by Ivy Jordan
My chest felt heavy as I remembered leaving. I loved Alyssa with all my heart, even as I left her. I thought I was doing the right thing by her, but obviously, I hadn’t.
“We were young,” I sighed.
“Did you find someone else to love?” she pushed.
“Your mom is the only woman I’ve ever loved,” I smiled as I pulled into a space near the greenhouse.
I’ve never stopped loving Alyssa.
Holly’s eyes brightened, and her smile beamed at my response. I stepped out of the truck, walked to her side, and opened the door.
“My lady,” I grinned, helping her down from the tall truck.
She giggled. It was eerie to hear she had my laugh. Wow!
I lingered behind Holly as she bounced through the aisles of flowers. She pointed to the ones she liked, and I loaded them onto our cart. Once we had enough to lure every butterfly in the city to my backyard, we headed out of the store.
“Are you hungry?” I asked.
She nodded eagerly.
I loaded the truck bed with the flowers and then helped Holly into the truck. We drove to the diner, parked in front, and I noticed people staring as I opened the passenger door to let her out onto the sidewalk.
“They’ve never seen me with my dad before,” Holly beamed, stepping out onto the sidewalk.
“They’ve never seen me with my daughter before,” I joked.
Holly gripped my arm as we walked into the diner. The same strange looks shot in our direction, but I didn’t care.
“They’ll get used to it,” she chirped, sliding into the booth near the front window.
Yes, they would, but would I?
Holly talked about school, her friends, and how they were going to ‘flip out’ once they knew she had her dad here. I didn’t get much of a chance to talk myself as she rambled on about the room at my house, how she’d decorate it pink, maybe this weekend, and how she’d like to get a puppy since I had a fenced in yard.
Everything was moving so quickly. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for all this, but it was obvious Holly was. I’d have to figure it out. I was a father. Fuck, that sounded so wild.
I pulled up in front of Maria’s house. It was where Alyssa lived when she was younger. Now, Alyssa and Holly lived a couple blocks closer to my house, but I still never found out if they lived alone or shared the house with Bruce.
I climbed out of the truck, saddened that my evening was over. Holly was an amazing little girl, full of energy, insight, and love. I was already starting to miss her as I opened her door to help her from the truck.
“Hurry up, girl,” Maria’s unmistakable voice called from the porch.
Holly wrapped her arms around my waist, hugging me tightly, and then ran towards the house and her grandmother.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she called back, waving frantically as she rushed past Maria, and into the house.
I started to walk back to the truck, but Maria moved towards me, letting the old wooden screen door slam back to the house with a burst. Shit!
“You better be planning to stay this time,” she hissed as she neared me.
“I am,” I smiled as politely as I could muster.
“Good. I don’t need you hurting another one of my girls,” she growled.
“Not going to happen,” I insisted.
Her dark eyebrows pushed down, and her eyes turned nearly black. There was something scary about the woman, even though I towered over.
“Yeah. It’s time to man up,” she mumbled as she started to walk away.
My fists clenched, heat consumed my skin, and I could feel my teeth grinding together as I fought to keep my comments to myself.
“You’ve got some nerve. You knew all this time, and you never told me I had a daughter. I’ve lost eleven years, and I’m not about to miss a day more,” I growled, staring deep into Maria’s eyes.
It was obvious I’d shaken her because she didn’t speak. She turned back around, huffed, and rushed into the house without looking back.
Chapter Eight
Alyssa
“Wow, you look fuckin hot,” Bruce spewed, reaching his hand towards me as I walked by.
“Watch your language,” I warned, pulling away from his hand as it slid across my backside.
“She’s in her room,” he snarled, looking towards the hallway where Holly’s room was the last door on the right.
“It doesn’t matter,” I sighed.
I wasn’t in the mood to go out. Bruce insisted we go out to celebrate his promotion, but I didn’t see the need. It wasn’t a promotion as far as I could tell. It was just a glorified title upgrade. He was promoted to head mechanic: more hours, but no more money.
“I love that dress,” he growled, sucking down his beer and reaching for another one from the cooler by his feet.
Bruce leaned back against the couch cushion, his knees wide apart and poking out towards the coffee table. He grinned, watching me finish brushing out my hair. I knew that look all too well. He was horny, ready to forget the night out and stay in the bedroom, but that would pass soon enough. Another beer in his system, and he’d roar that he was ready to roll, slap me on the ass, and then, of course, have me drive while wearing my high heels. What did I see in this guy?
“Is he here yet?” Holly asked, poking her head from her bedroom door.
“Not yet,” I smiled nervously.
I was still uneasy about sharing my daughter, even though it was with Liam, her father.
“At least I’ll finally get to meet this character,” Bruce smirked in my direction.
“Please don’t be rude,” I pleaded, knowing Bruce had a tendency to come on strong when he was threatened.
“Why would I be rude? I just want to get to know the man that’ll be in my step-daughter’s life,” he winked.
A smile forced onto my face only to be polite. Bruce had hinted about marriage several times, but I knew he’d never ask. What I didn’t know was if I’d accept if he did.
“Just try to be nice,” I sighed.
I stood in front of the large mirror on the living room wall. My blue dress was tight and short, and my fingers whitened at the knuckles as I tugged on it, pulling it down lower onto my legs.
“I can’t wait to get you outta’ that dress,” Bruce hissed.
His charm was lingering as vulgar to me, instead of its usual effect of making me giddy. For the first time, I was beginning to see Bruce as others saw him: as kind of a jerk.
“In fact, let’s just take it off now since you’re fidgeting. I don’t know why you just didn’t wear jeans tonight. You’re making me look bad,” he chuckled.
My long dark hair flowed down my shoulders, perfectly brushed, and my makeup was applied flawlessly. I’d picked this dress, for the reason I thought of Bruce’s promotion, but now I was thinking it may have been for another. Was I trying this hard for Liam?
“I just wanted to look nice,” I muttered, still wondering for who.
Bruce had that ‘ready to pounce’ look in his eye, and I knew he’d be frustrated by my constant rejection. After all, this was supposed to be his night.
A loud knock on the front door, followed by two more, pulled me away from Bruce’s attempts once more, this time with a good excuse.
I moved to the door and opened it to Liam. He stood tall, wearing a button down black dress shirt, black slacks, and gray cowboy boots. My eyes moved up from his outfit to his eyes, so blue they instantly swallowed me like a rogue wave in the sea.
“You look stunning,” he smiled, his voice as thick as honey dripping from his lips.
“Thank you,” I whispered, opening the door to let him inside.
Bruce sat up, scooting to the edge of the couch as he pounded the rest of his beer with one gulp. His eyes were locked onto Liam, waiting for an introduction, a challenge, possibly for him to become intimidated and retreat, never to be seen again.
“Liam, this is Bruce,” I broke the tension with a quick introducti
on.
Bruce didn’t get up. Instead, he sat in his spot as if guarding the territory.
“Nice to meet you,” Liam said politely, moving towards Bruce with his hand extended.
“Dad!” Holly roared as she rushed down the hall, into the living room, and directly into Liam’s arms.
Liam didn’t seem phased by her overly sweet greeting. Instead, he knelt down to her level, scooping her into his arms with a warm embrace.
“You look amazing,” he whispered in her ear.
Holly gripped the ends of her skirt and twirled with red cheeks to show off her new dress. She’d spent as much time as I had getting ready for her date: a daddy-daughter date, she’d called it.
Bruce looked disturbed by the interaction, and I knew he’d surely say something rude if given any more time to ponder.
“Everything she needs is in her backpack. If you need anything, just call,” I said, handing the bag to Liam.
“Call Maria. We’ll be out late,” Bruce chimed in.
“Unless it’s an emergency,” I corrected, giving Bruce a quick glare.
“We’ll be fine,” Liam assured me.
Holly’s smile was wider than I’d ever remembered it as she took her dad’s hand and walked out of the door. Liam, on the other hand, had a cool face as he gave Bruce a quick nod before exiting.
I was relieved they were gone, away from Bruce’s glares.
Surprisingly, Bruce didn’t comment on Liam after he left. I’d expected a snide comment, something crude, but he just got up and took my hand.
“You ready to go?” he asked sweetly.
I nodded.
Bruce handed me his keys and leaned in for a quick kiss on my cheek. “Do ya mind?” he asked.
I knew he’d already been drinking, so being the designated driver for the night was expected. It was like that most nights.
I was surprised when Bruce told me he’d made reservations at the steakhouse just outside of town. It was new, nice, and a little pricey. We normally grabbed the special at the local diner, and then hit up the bar on the corner for a few beers while listening to the band.
Bruce quickly got out of the car as I parked, moving to my door before I could open it myself. He pulled on the handle and met me with a wide grin and an extended hand, something he’d rarely done before.
The line rolled out of the steakhouse’s front doors and into the parking lot. Bruce gripped my hand tightly and maneuvered his way through the crowd. The woman at the hostess stand looked stressed but offered a smile anyhow.
“Do you have a reservation?” she questioned.
“Yes,” Bruce said proudly, and then gave her the name.
Her exhausted look faded into a more calmed smile as she pulled out two menus from under her podium and ushered us to a small table in the back.
“You do look amazing,” Bruce said as we were left alone at our table.
“Thanks,” I blushed, remembering that Liam used those exact words.
As soon as the waitress arrived, Bruce ordered two drinks, sending her away towards the bar. I was starving, but it was obvious Bruce was more concerned with getting his next beer.
“So, you still plan on trying this carnival thing?” he asked, watching over my shoulder anxiously for the waitress.
“Fall carnival, and yes,” I answered.
I started explaining my plans, but he gave little personal attention to me during my details. His beer was delivered in front of him, releasing his tortured eyes from their daunting job of tracking the waitress in anticipation of it. She placed a yellow cocktail in front of me, something with a goofy name that Bruce ordered for me.
“Are you ready to order?” the waitress asked.
Bruce was ready to send her away, giving him time to down half his beer and order a new one before putting in his meal selection; I could see it in his eyes.
“Yes,” I quickly interjected, stopping him from prolonging my dinner any further.
Had he always been this selfish?
He looked irritated as he picked up his menu for the first time, scavenging through it for something edible from the four-star restaurant.
“I’ll have the catfish,” I smiled, handing the waitress my menu.
“Bring me the lobster tail and porterhouse,” Bruce spouted, leaning back in his chair like a king, leaving the menu on the table for the waitress to lean in and scoop up.
I’d been conservative with my order, deciding on the special that was priced lower than the other meals. I knew Bruce had gotten the promotion, but he didn’t get a raise. He could barely afford his bills. I started to feel guilty about him taking me out to a place like this and not feeling more connected to him. Truth was, I felt very distant from him for some reason.
“Why don’t you just let the old gossip hounds make their pies?” he questioned.
“I think it would be fun to have something new, something exciting. I’m tired of the same old thing,” I groaned.
His eyes widened as they stared across the table.
“I think it’s stupid to try and fix somethin’ that isn’t broke,” he commented.
“It doesn’t have to be broke to be boring,” I argued.
“I just mean, you have enough on your plate already. Why add more?” he questioned.
“I think a change would be good for me,” I snapped back, realizing my tone was harsher than expected.
Was this about the fall carnival still or some other change I wanted in my life?
The conversation halted as Bruce waved down the waitress for another beer.
I looked around the room in our silence, watching other couples smile and laugh as they enjoyed their meals. I wasn’t as happy.
I was grateful when the waitress brought our meals, giving us something to do besides sit there awkwardly.
Four beers, two finished meals, and a skip on dessert later, the bill arrived. Bruce reached behind him, fumbling, and then offered up a wide, nervous grin.
“I left my wallet,” he whispered.
This wasn’t the first time that Bruce ‘left his wallet’ so I wasn’t sure why I was so surprised.
“I got it,” I sighed, snatching up the bill.
It was more than I made in two nights at my second job. Bruce finished his beer as I slid my credit card into the black envelope with the bill.
“Thanks, babe,” he gushed, reaching across the table to hold my hands.
I didn’t want to hold his hands. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to just go home and climb into my bed alone.
Chapter Nine
Liam
“Please come to breakfast with us,” Holly begged.
I held the phone to my ear, listening to my daughter plead with me. Her mother’s voice was in the background, but I couldn’t make out what she was saying.
“I’m sure your mother and grandmother want some alone time with you,” I tried backing out of the topic.
“No. They’ve had eleven years with me,” she whined.
I chuckled. She was right. They did have eleven years. But, I still wasn’t sure how I felt about having breakfast with Maria and Alyssa.
“I can pick you up right after,” I offered.
“Please,” Holly pleaded.
How could I say no?
“You’re sure they don’t care?” I asked.
“Yes,” she exclaimed.
I hung up the phone as I slumped onto the couch. Fuck.
Maria answered the door when I brought Holly home the previous evening, and her glares were just as terrifying as they’d been when I first arrived home. I knew Alyssa was home. I could see her through the screen door, lying on the couch. Her beautiful blue dress was gone, replaced with jogging pants and a t-shirt. I didn’t see any sign of Bruce’s truck, which, for whatever reason, made me happy.
I ran my hands over my head. The once bald scalp was now growing a short pile of hairs, all blond like Holly’s. I thought about shaving, but winter was coming. I’d let it grow out so
me and then go into the local barber shop to get it trimmed up. Alyssa had always commented on my hair, how blond it was, and how much she loved it, so I wanted it back.
I pulled on a clean t-shirt, stretching it over my muscles, and then tucking it into my jeans. My stomach grumbled, and it wasn’t from hunger, but more from anxiety. I wasn’t ready to face Maria’s cold eyes or the warmth of Alyssa’s brown ones.
With a deep sigh, I pulled open the door to the diner. Maria’s glare was stiffening as I took my first steps towards their booth. Holly looked up, her eyes bright and cheerful, helping to ease some of the tension her grandmother created.
“Daddy!” she roared across the restaurant, people looking up from their meals to glance in my direction.
A few smiles, a few cold stares of confusion, and then Alyssa turned around. She was beautiful.
A faint smile appeared on Alyssa’s face but disappeared quickly as I made my way to the table. The only open seat was next to Alyssa, so I slid in, inhaling her sweet perfume.
“How are you, pipsqueak?” I spoke to Holly, avoiding the formalities of greetings to the women who I wasn't sure even wanted me there.
She giggled. Her cheeks turned pink, and her eyes squinted in my direction with a wrinkled nose to match.
“I’m not a pipsqueak,” Holly chuckled, still blushing.
“Compared to me, you are,” I teased, reaching across the table to grab her hand in mine.
I tried to imagine what she was like as a baby, a toddler, just younger, but I couldn’t. I hated that had been stolen from me, but I couldn’t hate Alyssa, even though I wanted to at times.
“Coffee?” the waitress asked me.
She was already placing plates down on the table in front of Maria and Alyssa, but not Holly.
“I waited for you,” Holly announced with a tone of irritation in her voice.
“Thank you, but you could’ve ordered,” I smiled.
Maria glared at me, her eyes cold, dark, and filled with distrust. I could understand why to an extent. I’d left her daughter, and it was a messy breakup, but I thought it was for the best. I loved Alyssa then, and still loved Alyssa now. I didn’t want to hurt her. I certainly didn’t want to leave her here alone to raise my child. She couldn’t hold that against me.
