by Jess Epps
The time change is killing me. It's six in the morning in New York, but eleven in the morning here. I'm looking forward to laying my head down and passing the hell out. I should have slept on the flight, but I was too anxious.
After showering and getting dressed in pants and a V-neck with a sweater on, I head out, my hair still wet. I’m ready to see my girl.
I get by the doorman by walking next to a resident as if we’re together. I don’t want to announce my arrival and give Heather a chance to run. As I walk up to her apartment door, I can't fight the depth of emotion I feel for this woman. Knocking impatiently, I need her to answer the damn door. I knock again, but still no one answers.
Where in the hell is she?
A part of me wants to call.
But the caveman in me wants to bust down her door, throw her over my shoulder, and take her home.
Where she belongs. Not here.
I run my hands through my hair and decide to take another chance. I have to get into that ballet house. I have to find her.
Heather
I FEEL LIKE MAJOR crap. Whose idea was it to drink all that liquor last night? I'm totally blaming Dill for this one. Alexis has done her best to annoy the frick out of me today. She really knows how to get under my skin. But since I'm being paid to be here, I try to let it roll off my back. I really don't know what Noah ever saw or sees in her. She's loud, abrasive, blonde...
"Ladies, let's take our fifteen-minute break and start from the beginning when we return," Mistress Nadine, the group dance instructor, calls out.
I'm so tired. I have yet to sleep well since I left the States. Well...Valentine’s Day to be exact. I got too used to sleeping on top of him. Dillen walks up to me with a bright smile on her face. I grimace and grab my towel and water bottle. "How are you so chipper today?"
"I live on caffeine, little shit. You need to get with it. Even I can tell you’re not right on your feet today. Let's go get some water," she says as she links arms with me and we walk out of the studio.
"When's tea time? I need a freaking nap," I ask while I wait for her to refill her bottle.
"You need more than a nap. You need to sleep for a week straight." She moves her bottle and drinks from it, downing more than half of it.
Filling my bottle up, I'm about to take a sip when my stomach does a little flip because I see Alexis on her phone again and she's smiling. Okay, I need to get over this situation, like, now. My stomach isn't feeling all that great and this cold water is making it worse. I turn my back to her and face Dillen. "How much longer? I really want to go home and sleep for, like, two days."
"We have thirty minutes left and then we stretch as a class. Mistress Nadine likes to do everything together. Even party." She giggles as we head back into the studio.
"What? I can't see her drinking. She's so polished." Sitting down, I start to stretch.
She nods excitedly and makes a blow-job motion. "She's the little ho of teachers!"
I cover my mouth before my gasp fills the room then fall on my back, laughing.
Dillen dies laughing at my reaction and the entire room is staring at us. "Oh little shit, God I love you."
Mistress Nadine flits back into the room and claps a few times to get everyone's attention. "Okay ladies, let's finish up, and we'll end for the day."
I jump up and Dillen smacks my butt. "Hey! Watch it."
We get into formation and the music begins.
The next fifteen minutes are intense and I'm beyond ready when she says it's time for our stretches. We're all tired from today's practice and I'm glad it's almost over. She has us lie on our backs and get into a grand plié, having our partners lean against the barre and stand on our inner thighs, right above our knees. I hate this stretch. It works, but it's not comfortable.
Dillen is having the time of her life stretching me like this. "Just wait until it's your turn, Dill."
She laughs and throws her head back. She has the biggest smile on her face when she looks back down at me, but her eye catches something and her smile falls. She's staring and I grunt as she bears her full weight on my legs.
"Ah! Holy crap, Dill. Ease up."
I'm squeezing my inner thighs to help me stretch.
Looking up at her, I focus on my breathing.
"Uh...Heather?"
She steps off of me cautiously before holding her hand out to help me up. Her gaze is still fixed; she won't even look down at me. I hear a shrill cry and watch as Alexis bolts off of her partner and toward the door. "Noah!" she exclaims.
I'm still lying on my back when I look up and behind me. I can't believe what I'm seeing. A whole barrage of emotions hits me: anger, hurt, lust, betrayal, jealousy. I see Alexis run to him and lock her arms around his neck. I think I'm seeing things. The smile that was once on my face is gone.
I have to look away because I think I'm going to be sick. He's come here to see her obviously. They've been in contact. I'm looking up at Dillen…and for once she’s speechless.
"Heather..." Dillen says as she again holds her hand out to me. I take it, scrambling to get up as Mistress Nadine calls it a day.
"Dill, I have to get out of here, now.”
I look back at him and our eyes lock as he pushes Alexis off of his body. He has a look of shock on his face, and I'm not sure if it's toward me, or her. The air buzzes with electrifying energy—it's so strong that it’s almost palpable. I feel it enter my body like a drug. The magnetic pull between the two of us seems to have intensified since Valentine's Day. It's making me hot, too hot. And damp between my legs.
He takes a step toward me. I can't move. Dillen is tugging at my arm, but I almost fight her. He strides across the room coming at me, looking confident and cocky. Alexis tries to grab his hand but he shakes her off. I let Dillen drag me in her direction, out of his pull zone.
She yanks me out the back door and into the empty hallway.
"What the hell is he doing here?" she yells out and hands me her car keys. "Go. I'll get our shit and meet you at the apartment."
Taking her keys, I roll my eyes. "He's not here for me."
"Oh bullshit, Heather. He just tossed crazy-bitch off of him," she says as the door opens and he's there. His steps don't slow as he stalks toward me. I can smell him and oh my…the things he does to me.
I'm suddenly out of breath. His mere presence takes it right out of me. I back up as many steps as I can before my back hits the wall.
"Stop running from me, please." His deep, raspy voice penetrates me. He reaches down and takes my hand, forcefully lacing his fingers with mine and tugging as he steps back.
I let him pull me, leading us to the end of the hallway, into a cramped, diminutive room. I know I should panic, but I can't. The simple act of him lacing his fingers with mine lets me know he's not going to do anything stupid. He's not Nik.
It's a dominant move. He's never shown this side of himself before. I like it, but I'm still so angry. I tug against his hand. "What are you doing?"
I can almost see his heart pounding in his chest. "Just...talk to me. Please."
Looking up at him, seeing his strained expression, I wonder what it is. "What?"
He's still holding my hand, and I don't think he's going to let go anytime soon. "I know it's taken me too long to come and get you, and there are no excuses, but I'm not letting you walk away from me. Not again. I'll fight for what's mine."
I try yanking at his hand again, anger flashing across my face. "I'm not yours!"
He pulls on my hand hard enough to send my body crashing into his. He snakes his other hand around my waist to hold me flush against him. "I'm not leaving until you are. Why are you so mad at me?" he pleads.
His body touching mine is messing with my head. He's so warm and I can feel his heart beating. I can't stay like this. I won't be able to think. My sex aches at his nearness. I squeeze my eyes shut to clear my head. I look back up at him. "You lied to me!"
"Lied to you about what exactly?" His face
is stern, demanding.
My jaw is clenched stubbornly. "You lied and said you were a virgin just to get me to sleep with you. And I know you slept with her." I say the word her as an expletive.
"What the fuck are you talking about? I was a fucking virgin when I slept with you—you are the one and only woman I have ever made love to. You! Who the hell said I wasn't a virgin, huh? Was it Alexis?" He's holding me tighter, ensuring I can’t run.
"Yes." I'm so mad I could cry. "She obviously knew things about you," I spit out, narrowing my eyes as I lower my voice. "Private things."
"Private things? Like what? That I have a massive cock? I messed around with her. It was years ago, back when I was studying for my undergrad. She means absolutely nothing to me. I didn't even know she would be here."
"Yeah, I'm sure you didn't." I turn my head, unable to keep eye contact any longer. Just thinking about him in bed with her makes me want to vomit.
"Are you fucking believing her word over mine? Some little cunt spouts lies and you're going to believe it?" He stiffens and moves his hand down to my ass, squeezing too tightly before lifting his hand and smacking the same ass cheek—hard. Oh God, it stings.
"Noah!"
His chest is rising and falling quickly. His jaw is clenched. Did he just smack my ass?
"Stop this shit, or I'll do it again," he hisses through his teeth.
I'm stunned. "Stop what?" I hiss back at him, reaching around and moving his hand off of me.
"Stop believing these lies. I have never lied to you. Why the hell would I chase you across the country and now halfway around the world, if that were a lie? If you were just one hell of a good fuck?"
I'm biting the inside of my cheek as he leans in and grips the back of my neck with one hand, angling me so his tongue flutters at the shell of my ear. My stomach constricts and I almost dissolve into his arms. I haven't felt him in weeks and his tongue is sending my body into overdrive. I don't mean to allow it, but a gasp escapes me.
His darkened mood lifts a little when he whispers, "I want this relationship to work, and for it to mean more to you than any other relationship has ever meant. I'll do anything to get you back, to have you be my ballerina again."
His lips move along my jaw and he kisses me before I'm able to think about everything he just said. I'm a ball of shaking nerves. I can't think. I can't respond. My fingers grip the front of his shirt on their own accord.
He loosens our laced fingers then binds me in his arms. He waits for me to move before bringing his lips against mine. It's now that I realize what a mess I am. My entire body is damp with perspiration and I'm in my black leotard with a black wraparound skirt. His chest expands as he speaks against my lips when I refuse to move. "Let me in, baby."
I shake my head and pull back. "Let me go, Noah."
He tries to swallow as he looks down to the ground. "Why?"
I instantly feel horrible. I just need a few seconds to think about everything. I can't with his lips on mine. Thank God he's holding me because my legs are feeble.
I struggle to pull myself together when he looks up at me. "Why are you here? For her? Your new ballerina?" I ask.
He closes his eyes briefly then looks up. His nostrils flare and his jaw clenches while he inhales deeply. His voice is constricted when he responds.
"No. I'm here to win you back. I'm here for you, and only you—my only ballerina. I can guarantee you that I'm not leaving this country without you."
"I..." Not knowing what to say to him, I stammer. I can't fall in love with him. It can't happen. He's still lying. He was texting her.
"You what? I need you to talk to me." His warm, smooth hand moves to the back of my neck, gently running the pad of his thumb over my searing skin.
My eyes flutter closed. His touch calms me and he knows it. "You've been texting her."
He pulls me close and breathes me in. "Who have I been texting? Your sister?"
I shake my head. His closeness is killing me. I want him. I need him. Even if just for one more night. "Her. I saw you text her."
"Alexis? I don't even have her number. How would I text her? Why would I even want to text her?" he says quickly.
I look down at my toes because I know now that I believed every lie she's fed me. How could I have been so stupid?
Because I wanted any reason to push him away, any reason I could find. "I need some time."
He nods slowly and kisses my temple. It feels like he's the one who broke up with me, the one who broke my heart, and he's asking me to come back...but it's not. I did that to him and he's strong enough and so willing to take me back.
I don't deserve him. I know I don't.
He swallows his emotions before releasing me. His eyes water, but he stands firm and nods again. "You have my number."
It's official: I've never felt so bad about myself. I've made this man upset more times than I can count. I nod my assent and look away. "I'll text you later. I need to go shower."
He stands there watching me as I walk away from him and back into the hallway to Dillen, where she's holding back a throng of ballerinas, all trying to eavesdrop. "Let's go."
She hands me my bag as I walk briskly past Alexis. She heads to where Noah and I were standing and I don't even care. I have to get out of here, go somewhere to clear my thoughts.
We're walking quickly down the empty corridors and out to the parking lot to Dillen’s car when she finally asks, "Well? What happened?”
I fill her in on everything as she drives to her place. What he said, what he looked like, how he smelled. "I can't believe he's even here, Dill," I say, as I get out of the car when she parks. "I’ve got so much to think about and I don't know where to begin."
"Take your time, little shit; everything is going to be okay. Hell, I wish Coen or some man would chase me like he chases you."
I grimace when my stomach flips again, thinking about what she just said. "It is kind of sweet, huh?" I say, smiling softly, as we walk into the apartment.
“Kind of? Heather, he is head over heels for you.”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I change the subject—I need to sit and think. "Okay, I'm going to shower.”
“Okay, I’m going to nap then go online shopping. Feel free to join.”
I laugh and head to my room. "The nap or shopping?" I call out over my shoulder.
“Both!” she yells out and goes into her room.
I head into the bathroom. As the hot water hits me, I think about his lips on mine, the smell of his cologne, and the sound of his voice.
I missed him. So badly. I have to admit to myself that I didn't want him to stop touching me. When he promised me that he wasn't leaving the country without me, I wanted to just give in. He's so freaking passionate about what he wants. And right now, he desires me. I'm beyond afraid to fall in love with him. But if he knows that, maybe this could work. Maybe we could just see each other like this. Maybe I made an irrational decision and should have asked his opinion beforehand.
After my long shower, I’m getting ready for bed when my phone vibrates on the nightstand. I pick it up and open my inbox to a new email from Noah.
To: Heather Lane
From: Noah Ryan
Subject: My Thoughts
My little ballerina,
I've been lost without you these past few weeks. I can't begin to describe the constant physical ache I have inside of me. A part of who I am has left me, but I'm going to fight to get that part back. I admit, I should have fought for it much sooner. And I should have fought much harder to keep it, but life has a way of taking the things we cherish and setting fire to them then laughing when we are made to watch that treasured item burn in front of us. I've lost you, and life is determined not to let me forget. There's a constant burning ember that won't be extinguished, no matter how hard I try to stomp it out.
Heather, to me, you are the most cherished thing that has ever been mine. I can't begin to explain how empty I feel. Before you, I lost everyth
ing, and then you slid right on in like you knew you belonged in my life, like you knew you could numb the pain of the knife in my back. You did exactly that. If you're reading this then you've let me go again, and you have my word that I'll watch that ember burn for the rest of my life. That ember is the only visible light in my life, and as much as you push me away from you, know that what I feel for you won't fade. I'm no good with goodbyes—I just walk away. I did that to you and I regret it immensely, but this time I hope I stood firm when you chased me away. I hope, more than anything, that I was strong enough to say goodbye and be the one to watch you walk away because I'll at least know where you're going.
I wrote this on the agonizing flight to London earlier today. I haven’t slept, I can’t eat, and I feel like I can’t breathe without you. I wanted you to know that I cared, and just how much.
Goodnight, gorgeous.
You’ll always be mine.
Noah Ryan.
I'm sitting on my bed with tears streaming steadily down my face. I can't hurt him any more. I scroll over to my favorites and hit dial.
“Heather?” I hear him answer, his voice thick with emotion.
"Hey. Did I wake you?"
“No, I just went to a chip shop for dinner. I’m headed over to the London Eye right now to see London from the sky at night.”
I can hear people buzzing around in the background and I’m so jealous of all the women who get to lay their eyes on him.
"Oh okay. Well, I won't keep you. I just got your email and I..."
I turn my head away from the phone so he doesn't hear me sniffle. "Do you want to meet up tomorrow?"
“Tomorrow?” He speaks again before I can reply. “Would you…have you been to the London Eye yet? If not, I’d like to take you.”
"No, I haven't. Do you want me to meet you?"
“I’m not going to push you, but I’d really enjoy it if you’d join me.”
