“Disaster,” Celia snapped back. “Really, Oliver, you should know that one.”
“How does she know that one?” Oliver pointed at the llama girl.
“Wally Worm’s Word World,” the llama girl answered simply, as if it were obvious. “If you find calamity, don’t fall into insani—”
The chief interrupted her with a loud cough.
The girl nodded and turned back to the Navel twins. “They wish to make an example of you,” the girl said.
“An example?”
The llama girl pointed at Corey Brandt’s camera, which one of the warriors was now using to record them.
“The chief has heard that cable news television likes exciting videos. He thinks showing your trial would be pretty exciting. And it would be better than breaking branches to warn off trespassers.”
“Our trial?” Oliver thought about Judge Baxter. “Like in a court?”
“Sort of,” the llama girl said. “It’s more like a test. Or a game, even.”
“But we didn’t do anything!” Celia objected.
“I told them this,” the girl explained. “That’s why they are not spearing you to death right now. If you pass the trial, you will be accepted as fellow warriors and we will hold a feast in honor of your bravery.”
“And if we don’t pass?” Oliver wondered.
“There will still be a feast,” the girl said sadly. “We are famous for our cooking, after all.”
The man with the camera zoomed in on Corey Brandt’s face. He did not give his famous smile. He looked like he was going to be sick.
“What’s the trial?” Oliver asked.
“It’s an ancient game my people have played with the rubber from our trees for centuries. I believe you call it dodgeball.”
Oliver and Celia might have preferred being speared.
27
WE WOULD PREFER GREG ANGSTURA
OLIVER, CELIA, and Corey were shoved back outside. It was dark out. They heard the groans and growls of nocturnal predators in the forest beyond the clearing, which convinced them that trying to run would be a bad idea. Men holding torches formed a circle with Oliver, Corey, and Celia in the middle. The torchlight cast strange shadows across the painted bodies of the warriors. The rest of the villagers stood back, watching from the darkness. The man with the camera crouched in front of the warriors and zoomed in and out on the children’s unhappy faces. He spoke to the llama girl.
“He says Corey Brandt looks older in real life,” she translated.
“Oh, come on!” objected Corey Brandt.
Three warriors stepped into the circle holding three black rubber balls, each one the size of a baseball—and just as hard. This was going to be a lot more painful than sixth-grade recess.
“Well.” Corey Brandt looked over at the camera. He pursed his lips in his practiced way. “This is what being a Celebrity Adventurist is all about, right?” He gave the camera a nervous thumbs-up. “Will you make sure he films my good side?”
The llama girl told the cameraman, who smiled to reveal his pointed teeth.
“I don’t think they’re worried about cinematography,” Celia said.
“I’d just hate for my last TV appearance to look terrible.”
Oliver rolled his eyes. He was now convinced that he liked Corey Brandt better on television than in real life.
“The rules are like this,” said the llama girl. “The balls are placed in the middle of the circle. When I shout, you run and try to get a ball before the other side does. Then you throw it at them as hard as you can. You can use the whole circle to run around in, but you can’t touch each other and you can’t leave the circle. Whatever team still has a player standing at the end wins.”
“And?” Oliver asked.
“That’s it.”
“But how do we get the other players out?”
“I said that. You throw the ball at each other as hard you can.”
“And if we hit them they are out, right?” Celia finished the girl’s thought.
The girl crossed her arms. She was getting annoyed. “Well, you can’t knock them out without hitting them, can you?”
“Wait,” Oliver said. “You mean, like, unconscious?”
“Yes. That’s how you play dodgeball! Hit the other team until they can’t get up anymore! I thought you all played this in your country!”
“We got kicked off the team,” said Oliver. “For bad sportsmanship.”
“Well, try to follow the rules here,” the llama girl said. “Or they’ll spear you.”
That did sound worse than getting sent to Principal Deaver’s office.
Celia rubbed her palms on her pants to dry them. The warriors in the circle glared at them and crouched low, preparing to leap. They wore only loincloths to cover themselves, but their skin was decorated with patterns in black ink that made them almost dizzying to look at. The light from the torches flickered across their faces.
Oliver thought that it was unfair to put children up against three full-grown adults, but he didn’t think his cries for justice would be answered, so he didn’t bother. Arguing with the angry chief would be like arguing with Celia. It was better to save his energy for the challenge ahead.
A very old man, older than the chief, stepped into the circle. He wore a headband of turquoise stones and feathers and a necklace strung with animal bones. He shook a rattle in the air and chanted, tossing seeds around the edge of the circle. He was the shaman.
“The circle has been blessed,” the llama girl said as the old man stepped back out, still chanting. Other men joined him in the chant.
“Oh, good,” said Celia. “I’d hate to get bludgeoned to death in a circle that hadn’t been blessed.”
“Bludgeoned?” asked Oliver.
Celia just sighed; the llama girl nodded in understanding. She had brothers too.
She then gave a quick shout.
The game had begun.
Corey Brandt looked at the camera, gave a brave smile, and raced toward the center of the ring. Oliver and Celia looked at each other, a sad this-is-it kind of look, and rushed forward after him. Oliver felt everything go into slow motion, like at the end of a sports movie, except that instead of triumphant music there was only the creepy chanting of the crowd around him, waving their torches and spears in the air. Celia was determined to win. She ran faster than she’d ever run in her life. If only Mr. McNulty had threatened to eat the children, they would have given sixth-grade recess this kind of energy.
Of course, two eleven-year-old children and a teen television star are no match for experienced hunters of the tribes of the western Amazon. They spend their entire lives learning to run and throw. As we observed earlier, Oliver and Celia do all they can to avoid things like running and throwing. They did not make it to the center of the circle in time to get any of the balls.
The three warriors spread out around them, tossing the hard rubber spheres back and forth in their hands so their adversaries wouldn’t know when they were coming.
“Hey, Oliver,” said Celia, keeping her eyes on the warrior right ahead of her and poised to leap out of the way if he threw his ball at her.
“Yeah?” said Oliver, who had taken a different approach. He was running in circles around the edge of the ring without stopping.
“Remember Greg Angstura,” she called out.
“Who?” said Corey, who was trying to stare down the warrior facing him.
Celia ignored him. “Remember what I did?”
“Yeah!” said Oliver, still running in circles. The warrior was getting dizzy trying to track him.
“Do it!” she shouted.
Oliver suddenly turned and ran right at the warrior, yelling, “Ahhh!” He raised his fist and punched straight up to hit the warrior right in the face.
The warrior didn’t flinch. He looked down at Oliver and cocked his arm back with the ball.
“Dive!” shouted Celia.
Oliver dove to the side and the ball sailed o
ver him and slammed into one of the men on the edge of the circle, knocking him over. When the warrior across from Celia threw his ball, she hit the ground too. It also shot past her and whacked a man on the edge of the circle right in the stomach. He doubled over and fell.
“Hey, that’s pretty goo—,” said Corey Brandt as the third ball cracked him right on the head. He fell backward into the mud.
“Now’s our chance!” Oliver shouted.
Celia turned and saw what her brother meant. The balls had knocked out two of the men on the edge of the circle, making two openings in the ring. Without a moment to lose, they each grabbed one of the teen’s wrists and dragged him, running through the gaps in the circle. They used his body like a battering ram, knocking spectators out of the way. Chaos erupted.
“What the—?” Corey said, waking up with a groan. The twins dragged him to his feet just outside the circle.
“Run!” Celia shouted, pulling him along. They jumped over small children and weaved past the shocked elders, who realized too late that the trio wasn’t planning on completing the trial. They were trying to escape into the jungle.
“Hey,” the llama girl called out. “This is a test of bravery! You aren’t supposed to run away! That’s bad sportsmanship!”
28
WE ARE DOOMED, AS USUAL
THEY RACED THROUGH the clearing toward the dark forest beyond. In just a few strides, Corey Brandt was ahead of them, leading the way. Three rubber balls flew over their heads. Next came the spears.
“Come back and be brave!” the llama girl called out one last time. “Die with honor!”
The twins had no interest in dying at all, with or without honor. They needed to get away alive and figure out who had dressed up like this tribe and kidnapped their father. Could Sir Edmund have poison-darted himself to trick them? Could Janice McDermott have followed them to the Amazon? They really wished their mother were here to help. This seemed like a good time for her to reveal herself and explain things. But for now, they had to keep running. They were on their own.
They dodged into the dark forest, weaving between trees and vines. It wouldn’t be long until the hunters were upon them. They took cover together under a giant tangle of tree roots that was taller than a full-grown man. They watched a group of barefoot hunters race past them, moving effortlessly through the dark.
“We should climb!” Oliver whispered. “They’ll find us on the ground.”
“I can’t climb a tree,” Corey Brandt said.
Oliver threw his hands in the air in exasperation. “But we just saw you climb a giant redwood on The Celebrity Adventurist! I learned the word arboreal!”
“I … um …”
“We know you don’t do your own stunts,” Celia said. “It’s kind of obvious.”
“Right,” he said. “That’s it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied about doing my own stunts.”
“It’s fine,” said Celia. “If Oliver and I can climb a tree, then anyone can, right? Now, let’s go.”
Oliver knew better than to argue with his sister, and it seemed Corey Brandt did too. They started climbing.
They climbed and shimmied like monkeys for a few minutes, reaching the canopy completely out of breath. When they couldn’t reach a branch, Corey Brandt hoisted the twins up himself.
“That was great,” he whispered. “You two are brilliant.”
“Not really,” said Celia. “It turns out, these guys know how to climb too.”
The trio glanced down and saw that, indeed, they had been discovered, and eight warriors were climbing up trees all around them, moving very fast.
“You ever see any cartoons about the jungle?” Oliver asked.
“Which ones?” asked Corey.
“It doesn’t matter,” said Oliver. “Any story in the jungle has this part.”
“Which part?”
“This part,” Celia answered, looking glum and reaching for a vine hanging off the branch. “Get it?”
“We’re gonna swing?” Corey Brandt looked nervously from twin to twin. They nodded. Corey grabbed on to the vine. Oliver and Celia grabbed on to Corey. They all sighed, and with one big push, the three of them swung free from the giant tree and flew through the air like trapeze artists. The warriors shouted after them.
Corey and Oliver also shouted. They squeezed their eyes shut while Celia scanned ahead for the next vine to grab.
“Boys,” she announced. “I could really use your help grabbing on here.”
As they swung, Celia caught on to the next vine, pulling it close enough for Corey to grab. Once they all had a grip, they let go of the first vine and swung again. It wasn’t graceful but it worked. They were escaping faster than their pursuers could climb. They swung and swung from vine to vine. The twins’ arms couldn’t hang on anymore. They started to slip.
“Hang on!” Corey shouted at them. The twins gripped his shoulders as he swung them from vine to vine himself. The star of The Celebrity Adventurist was finally saving their lives.
As fast as they swung, the warriors had now caught on and were swinging behind them. Celia caught glimpses of them through the trees, moving from vine to vine far more gracefully than the three of them could manage.
“They’re catching up!” she said.
One of the warriors swung straight at them from the front, cutting off the way they were heading. From the ground, warriors fired arrows at them, as two more came swinging in from each side. Corey caught on to a branch.
“Climb up!” he said. “I’ll follow you.”
The branches were thick enough for them to scamper through foliage and burst out into the open night sky. Moonlight lit the Amazon, and they stood and gazed out, three silhouettes on an ocean of rolling green.
“Whoa,” said Corey. He smiled. He didn’t seem so afraid of heights, Celia thought. But he was right; the sight was beautiful. Although they didn’t have time to stay still and admire the view.
They moved quickly along the high branches, holding on to the thinner branches for balance. As they scurried, they saw the silhouettes of their pursuers pop up into the canopy. They ducked immediately and lay down on a wide branch, hoping they hadn’t been seen.
The warriors called to each other in whistles, organizing their hunt. Oliver closed his eyes and tried to be as quiet as possible. Celia looked around anxiously, fearing every moment that a dart from a blowgun would find her. Suddenly something touched her back. She gasped.
“Shh!” Oliver said.
Celia turned her head and saw a gray howler monkey with a shock of black hair perched next to her on the branch. The monkey cocked its head at her and reached out its rough black paw to stroke her cheek.
“Shoo,” she whispered. “Go away.”
The monkey picked at her hair and started grooming her, pulling tangles of vine and twigs from her pigtails. She tried to swat the monkey away with one arm, while the other stayed wrapped around the large branch. The monkey jumped back and cocked its head at her again. It scurried down into the canopy below. Celia let out her breath, relieved. They listened again to the darkness. The warriors whistled back and forth to each other, searching.
Suddenly the monkey was back on the branch next to Celia. And he was holding a backpack. He nodded at Celia.
“That’s our pack!” Oliver whispered. “Give it back.”
Much to the twins’ surprise, the monkey opened the bag and pulled out the colorful bundle of knotted strings. He set the bag down and shoved it at Celia.
She tried to swat it away. “No, monkey, we don’t need that now.”
The monkey shoved it at her again. Finally, she took it from him.
“Okay? Now go away!”
The monkey patted Celia on the head and then disappeared into the canopy once more. Silence returned.
“That was weird,” said Oliver.
“Shh,” said Celia.
They heard nothing. Not even the whistles of their pursuers.
Then a noise shattered the s
ilence.
“I’d show you something new, but your book is overdue …” Madam Mumu’s voice echoed over the jungle. “I’d show you something new, but your book is overdue …”
“Sorry!” whispered Corey Brandt. “I thought it was broken.”
“Silence it!” cried Oliver, but it was too late.
Three warriors appeared from below, surrounding the group. They whistled.
More warriors arrived. They were surrounded.
Corey pulled out his phone.
“You’ve got Corey,” he whispered. “I can’t talk right now. I’m about to be eaten.”
One of the warriors snatched the phone from him and stared at the glowing screen. He swiped his fingers across it a few times and laughed. He showed the others how things moved when he touched it. They passed it from hand to hand and it quickly vanished.
“Hey!” Corey objected, but he was silenced by a poke in the back from a spear. “Okay … I can get a new one. No worries, guys. Enjoy.”
Another warrior arrived, carrying the llama girl on his back. She stepped onto the thick branch where the twins and the celebrity were lying down.
“You failed the test of bravery,” she said. “I guess you knew that.”
The guy who’d carried her took Corey’s camera from a small woven bag and started recording again. Corey straightened his hair.
“Are you going to spear us?” Oliver wondered.
“That’s up to the elders,” the llama girl said. “Probably. First we’re going to take you back to the ground, where people belong.”
Warriors moved forward and hoisted them to their feet, holding them firmly. Celia still clutched the old khipu that the monkey had returned to her. When they saw it, the warriors froze. The llama girl gasped. The man with the camera lowered it. No one moved.
“What?” Corey Brandt struggled in the grip of the warriors. “What’s going on? Why’d he stop recording? Wait … is that the—?”
“How …,” the llama girl stammered. “Is it you?”
“Is who us?” Oliver wondered.
We Dine With Cannibals Page 13
