True Abandon

by Jeannine Colette

  She rises from the couch. “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you fidgeting?”

  I blink a few times.

  “Trish, please say something. You’re scaring me.”

  She went to school for business before she decided she wanted to be a hair-stylist. At twenty-five, she should be focusing on her career, not moving to the middle of the ocean on a whim. This is the time to establish yourself, make something of your chosen vocation—put down roots. Not that I should talk. I’m just a lowly assistant at a digital production company, Asher-Marks Communications. I’ve been trying to make a name for myself, but can’t seem to get a permanent promotion.

  “You’re really moving?” I ask in disbelief.

  “Yes. I got a job at a hotel working at a high-end salon.”

  “Why would you do that when we have the best salon’s in the country right here?”

  She shoves a hand on her hip and points out the window. “Because it’s dark and dreary here. I want sunshine and adventure.”

  “Where will you live?”

  “In an apartment I rented,” she answers slowly like I’m an idiot for not knowing her plans.

  “But you haven’t seen it. How will you know the area is safe? What if you get there and it’s a dump? Or the neighbors are sex offenders?”

  She takes an exasperated breath. “I don’t, Trish. It’s called taking a chance. Ever heard of it?”

  “I don’t gamble.”

  “You don’t live.”

  My jaw drops with a gasp. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Kelli tugs on the ends of her brown hair and closes her eyes in frustration. “It means you let an asshole from almost a decade ago destroy every decision you make today.”

  I furrow my brow at the mere mention of Jackson. The nightmare I had is still too fresh. “That’s not true.”

  She crosses her arms and lowers her forehead. “It’s not? You’re in a career you hate. You can’t commit to save your life, and you’re writing every word I’m saying right now on your thumb.”

  I cast my attention to my hand where my index finger is tracing words on my thumb. It’s a small habit I do when I feel like I have zero control over a situation. I force my hands apart and splay them on my hips.

  She takes a step toward me and places a hand on the counter. “We both know you’re never moving in with Kevin.”

  “You don’t know that,” I argue but am cut off by her raised brows and pursed lips, daring me to finish my sentence.

  My face must contort into an odd expression because she quickly adds, “You can come with me.”

  “What would I do there? You’re a hair stylist. You can work anywhere. I don’t see Hawaii bustling with television jobs.”

  “You act like I’m moving to the wilderness. There are jobs in Hawaii. And so what if you can’t get a producing gig? You never wanted to work there, anyhow—it was your fall back job. You can put your years as an assistant to good use and work in a hotel or any other office. I’m sure that fancy boss of yours, Alexander Asher, has connections. Doesn’t he own hotels or restaurants or something?”

  “I’m not asking Asher to get me a job. Besides, he’s dismantling the company. He’s not exactly my boss anymore.”

  Her arms fly out dramatically. “Exactly! You’re gonna be out of a job soon, anyway!”

  “The new board of directors may want me.”

  Kelli leans in closer. Her potent scent of dahlias and spice is giving me a headache. “Why are we staying in this city? Don’t vie for a job at a company you don’t want to be with when there are so many other opportunities out there. Haven’t you ever just wanted to take a chance and do something so out of the box it scares you?”

  I shake my head. Not because the answer is “no.” Because the answer is “always.” I’m always taking chances—putting myself out there, doing dumb things in an attempt to right a wrong.

  As if seeing I’m not in the mood to have this conversation, she steps back and adjusts her dress making sure the sequins are all facing in the downward direction. “Think about it, okay. At least come visit.”

  I offer her a sideways smile. “Of course, I’ll visit. You can show me how to hula.”

  “I’m gonna get some hot guys to teach us how to surf!” She spins on her heel and prances into the living room, stopping in front of the television. “Do you really think this storm is going to be as bad as they predict?”

  The deluge of swirling wind echoes as it hits the panes. There’s an ominous cloud of the unknown that sends a chill up my spine and makes my hair feel like its standing on end.

  “I think it’s going to be worse.”

  Kelli scrunches her lips. “Well, we have everything we need here, right? Go get dressed.”

  “I’m not going to that party.”

  “Come on! What the heck are you going to do up here alone all night?”

  “Workout and catch up on some reading.”

  She points a finger. “Don’t sit on your Kindle all night. The battery will die.”

  “Look at you worrying about losing power.”

  She gives me a sly grin. “If you change your mind, you know where I’ll be.” She slides her shoes on and gives her hair a toss before leaving.

  As soon as the door closes behind her, my hands are in my hair, and I pull on the strands as hard as I can without hurting myself. With a loud exhale, I walk around the small kitchen island and pace the living room.

  Standing still with Kelli here, was driving me insane. Between my dream, Kevin, Vince, the storm, and now Kelli’s announcement of her impending move, my anxiety is off the charts.

  I breathe in and out with measured beats and try to calm myself. Shaking my arms away from my body, I jog in place in an attempt to expel this pent-up energy.

  After all her threats of skipping town, Kelli is actually leaving. I can’t sort out my feelings. I’ll miss her like crazy. That’s a fact. I’ve only had one true confidant since high school, and that’s her. I have a lot of friends, but those relationships are superficial—bar nights and shopping excursions with acquaintances, not true friends. Kelli is the only one who knows the real me.

  My jog turns into jumping jacks. Letting my arms fly over my head, I think about what this will mean for me. I could get a new roommate, but who would that be. I can’t live with a stranger and all of my friends have roommates or boyfriends or prefer to live alone. Even if they wanted to move in, I don’t know if I could handle that. What I show on the surface is different from what Kelli knows about me on the inside—and I haven’t even showed her everything.

  Sweat drips down my neck as I fall to the floor and do sit-ups—working out helps clear my head. Tonight, as the rain pelts the glass, the thought of the impending hurricane spinning around the city has me pushing myself harder than usual.

  Kevin will want to move in. He’ll hate the idea of me living alone, and without Kelli, I have no excuse not to take our relationship to the next level.

  My abs burn, the pain stinging from my hips up to my collarbones, and my chest constricts with each rise.

  Kelli is leaving me.

  My back tightens. I push myself until it hurts and then do ten more.

  She said I hate my job. I do, but no more than any other person in the world.

  My stomach grows numb. My body wants me to slow down, but I fight through the pain.

  She said my romantic life is shit. Why? Just because I’m not ready to play house with my boyfriend?

  It gets harder to pull myself up from the supine position. My stomach shakes as the muscles weaken.

  She said I let him destroy me.

  Pushing harder, rising up, my knees lock.

  She was right.

  I fall to the ground and lie on my back. My lungs expanding with a tightness in my back. My hairline is coated, slick with sweat—worse than when I woke from my dream. Staring at the popcorn ceiling, I lie in personal silence, waiting for my muscles to relax.

  My fi
ngers fiddle with the necklace I wear every day—a gold rosette, a gift from Jackson before he left for college. It’s the one thing Kelli doesn’t know about—otherwise, she’d make me take it off.

  With my body exhausted, I give my brain a rest for the remainder of the evening as well.

  I rise from the floor and then walk to the refrigerator to pour myself a large glass of ice water and chug it. The television catches my attention where the newscasters are actually report stories instead of whether.

  “The Congressional Subcommittee on Energy was in town today. The group made up of eight U.S. Senators were set to discuss a new proposal for solar energy at the United Nations. The meetings were cut short due to the storm and will reconvene in a few days. In other news…”

  I groan and exit the living room in favor of the bathroom and turn on the shower letting the hot water hit my scalp; the heat energizes my sore muscles and rejuvenates my spirit. Placing my palms against the smooth porcelain tiles, I bow my head to allow the stream to pummel my spine. Sometimes a baptism by faucet is all a person needs to serve as a reset button on a shitty day.

  I dress in black pants and an orange tank top, and then throw a sweatshirt over it. With my hair brushed and my favorite fuzzy socks on my feet, I now sit on the most comfortable spot on the couch.

  I welcome my newest paperback to my hands and raise it to my nose, inhaling the scent of fresh pages. The aroma is familiar and cozy—it’s rare that I read a physical book. With the convenience of a Kindle and the significantly lower price of e-books, I find myself entranced by a glowing screen more often than not. But this paperback is part of my hurricane preparedness—the battery can’t die on this baby.

  But the lights can.

  Crap.

  Just as I open my book, the electricity flickers—TV, microwave, and refrigerator, all of them off—dammit

  Feeling my way around the apartment, I find the kitchen and grab my flashlight. Nestling myself back on the couch, I pull out my laptop from under the coffee table. It’s fully juiced, so I tap into the Wi-Fi using my mobile hot spot and log onto Facebook.

  The virtual world is pandemonium. Post after post shows what is happening in people’s neighborhoods, coupled with news stories from the South where the storm originated—images of destruction clutter my newsfeed.

  I hear the noise from the party on the fourth floor. Despite the lack of electricity, they all seem to be having fun. Lord help us they don’t burn the place down with candles. I could go down there, but I prefer being alone.

  Scrolling through my newsfeed, the Facebook messenger light pops up. I click on the icon, and my stomach drops at the sight of the name in bold of the incoming message.

  Ella Davis.

  Jackson’s sister.

  My fingers tap on the silver frame of my Mac with nervous anxiety. I haven’t heard from Ella in years, and her message, although still unread, sends my stomach into twisting, painful knots.

  We became Facebook “friends” a while back, but that’s not a real friendship—I’m not lying when I say I accepted her friend request because, at one time, the two of us were very close. And if I were to lie to myself, I’d say it wasn’t due to my burning curiosity to keep tabs on Jackson—to catch a rare glimpse of him in a family photo she posts around a holiday or her daughter’s birthday. Or maybe even see her brag about his recent accomplishments. Imagine my surprise, the boy who once was the apple of his daddy’s eye and a future politician, grew up to be a tatted-up musician who goes by the name, Jax.

  Cliche, I know.

  The subject line under her name reads part of the message.

  Trish. I need your help. Jax…

  My finger hovers over the mouse. The moment I click the message, she’ll know I read it. I won’t be able to help her—I’m stranded in my apartment during a hurricane; not to mention, I’m in New York. According to her profile, she lives in Washington, D. C. I can’t fathom what she could need me for or what would make her reach out after all this time.

  I move my hand closer to the mouse pad, about to click and then pull back. I can’t open it—not if it has anything to do with him. She knows Jax was the guy in the tape and that he’s the reason my family uprooted and moved to Connecticut. She has one hell of a nerve reaching out.

  The bottom of the computer feels hot on my skin as my finger hovers over the mouse. She hasn’t contacted me in almost a decade, even after we “connected” online. This is Ella Davis—the respectable, courteous, sweet, and proper girl I once studied with, and later became good friends. If she needs my help then it must be important and I shouldn’t ignore her.

  I click on the message. My heart threatens to beat out of my chest before I read the first word.

  Trish, I need your help. Jax was in an accident tonight and taken to Holy Samaritan in NYC. We called, and it doesn’t sound good. I’m freaking out. We’re trying to get into the city, but all flights are grounded. I know this is the craziest request, but you’re the only person I know there, and I need you to go to him. From what I’m being told, he’s dying and there is no one there to sit by his side. Please. I don’t have any one else to ask. If my brother doesn’t make it through the night, I don’t want him to be alone.

  Trembling.

  My body shakes.

  I try to breathe, but the air can’t inflate my lungs fast enough. I take sharp, shallow breaths. They’re quick, and I can’t keep up with them. The words I just read have me hyperventilating.

  I walk over to the kitchen, banging my foot on the end table unable to see in the dark. My knees hit the floor, so I crawl, fingers pawing at the vinyl flooring desperate to catch hold of anything to cling to.

  In the cabinet under the sink, I grab a brown paper bag and slam my back against the cabinet door. With my knees pressed tightly to my chest, I raise the bag to my mouth and take a series of deep breaths, inhaling as long as possible until my lungs resume normal function.

  Jax is in the city.

  Jax is dying.

  His family wants me to go to him.

  I want to tell them no. I should type back that Jackson deserves whatever happens to him tonight. A part of me died years ago at his hands, and I’ll never get it back.

  A thunderous boom sounds from outside the window making a car alarm blare.

  Beep. Beep. Beep.

  Flash. Flash. Flash.

  The lights from the vehicle reach our fifth-floor apartment providing a faint glow on the wall—the same wall that has a techno color picture of Jesus wearing sunglasses and giving the thumbs up. With pulsating beats, his holiness is illuminated like a neon sign along with every flash of the alarm.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I shout into the pitch-black apartment.

  Beep. Beep. Beep.

  Flash. Flash. Flash.

  Over and over, the blaring noise continues. If the owner of the vehicle would please turn their stupid alarm off it would be of great assistance, because right now, I’m freaking the fuck out. If I ever believed in signs—this would be the one to heed.

  My darkest enemy, the Judas of my life, lies alone in a hospital room dying, and I have been summoned to his bedside.

  I cover my ears, but the incessant wailing of the car won’t stop. Neither will the light blasting across the wall leaving me to contemplate the plight and answer the moral question of the night: Do I go to Jax or do I leave him there to suffer alone?

  chapter TWO

  Taxis are scarce in Alphabet City, and an Uber would cost way more than it should, so I run to the subway station on 14th street—my umbrella getting pulled inside-out by the powerful winds—only to find the service is suspended.

  I run to First Avenue, and stick my arm out to flag down one of the few taxis that are still on the road.

  I hear a noise behind me and turn to see a man dressed in brown pants and a tethered down jacket, huddled in the stoop of a store that has it’s gates lowered. He’s shivering and taking cover from the torrential downpour.


  Just when I think no one wants to be on the road anymore, a taxi pulls up with it’s window rolling down.

  “I’m done with my shift, but I’ll take you as far as the Queensboro,” he says, leaning across the passenger seat.

  “That’s perfect,” I open the back door and am about to climb in when I see the man shivering behind me. With the taxi door still open, I skip over to him and hold out my umbrella. “Take this.”

  He gives me a startled expression, clearly not expecting anyone to approach him in this weather, and then takes it from me with a nod.

  “Stay safe tonight,” I say and then get into the cab as quickly as possible.

  I talk myself out of going fifty times on the way uptown. Maybe it’s the good-Catholic girl in me, but knowing there is someone inside this hospital, alone, makes me feel sorry for him. And if he dies, well, I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive myself. He already haunts my dreams—if he passes away, that could take haunting to a whole new level.

  Before stepping out of the car, I pull my hood over my head and prepare to run through the rain pelting hard from the sky. The winds push me to the side, and I have to fight my way to the sliding, glass doors of the hospital entrance.

  The ambulances line the street with sirens blaring. Cars are double parked, and people are rushing in from various directions. Gurneys race in and out of the emergency room exit as doctors wait under the awning to greet—and quickly work on—the next patient arriving in trauma.

  I shoulder past a group of people and through the doors. The waiting room is packed. People are seated in chairs, on the floor, and standing in a mob—all rain-soaked and worried.

  Sliding my hood off my head, I wipe the water from my face and shake my body to get the droplets off my clothes. The ends of my pants are soaked from traipsing through puddles.

  Not knowing where to go or what to do, I search the room. There’s a group of people waiting to talk to a woman by a podium so I take a place in line.

  Pulling out my phone, I see it’s twelve-thirty in the morning. A chill from my wet clothes in an air-conditioned room runs up my spine, so I jog in place to warm myself up.