“I—” He tries to speak, but I hush him with a kiss.
“No more. No more talking about the past. I just want to live in the moment. For one day let’s just be us again.”
His cheek falls into my palm.
“Us,” he whispers against my lips. “I like that sound of that.”
Chapter TWENTY
It’s late in the afternoon by the time we make it back to the hotel. I pull my Wrangler up to the front entrance and find myself blushing. Jax leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek. With a smirk, I turn to him. It’s slightly odd now not knowing where we stand or what’s ahead. Whatever it is that’s going on—whatever it was that happened today—it was good.
“I have something for you,” he says. “Do you have a minute? I’ll run right up and bring it down.”
“What? Am I not allowed in your room?”
He smiles, raising my hand to his lips he gives it a kiss. “You are. I just want to take this slow. We’re starting all over again.”
Goddammit, but I can’t fight the blush on my face. My eyes water at how sweet that sentiment is. “I’ll wait in the lobby.”
I leave the car with the valet and get a ticket. Jax is waiting for me as I get to the other side of the vehicle and grabs my hand. Together, we walk through the double doors of the lobby.
Benji is at the front desk talking to Lani. It’s his surprised expression that catches my attention first. I think it’s because of my hair, and then I realize it’s because my hand is locked with Jax’s.
Lani’s smile is brilliant and then falls quickly. She clears her throat and says, “Trish, there’s someone waiting for you.” She points toward the set of benches on the opposite side of the koi pond at the same time she mouths the words, “I love your hair.”
I tell her thanks and then look to where she’s pointing. I am absolutely stunned at the site of Kevin looking back at me.
“Kevin?” I ask in disbelief even though I can clearly see him sitting there.
He stands up. His tall, lanky body is as high as one of the trees he’s standing near. He’s wearing a Black Dog Entertainment t-shirt and a confused expression as he looks at my hand entwined with Jax’s.
I quickly release my hand. I’d be a fool to say I don’t catch the way Jax looks back at me in surprised disappointment.
“Hey, Trish.” A male voice says from the side.
Jax and I turn and see Eric standing where the corridor meets the lobby. He’s looking dapper in beige pants and a navy button down. He doesn’t seem to notice Kevin, but he does notice Jax.
Eric takes his hands out of his pockets and raises his chin. “Are we still on for tonight?”
My jaw drops, and I have to blink a few times to wrap my mind around what is transpiring in the radius of ten feet around me. I run my hands over my cheeks not knowing where to start.
Kevin is looking at Jax and then Eric and back at me.
“Kevin, this is Jax. We went to high school together. Eric is a guest at the hotel.” My hands are waving in the air with nervous jolts. “And over there are my friends Lani and Benji. They’re Hawaiian. And they work here. Benji throws knives.”
Eric motion to Kevin. “And you are?”
“Her boyfriend,” Jax answers, cool, calm and with a disparaging unaffectedness. His hand that was in mine moments before is now hanging limply at his side.
Eric shakes his head in confusion. “You have a boyfriend, but you agreed to dinner with me?”
“We’re broken up,” I reply quickly.
Kevin looks away and backs up. I open my mouth to further my explanation to Eric when I see Kevin, out the corner of my eye, walking away.
I move, fast on my feet. “Wait.” I grab his shirtsleeve and turn him around. “What are you doing here?”
His kind eyes have a blankness to them. “I’m here with work.” He points to his shirt and the label of our former boss’ new company. He looks over my shoulder, then adds, “I was hoping we could talk, but it looks like you already have plans.” He turns to head out the door, but I pull him back again.
“Wait here,” I demand. My hands are out like I’m telling a puppy to sit. “No. Don’t wait here, here. There’s a restaurant in the back. Grab a table, and I’ll meet you there in ten minutes.” Kevin and I didn’t exactly leave on the best of terms and the first time he sees me is with another man. The least I can do is sit with him and do some heavy explaining.
He shifts from one foot to the other while looking down at the floor. “Yeah,” he concedes.
I call over one of the bellboys and ask him to show Kevin to the Birds of Paradise restaurant. When he gives me a that’s-not-my-job expression, I widen my eyes. “Please!”
Sensing my urgency, he nods toward Kevin and walks him out the back door. I’m watching Kevin walk out the sliding doors when I realize Jax is gone. Eric on the other hand is staring at me with wild curiosity and disappointment. He turns on his heel and walks out the front door.
“Shit!” I rub a hand across my forehead.
I don’t know where to start. Jax? Eric? Kevin?
I settle for the easiest option and walk to the front desk toward an enthralled-looking Lani and Benji.
Lani’s mouth is agape. “Two ex-boyfriends and a prospect. I’m impressed.”
I lean my elbow on the desk and hang my head. My insides feel like they’re being squeezed like a dirty, wet mop. “It’s not like that. I didn’t know Kevin was going to just show up like this.”
Benji laughs. “Two men in one week travel across the country to see you? Girl must have a magic punani.”
“It must be the Ben Wa balls,” Lani adds.
“Ben Wa balls?” Benji inquires, way too interested for my taste.
“Out!” I demand with a pointed finger outstretched toward the backdoor, and he startles. “Sorry, but I need to speak with Lani. Alone.”
Seeing my obvious physical breakdown, he steps back. “Of course. I’ll just go park myself at the bar and watch the show.”
The sound of the sliders closing behind him gives me a reprieve. There are other people working the desk this afternoon, so Lani steps to the side to deal with me.
“What in the world just happened?” I can tell she wants to laugh but remains serious as she asks the question.
“My worlds just collided.”
“Well, at least you’re not worried about your appearance,” she deadpans. I look down at my ensemble. My dress has stains, bathing suit beneath is still damp, and my boots are muddy. I can only imagine what my hair looks like.
“That bad?” I ask.
She opens a drawer below her, takes out a mirror, and holds it up. My hair is down and messy with strands overlapping haphazardly. It’s a casualty of drying while wet. I don’t have on a stitch of makeup, and my skin is red from being out in the sun.
“Keep that look, and you’ll go from three suitors to none,” she jokes, and I groan.
I cross my arms and lay my head in my palm. “I made a mess of things.”
“How so?” she ponders.
“I just took things with Jax way too far this afternoon,” I start.
Lani’s eyes beam, but I hold up a finger.
While things felt good this afternoon, I still have no idea where we stand. And, now, with him running at the first sight of competition, I’m reminded that Jax is a runner. When the situation gets intense, he walks away.
“We’ll discuss this later.” I swallow and shake my head at the situation. “Right now, I have to figure out how I started something with a guy who was buried in my past, have plans with a man who is supposed to be a step ahead into my new future, and am now face to face with the guy who I was stuck with in the present.”
I bite on my thumbnail. I told Kevin I’d be right out. Still, I can’t just leave Jax and Eric to think the worst of me. My knee hits the side of the counter, making me look down at notice my shaking leg.
“I need to take a walk to think,” I state. Yes,
a walk to clear my mind is exactly what I need to do. I pull my shoulders back and adjust my strapless top.
Lani leans forward and grabs my hand. Her hand is incredible soft yet firm, matching the look in her almond-shaped eyes. “You can’t walk unless you clear the path.” Her tone is gentle yet forthright reminding me a lot of her grandmother’s.
A heavy breath releases from my lungs and I take in her words. I relax my shoulders and my body comes down ten notches.
I nod in understanding.
With a deep breath, I walk out the back doors and straight toward the Birds of Paradise.
Kevin is seated at a table in the back corner. When I reach the chair beside him, I motion to see if it’s okay if I take a seat. He nods, his narrow chin moving slowly, so I sit down.
He’s the first to speak. “Guess I succeeded in my surprise.”
His icebreaker relaxes my nerves. I tilt my head and offer him a smile. “You sure know how to wow a girl. Why didn’t you call me ahead of time?”
“Good question.” He runs his palms over his eyes. “We broke up. Is that a simple enough answer?” There’s laughter in his face yet his eyes are downcast in a slight sadness. “Actually when I found out you were here I almost didn’t come.”
“You didn’t want to see me?”
“The opposite.” He leans down and scratches his calf, while his gaze averts to the side as if he’s unsure if he should have uttered those words. “When you left, it felt pretty open ended. You said you needed space. I gave it to you. I just hoped…I don’t know. I thought you just needed time. I didn’t expect to see you with another guy.”
I sigh and run my hand along the teak table. It’s smooth to the touch except for a small crack in the wood. When I left New York, I broke up with Kevin by saying I needed a break. What I really meant was I wanted to break up.
“It was a chicken’s way out. I couldn’t handle being the bad guy. I didn’t realize how cruel that was.”
He bangs his fist lightly on the table and looks up. “I was gonna come a few months ago but was hoping you’d reach out first. Guess I would have been waiting forever.”
“I was hoping you’d move on.” I smash my lips together as I watch him squeeze his palm.
“From you? We had two years together. It was fun, wasn’t it?”
“It was. Walks on the Highline and concerts in the park—”
“Hiking in New Paltz and working together, hanging out with friends…” he says and then adds, “I emailed Kelli. She knew I was coming. She said you’d be happy to see me.”
I shake my head in surprise that Kelli didn’t give me the heads up. “I am excited to see you.”
He plays with his napkin. “You know what I mean. It was pretty stupid. You said you needed space and moved to Hawaii. I can’t believe I’m such an idiot.”
“You’re a great man, Kevin. There wasn’t a day that I didn’t feel cherished and protected by you.”
His head raises, as do his eyes. “Then why did you throw it away?”
“Because I don’t deserve you. I gave my heart away a long time ago and never got it back. I tried because my mind knows you’re a great man and I’d be the luckiest girl in the world to spend my life with you. But my heart would never be in it. That’s a terrible thing to do to you. It’s a terrible thing to have done to you. I’m sorry.”
He lifts the sugar holder and plays with the packets of Splenda. His chest lifts with an inhale that only comes when you’re deep in thought. I sit and wait for him to work out whatever it is going on inside his head.
“I felt it, you know,” he says. “You pulling away. Even when we were at our happiest, it always felt like there was a piece of you I wasn’t getting.” He throws a packet onto the table. “I feel like a fool.”
“Why?”
“Because my heart says you.” His jaw tightens as his gaze flicks to the side and stays there as if afraid to look at me. “Shit. This is not how this was supposed to go.” The look on his face breaks my soul.
I grab his hand, holding it with as much conviction as I can display in a simple handhold.
“Someone will love you, Kevin. I promise. Someone amazing will come along and give you every bit of devotion you deserve.” He makes eye contact at the moment I add, “That someone isn’t me.”
He nods. His mouth down turned yet poised in understanding. “I know. I just hope she’s half as pretty as you.”
I ignore his compliment. “So where are you staying?”
He lets out a laugh. “Here.”
“Well, I happen to know a girl who can make things happen around here. How about I hook you up with a massage tomorrow? There’s a beautiful masseuse named Shannon who has fingers like an angel.”
He shakes his head as if in complete disbelief of the conversation taking place between the two of us. He finally laughs and it sooths my soul. “You know Hawaii agrees with you. You look, happy.”
I smile. “I am.”
“And calmer,” he adds.
“I am. Look no shakes.” I hold my hands up in the air showing smooth, steady and controlled. Kevin may not have known the reason for my anxiety, but he was aware it existed.
“Huh. Maybe I should move out here, too. You think they have any positions for technical directors?”
I push him in the arm. “Come on, let’s get you back to your room before you start looking for real estate.”
…
I knock lightly on the door and wait. For some reason, I was prepared for him not to open. His ability to walk away when he gets overwhelmed is uncanny.
I take the key I made at the front desk and let myself in.
The lights are on, set to dim. The marble floors shine with an amber hue. The master bedroom door is open, the bed untouched. There’s no one in the dining area, or kitchen and the living room is empty so I walk straight toward the lanai.
I stop at the glass and look outside at the back of Jax’s head. He’s seated in a chair, looking toward the ocean. It’s dark out, and the outside lights are turned off. The only light is the one coming from the crimson flame burning from the propane fireplace.
I open the door and step outside. He doesn’t flinch at the sound of the door closing. Nor does he look my way.
He’s showered and sitting in nothing but a plush, white bath towel. A glass filled with dark liquid rests in his hand.
I step in front of him. He doesn’t acknowledge my presence. Instead, his gaze is focused on the metal railing.
“You’ve been drinking.”
He doesn’t respond. He merely lifts the glass to his lips and takes a sip. His throat bobs and his lips grimace with the taste. The way his eyes are red rimmed, I get the feeling he is savoring that burn more than he should.
“What are you doing here?” he asks.
“I turned around, and you were gone.”
He takes another drink and stares straight ahead. “So that was Kevin?” His mouth is tight as if tasting something bad. “Traveled all this way to be with you. What a fool.”
For some reason, I have a feeling he’s not talking about Kevin.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
He draws his brows together. The glow of the fire highlighting the circles under his eyes. “Only an idiot would drop everything and travel five thousand miles for a girl.”
I stomp forward, my boot making a clanging sound. I cross my arms and look down at him. “What upsets you more? That he matched you on chivalrous attempts to get me back, or that I chased after him instead of you.”
“All of it,” he bites out, running a jerky hand through his hair. “Why are you here anyway? You should be on your date.”
I step forward again. “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.”
“No, you’re not,” he raises his voice. He clenches his jaw and looks back at me. “I’m your past. I’m the guy that had his chance and blew it. I had no business coming back into your life and fucking everything up. That guy,” h
e leans forward and motions his arms out, “Kevin, he traveled all the way here. Not to right some fucking wrong. He came here because you had a relationship. A real, adult relationship. One that I helped you fuck up.”
“For your information, he’s here for work, not some epic crusade to get me back. I told you earlier. That relationship wasn’t right.”
He doesn’t seem to care what I have to say. “So he doesn’t want you back?” His brow rises in a dare for me to lie. I don’t answer him because I refuse to give him the satisfaction of being right even in the slightest.
“What about that other guy? The suit. He’s supposed to be wining and dining you. Treating you like a real man should. If I weren’t here, you’d be out with him right now.”
I raise my arms in frustration. “Stop telling me what I would and wouldn’t, should and shouldn’t be doing!”
“Of course, I’m going to tell you what to do. I don’t want you to ruin your life again on my account.”
I lean forward and grab the arms of his chair. “Why? Why do you have the right to say what I do?”
“Because I love you!” he shouts and my breath hitches. Even though they’re beautiful words, ones I’ve dreamed about hearing again, they’re not said with devotion. They’re said through the pain.
My lips quiver as I declare, “Regardless of what you think, you may be my past, but you’re also my future.” I lean my head in further into his personal space and declare, “I choose you. The saint and the sinner. The villain and the victim. I choose you, Jackson Davis, because whether you like it or not I’ve been in-love with you since I was fourteen-years-old and you glud your stupid fingers together. You made a terrible mistake and not only did I forgive you, but right now it’s long forgotten. I can’t even think of what that time in my life was like. Right here, right now, I am looking at a man in front of me, and I can tell you without a doubt, I choose you. If you don’t want me then fine. I’ll move on. But no matter who I’m with from here on out it will be unfair to them because I have and always will be yours. And you’re mine.”
I push off his chair and back away, turning to face the water and grab the wrought-iron railing. My chest is rising, and my fingers are shaking. Not from anger or fear, but because I’ve never felt this much passion toward someone in my entire life, having it unleashed in words is the most powerful thing I’ve ever felt.
True Abandon Page 23
