She smoothed her hands up and down her thighs, wiping the sweat from her palms.
Right, calm. Not.
She sucked in a deep breath and let it out. Either she talked now, or Dr. Porter would continue to badger and probe until she did open up. Frustrated with him, and herself for putting off what she needed to face, she tried. She wanted to be well.
“We drove into the town on our way to drop supplies for one of the Ranger teams. We followed the lead security vehicle. It turned a corner. I turned to follow, but a man stepped out of a doorway a block up with a rocket propelled grenade launcher on his shoulder. I remember staring at him in disbelief like it couldn’t be real. You know it could happen. You even expect it. But when it happens, and you’re staring at death, it’s kind of surreal.
“I remember thinking if not for the food poisoning that hit the group, I wouldn’t be there. I’d be safe back at base.”
“There is no rhyme or reason for the way things happen, Jamie. It’s just life happening.”
She didn’t have an answer for that, except that if it hadn’t been her driving that truck, someone else would have been and they might have died or been hurt in her place. Nothing would have stopped the events. It was just dumb luck she was the one behind the wheel that day. Otherwise, it would have been someone she put in that seat.
“The enemy fired,” Dr. Porter prompted when she got lost in thought.
“I couldn’t go forward. The security vehicle was blocked ahead of us, too. I yelled for Tobin to get out. I made a run for it. The rocket hit the truck moments after I opened the truck door and jumped out. I didn’t clear the blast fast enough. A wave of heat and fire took me down. My clothes caught on fire. Tobin tackled me and smothered the flames with his body. He suffered some minor burns. Nothing significant. He saved my life.”
The words didn’t relieve her in any way. They amped up the adrenaline and fear and desperation coursing through her veins. Tobin’s heroic actions should make her feel grateful, but something ominous swept through her like a premonition of death that left her cold. Those pieces of the puzzle that left black holes in her mind.
“Then what happened?”
“Everything at once. Slow. And fast. Out of sorts and strange and incomprehensible.”
“Think it through. You’re on the ground. Tobin is with you, lying on your back. Does he administer first aid? Call for backup? Say anything to you? What does he do?”
“It burns and I’m screaming in pain.” She shook her head, trying to erase the images from her mind and the echo of pain that seared her back. “He pours a canteen of water all over my back. My head is swimming, ears are ringing. I’m dizzy and disoriented from the explosion. People are shouting and screaming. There’s the rapid fire of guns everywhere. The security team is fighting the insurgents pouring into the area to get to the supply trucks and take everything.
“Smoke clouds us in cover, but all I want is for it to clear so I can breathe. It hurts to breathe. The blackness crowds in, but I try to stay awake. I’m scared to pass out. What will happen to me if I pass out?”
A comforting hand settled on her shoulder.
“A bellow of pure agony rips from Tobin’s throat. I’ve never heard anything like it. I want to tell him I’m okay, but the pain and the burning and the smoke choking my throat make it impossible to speak.” She stared at nothing, seeing everything in that moment so clearly it scared her all over again. “He thinks I’m dead. I want to be to stop the pain.”
A warm hand brushed up her shoulder and neck to her cheek. Callused roughened fingertips swept away the tears streaking down her face. Soft lips pressed to her temple bringing her back to reality and her living room. Not the war zone that changed her life forever.
She closed her eyes and whispered, “Ford.” The feel of his head pressed to the side of hers, his hand on her face, the strong presence of him behind her, leaning over the couch, warmed her from the outside in, all the way to her frozen bones. “When did you get here?”
“A few minutes ago. You didn’t hear me when I pulled up and honked. Are you okay?”
She sighed. “I am now.”
“Jamie, you did really well.” Dr. Porter sat back in his chair. “Nice to meet you, Ford. I’m glad you showed up when you did. I’d hate to leave Jamie alone after such a breakthrough.”
“I hate to leave her alone anytime.”
Dr. Porter smiled. “She told me you’ve been really good for her. Work is helping her heal.”
“It’s selfish really. I get her to do the chores and I get to spend time with her.”
“Noble, I see,” Dr. Porter teased along with Ford.
Their easy manner helped to settle Jamie even more. With Ford beside her, touching her, she breathed easier. The past slipped away, and she settled in reality with him. Just where she wanted to be.
Something jumped up and pawed at her legs. Jamie looked down and into the big brown eyes of a chocolate Lab puppy. She gasped and reached for the dog, pulling it up on her lap. It immediately climbed her chest and licked her face.
“Where did you come from?”
“Now you’ll never be alone, Firefly.”
“You got me a puppy?”
“If you don’t want her, I’ll take her home with me. I’ve got a huge ranch for her to run around on, you know.”
“No way.” She held the puppy up in front of her, staring at the tiny creature’s cute little face. “You’re staying with me, aren’t you?”
Dr. Porter smiled on the laptop screen and nodded his approval. “What’s her name?”
Ford patted the puppy’s head. “She doesn’t have one yet. It’s up to you, Jamie.”
Jamie nuzzled her nose into the dog’s soft fur. “Zoey.”
“Zoey, meet Jamie. You’re in charge of making her smile.” Ford rubbed behind Zoey’s ears.
Jamie realized she was indeed smiling.
“Looks like she’s good at her job.” Dr. Porter tapped off the alarm signaling the end of their session. “We’ll talk again soon. You did really well today, Jamie. I’m glad to see you’re opening up. One last thing. If Tobin calls, are you going to talk to him?”
She held the puppy at her chest, her soft head beneath Jamie’s chin. “I need more time and distance so it doesn’t suck me back into that dark place I can’t escape.”
“You did escape it, Jamie. Look at you right now. Look how far you’ve come in just a few short days. Keep doing what you’re doing.” Dr. Porter turned his gaze to Ford, who still leaned over the back of the couch and kept his hand on her shoulder, his thumb absently brushing against her face. “You’re good for her. Keep doing what you’re doing. Slow and easy so she has time to adjust.”
Ford nodded. “Whatever she needs.”
“Expect setbacks and resistance.”
“She’s very good at that.” The humor in Ford’s voice didn’t undermine the truth in his words.
Dr. Porter nodded his agreement and ended the video chat.
Ford kissed the side of her head again. “Let’s take Zoey for a walk and get you some fresh air.”
Jamie turned and kissed Ford. Zoey got in on the action, licking his chin. Ford pulled back, smiling and chuckling.
Jamie stared up at him. “I’m glad you’re here.”
Ford leaned down and kissed her again. “There’s no place I’d rather be. Come outside with me.”
Jamie stood with the puppy in her arms. She came around the couch and took Ford’s outstretched hand. He pulled her out the door and down the porch steps. Jamie leaned down and set Zoey on the grass. She high stepped, unsure of the texture beneath her paws. So cute the way she tried not to touch it, but was unable to escape it. Then she made a run for it, stumbling over her own huge paws and tumbling. Jamie laughed along with Ford at her unsteady antics and happy yapping.
“I think she likes it here.”
Ford wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her against his chest. “I hope you’re starti
ng to like it here.”
A week ago she wanted to leave this place for good. Now, more and more she wanted to stay and make a life with Ford. If only she could face her past so she could move on with her future, unburdened like Dr. Porter said. She wanted to shove her past into the closet and never look at it again. Today she realized that dealing with it, examining it objectively, could be the path to leading a healthy, happy life again.
The puppy helped. She couldn’t be mired in the dark with such a sweet and happy little puppy bouncing around her feet, begging to be loved.
Ford helped, too. With him beside her, she breathed easier and let the weight of her dark thoughts go because she could rely on his strength and comfort to get her through anything. She didn’t want to lose him.
If she wanted to keep him and build a life with him, she needed to face her past. She hoped she had the strength to do so without messing up what she had with Ford.
She wouldn’t squander this chance at a real and happy future with him. Not like she’d done before. This time, she wouldn’t run away. This time, she’d hold on.
Chapter 13
Ford walked out of Dusty’s stall and closed the gate, trying to figure out how the horse managed to bust the latch on the outer gate and escape this morning. He spent an hour chasing down the horse, which led him to the second downed fence line in two days. Once he’d caught Dusty, he spent another hour rounding up the cows that got out of their pasture. It took two more hours to get the fence fixed on his own. By the time he made it back to the stables, Jamie had driven over and stood waiting for him, concerned because he hadn’t picked her up. He didn’t like to make her worry. He’d done enough of that for both of them these past weeks, trying to be there for Jamie while getting things done here before winter. All these little mishaps set him back more and took him away from being with her. If he didn’t know better, he’d think himself jinxed. That or the animals had turned on him, hell-bent on escape.
He shook off the silliness of it and focused on the many jobs still left to do around here. Jamie worked in the tack room sorting out the bridles, halters, blankets, saddles, and other horse supplies Sadie left behind and he’d brought from Kendrick Ranch. He’d asked her to organize everything and put it up on the pegs and shelves, and in the bins he’d bought. Zoey snoozed in a wood crate on the blanket Jamie bought her along with her favorite stuffed squirrel with the squeaker in the tail. Zoey loved to carry it around with her, though she tripped over it most of the time. In another month, she’d find her coordination. In a year, she’d be bounding all over the ranch after him and Jamie.
The thought made Ford smile. Though he took Jamie home to her place each night, she’d settled in here with him and the horses. She loved working in the stables. He’d seen a real change in her the last week. Especially after he walked in on her talking to her shrink about what happened. She still didn’t remember everything. In fact, she’d asked her doctor to back off on going deeper into the shooting. She needed time to settle what she did remember in her mind.
Part of her resistance had to be from the calls she received but never answered. Ford asked about it, the way she tucked the phone away, out of sight, like she just couldn’t go there yet.
Tobin. He’d caught the part of her conversation with her doctor about the man who’d saved her life.
If he’d saved her, why didn’t she want to talk to him?
She denied any problem with the guy. She made it absolutely clear that she wanted to be here with Ford, in the moment, and let the past rest until she was ready to wake that beast again. Like her doctor, Ford didn’t push. She’d finally settled into her routine. Every day she smiled a bit more and spent less time locked inside her head and more time interacting with him, the horses, and Zoey. Best thing he’d ever done was give her the dog. The puppy demanded so much of her attention, Jamie didn’t have time to sit and wallow. Ford no longer worried about leaving Jamie home alone at night with the time and solitude to fall back into her anger and grief and guilt.
“Hey, pretty girl, I’m headed out to unload the supplies from the truck.”
“Okay,” Jamie said over her shoulder.
“I was talking to the dog,” he teased.
A laugh bubbled up from Jamie’s gut and brightened her flushed face. The temps had gotten hotter as July pushed toward August. Working on the ranch and in the sun gave her a healthy glow, though he constantly had to remind her to put on sunscreen to keep his redhead’s fair skin from burning. No matter how hot it got, she always wore a shirt that covered her back, shoulders, and upper arms. He hoped he’d convince her one day soon that the scars didn’t bother him.
Jamie planted her hands on her hips. “You’re so infatuated with her now, I pale in comparison, is that it?”
The intense attraction between them sizzled. Tired of fighting it, Ford closed the distance between them and stood a breath away from her but didn’t touch her. “I spend every second of the day fighting the urge to pull you into my arms and kiss you.”
“Why?”
“Why do I want to kiss you?”
She smiled. “No. Why do you fight it?”
Surprised she’d want him to give in to his impulses and touch her the way he wanted to, he studied her inquisitive stare. “Mostly because you need a friend and time to heal. Sometimes when I reach for you, I feel the way you hesitate or hold back.”
Her gaze fell to his boots. “I don’t mean to.”
“Listen, I think we need to clear the air about the way we parted. The things I said to you.”
“Ford, it’s all right. We were different back then. You had your reasons.”
“I did, but none of them had to do with not wanting you.”
Her gaze swept up him and settled on his. “Do you mean that?”
“Yes. Missing you is a sea of memories that flood my mind. You used to love to sing Aerosmith songs at the top of your lungs with the windows down on the back roads. The way your eyes used to light up when you saw me.”
“I couldn’t wait to get my hands on you the second I saw you.”
Ford held his hands out wide. “Have at it, honey.”
Jamie’s soft laugh died far too quickly.
He turned serious too and tried once again to reassure her that what they shared was real and true. “I felt the same way about you, wild to get my hands on you and feel your soft skin against me. Which is why most of the trips we took into town took twice as long, because we’d hit that back road with the secret turnoff to our favorite spot under that huge tree.”
“You made me late for work more often than not. I think about those stolen moments all the time. They saved me.”
His chest ached. If he could have been with her all those moments she’d needed him, he’d have moved heaven and earth to get to her.
“I’m glad you were able to still think of all the good times we shared even though things didn’t turn out the way we wanted.”
“You say ‘we,’ but you’re the one who changed his mind about leaving.”
“I couldn’t leave.”
Finally ready to hear him, she asked, “Why?”
“Two reasons. The ranch was in trouble. The money I saved, I sank back into the business so we didn’t lose the ranch. And I helped pay my grandfather’s medical bills.”
“Oh my God,” Jamie gasped, clapping her hand over her mouth, then sliding it down her neck. “Is he okay? He wasn’t at the parade or diner. You haven’t mentioned him before now.”
“I avoided it, hoping to have a chance to talk to you about this when you were ready to hear it.” He reached out and touched her beautiful face, her eyes filled with concern for his grandfather. “Granddad is fine. Now. When you came to the ranch that day, I had just come from seeing him in the hospital. He’d gotten dizzy, fell in the house, and hit his head. He suffered a concussion. High blood pressure combined with what we prayed wasn’t heart failure.”
“Ford!” She smacked him on the shoulder. “Why d
idn’t you tell me? I would have stayed and helped you through that difficult time.” Tears flooded her eyes. “Why would you keep that from me? You knew how I felt about you and your family.”
“Exactly. Your mother had become unrelenting. You kept pushing to leave, but I had to stay to help my family hold on to my parents’ legacy and get my grandfather through his medical emergency. It took him months to get his blood pressure and other issues under control and begin getting back on his feet. It took nearly two years for the ranch to recover from the drop in cattle prices and start making enough money to give us some breathing room. I couldn’t abandon my family in their time of need. I hated to let you go, but I felt it was the right thing to do for you.”
Jamie opened her mouth to protest again. But then regret and understanding filled her eyes and she stopped herself from speaking.
She turned and gripped one of the shelves, her head bent, and took a moment before she turned back to him. “I never stood up to my mother the way I should have. It’s hard. She’s my mom. I want her to act like it, but with every scornful word out of her mouth my hope that we’ll ever have a decent relationship dies a bit more. She will never be there for me the way I need. I’m better off on my own than with her in my life, but I’m not alone. I have Zac.”
“You have me.”
She took his hand and held it in both of hers. “I’m so happy I have you, but you want more than friendship and my working here.” She cocked her head just enough to glance back up at him.
“You know I do. It will happen in your own time.”
“Such confidence.”
“You’ve made amazing progress.”
“I’m just trying to impress you,” she teased with a soft smile.
“Your strength and determination and fight impress the hell out of me, Firefly.”
“You think I have all those things locked up, but I falter more often than not. Without the meds and counseling, I’d fall apart completely.”
He caressed her soft, pale, lightly freckled cheek. “Needing help isn’t the same as being helpless, Firefly. It takes a lot of strength to admit you can’t do everything yourself.”
His Cowboy Heart Page 13
