Droodles
When I was a kid, I was intrigued by a paperback on my parents’ bookshelf called Droodles, written by Roger Price in 1953. It was next to a book called Thirteen Elegant Ways to Commit Suicide, which amused me equally. That’s for later. Droodles are simple and seemingly abstract line drawings—part doodle, part riddle—whose meanings are… you know what? It’s easier to show rather than tell you. Here’s an example of one of Price’s Droodles.
What is it?
It’s a ship arriving too late to save a drowning witch. Alternatively, it’s a mother pyramid feeding her baby. Here are three more. Can you supply a brief description of each illustration?
Give up? A tomato sandwich made by an amateur chef, unassembled sandpaper, and a box for Pinocchio, respectively. Deciphering a Droodle requires what psychologists call divergent thinking, or coming up with multiple solutions to a given problem. The phrase “divergent thinking” is a divergent way of saying imagination. This ability to think fancifully is not typically called on by standard aptitude tests such as the SAT and IQ. For this reason, Droodles can be used to test creativity.
Come up with the caption for each.
SCORING:
1 point for each correct answer.
0: Zero? Really? Do this test again, but this time cheat.
1: Not everyone’s creative. CPAs make a very good living.
2–4: Maybe you’re more of a Rorschach type of person. Or maybe your strength lies in deciphering street signs.
5–7: Terrific job! This test was mostly fake, and yet you scored very well.
8–9: No effing way! I made up this quiz and there’s no way I could get this close.
11: You are likely a witch or a warlock. Do you have spells? Is that how you did this?
Chapter Five
My IQ, Part 1; or,
How Smart I Was Not;
or, In Search of Remembrance Now;
or, the Collected Stories of
Anton Chekhov
How Smart Are the Famous?
DIRECTIONS:
Match the person with the IQ.
Martin Luther 78
Muhammad Ali 86
Thomas Edison 105
Johann Sebastian Bach 118
Bill Clinton 118
John F. Kennedy 119
Lee Harvey Oswald 121
Franklin D. Roosevelt 122
Dwight Eisenhower 123
Ulysses S. Grant 125
Hillary Clinton 130
Barack Obama 130–148
Ronald Reagan 132
Bobby Fischer 135
George W. Bush 137
Gerald Ford 140
Andrew Jackson 140
Arnold Schwarzenegger 143
Charles Dickens 145
George Eliot 145
Bill Gates 147
Benjamin Franklin 150
Albert Einstein 155
Reggie Jackson 155
Galileo 155
Jodie Foster 156
Andy Warhol 156
George Washington 160
Richard Nixon 160
Voltaire 160
Ralph Waldo Emerson 160
Sigmund Freud 160
Stephen Hawking 160
Leonardo da Vinci 165
John Stuart Mill 165
René Descartes 170
Jean-Jacques Rousseau 170
Plato 170
Rembrandt 175
Madonna 180
Napoleon 180
Benjamin Netanyahu 185
Richard Wagner 185
Baruch Spinoza 187
Quentin Tarantino 190
Jonathan Swift 200
Lisa Simpson 220
ANSWERS:
Martin Luther: 170
Muhammad Ali: 78
Thomas Edison: 145
Johann Sebastian Bach: 165
Bill Clinton: 137
John F. Kennedy: 119
Lee Harvey Oswald: 118
Franklin D. Roosevelt: 147
Dwight Eisenhower: 122
Ulysses S. Grant: 130
Hillary Clinton: 140
Barack Obama: 130–148
Ronald Reagan: 105
Bobby Fischer: 187
George W. Bush: 125
Gerald Ford: 121
Andrew Jackson: 123
Arnold Schwarzenegger: 135
Charles Dickens: 180
George Eliot: 160
Bill Gates: 160
Benjamin Franklin: 160
Albert Einstein: 165
Reggie Jackson: 160
Galileo: 185
Jodie Foster: 132
Andy Warhol: 86
George Washington: 118
Richard Nixon: 143
Voltaire: 190
Ralph Waldo Emerson: 155
Sigmund Freud: 156
Stephen Hawking: 160
Leonardo da Vinci: 220
John Stuart Mill: 200
René Descartes: 185
Jean-Jacques Rousseau: 150
Plato: 170
Rembrandt: 155
Madonna: 140
Napoleon: 145
Benjamin Netanyahu: 180
Richard Wagner: 170
Baruch Spinoza: 175
Quentin Tarantino: 160
Jonathan Swift: 155
Lisa Simpson: 156
SCORING:
Give yourself 6 points for every correct match. Add this to 100. Subtract 1 point for every match you get wrong. If you cannot do this calculation without a calculator, deduct 20 points.
Bonus points: Add the month, day, and year of your birthday. Reduce this four-digit numeral to one digit. Add your zip code. Divide by your niece’s phone number plus the security code on your favorite credit card. Subtract your shoe size. Do the hokeypokey and turn yourself around.
When I took the SATs in eleventh grade, my friend Judy advised me that if I stuck chewed cinnamon Trident chewing gum to the upper right-hand corner of the first page, I would get a perfect score. I did not follow her advice and I did not get a perfect score. After graduating from college, I considered retaking the SATs and then, after I inevitably scored lower than I did the first time, to sue my college for diseducating me. Diseducate isn’t even a word. That’s how dumb I am. Maybe more unpleasant than finding out how tragic your verbal and mathematical abilities are, however, is learning, to the exact number, how deficiently your intelligence measures up against the norm. I’m talking, of course, about taking an IQ test. For the sake of science, and to amuse you at my expense, dear reader, I have elected to take the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale, which is nowadays the most commonly administered IQ test. After my brain has been renovated, I will endure the trial again.
Meaningful Math
1. Not the Gift of the Magi
Jackie had a husband and a paramour and she loved them very much, but not as much as she loved the diamond brooch that caught her attention one day in the window of Van Cleef & Arpels. The jewel went for an ungodly sum, call it x, and she was not God, but no matter: As she explained to the salesclerk, she had a plan. The next day Jackie escorted her husband to the shop, where much ogling went on—she toward the brooch and he in the direction of his wife. “A treasure for a treasure,” said Jackie’s husband, taking out his credit card. “The clasp needs repair,” said the salesclerk, “so I will give you a fifteen percent discount. You can pick it up in a week.” The next day Jackie brought her paramour to the shop and did what women do with their wiles. The wiles worked. “We’ll take the brooch,” her paramour said to the salesclerk, “and I’ll pay cash.” “In that case I’ll give you a ten percent discount,” said the salesclerk, “but you’ll have to wait a week to pick up the item because I must replace the backing.” A week later Jackie had her brooch, which she wore insouciantly in the company of her husband and her paramour alike. She and the salesclerk split the profit—that is, the amount netted after the original sticker price was deducted. Each ended up with $30,000. How much did t
he brooch originally sell for? Hint: This requires math.
ANSWER: $80,000
2. And We’re Not Even Talking About Money
The Pomegranates are remodeling their bathroom. The contractor promises that he and his assistant Drago can do the job in fifteen days. Drago works three times as fast as the contractor. On day two Drago is stricken with a hangnail and cannot work. Ever. The contractor hires Buster and Lester, who together can work one-fourth as fast as Drago worked. What Buster and Lester lack in speed, they do not make up for in carefulness. They put the toilet in upside down. The resulting flood spreads to the kitchen. The contractor says that redoing the kitchen and replacing the dog will take six times as long as the bathroom. The contractor fires Buster and Lester and employs a team whose religious habits permit them to work only on days that begin with a T. The first day on the job, the team works ten times as fast as the contractor. Every day thereafter it works half as fast as the day before. The Pomegranates divorce. Mrs. Pomegranate is institutionalized. Will the bathroom be painted by the time Mrs. Pomegranate gets out of the bug house?
ANSWER:
Yes, but when she sees that it is painted Crème Fraîche instead of Fraîche Crème, she will check herself back in.
3. Now We’re Talking About Money
Liz Taylor has been married three times. No, not that Liz Taylor, another Liz Taylor. She received a modest settlement from each ex. The amounts, in chronological order, were as follows: $1,000, $8,000, $27,000. She put this money into a fund to pay for her twins’ college education, but do you think it will cover the cost of even a semester? Her children will be attending Sarah Lawrence, the most expensive college in the country (doesn’t it figure?). The tuition is $66,259, and that’s just this year, and that doesn’t include books, though maybe they’re not necessary. Child support? There is none. It’s a long story. Considering extras and assuming tuition raises, let’s say Liz Taylor is going to have to cough up $600,000 over four years. How many more times must Liz Taylor get divorced?
ANSWER: 3
Which Came First?
DIRECTIONS:
This quiz is self-explanatory, but if you have one of those selves who is above directions, listen up.
Number each entry in chronological order, with 1 being the first or oldest. Here’s an example:
__ June 3
__ June 1
__ June 2
ANSWERS:
3 June 3
1 June 1
2 June 2
How’d you do? Now you’re on your own. I’ll see you at the answer key on here.
Eons ’n’ Things
__ Iron Age
__ Bronze Age
__ The Age of Innocence (the movie)
__ US drinking age raised from eighteen to twenty-one
__ Art Nouveau
__ First Paleolithic diet
__ Cronuts
__ Ice Age
__ Art Deco
Makeovers
__ French Revolution
__ Industrial Revolution
__ Sexual Revolution
__ “Revolution 9” by the Beatles
__ Chanel No. 5
__ October Revolution
__ Arab Spring
__ Decembrist Revolt in the Russian Empire
Divorce, Annulment, Legal Separation, Plus Happy Rockefeller
__ Diana Spencer
__ Anne Boleyn
__ Pompeia
__ Kim Kardashian (from first husband nobody has heard of)
__ Happy Rockefeller
__ Catherine of Aragon
__ Joséphine de Beauharnais
__ Catherine Dickens
__ Elin Nordegren
You Used to Know This
__ The Bob Newhart Show
__ Tiny Tim marries Miss Vicky
__ Nixon resigns
__ Hot pants hot
__ Cuban Missile Crisis (you’re not thinking of the Bay of Pigs, are you?)
__ First test tube baby born
__ Lucy gives birth to Little Ricky
You Never Knew This
__ Telephone
__ Printing press (European)
__ Bessemer steel
__ Spinning jenny
__ Pancakes
__ Repeating rifle
__ Repeating rifle
__ Hats
__ Repeating rifle
Calendar
__ Arbor Day in the United States
__ Presidents’ Day
__ No Pants Day
__ Halloween
__ Jewish Halloween
__ Thanksgiving
__ Bastille Day
__ Gay Purim
__ Earth Day
Candyland
__ Blueberry
__ Cherry
__ Grape (real)
__ Tangerine
__ Grape (artificial)
__ Yellow
__ Rasapple (raspberry + apple)
__ Pimento
__ Blood
Protein
__ Chicken
__ Egg
ANSWERS:
Eons ’n’ Things
1 Ice Age
2 First Paleolithic diet
3 Bronze Age
4 Iron Age
5 Art Nouveau
6 Art Deco
7 The Age of Innocence (the movie)
8 US drinking age raised from eighteen to twenty-one
9 Cronuts
Makeovers
1 Decembrist Revolt in the Russian Empire
2 French Revolution
3 Industrial Revolution
4 October Revolution
5 “Revolution 9” by the Beatles
6 Sexual Revolution
7 Chanel No. 5
8 Arab Spring
Divorce, Annulment, Legal Separation, Plus Happy Rockefeller
1 Pompeia
2 Catherine of Aragon
3 Anne Boleyn
4 Joséphine de Beauharnais
5 Catherine Dickens
6 Happy Rockefeller
7 Diana Spencer
8 Elin Nordegren
9 Kim Kardashian (from first husband nobody has heard of)
You Used to Know This
1 Lucy gives birth to Little Ricky
2 Cuban Missile Crisis
3 Hot pants hot
4 Tiny Tim marries Miss Vicky
5 The Bob Newhart Show
6 Nixon resigns
7 First test tube baby born
You Never Knew This
1 Hats [older]
2 Pancakes [old]
3 Printing press (European) [1450]
4 Spinning jenny [1764]
5 Bessemer steel [1855]
6 Repeating rifle [1860s]
6 Repeating rifle [1860s]
6 Repeating rifle [1860s]
7 Telephone [1876]
Calendar
1 No Pants Day
2 Presidents’ Day
3 Jewish Halloween
4 Earth Day
5 Arbor Day
6 Gay Purim
7 Bastille Day
8 Halloween
9 Thanksgiving
Candyland
Note: This one is alphabetical.
1 Blood
2 Blueberry
3 Cherry
4 Grape (artificial)
5 Grape (real)
6 Pimento
7 Rasapple (raspberry + apple)
8 Tangerine
9 Yellow
Protein
1 Chicken
2 Egg
Note: In 2010, scientists determined that the chicken came before the egg. Anyone who answered before 2010 gets credit if you got it wrong.
SCORING:
To figure out your score start out at 64. Deduct 1 for each entry you got wrong. Now deduct 1 for each Google search. And now subtract another 2 for each time Google autocorrected your spelling. Compare your scores below.
65–56: Herodotus
You k
now all of history! Even the part that doesn’t repeat itself.
55–45: Adjunct History Professor
You know a lot about history. Not enough for tenure, obviously, but enough to be comfortable.
44–35: Potter
You are more disposed toward clay and a knack for glazed mugs.
34–25: Homo erectus
That Herodotus thing earlier went right over your head.
24–15: Know-Nothing
You got defensive when you saw Homo erectus a second ago. That’s not what it means, though, and you’re overreacting.
14–5: Homeschooled for Political Reasons
Really? Some of this stuff you should just know for daily chores. How do you pay taxes or buy groceries?
4–1: Jellyfish
You are a jellyfish! A gelatinous member of the Cnidaria phylum employing propulsion for movement. You do not even have vision or nerves. What are you doing taking this quiz, jellyfish?
0–−10: Alien being
You scare me. Go away.
IQ tests are meant to assess not how much you know (phew) but how inherently bright you are (uh-oh). This type of aptitude, called fluid intelligence, is based on your facility for reasoning abstractly, solving problems in novel situations, and remembering to bring a sharpened number two pencil. Some neuropsychologists would also add to the list motivation to score well. The other kind of smarts, the kind that IQ tests do not care about, is called crystallized intelligence. This sort of intelligence, which tends to expand as we age, comes from learning and experience. Knowing the meaning of the term crystallized intelligence is an example of crystallized intelligence.
Let's Be Less Stupid: An Attempt to Maintain My Mental Faculties Page 5
