“It’s good,” I say.
“Good,” he says. “You’ll let me know if things change, right?”
“Of course.”
Cam makes it so easy for me to talk to him, yet I just can’t bring myself to do it.
He would hate me if he really knew.
Traumatized.
Cam leaves school sometime between lunch and the last class of the day. I wonder where he’s gone and if he’s okay. I hope he’s not off on a dangerous mission, though I wouldn’t be surprised if he was.
I wonder if I’ll get to do more. I haven’t really had a taste of life after Spy School since we got back from Tokyo. That was such a fun trip.
I wonder who will be taking me home today, too. I know that I’m not allowed to really go anywhere by myself, at least not until whoever is behind the attacks is caught.
Attacks. I mean... there was one attack. Sure, it was a bad attack, but aside from a few notes, this person hasn’t tried anything else. If they really wanted me dead, wouldn’t I already be?
Tristan walks up to me after class.
My face grows warm when I think about last night.
We kissed.
Finally.
It was good, but now I’m in that awkward I-don’t-know-how-to-act phase. Do we keep kissing? I mean, I assume so. Why wouldn’t we? But now I’m overthinking literally everything because I’m nervous.
Gah.
“I am driving you home today,” Tristan says.
“Where’s Cam?” I ask.
“I actually don’t know,” he says. “He had to leave in the middle of class so I don’t know anything. I haven’t heard from him. I’m sure he texted one of the guys.”
“Okay,” I say.
I follow Tristan towards the parking lot.
“You’re not going to make me drive, right?” I ask.
“Not today,” he says. “I’m still traumatized from last night.”
Thank goodness.
Not that he’s traumatized, but that I don’t have to drive.
“I’m sorry my driving scared you,” I say.
“One time I was skydiving with the guys and Cam was supposed to check our parachutes. He thought it was Dylan’s turn. Everything was fine with everybody’s chute but mine. I didn’t get mine open until almost too late,” he says. “I actually broke my arm because I hit the ground so hard. So, I wasn’t scared while you were driving. Not in the sense that I thought I was going to die. I was just scared for you. I think it’s important for you to know how to drive. You can’t always depend on other people to drive you around. And someday, when we have those hypothetical children, I want them to be safe.”
I roll my eyes and stick out my hand. “Fine. I’ll drive.”
He grins and passes over the keys.
This is exactly what he wanted.
I can be fearless.
Before I get in the car, I check behind me to see how much space I have. I know he’s going to want me to use the mirrors, but it’s so hard to judge distance in the mirror. I’m used to my car beeping if I get too close to something. Tristan sees what I’m doing and shakes his head at me, but he keeps his mouth shut.
I’m a little nervous as I get behind the wheel. It’s not like I didn’t drive a lot at home, it’s just I always drove to the same places. I suppose I do the same here, so it can’t be that different.
I back the car out of the parking space. I make sure to check my mirrors before looking behind me.
“Good job,” Tristan says.
I grin at his compliment.
Maybe learning to drive wouldn’t be so bad as long as the guys are teaching me.
This time, when I pull out onto the road, I make sure to swing out a little farther so don’t drive over the curb. I have to remember that this SUV is a lot bigger than the small car my mom bought for me.
The entire drive home, I try to stay focused—watching my speed, staying in my own lane and keeping my eyes on the road so I don’t run any stop signs. When I pull into the driveway even I am impressed with myself.
“How did I do?” I ask, as I put the car in park.
“Excellent,” he says. “Ten out ten.”
Just as I am getting out of the car, I hear Tristan’s phone go off. I imagine it’s one of the guys calling to make sure we made it home all right. They always check up on me, either via text or phone calls when they can.
“What?” Tristan asks, talking to the person on the line. There is a pause. “We’ll be right there.” He hangs up the phone. “Keys.”
I hold out the keys for him and he grabs them.
“Get in,” he says, running around to the other side of the car.
My heart is racing now.
Something is clearly wrong.
“What is it?” I ask.
Tristan doesn’t even wait for me to put on my seatbelt before he takes off, so I know it’s something big. He always waits.
“There was an accident,” he says.
“An accident?”
“Cam is fine,” he says. “We are going to meet the ambulance at the hospital and all the other guys.”
“Ambulance?” my voice breaks. “Are you sure he’s okay?”
“Yes,” Tristan says, reaching a hand over to grab mine. “I promise he’s okay. His arm is broken and they are going to check and make sure nothing else is wrong at the hospital.”
A broken arm?
Poor Cam. He must be in pain.
“What happened?” I ask.
“I guess we’ll find out when we get there,” he says.
Tristan squeezes my hand.
I wonder if he knows something and just isn’t telling me yet.
Even though Cam is all right, I’m still worried about him. A broken arm is a really big deal, especially for him. He’s always working out and that will put a damper on his training.
I’ll just have to take good care of him while he’s recovering.
My stomach is in knots and I know I won’t feel better until I see with my own eyes that Cam is all right.
Waiting.
When we get to the hospital, Cam is already there. They are doing scans and tests on him, then he’s taken in to surgery, so I don’t even get to see him. I’m just pacing in the waiting room, waiting for him to get out of surgery.
“He’s going to be fine,” Dylan says. “It’s just a broken arm.”
“And a concussion,” I say.
We still don’t know what happened. We haven’t gotten to talk to Cam. They wanted to get his arm set as quickly as they could. His concussion is mild, but it’s still scary. He also has some bruised ribs. It’s going to take him a little while to recover.
I’m just glad he’s okay.
Austin stands up. “Guys, I’m taking Zara for a drive.”
“A drive? I’m not leaving here,” I say. “Are you insane?”
“The doctor said it’ll be another hour before we can go in and see him.”
“I’m still not leaving.”
“You need to do something,” Stefan says. “You’re wound up really tight right now.”
“My b...” not boyfriend... “best friend is in surgery right now. I’m sorry if I’m a little anxious.”
“We need to talk, anyway,” Austin says.
“No, we don’t. Besides, you’re not the boss,” I say.
Cam is.
And he currently can’t give me any orders.
“Actually, Austin is second,” Tristan says. “Just go with him.”
I look at Dylan, hoping at least he will stand up for me. He just smiles at me but says nothing, meaning this is one fight I’ve lost.
“Fine,” I say. “But if we’re not back when Cam wakes up from surgery, I will hurt all of you.”
“That’s my girl,” Tristan says.
I stick my tongue out at him. Childish, I know. But I’m used to fighting with a two-year old and five-year old.
Well, Chloe is three now. I still can’t believe I missed
her birthday.
Austin grabs onto my hand and we walk towards the elevators. He’s walking slightly in front of me, pulling me along. I know I should just go, but the thought of leaving Cam here alone is too much right now. I just want to see him and know that he’s all right.
“We can just sit in the car in the parking lot and talk,” Austin says, once we get onto the elevator.
“Can’t we sit and talk in there?” I ask. “With the other guys?”
“You wouldn’t sit down. You kept pacing and you were making the others nervous,” he says.
He’s right.
I wouldn’t have sat down in there. It seems impossible to sit down right now. I don’t want to relax.
Maybe I should start trusting these guys. Somehow, they seem to know me better than I know myself.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “You’re right. I was kind of being annoying. I just am so worried about him. Do you think he’s really okay?”
“Yes,” he answers. “He’s going to be sore and need a month or two to recover, but he’s okay, Zara. I know you care deeply about him, but worrying this much isn’t good for any of us.”
“I know.”
The elevator doors open, so we walk to the parking garage. Austin still holds my hand which is comforting. The last time we hung out, things were left on if-y terms. He wouldn’t even hold my hand. I know he’s only doing it now to comfort me because Cam is hurt, but I still like it.
We both climb into the car and Austin starts it just so we can get some heat.
It’s cold tonight, just under thirty-two degrees. Or zero, I guess, but I don’t think I’ll ever measure temperature using Celsius.
“We need to talk,” Austin says.
The tone of his voice has me turning my head to look at him. He’s got a somber expression on his face and that worries me.
“What is it?” I ask.
My voice trembles as I ask. I’m worried what his answer is going to be.
“When Cam was in his car accident, he was on his way to help Zach with something,” he says.
“Zach is okay, right?” I ask, my heart racing twice as fast now.
“Zach is fine. He’s on his way here now.”
I let out the huge breath that I was holding.
I don’t know what I would do if something happened to Zach. He’s become so important to me, now.
“Cam’s accident wasn’t really an accident,” Austin says. “He was run off the road by somebody.”
Run off the road?
“You mean... by the same people who...” I don’t finish my sentence, but I don’t have to.
Austin nods.
“So, it’s my fault,” I say, tears immediately filling my eyes.
“No, it’s not. It’s the fault of whoever ran him off the road,” he says.
“But it’s because of me.”
“How is any of this because of you? That doesn’t even make sense.”
“Because the person you guys have been looking for is targeting me,” I say.
“You arrived at Spy School two months ago, Zara. Two months,” Austin says, shaking his head. “This person is after you because of Zach. It has nothing to do with you. If you want to put blame on an innocent person then you should blame Zach.”
Dang it, he’s right.
“It’s not Zach’s fault,” I say.
“And it’s not yours, either.”
I nod. “Okay.”
“I just wanted you to know the truth before we went to see Cam,” Austin says. “I just didn’t want you to freak out in front of him. He really needs his rest.”
Freak out?
Is that what Austin really thinks of me? That I’m delicate or fragile in some way? That I will freak out?
But haven’t I freaked out?
Cam was hurt and I have every reason to freak out right now, but I shouldn’t. I need be strong—not only for Cam but for all the guys.
“I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better in the future,” I say. “I clearly need to work on my stress management.”
“Maybe you should take a yoga class or something,” Austin says.
“Would you take it with me?” I ask.
“You know I will,” he says. “I’d do anything for you.”
His words make my heart swell.
“Thanks.”
“Welcome.”
Austin and I might have our differences right now, but I know things will work out.
Who do I have to kill?
Austin and I head back up not too long after that and they finally let us all in to see Cam. Cam is awake from his surgery, but his eyes are glassy. They probably have him pumped up with pain medication.
Cam’s arm has a black cast on it.
Of course, he chose black. Now I won’t be able to sign his cast. That’s the best part of having a broken bone—having people draw on your cast.
He’s also hooked up to a bunch of wires and there is an IV in his hand.
The worst part is his face. He is black under his eyes, like somebody punched him really hard on both sides.
“What happened to your face, man?” Austin asks.
He could’ve asked more subtly.
“Air bag,” Cam answers, his voice sounding rough.
Seeing him lying in the hospital bed, I feel angry.
Really, really angry.
Nobody messes with my boys and gets away with it. I’ve had enough of this creep.
“Who do I have to kill?” I ask.
The guys laugh.
But I’m serious.
“You’re not murdering anybody tonight,” Dylan says.
“I’m stuck here until the doctor releases me. He says I can go home tomorrow. They want to keep me overnight,” Cam says.
“Then I will stay with you,” I say.
“We all will,” Stefan says.
I smile.
I like that.
All of us together.
This is how it’s supposed to be.
“Can somebody get me a burger or something?” Cam asks. “I’m starving.”
“Are you allowed to eat?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he says.
“Stefan and I will go get food,” Tristan says.
“Can I have a burger too?” I ask.
“Duh,” he says.
“Everybody want burgers and fries?” Stefan asks.
We’re all hungry.
We got the call about Cam before we could eat dinner and now it’s nearly nine o’clock at night so we’re all hungry.
“And a chocolate shake,” I say.
Tristan grins at me, shaking his head.
“We’ll be back,” Stefan says.
They leave to get our food, so I walk close to Cam’s bed.
“I was worried about you,” I tell him.
He scoots over in his small hospital bed and pats the space beside him. “Get in.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t hurt me,” he says.
“Fine,” I say.
I carefully get in the bed, trying not to accidentally bump him. I’m pretty sure when a nurse comes to check on him they will kick me out, but if Cam wants me to lie with him, I will. It’s the least I can do.
“I’m not so fragile,” he says.
“You have a broken arm,” I say. “And a concussion. And bruised ribs. You kind of are fragile right now.”
“You’re sweet,” Cam says. “But I promise I’m okay.”
He scoots close to me and kisses my forehead, so I relax.
Austin and Dylan take a seat on the couch. I wonder how we’re all going to fit in here tonight to sleep, but I’m sure the guys will figure it out. They always do.
I love our team. We always stick together, no matter what.
No matter what the future brings, I know we can last through anything.
I decide not to worry anymore about jealousy or ‘choosing’ one to date, because I know things will work out i
n the end. I will end up with the one I am meant to end up with. I just need to trust my guys to figure it all out.
It’s us against the world.
Saturday, October 20
Should I be jealous?
Austin.
I walk into Cam’s hospital room about two o’clock in the morning with a large coffee.
The guys and I have been taking shifts standing guard. We know the hospital is safe, we just don’t want to take any chances when it comes to safety, especially since Zara is here.
Cam and Zara are both cuddling in his bed, sound asleep.
Zara is beautiful when she sleeps.
I feel like I should be jealous of the fact that Cam has an arm around Zara. Maybe I should be jealous that she has her head on his chest. But I’m not. Not even in the slightest. I know that he needs her now more than I do.
I’ve been so mad all week about what Tristan said last weekend.
Share Zara.
She’s not a possession.
She’s a human being.
But maybe there is some merit to what he said. What if we could all date her at the same time. No jealousy. No choosing. Just the six of us, together.
Growing up, I saw how hard my parents had it. My dad was on a different team than my mom. I could never understand why he choose to do missions without her. I know that he went through torture training and she didn’t, so she couldn’t do as much of the classified stuff. But he chose to leave her behind. I saw how hard that was on their marriage.
I don’t want that. I don’t want to have to leave my future wife behind for months, even years, at a time so I can go save the world. That just isn’t right.
Could this be the answer to our problem? Could it really be the solution?
I think about all the times I’ve seen Zara hold hands with the other guys. She always does. But I’m never jealous. At least, I wasn’t until Tristan suggested what he did last weekend.
I wanted to be jealous because that is what’s ‘normal.’ But I wasn’t actually jealous.
Maybe this really could work, though. Maybe we could all have our happy ending with her.
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