by Norma Klein
The screening was first. Then we were supposed to go to Charlie’s house for a party. I sat between Joshua and Deel. Joshua never holds my hand or tries to make out in the movies the way some boys do. He says movies are important and deserve your undivided attention, just like sex. He sits straight in his seat and doesn’t even eat popcorn.
I don’t know. I guess I can’t be objective about the movie either way. I didn’t think I was bad. That was what I was really afraid of, that I’d seem just awful, like I didn’t know what I was doing. There were some scenes where I was really good. One was a scene we did over and over and I remember I felt so tired at the end, but Charlie said that was good. He said when I was tired, I let my defenses down and just let emotion sweep over me. But there were some scenes where I think I looked self-conscious and funny, like I knew I was in a movie. I think it was a funny movie. People in the audience laughed. At some points they really roared, like the scene where my mother comes home unexpectedly and I dive under the covers and flatten out so she won’t know I’m in bed with Warren. I kept sneaking looks at Joshua, but he didn’t laugh that much. He just looked intent. Mom laughed out loud.
I guess the thing is you just can’t judge a movie you’re in, the way you can one you’re not in. Like, if I see a regular movie, I don’t even notice how the audience is reacting at all, whereas here I kept listening to see if they’d laugh, or I’d be surprised when they’d laugh at things I didn’t think were so funny. Also, I guess, whenever I wasn’t on, I kept waiting nervously for the times I would be again, so I didn’t pay as much attention as I should have to the other actors. And when I was on, I felt so self-conscious, not just because of it being me, but because of everyone in my family, plus Joshua, being there, and wondering and worrying what they were all thinking. It was like an exam that’s really important. The time went fast and slow. I felt exhausted when the lights finally came on. My heart was thumping a mile a minute. I looked over at Daddy.
“Well,” he said, smiling.
“I loved it, Tat,” Mom said. “I can’t get over it . . . where did you learn all that?”
“It’s in the genes,” Daddy said.
“Did you really like it?” I said. I know that was a stupid thing to say, since she just said she did.
“You were sensational,” Mom said. “No, I mean it. I’ve been acting for decades and you did things I couldn’t even . . . didn’t you think, Lionel?”
We decided to sit there till everyone had cleared out, so we wouldn’t be caught in the rush. I was glad because I didn’t want anyone coming up to me.
“Yes, it was an interesting . . . the way—” Daddy started to say.
“And I thought the nude scene was handled in perfect taste,” Mom rushed on. “Weren’t you relieved, darling?”
“Well, I—” Daddy began.
“I thought it was gross,” Deel said.
“The nude scene or the whole movie?” Daddy said.
Deel hesitated. “The nude scene.”
“What did you think, Joshua?” Mom said. “Aren’t you proud of Tat?”
Joshua had been sitting there quietly. Of course, with people he doesn’t know that well, he can be quiet. “I thought it was good,” he said.
I looked at him expectantly, thinking he’d say something more, about how he thought I was, but he didn’t.
“I think we can chance it now,” Daddy said, getting up. “All set?”
As we walked out, a woman rushed up to me and said, “Are you the little girl in the movie?”
“Of course she is,” her friend said. “Look at her hair.”
She squeezed my hand. “I thought you were just wonderful, dear. Just wonderful.”
“Thank you,” I said.
Mom and Daddy beamed, Deel scowled, and Joshua looked like some large water bug had just crawled up in front of him.
Outside, Charlie was talking with some friends. Abigail was next to him. “Here she is, everybody!” he said when he saw me. “My daughter of the spirit.” To Daddy he said, “You don’t mind, do you, Lionel? I need a daughter of the spirit. Here I am, born to be the father of daughters, and I have three sons. Where is the justice in life?”
“I’ll go get a cab,” Daddy said, and walked off.
“It’s a good movie,” Abigail said quietly, almost in surprise. “How was it seeing yourself, Tat?”
I frowned. “Funny . . . my voice sounded weird.”
“It’s hard seeing yourself for the first time . . . and you were on screen almost steadily. I really liked that part at the end where you’re in the car with Warren, about to drive to California, and you suddenly say, ‘I forgot Fred,’ and run to get your teddy bear. That was nice.”
Joshua and Deel were just standing around, looking awkward. I wished Joshua would at least say something! I wondered if he’d really hated it, or thought I was awful. But he could at least be polite! Just then, the boy who played Warren, Felix Propper, came over. He’s really twenty-four, not seventeen the way he’s supposed to be in the movie, but he looks young. He says now he doesn’t mind, but he always has to show his driver’s license before people’ll give him a drink. He’s gay and his friend, Marvin, who’s also an actor, used to visit him a lot on the set.
“So, how’s it going, Rust?” he said.
“Hi, Felix.”
“You were in the movie,” Deel said.
“Right.” He smiled at her. “I was terrific, right? You want my autograph? You want an autographed photo of me to hang over your bed at night, and gaze at soulfully on long winter afternoons.”
Deel smiled. “Yeah, well, you were good.”
“I was sensational,” Felix said. “You know, I was so scared I’d be awful. I was petrified! I’ve been on the toilet all day. I was ready to float away, Librium coursing through every vein . . . and then, as soon as I appeared on the screen, I thought: damn it, I’m good!” He grinned happily.
“What school do you go to?” Deel asked.
Felix smiled. “Well, the thing is, don’t let this spread too far, but I’m actually a grandfather, I just look young.”
“A grandfather?” Deel looked uncertain.
“No, I’m twenty-four, but I . . . it’s my boyish impetuosity. I’m Peter Pan. I never grew up.”
“Where’s Marvin?” I said. “Did he come?”
“Can you believe this? He was too nervous. I’m the one in the movie, and he’s too nervous. I’m going to call him. He said he’d come to the party. Listen, it was nice meeting you.” To Joshua he said, “Your sister’s a great kid. Very sexy. She’s going to knock ’em dead in a couple of years.”
After he left, Joshua said, “What is he, a fag, or something?”
“He’s gay,” I said. Fag is a gross word. I hate it when Joshua says things like that.
Daddy was waving at us from the corner. “Where’s Amanda?” he said.
“She went in a cab with Charlie,” Deel said.
We all piled in. Daddy sat in front next to the driver.
“Did you think it was a good movie?” I said finally to Joshua.
“Well, the pacing was a little slow in the beginning,” he said. “I think I would have done it differently. Serena Jowitt is really terrific.”
Serena Jowitt plays my mother. She’s been in lots of movies, usually in smaller parts. She’s not that pretty, not as pretty as Mom, but she has an interesting face. She looks sort of like a ballet dancer. Her hair is black, parted in the middle. She told me she’s part American Indian, I forget which part. She has really high cheekbones, and eyes that tilt up. Even though she’s thirty-six, she’s never been married. She says she’s scared of kids.
“Will she be at the party?” Joshua said, like that was the only thing he cared about.
I felt mad. “I don’t know . . . probably.”
I think I hate Joshua. I think he’s a mean person. If he was in a movie, a feature film, and had even a little part, even a walk-on part, I’d tell him he was wonderful whether
I thought it or not. I’d make a big fuss, and shower him with praise. And all he’s said so far is the pacing was slow, and Serena Jowitt was terrific.
I decided to get drunk at the party. They had champagne, which is the only drink I like that you can get drunk on. Charlie lives on the 30th floor with this really beautiful view of Central Park. His living room is gigantic, but it doesn’t have much furniture in it. What I like is he has a chair shaped like a person. I wish I had a chair like that.
Mom was already at the party, talking to the man who played my father. Not Warren’s father, who married my mother, but my real father who I see just a couple of times. Actually, they cut the scene where I visit him. Maybe they didn’t think it was necessary. It’s a scene where I go down to the Village, where he’s living by himself. His name in real life is Horace Marone, and Daddy thinks he’s a really fine actor. He’s the kind of actor Daddy likes, who mainly acts in plays, and doesn’t make much money. He’s somewhat fat. We used to play chess sometimes on the set.
“What took you so long?” Mom said.
“Daddy couldn’t get a cab,” I said.
Just then Daddy came over and said to Horace, “Horace, you were wonderful.”
“You noticed me?” Horace said. “You must have good eyesight.”
“Why did he cut that scene with you and Tatiana?” Daddy said. We’d seen it in the rushes. “That was such a beautiful scene.”
“Don’t ask me,” Horace said sadly.
“I loved that moment where Tat tells you her mother and Warren’s father aren’t getting along. Your expression! What economy of gesture. You can tell people who have acted, acted in the true sense, from movie people ten miles away.”
Mom raised her eyebrows. “Lionel, heavens, do you mean to say just because people act in movies, they aren’t real actors?”
“I don’t mean that,” Daddy said hastily. “I mean, with someone like Horace, you can sense that hours and hours of thinking have gone into every line, every move. It’s rich, it’s satisfying.”
Horace was beaming. “Well, I’m glad someone notices.”
“Anyone of discernment and taste will notice,” Daddy said emphatically.
Mom walked off.
“And how about your daughter?” Horace said. “Not bad for a kid, huh?”
“A kid?” Daddy said. “This is no kid . . .” He put his arm around me. “No, I have to say I was impressed. She really held her own, didn’t she?”
“I’ll say,” Horace said, rolling his eyes. “When she’s on, you don’t notice anything else.”
“Though I do think,” Daddy said, clearing his throat, “that Charlie might have . . . I think maybe he was too easy on her in some ways.”
“Too easy?” I could feel the champagne bubbling up my nose. “He made me do some scenes ten times!”
“Well, it’s a matter of emphasis,” Daddy said. “I think I would have . . .”
I went over to get another glass of champagne. The glasses were just standing there, in a row, already filled. Then I looked around for Joshua. He was in a corner, talking to Serena Jowitt. She was wearing this really dramatic dress, all black, with long, tight sleeves and no back. It had a slit that went way up one side. Joshua was staring at her like someone had hypnotized him.
“Hi,” I said. I knew I was drunk. Everything seemed fuzzy and bright.
“There you are, Tatiana,” Serena said. “Joshua, have you met the star of the movie?”
“Yeah, we know each other,” Joshua said uncomfortably.
That was nice of him, to admit he knew me.
“Oh,” Serena said, smiling. She has a dazzling smile with perfect white teeth. “From school?”
“Sort of,” I said.
Then suddenly Joshua blurted out, “She’s my girl friend.”
Serena said to me, “That’s lovely! I didn’t know you had a boyfriend, dear.” Then to Joshua she said, “You must be proud as all get-out. I mean, Tatiana must have men after her in droves.”
“Yeah, I guess she probably will,” Joshua said, clenching his jaw, “after the movie opens.”
“It’s fun,” Serena said vaguely. I think maybe she was drunk too.
“What’s fun?” I asked.
“Having men dropping at your feet . . . But it’s . . . it’s not real.”
“Yeah?” I said, not sure what she meant.
“They see you up there and they don’t see you. You’re a symbol, a thing. You’re smart, Tatiana. You’ll take it all with a grain of salt.”
A man came up in back of her and put his arms around her. She turned around. “Oh hi, Max . . . Have you met Tatiana and Joshua?”
Max had blond hair and sort of chunky, square features and a beard. “Tatiana, I feel like I know you,” he said, gripping my hand. “You were magnificent.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“I’m not just saying this because you’re gorgeous. I mean you are gorgeous, you know that, don’t you?”
I shrugged.
“Max, stop embarrassing her,” Serena said.
“You have a very special gift,” he said, talking slowly and looking right at me. “Don’t lose it, okay? Don’t spoil it. It’s pure and fresh and wonderful . . . And you’ve got incredible tits.”
“Max!” Serena nudged him. “Will you stop it? This is Tatiana’s boyfriend, Joshua.”
“You’re a lucky guy, Joshua,” Max said. “Hold the fort, okay?”
Joshua looked at him with loathing.
“Hang on to her,” he said as Serena dragged him off.
Joshua and I stood staring at each other.
“Your chin is wet,” I said grimly.
“Huh?”
“From drooling all over her.”
He just looked at me.
“Well, I guess you’re having a good time,” I said.
“You look like you are,” he countered.
“What do you mean?” I asked defensively.
“Well, you look like you’re getting pretty plastered.”
“So, why shouldn’t I?”
“No reason.”
“You’re a real shit, Joshua, you know that? Trying to spoil the whole party for me.”
I walked off and left him. Well, I’m glad I found out what an awful person Joshua Lasker is. I must have been really dumb not to have noticed it before. He’s not only mean and selfish, he’s insensitive and cruel and he’s not even right about my being drunk. I only had maybe three glasses of champagne! I bet he had more than that.
At midnight Daddy said he thought we should go home. Deel had fallen asleep in the chair shaped like a person. Daddy had a hard time waking her up.
“What happened to Joshua?” she said, yawning as we went down in the elevator.
“He left early,” Mom said.
Everyone looked at me.
“I don’t think he likes parties that much,” I said, trying to explain.
Nobody talked much on the way home. I felt lousy, sort of sick, but not sick enough to throw up. When I got home, I went right to bed. I didn’t even take my makeup off or anything, I was so tired.
Chapter Eight
When I woke up in the morning, I felt strange. I felt like I hadn’t brushed my teeth for a week and my tongue seemed all puffy. I lay in bed, dozing, for an hour or so and then got up. It was almost one. I took a shower and washed my hair. Then I went into the kitchen and had a big glass of orange juice. I felt better. Not wonderful, but better. There was a message Scotch-taped to the refrigerator. “Tat—Abigail called. Call her.”
It turned out Abigail wanted me to baby-sit for her that night, if I could. She said it would be from seven to whenever she got home, maybe midnight or one. I said okay. Usually I see Joshua Saturday night. But after last night, I don’t think I want to see him ever again. I feel badly about it. I mean, I loved Joshua, and I don’t mean just sex. I really loved him and I thought he was a nice person. Lots of guys are mean and try to manipulate you in lots of ways, but Jo
shua never seemed like that. But it may show I don’t have such good judgment in men.
I didn’t do much during the day. I went out in the afternoon and walked along Broadway. There’s a thrift shop that has terrific clothes sometimes. I bought an old sailor jacket there last month. Some of the things are real bargains, wonderful straw hats with flowers and real embroidered stockings. I bought a pair of white crocheted stockings for only fifteen cents.
Daddy was home when I got back. He was looking at this menu that we have from Empire Szechuan, a Chinese restaurant we sometimes order from; they deliver. “How about sweet-and-sour pork?” he said. “How does that sound?”
“I can’t, Daddy . . . I have to be at Abigail’s at seven.”
He looked surprised. “What for?”
“She wants me to baby-sit.”
“Huh . . . well, it’s pretty far. Better take a cab home.”
“Okay, I will.”
I sat down opposite him in the comfortable chair. He looked at me fondly. “So, how’s the star?”
“Daddy, don’t, okay?”
He frowned. “What’s wrong?”
“No, I just don’t like it when people make such a fuss over me. I mean, I’m still the same person.”
“True . . . Are you feeling down, sweets?”
I nodded.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I shrugged.
Daddy was looking at me with a kindly expression. He patted the couch next to him. “Come sit over here, okay?”
I went over and sat there, leaning against him.
“What is it, puss?” Daddy said softly. “Tell me.”
“It’s Joshua,” I said and suddenly I began to sob into his arms. “He was so awful! He didn’t even say he liked the movie. He didn’t even say anything to me about how I was. He just spent all evening drooling over Serena Jowitt. I never want to see him again, ever!”
