by Jess Epps
“What the fuck are you going to do, huh? Punch me in front of a crowded restaurant?”
“Damn right I am.”
I stop thinking for a second before my body reacts. My fist meets his face with profound force. His body buckles back and into the bar stool behind him. He lunges toward me, but I hold the fucking scrawny asshole away at arm’s length before laying another punch into his abdomen. He bends over, hugging himself, and I grab his vodka off of the bar before downing it. “Fucking dick.”
I pay my tab and leave, deciding that I'll punish myself more and walk home. As soon as I make it home, I regret it. I regret that I let her lead me on, not my recent erratic behavior. The thoughts that are running through my head are ones I’d rather not think about. She’s leaving me for Nik? She’s been lying to me about this ballet shit? Why wouldn’t she just come out and say it?
Remnants of our last night together are everywhere. I don’t want to look at it. I don't want to smell her.
I don't want to pick it up either.
Instead, I grab a bottle of liquor from the cabinet and go to my room, slamming the door behind me because it fucking feels good to do it.
Ensuring that all my blinds are closed and the lights are off before I sit down on the bed, I take a swig straight from the bottle. My face is wet with emotion over my girl.
No longer mine.
I belong nowhere now, and with no one. The two women I trusted with every fiber of my being are both gone.
Heather
I'VE BEEN SINGLE for a week now, and it's been the longest week of my life. He keeps texting me, asking to talk and begging me not to leave, but if I talk to him, I know I won't follow through with my lifelong dream. Everything I've given up for my dance career would be for nothing if I didn't jump at this opportunity.
My plane boards in fifteen minutes, and I'm trying not to get sick. My stomach is in knots. I can't believe I'm about to get on this plane. I quickly type a text to Dillen and Dani.
Hi, I'm about to board. I'll try to get Wi-Fi on the plane so you two can calm my nerves.
I think I'm going crazy. The first flight I've been on since I was a child has to be an overseas flight?
Dillen replies first.
I have your flight number and I'll be at the airport to pick you up in the morning. I love you and you're going to be okay. I can't wait to squeeze the shit out of you!
Then Dani chimes in.
Sister, I thought Noah was going with you?
They call for first class to board and I do, finding my seat. It's a new plane, so I have my own little space. It's like diagonal seating. I check my phone once I'm settled and after I've taken a sleeping pill.
Crap. I should have known she would think that. The attendant asks us to shut our cellular devices off so I send a simple text.
No, he isn't. I have to go. I can't explain. I love you guys. Xoxo
THE PLANE JOLTS and I feel an awful falling sensation. My eyes fly open as I struggle to breathe in. My heart is racing. My chest is pounding. I feel so incredibly lightheaded and faint—I think I’m going to pass out or die right here. Right now.
The gentleman sitting across the aisle looks at me then reaches over, placing his hand on my forearm. “Calm down there, miss. It’s nothing but a tad of turbulence.”
I feel like yelling back at him that’s it’s much harder than he realizes, but I’m frozen as my body shakes uncontrollably. He reaches up and presses the button to call the attendant. She walks over and kneels down next to me. I can’t even turn to look at her. I’m so scared. We’re falling out of the sky, aren’t we? I find myself internally asking her.
“I think she’s having a panic attack. Could you please bring over a glass of cold water and two bottles of white wine?” the elder English gentleman asks.
“Oh sweetheart, it’s okay.” She tries to soothe me, but it’s not working. I still can’t breathe. I’m hyperventilating as I try to fill my lungs with a sufficient amount of air.
“I’ll be right back.” She gets up and hurries away to the front of the plane. A second later, she is back.
I need to escape, but I can’t see much. I’ve got visional snow and I’m experiencing severe derealization. My hands are shaking so drastically the attendant holds up the straw to my lips. I can’t feel anything anymore as I watch my blurry finger twitch. This sense of impending doom won’t leave me.
I try to drink from the straw, but I’m too anxious. My chest is wet with sweat, and my cheeks are wet with tears. I feel a strong hand rubbing my back as I lean forward. My mind automatically goes to Noah, but I stop shaking when I realize it’s not him, when I realize he won’t ever want to touch me again.
I need him. He’s the only one that can make this stop.
“You’re going to need to drink more than that, sweetie,” the hostess says. I manage to take in a big gulp and straighten up, wiping my eyes. I feel like I can finally catch my breath. So I shut out all of the people watching me and focus on my memories of his face. His strong jaw, his tanned skin, and those ocean green eyes I drowned in daily.
“How…how long was I like that?” I ask the attendant softly.
“Barely a minute, sweetie. Did you want to stand up and stretch your legs?”
“No, please no. I won’t be able to. Just…how much longer until we land?”
“We have about five hours to go. Are you going to be okay? I have some sleeping tablets; would you like those?”
“Uhm, no. Thank you. I have some in my purse.” I lean forward and pick up my navy Longchamp shoulder tote. “I’m sorry, what’s your name?” I ask, as I dig through my travel-sized makeup bags.
“My name is Marlene. Can I get you anything else? I’ll be sure to wait on you for the rest of the flight if you’re comfortable with me. You don’t fly often, do you?”
“I’d appreciate that, Marlene, and no…I don’t.” She hands me the glass of water so I can take my pill, “Thank you.” My hands are still shaking, but I’m able to take the sleeping pill without spilling water all over myself. She takes the glass once I’ve had enough. I place my purse down and lay back, covering up with my pink blanket, forcing my eyes shut.
I’M WOKEN FROM a heavy sleep and a dream about Noah. It was more of a memory than a dream. I got to relive the first time he kissed me, the first time he touched me possessively. The first time he kissed me down there.
“Ma’am? We’ve landed and everyone else has deplaned.”
“Noah?” I ask sleepily, trying to open my eyes, blinking when a shape of a woman comes to me, and I slowly realize where I am. Exactly 3,459 miles away from him and everything I know.
“Thank you for everything, Marlene.”
“It’s no problem, ma’am. Enjoy your stay,” she says cheerfully.
I sigh melodramatically and get up slowly, picking up my tote and carrying it off the plane. I’m glad I checked in all of my luggage. I walk up the ramp, following the signs leading me to baggage claim. Heathrow Airport has a huge sign announcing international arrivals that I walk past before I’m tackled from behind.
“YOU’RE HERE!” Dillen yells into my ear as she hugs me from behind.
I sag with relief and turn to hug her, holding onto her. My legs almost feel like Jell-o. "Dillen, that was horrifying!"
“You made it. I’m so crazy proud of you!” She holds me out at arm’s length to check that I’m still in one piece. “Did you eat? Do you want to shower?”
Shaking my head, I say, "I haven't had an appetite. But I would like to shower."
“All right, let’s get your bags and we’ll head to my place. I actually just moved to a two-bedroom apartment so you’re in luck, little shit.”
I try to smile. I truly am happy to see her but I'm just dead inside. "I really appreciate your letting me stay with you. I know it's sudden."
“Hush. Let’s go.”
We walk to baggage claim with our arms linked together and easily find my Louis Vuitton luggage and haul the
m out to her cute Fiat. Somehow we get them to fit and we head to her apartment. She’s trying to explain London to me during the drive, but I’m too tired to pay much attention. I remember her saying that her apartment is the tallest building in central London. The apartment building is called Strata.
The building is beautiful and there are little hints of pink everywhere.
"How long will it take me to get used to the time change?" I ask, as I get out of her petite car and stretch.
“It usually takes me three days to get used it, but being your first time, it could take up to a week. Let’s get you showered and fed.” We walk into her apartment and she stops me, grabbing my arm before I walk into the guest bedroom, “Are you okay, little shit?”
I feign a smile. "I'm okay. It's just been a long week. And then the flight."
She wraps her arms around me and hugs me tightly; it’s just what I need.
Pulling back and smiling, she says, "We are getting drunk tonight, little shit."
"I'm not sure I can stay awake for that long." I giggle as she walks away and I shut the door to get ready for the day.
AFTER I SHOWER and get dressed, I walk out into Dillen’s gray and blue modern living room. She's sitting on the sofa, in her ballet tights, reading a book.
I'm nervous: I'm on edge and I can't seem to calm myself down. There's only one person who can calm me, and I'm positive I'll never see him again. "Okay, I officially hate being the new girl," I say as I sit down next to her and curl my feet up under me.
"I believe you bypass being the new girl when everyone already knows your name." She tosses a pillow at me and laughs.
"So. Everyone will be looking and judging. Ugh. It's like high school all over again."
"Heather! Don't be a sourpuss. You are the first person they have recruited in forever. Everyone will be drooling over you, trust me. And if it's any consolation, I've heard the young male dance teachers and choreographers literally arguing over who gets to have you." She pauses to think for a second. "Okay, I can't be certain if they were talking about taking you, or having you in their classes and dance groups..."
"Oh jeez." I have no desire to think about another man. Or ever be with one.
"Okay, let's go, grab your duffel." She hops up and grabs her black duffel and car keys.
We're walking down the stairs when she speaks again. "It's a good thing you’re taken because these Englishmen would devour you.”
My heart fractures a little more. Oh God, I can't talk about this now. I'll be a sobbing mess. "Oh stop it," is all I can think of to say. I climb into the passenger side, which is the opposite of what I'm used to. It's so weird: I feel like I'm in a different world.
We arrive at the Royal Ballet House in a measly ten minutes. After she parks, we walk in together and I swear there is a welcoming committee at the door.
I'm so overwhelmed that I can't even think. I'm meeting everyone at once. There are ballerinas everywhere but suddenly my heart slams into my chest when I come face to face with someone familiar.
She makes a beeline for me and smiles eerily as I take in her overly tight blonde bun, which mimics a poorly done facelift…"Well, well, well, if it isn't Noah Ryan's girlfriend. Is he here with you? I'm Alexis, by the way. You might remember me from the bar when you were too drunk to hold yourself up..."
I'm so stunned that I’m nailed to the spot. I can't even believe what I'm seeing. She's a ballerina? In this company? I'm about to speak and let her know that I had only just begun to drink that night when my attention is pulled in another direction.
The commanding voice of the mistress breaks through the crowd. "Okay, ladies, break it up. Let Miss Lane breathe," she says in a beautiful British accent as she walks up to me. I'm immediately comforted by her calm demeanor and welcoming smile. "Welcome, darling, I'm Cora Silsbury. We're delighted that you've joined us. Welcome to the Royal Ballet."
"Thank you. This is all so incredible."
She smiles sweetly at me. "I'm glad to hear that. Now, let me take you on a tour and we'll get to our private session. It'll be just the two of us for a while."
I quickly blow Dillen a kiss before following Mistress Silsbury around the dance house.
This place is amazing. The First Position studio was beautiful and modern but the Royal Ballet house is absolutely stunning. I would love to be able to share this with my mother; she would be so proud.
Cora leads me into a large studio and closes the door. "I understand that you just flew in, Heather, so this won't be a long practice. I would just like to see a piece of the performance from the charity showcase. I was unfortunately ill and unable to fly to New York for the occasion."
"Oh of course. If I could just stretch out first?”
"Of course you can, darling. I'll get your locker combination and keys for you. Feel free to plug in any device in the corner for some music. I'll be back."
With that, she turns and walks out of the studio and for the first time in forever, I'm alone. I've made sure to always be around someone since I broke his heart—I just can't stand the pain by myself. He's not texting me anymore either and I know, deep down, that I've lost the only man I've ever had such immense feelings for.
"OKAY. THE PIZZA is ordered," Dillen sings, as she comes back in the living room and plops down on the couch excitedly. "Eekk! I'm so excited you're here. I've never had a roommate before."
I'm sitting cross-legged on the couch facing her. "I'm happy I get to be your first."
"So…” she croons, “is lover boy going to be visiting any time soon and do I need earplugs?"
I knew this was coming, but I know I won't be able to talk about it without tears present. I shake my head and look down. "No. I…uhm...we broke up."
"What? Oh Heather. I thought that he might have been your one. I'm so sorry." She reaches for my hand and squeezes.
I shake my head as the tears fall. "It's all my fault, Dillen. He's so perfect. I just ruined everything. I left him for this.”
She looks shocked, but she moves closer to me and hugs me tightly. "Oh little shit, it's going to be okay. Was he not interested in a long-distance relationship?"
I sniffle and cry harder. "I never asked him. I...I'm afraid to get too close. I think I was falling in love with him."
She pulls back a little and grabs some tissues, handing them to me. "I think you already were in love with him. I've never seen you so happy before. Oh me and my big mouth! I'm sorry."
She's right. I think I already was. I was just too stupid to latch onto it and embrace it. "I'm so ridiculous, Dillen. He needed me and I left him."
"Needed you? Sweetie, you weren't his only lifeline. Don't be so hard on yourself," she says firmly.
I gasp and pull back, my eyes wide. "But I was! His mother...she..." Shaking my head quickly, I add, "He doesn't have anyone. He's all alone."
"Alone? It's not your fault he moved up to New York City. Plus, Coen is moving up to the city too. So he's not alone."
She hands me the tissue box and gets up. Walking to the kitchen, she grabs a bottle of chilled white wine and two wine glasses before she joins me on the couch again.
I blow my nose loudly. "Coen's moving?"
She pours me a glass and hands it to me. "He is. I think he's going to stay with Joel until he finds a place. Heather, he is so sexy in bed."
I'm finally able to smile as I dab at my eyes. "So you two hit it off, huh?"
"I'm not sure what is going on, but I think I might have a schoolgirl crush on his sexy ass."
"He's sweet." I’m feeling better, knowing he'll be there for Noah.
"He's an asshole too. But I think it's kind of sexy. He calls me every night to get a little kinky and freaky on Skype."
I laugh and cover my face. "No details, please!"
"He's so nice and big," She growls with her teeth showing.
"Oh you kinky butt," I say as I shove her with my foot.
Suddenly I find myself thinking that there's no way he is as big
as Noah.
Dillen jumps up when there's a knock on the door. She pays for the pizza then brings it to the couch. "Dig in, little shit. And tell me how your first day went."
I'm about to take a bite when I start to feel emotional again. Noah and I had pizza on our first date. I'm a wreck. "It went well. I love Mistress Silsbury; she's so sweet."
Dillen moans and smiles. "This is my favorite pizza place. It's called Princi. Take notes. I’m glad you like her; she’s great.”
"Got it." I take a sip of wine. "Okay, so...Alexis. Is she always that rude and abrasive?" I ask and take a bite.
"Alexis. She's the bitch of the company. She thinks everyone loves her when really everyone despises her ass. I think she's from Arizona? I'm not sure though, but she sleeps around like she makes money off of it. Slut."
"Yeah, I guess she and Noah dated." I look down at my toes and fidget. I don't want to even think about Noah and her together—she's so not his type.
Dillen makes a face like she smelled something horrid. "You have got to be kidding me?"
I shake my head. "I know. He never talked about it with me."
"That's disgusting. You made him get tested before you two did anything, right?"
I chew on my cheek. "Well...no. But there was a reason."
"Heather Lane! Did I not teach you better than that?"
"You did, but..."
"I'm sorry,” she interrupts me, “I shouldn't be scraping at a semi-healed wound. I think it's time to be happy again. I'm going to make you laugh until your nonexistent belly hurts and then some more." She quickly cleans up the living room while I sip my wine.
I don't have the heart to tell her that it's a waste of time. I feel like I've made the worst mistake of my life.
When she comes back, she refills my glass almost to the brim. "I'm here for you, little shit."
