I’m in love with her.”
“Oh, wow,” Kurt said. “I mean, Dwayne said you loved her, but I—you just said it right out loud.” He looked at Levi with wonder in h
is eyes.
“Yeah….” Levi wasn’t sure what he was missing.
“Kurt has a problem articulating how he feels,” Dwayne said. “It’s why he’s dating online.”
“That’s not why.” Kurt scoffed. When he looked back at Levi, he wore a sheepish expression. “But yeah. I’ve never told a woman I love her.”
“Have you loved anyone?” Levi asked.
“One woman, once.” His eyes took on a dazed quality, and he gazed out the windshield.
“And you let her go?”
Kurt sighed. “I didn’t know this conversation was gonna be about me. She…didn’t want to be with someone so ‘emotionally void’.” He made finger quotations around the last two words.
“I’m sorry,” Levi said. “I think you’re emotionally available, Kurt.” He grinned at the other cowboy. “Just look at us, talkin’ about women and love like we have any idea what we’re doing.” He chuckled, and it felt good. Maybe he could trust these two with some of his secrets. He drew in a big breath. “Okay, so basically, Heather wants kids and I don’t.”
“That’s all?” Kurt asked at the same time Dwayne asked, “Why don’t you want kids?”
Levi should’ve known he wouldn’t be able to get away with the short version of the story, not with Dwayne. He was a lot like Heather in that regard.
He cleared his throat. “So this is confidential, all right?” He’d told his family, and Heather, and if he told Kurt and Dwayne, the circle of people who knew would just keep growing and growing.
You trust them, he told himself. They won’t tell anyone else. Then he opened his mouth and told them about Johanna, his marriage, and Montgomery. He didn’t elaborate where he didn’t need to, and the whole tale was out in five minutes.
No one said anything.
“Yeah,” Levi said. “So I don’t want kids, and Heather does. We’re at an impasse. Oh, and I walked out on her in the middle of the night. So she’s probably plenty mad about that.” He slumped in his seat. The things he’d said sounded like stupid reasons for breaking up.
“Levi,” Dwayne said. “I had no idea. I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine….” His voice sounded strained and he shook his head. “If it makes you feel better, Felicity doesn’t want children either.”
