“What do you mean?” I asked.
“When I left home, I knew I needed a new name. She used to always call me Tate in the dream.”
I wanted to ask him what his real name was, but I held back because I could see by the way he’d started twisting his hands again, that he was already tense. He cast a look over his shoulder at Matty who was still asleep. Then I felt his eyes on me and I could tell he wanted to say something.
“What?” I asked, keeping my voice low and gentle.
“I wish I’d been stronger back then,” he said quietly. “Maybe she’d still be alive if I’d said something…anything.”
I tensed at that because I knew who the she he was referring to was, but when I shot Tate a glance, he was once again looking out the window. I fought the urge to reach my hand over to grab one of his so he would stop clenching them together. But my body refused to listen to my brain and before I knew it, my palm was settling over his warm skin. He stilled instantly and I heard the slightest intake of breath. Electricity fired through my blood when I once again felt his eyes on me.
I’d intended to tell him that it wasn’t his fault, but I got lost in the sensation that was coursing through my body and what it meant. My brain could deny it all it wanted, but the fact that my dick was even now swelling with need was proof that it wasn’t some fluke.
I wanted Tate.
Badly.
And I had no idea what that meant.
Chapter Six
Tate
I wasn’t able to take a deep breath until Hawke removed his hand from mine. The contact had been brief, seconds only, but my whole body felt like it was on fire. Desire wasn’t an entirely new feeling for me, but I’d never felt it to this extreme.
Growing up in a small, rural town in Eastern Texas hadn’t exactly provided a lot of options for a teenage kid with a homophobic father and brother to explore his sexuality, but I’d lucked out when I’d discovered that a classmate I’d been tutoring in English Lit, Reggie Kimball, was hiding the same secret I was. Reggie had been two years older than me and had already fooled around with a couple other guys when he’d cornered me in the gym’s locker room at school one day and kissed me.
He’d never allowed me to call him my boyfriend, even when it was just us, but I’d let him take my virginity just the same. The sex hadn’t been at all what I’d expected, but I’d never protested when he’d asked if he could fuck me. Because even though I’d never found pleasure in the act, I’d lived for what came after…those few minutes when Reggie would be lying on top of me, his length buried deep inside of me, his breath against my neck, his heavy body covering mine like a blanket. In those moments I became someone else – we both did. And I was safe…and free. There was no doublewide trailer to go home to, no bruises to try and hide, no fear that one day the heavy fists wouldn’t stop. But it would only last as long as it took for Reggie to recover, pull free of me and slap me on my ass and tell me I was the best fuck he’d ever had.
A couple months after Reggie left for college, I visited a gay club in nearby San Antonio on a night Buck and Denny were out of town. I’d been picked up within minutes of walking through the door, but instead of going to a motel like I’d hoped, the guy had fucked me in a darkened area at the back of the club. As he’d come, I’d heard other grunts all around me and I’d realized other men had been watching us. Humiliation and fear had coursed through me and I’d run as soon as the man had slipped free of me. I never went back.
It wasn’t until I was almost twenty-one that Reggie suddenly returned to town after having dropped out of college. He’d been just as arrogant and callous as ever and I’d still been just as desperate for the connection with someone who needed me, even if it was in a fucked up way. He took, I took…it had just worked for us and somewhere along the way, he’d become the closest thing to a friend that I’d had.
But not once had I ever felt with Reggie what I felt when Hawke touched me. Even now, minutes later, I could still feel my breath sawing in and out of me as my body drew up tight with excitement. I knew that Hawke had only meant the gesture to be about comfort, but my body didn’t seem to care. I shifted in my seat to try to ease the discomfort in my jeans as my dick continued to swell.
I wanted to laugh out loud at the irony of the situation. For the first time in my life, I was feeling true desire and it was for a straight man who was just using me to get what he wanted. He’d terrorized, threatened and ultimately blackmailed me, but my body chose this moment, this man to come alive for.
I willed my cock to settle down as I turned my attention back on the scenery flying by. My thoughts drifted to Hawke’s wife and pity rushed through me for the faceless woman. Because I knew in my heart what Buck and Denny would have done to her before they’d taken her life. I’d been honest with Hawke when I’d said I didn’t remember any discussion of his wife between Buck and Denny, but I knew from years of watching my father and brother use and abuse women, that they would have taken pleasure in hurting the woman. I also knew that they were very good at not getting caught. Which would explain why Hawke’s wife was gone. And it also explained why he’d threatened me…it was something I wouldn’t have understood before Matty came into my life – that unconditional love you had for someone else, that they had for you. I would do anything to protect Matty and if I lost him, I knew I wouldn’t survive it. The man next to me knew that pain, had lived it for ten years now. I couldn’t fault him for wanting what he did. And the fact that I had to pay for it right alongside Buck and Denny…maybe it was justice coming full circle. For not having had the courage to find someone who would make sure Buck and Denny were stopped.
“Daddy, I gotta pee.”
Matty’s voice startled me from my thoughts and I turned to see that he was rubbing at his eyes.
“Okay, buddy, we’ll stop in a second.”
I glanced at Hawke. His entire countenance had grown hard and cold and I could feel the tension wafting off him in waves. He gave me the slightest nod, but didn’t speak and he never once glanced at Matty in the rearview mirror. It was like we were no longer there.
We stopped at a fast food restaurant, but to my surprise, Hawke didn’t come in with us. We were still technically his prisoners, but I suspected he knew I needed his help just as badly as he needed mine, more so even, and that I wouldn’t be asking anyone to alert the authorities. Once we were done in the bathroom, I took Matty’s hand and led him up to the counter and scanned the menu. Ignoring my own growling stomach, I ordered Matty some chicken nuggets and fries and herded him back to the car as he tried to search through the bag for the toy the advertisement for the meal had promised. Once he was buckled in, I got back into the passenger seat and waited, but Hawke didn’t put the car in gear. His eyes finally lifted to check the rearview mirror and then he glanced at me. His jaw tightened and then he turned the car off and got out without a single word and stalked off towards the restaurant.
“How you feeling, buddy?” I asked as I turned so I could watch my son devour his meal.
“Look, Daddy,” he said as he proudly held up the small plastic airplane. “Can we go see this movie?”
“Maybe,” I hedged as my stomach churned. I knew I needed to explain to Matty why he’d be spending much of the next six months in the hospital, but I had no idea how to do it. I could feel the tears threatening all over again so I turned around and stared at the cars flying along the Interstate. By now, I should have been used to the feeling of not knowing what was going to happen…it had become a way of life for us. But all I wanted was for my kid was to have a normal life. Play dates, birthday parties, a house with a yard, a dog…and I couldn’t give him any of that.
Hawke pushed out through the restaurant door, a bag in one hand and a cup in another. He practically ripped open the driver’s side door. He shoved the bag at me and put the cup in the cup holder before jamming the key into the ignition and starting the car. I held the bag on my lap, trying to ignore my cramping stomach as the
smell of the food hit me. Once the car was moving, I tried to hand the bag to Hawke but he pushed it back at me and muttered, “Eat.”
I looked at him in surprise. “But-”
“Just shut up and eat, Tate,” Hawke snapped.
“Oooh, he said a bad word,” Matty called from the back seat.
“Eat your lunch, okay, Matty?” I managed to say, though I couldn’t take my eyes off the man next to me who had yet to look at me. When he finally did, I felt my throat close up at the flash of softness I saw as he quietly repeated his order for me to eat. The hardness returned almost instantly, but I didn’t focus on that. Instead, I opened the bag and did exactly as he said.
I ate.
* * *
Hawke’s emotional distance continued to grow throughout the drive north. We had to stop several more times for Matty to go to the bathroom and while Hawke never complained, I couldn’t get a read on him. He didn’t interact with me or Matty, but at a gas station, he bought Matty some ice cream and when Matty saw a children’s play area in a park across the street from the next gas station we stopped at, Hawke pulled the car up to it after we’d gassed up and Matty and I had played for almost a half an hour before getting back in the car to continue on our journey.
We’d stopped for dinner an hour earlier at a truck stop that had a restaurant attached to it, but when I’d only ordered a small soda, Hawke had ended up ordering me a burger, fries and even a piece of pie. I’d tried to offer him money to pay for both Matty’s and my meals, but he’d shot me such a dark look that the protest had died in my throat.
Matty had spent most of the meal coloring the children’s paper placemat in front of him and I knew even he’d sensed Hawke’s withdrawal. We’d gotten back on the road after that and Matty had fallen asleep a few minutes later.
Darkness had started to fall when I glanced at the clock in the dashboard and saw that it was eight o’ clock.
“Hawke,” I said softly.
Because it was dark in the car, I couldn’t be sure that the man next to me actually flinched when I said his name, but he did turn to glance at me. “What?”
I ignored the irritation in his voice. “Are we stopping for the night soon?”
“We’re driving through,” came his terse reply.
“Don’t we have like six hours to go?” I asked.
“Five.”
“Matty’s tired. He needs a bath and he needs to sleep in a bed. Can we just stop at a hotel? I…I’ll pay for it,” I offered even though I knew a hotel room would eat up much of the little cash I had left.
Hawke didn’t respond in any way. Anger surged through me, but I quelled it and said, “Please.”
The only reaction I got was Hawke drumming a couple of his fingers on the steering wheel. The red glow from the lights on the dashboard let me see a little of his face and I could tell he wasn’t happy. But I didn’t give a shit. My son came first. Before I could repeat my request, Hawke turned on the blinker and steered the car off the Interstate at the next exit. There was only one small motel just off the freeway and I could only hope it was reasonably clean because the outside appearance was not encouraging. Hawke was already out of the car a second after he slammed it into park and he was back a moment later with the room key…a single room key.
I kept my mouth shut as he drove us around to the other side of the motel and parked in front of our room. There were only a couple of other cars in the lot. As I pulled Matty from the backseat, Hawke got our stuff from the trunk and then opened the door. I breathed a sigh of relief when he flicked on the lights. It wasn’t a pretty room, but it looked clean. I carried Matty to one of the two beds and sat down.
“Matty, do you feel like taking a bath tonight?” I asked softly against his head. I felt him nod against my chest and I couldn’t help but smile. My kid loved his baths.
Hawke dropped mine and Matty’s bag on the bed next to me. I looked up to see him staring at Matty. I was surprised to see that the mask of indifference had disappeared and in its place was an intense look of longing. His eyes shifted to me and I sucked in a breath at the impact it had on me. God, what I would have given to have him lean down to brush his lips over mine. I didn’t know if Hawke saw something in my gaze because his eyes went dark with some unnamed emotion and then he shuttered them and suddenly turned and left the room. No explanation, no saying when he would be back. I shook my head as I held Matty tighter. I needed to get a fucking grip. If Hawke had any idea of the direction my thoughts kept wandering in, he’d kick my ass for sure.
I took Matty into the bathroom and got his bath started. He woke up enough to play with his new toy and his Spiderman doll in the tub, but as soon as I got him out and started drying him off, he started to drift again and by the time I put him in one of the beds, he was completely out. Hawke still hadn’t returned so I used the time to change into a pair of sweats and a T-shirt and then went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. After rinsing, I used a hand towel to dry my mouth and turned to leave the bathroom when I saw Hawke watching me from the doorway. I managed to stifle a gasp at his sudden presence because I hadn’t heard the door open.
“I’m done in here,” I managed to choke out as I willed my speeding heart to slow down. I put the towel down on the counter. Hawke hadn’t moved at all and I felt excitement flood my system as his eyes stayed on me. I couldn’t pinpoint what he was thinking, but I knew what I was thinking…or rather, what my body was.
Since Hawke’s big body was blocking most of the doorway and he didn’t seem to be in any rush to move, I was forced to try to get past him without touching him. It would have worked if he hadn’t stepped forward just a little bit as I was walking past. The move had me pressed back against the doorframe and I froze in place as Hawke’s body brushed mine. The contact lasted only seconds, but it felt like forever as his chest skimmed mine. Even through my T-shirt, my skin burned and lit up with sensation and I sucked in a harsh breath as he held the position for a brief moment. I looked up to see that Hawke’s eyes were on me - on my mouth to be exact - and I licked my lips in anticipation. His whole body drew up tight and we both held there. The air sizzled around us and heat flooded my entire system as my cock filled in eagerness. And I knew if I didn’t move, he’d notice it because his crotch was almost brushing mine. If he just moved forward a little bit…
The whole thing ended when Hawke stepped past me into the bathroom and began to shut the door. I moved out of the way and felt my knees nearly give out as the door clicked into place. I stumbled to the bed I was sharing with Matty and dropped down on it and tried to catch my breath. I knew the encounter hadn’t lasted more than a few seconds and that I’d read way more into it than it had been, but it was just more proof that being in Hawke’s presence was dangerous in so many ways. Anxiety crept over me as the feeling of being trapped took over. Two years ago I’d risked everything to escape the life that had been forced upon me. And now it was happening all over again. Hawke, cancer…I couldn’t escape those things. Despair sank into my bones as I crawled into bed next to Matty and rested my head on the pillow next to his. But just as quickly as the hopelessness had come over me, the second Matty rolled and pressed himself up against my chest, it receded and I wrapped my arms around my son. Whatever came tomorrow and the next day and the day after that…I’d handle it. I had to. Because it wasn’t about me anymore. It hadn’t been about me for a really long time.
* * *
By the time the car rolled past the heavy iron gate that blocked the driveway at the end of a secluded dead end, my anxiety was sky high. Matty hadn’t stopped talking for more than a minute or two ever since Hawke had driven the car onto the ferry that took us from the mainland to Whidbey Island and Hawke had been cool and distant since we’d left the motel this morning. Luckily, Matty hadn’t noticed his surly attitude, but my frustration had grown more and more every time he answered Matty’s curious questions with blunt, one or two word responses.
“Is Bullet nice?” I heard Mat
ty ask from the back seat.
“Uh-huh,” was all Hawke said back to him.
It wasn’t until the car was parked in front of the huge Tudor style mansion and Hawke and I had both gotten out, that I finally got a chance to lay into the man like I wanted. As I moved past Hawke to get Matty out of the car, I bit out, “We didn’t ask to be here. He’s just a kid and he doesn’t deserve you treating him like shit.”
Hawke grabbed my arm before I could reach for the door handle. His hold wasn’t gentle, but he wasn’t hurting me either. Just like the night before, he looked at me like he wanted to say something, but instead, his eyes dropped to where his fingers were pressed against my bare skin. I was no longer surprised by the current of electricity that passed through me or the way heat began spreading out from the place where his skin touched mine. But what surprised me was rather than releasing me, Hawke drew me closer to him. And instead of just gripping my arm, his fingers began rubbing back and forth over my heated skin. I held my breath as he continued to draw me forward until we were almost touching. Everything around us ceased to exist as his eyes held mine and I saw the unspoken apology there…at least, that’s what I thought it was. I saw something else too, but I couldn’t be sure about it either because it seemed too farfetched to be possible.
Longing.
For what, I didn’t know. But he had yet to let me go and I had yet to move away.
It wasn’t until a cold, wet nose pressed against my hand that the spell was broken. I looked down to see a large German Shepherd sniffing me and then glanced up to see a man standing at the entrance to the house. His eyes weren’t on me, though. They were on Hawke who hesitated for a moment before releasing me and stepping back. The dog circled him excitedly several times, but Hawke ignored him and went around the front of the car. I forced my attention back to getting Matty. His initial excitement about the dog seemed to have faded once he got a look at the huge animal because he clung to me as I lifted him out of the car. His legs were wrapped around my waist and his stranglehold on my neck sent a clear message that he wasn’t ready to be put down yet so I carried him around the car.
Retribution (The Protectors, Book 3) Page 6
