I didn’t know what to make of the cryptic statement and truth be told, I was still too caught up in everything that had happened in the last few days - hell, within the last few hours - to actually want to try and understand it. “I should get that release form done,” I said quietly.
“Sure, my laptop’s in the kitchen.” I followed Ronan out of the hallway, but my thoughts were still on Hawke and I wondered what the hell I was supposed to do next.
* * *
My limbs felt heavy and sluggish as the barista handed me my coffee. The small coffee stand near the entrance of the hospital had been a blessing in disguise because I couldn’t stomach the sludge they served in the cafeteria. I was on my second visit of the day, my first being when I’d left the hospital to go back to the hotel to shower and change and try to grab a few hours of sleep.
It had only been ten days since Matty had been admitted, but it felt like a lifetime. The day after arriving at Seth and Ronan’s house, I’d taken Matty to the children’s hospital in Seattle. I’d expected to make the journey by myself and had been trying to get up the nerve to ask Ronan and Seth if they had a car I could borrow, when Seth had knocked on the bedroom door of the room Matty and I were sharing and had asked if he and Ronan could come with me. I’d barely managed to hold it together at that point because I hadn’t been at all prepared to try to deal with understanding all the information the doctors would be throwing at me to explain the treatment plan for the next six months.
Ronan had driven us to the hospital and he’d kept Matty entertained on the ferry to the mainland while I’d had a chance to talk to Seth. I hadn’t seen Hawke since the day before when he’d stormed out of the gym. On the one hand, I’d been relieved because I wasn’t sure when Hawke was going to insist that I keep up my end of the deal. On the other hand, I’d missed the distant, brooding man, though I had no idea why.
The visit with Matty’s new oncologist had gone well and Ronan had stayed with me to ask the questions I hadn’t thought of while Seth kept Matty busy by playing with him in the waiting area. The doctor hadn’t tried to gloss over the seriousness of Matty’s illness, but he’d been very optimistic that Matty would respond to treatment, especially since we’d caught the disease so early. After the appointment, Ronan and Seth had suggested we go down to the waterfront for lunch. Matty had had a chance to play the various arcade games that were housed in the same building as the restaurant and then we’d explored the aquarium. The fun had continued once we’d returned to the house on Whidbey Island and by the time we’d sat down to a dinner of hamburgers and hot dogs on the patio, Matty had barely been able to keep his eyes open. I’d put him to bed shortly after that and had used the quiet time to explain to Matty that he was sick and would need to spend some time in the hospital. I wasn’t sure how much Matty had really understood, but it hadn’t mattered because just before he’d drifted off to sleep, he’d murmured something about superheroes always getting better even when they got hurt.
I’d gone back downstairs after that to talk with Ronan and Seth about them watching out for Matty after I had to leave with Hawke to go to Lulling. They’d both been sitting at the kitchen table, hands joined as they’d poured over some papers that they’d spread out in front of them. I’d watched them in silence for a moment as they’d talked and laughed amongst themselves and I’d envied the easy conversation and the loving touches between them. And none of those things had stopped when they’d spied me. Instead, they’d waved me over and as I’d sat down, they’d started going over the plans they’d made on how to split up the time spent staying with Matty in the hospital so he’d never be by himself. I’d lost it at that point and had started sobbing uncontrollably as I’d realized I wouldn’t have to face this by myself. Seth had held me as I’d cried and when I’d finally managed to get control of myself, there’d been no judgment or recrimination. We’d simply picked up where we’d left off and made our plans.
The following morning, we’d taken two cars to the hospital. Ronan and I had gone directly to the hospital to get Matty admitted while Seth had taken Bullet to the nearby hotel we’d be using as our home base for the foreseeable future since their house was too far away to travel back and forth to. I’d been nervous about the admission process in terms of the financial aspect, but the woman at the desk had merely slid a piece of paper in front of me and pointed to the billing section and asked if the information was correct. I’d felt Ronan’s eyes on me as I’d read the name on the page, but he hadn’t said anything.
Michael Hawkins.
Michael.
At first the name didn’t seem to fit the harsh man, but the more I’d said it to myself over and over in my mind, I’d found that I liked the way it sounded in my head and as soon as I’d been by myself, I’d actually spoken it out loud just to see what it felt like. I hadn’t asked Ronan where Hawke was staying though he clearly hadn’t been staying at the house or I would have seen him. I’d kept hoping he would show up at some point, though I had no idea what I would have said to him if he had.
Matty had been a trooper for all the various poking and prodding he’d had to endure, but he’d had his first meltdown when he’d woken up after receiving anesthesia so that doctors could put in a central line. The central line had been inserted under his collarbone and was threaded under the skin until it came out of his upper chest. It was meant to make the administration of the chemotherapy drugs easier, but Matty had cried when he’d realized that the strange looking device would be staying in his body for the foreseeable future. He’d been inconsolable until the moment Ronan had leaned down and whispered something into his ear. I’d only heard the words “superhero juice” but whatever he’d said had been enough for Matty to settle down and I’d held him in my arms until he’d finally fallen asleep. It was at that moment that I’d known I’d be able to leave my son in the care of the two men who were fast becoming friends.
Matty’s first chemo treatment had been done the following night while he’d been asleep and Ronan had stayed with me the entire night while Seth went back to the hotel to get some rest. Matty had reacted better than expected to the medication, though he was nauseous the next morning and hadn’t eaten anything. By lunch time, he’d been sitting up in bed and had taken a few tentative bites of the mac and cheese the nurse had brought him. He’d spent the rest of the afternoon napping, watching cartoons and coloring and when Seth had arrived to relieve us, Ronan and I had gone to the hotel to get some sleep.
As planned, we’d each taken shifts and while I’d spent every hour that I wasn’t sleeping by Matty’s side, Ronan and Seth alternated so that the only time I was ever alone with Matty was when he was asleep. I usually managed to snag a few hours of sleep myself at those times, but after only ten days, the physical and emotional stress were taking their toll on me.
Hence the many coffee runs.
But as tough as the days had been, we’d gotten some really good news the previous day when the doctor had spoken to us about the bone marrow biopsy they’d done. The fact that the disease hadn’t progressed enough that Matty would need a stem cell transplant had helped ease some of the constant fear and anxiety that plagued me day in and day out.
I took a few sips of the coffee as I made my way to the elevator. The bitter liquid helped clear my muddled thoughts and I threw out the coffee before I entered the ICS ward. The unit was home to nearly a dozen immunocompromised kids and it was both humbling and encouraging to see the children of all ages and their families who were going through the same things Matty and I were. I hadn’t had a chance to talk to any of the other parents yet, but Matty had already made friends with a little girl named Susie who was a year younger than him and was halfway through her course of treatment. He’d spent some time playing with her in the toy room and I’d nearly cried when I’d gotten to see my little boy being the kid he was meant to be. In those few minutes, he hadn’t been sick and I hadn’t had to deal with the prospect of losing him.
“Daddy!”
I smiled as Matty welcomed me before I’d even gotten the door to his room completely open.
“Hey, buddy,” I said as I hurried to the bed and carefully wrapped my arms around him. I gave Seth a smile over Matty’s shoulder.
“Seth and I are playing Tic Tac Toe,” Matty said excitedly as he pointed to a piece of paper with dozens of Tic Tac Toe squares on them.
“He’s beating me,” Seth announced grumpily.
Matty chuckled. “You can win next time,” he promised.
“Deal,” Seth said with a laugh. “Hey, didn’t you want to show your dad something?” Seth asked.
“Oh yeah,” Matty said and then he was searching the bed for something. He finally pulled out a doll I didn’t recognize. “Look what Hawke brought me!”
My heart lurched at the mention of Hawke and I felt a sliver of disappointment go through me that I’d missed his visit. “Wow, cool,” I said.
“It’s Hawkeye,” Matty explained.
“That was so nice of him,” I said. “Did you say thank you?”
Matty nodded, but then his face fell. “He said he had to go away for a while.”
“Hawke said that?”
“Uh-huh. He said he might not be able to come back.”
I glanced up at Seth who gave me a slight nod. “He left this for you,” Seth said as he reached for a folded over piece of paper sitting on a small table next to Matty’s bed.
My fingers shook as I saw my name scrawled across the front of the note. Inside were just a few words, but they shook me to my core.
Take care of your son, Tate. --H
My knees felt weak and I had to search out a chair. I shook my head in disbelief and I looked up at Seth. “Did you read this?”
Seth shook his head and I handed him the note. He read it and then folded it closed.
“When did he leave that?” I asked
“About an hour after you left.”
I leaned back in the chair and watched Matty play with his doll. Hawke was letting me go. I couldn’t believe it.
“Why would he do this?” I asked. I had no doubt that Seth knew exactly what Hawke’s plans for me had been since I was sure Ronan would have told him.
I wasn’t sure if Seth was going to answer me or not, but before he even had the chance, there was a knock on the door. Mira, the second shift nurse entered.
“Hi Matty,” she said.
“Hi,” Matty returned and then he was holding up the doll. “Look what I got.”
“Hawkeye,” Mira said knowingly. “He’s my favorite.”
“How come?” Matty asked as Mira came farther into the room.
“Because he doesn’t have any actual super powers, but he’s just as brave as all the other Avengers.” Mira bypassed Matty’s bed and came up to me.
“The billing office asked that I give this to you,” she said as she handed me a piece of paper.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Your receipt.”
Mira turned her attention to Matty before I could question her further. I studied the piece of paper and felt my heart constrict painfully in my chest when I saw Hawke’s name again in the payer section. I shifted my eyes to the bottom of the page and sucked in a breath when I saw the balance. It was a negative number. A really big number.
“What is it?” Seth asked.
I glanced up to see that Mira had left at some point and Matty and Seth were once again playing Tic Tac Toe.
“He prepaid the bill,” I managed to say. “For Matty’s treatment.”
Seth’s eyes held mine for a brief moment and I swore I saw a hint of a smile drift over his lips before Matty demanded his attention again. I sat back in the chair and let my eyes fall back on the receipt.
What the hell did this mean?
Chapter Nine
Hawke
I held the rifle against my shoulder as I watched the headlights bounce along the dirt road that led up to the house. I’d grabbed it long before the car even made the turn from the secluded highway that bordered the property, because it was rare to see any kind of vehicle making the journey across the pass this time of night. And since my only neighbor owned a huge cattle ranch, I knew the man was already in bed since he was up before the sun even rose. It was likely just some poor soul who’d taken a wrong turn somewhere and gotten lost and was seeking directions, but I was hoping the rifle would make it clear that I wasn’t in the mood for chit-chat.
Because I had work to do.
The drive from Seattle to Rocky Point, Wyoming had taken nearly twelve hours, but instead of getting the rest my body was demanding when I’d finally spied the lone light on the slight rise as I’d crested the last pass, I’d immediately started putting my plans into motion. Not having Tate as part of the equation anymore would make finding Buck and Denny much more difficult, but what I couldn’t get with a few subtle questions, I could take with brute force. Someone in Lulling would tell me where the bastards were one way or another.
From the moment I’d admitted to Ronan that I’d lost not only my wife, but my son as well, I’d been a man possessed. Only I hadn’t had anyone or anything to take my rage out on, so I’d drowned myself in alcohol in the small, secluded motel I was staying at. Ronan had called me several times and left messages asking me to go to Matty’s first appointment with the oncologist or to join them for dinner, but I hadn’t called him back. I hadn’t wanted to see Matty and I definitely hadn’t wanted to see Tate. And not only because my growing need for the other man was slowly driving me crazy. No, I hadn’t wanted to see either of them because that fucking voice had gotten louder and louder in my head.
My wife’s voice.
My beautiful, gentle wife who’d given up everything to be with me. My wife who’d been carrying the child we’d been trying for years for.
And she’d kept saying the same three words over and over to me until the doubt grew like a cancer inside of me.
This isn’t you.
I’d done my best to ignore the words, but I’d heard them in every heartbeat, in every breath. I’d figured that if I set a timetable, the relentless torment would stop, so I’d sobered up long enough to get in my car and drive to Seattle in the dead of night so I could confront Tate and tell him when we were leaving. To my surprise, I hadn’t had any trouble finding out what room Matty was in because someone had put my name down as an authorized visitor. A little bit of sweet talk with one of the nurses had gotten me around the fact that at just past midnight, it was too late for visitors and I’d been led to Matty’s private room. She’d explained to me that the chemotherapy drugs were being administered to Matty while he was asleep and warned me not to wake him up. She’d also told me that Matty’s father was spending the nights with him.
I’d pushed open the door after steeling myself to face Tate, but all the pity for the man and his son that I’d forced away during my drive to the city had come roaring back when I’d seen Matty curled up on his side, his Spiderman doll and teddy bear clutched against his chest. There’d been only a small light on above Matty’s bed, but it’d been enough to see where the line from the IV bag entered his body through two cannulas that were sticking out of his skin beneath a huge bandage. I’d managed to quietly close the door behind me as my eyes had drifted to Tate who’d been asleep in a large chair next to Matty’s bed. His hand had been extended onto Matty’s bed, his fingers resting on one of the little boy’s arms.
I’d willed myself to wake Tate up and tell him we were leaving in a couple days, but instead of moving towards him, I’d gone to the other side of the room and dropped down into an identical chair to the one Tate had been sitting in and I’d watched them both sleep. I’d stayed until light began filtering through the window and as I’d gotten up to leave, I’d walked right up to Tate. But instead of shaking him awake, I’d merely stood there watching him sleep, his features relaxed. Right before I’d left, I’d run my fingers through his thick hair, marveling at its softness as it had curled aro
und my fingers.
I’d spent the next day at Seth and Ronan’s house shredding my body in their gym in the hopes that the brutal workout would distract me from what I needed to do. And hours later when I’d made the trip to the city again, I’d been determined to follow through with my plan. Only that night ended up like the first one. And so went every night after that. At some point, Revay’s voice had quieted in my mind and when it was finally silent, I’d known it was time to finish what I’d started. So twenty-four hours ago when I’d walked out of Matty’s room, I’d let my fingers rest in Tate’s hair like I had all the other nights, but then I’d gone a step further and leaned down to brush my lips over his temple. He’d stirred just enough so that his lips were achingly close to mine and I’d finally given in to my need to taste him and had brushed my mouth over the corner of his. The result had been electric and it had taken everything in me to step away from him.
I’d driven back to Whidbey Island just as the sun had been rising over the mountains behind me and for the first time in the ten years since I’d lost Revay, I’d felt a few moments of peace. I’d gone back to the motel and slept for a couple of hours before gathering my things. My plan had been to return to the hospital only long enough to take care of the hospital bill, but when I’d spied a toy store on the way to the ferry dock, I hadn’t been able to curb the need to leave a little piece of myself behind with the little boy who’d reminded me what true strength was all about.
Matty’s smile as I’d entered his hospital room had turned me inside out and when he’d put out his arms expectantly, I’d hugged him and fought the sting of tears I’d felt burning the backs of my eyes. I’d only glanced at Seth once because the young man’s knowing eyes had me wanting to retreat in on myself. I’d had no doubt that he’d known what my plan for Tate was and I hadn’t wanted to risk the same look of censure in his eyes that I’d seen in Ronan’s that first day.
I’d listened as Matty had proudly explained how brave he’d been for all the tests and procedures that had been done on him and that he’d made a new friend named Susie, but my heart had nearly broken when he’d asked if I would spend the night like his daddy did. The doll I’d bought him had helped appease him when I’d explained that I had to leave for a while and I hadn’t lingered after that. Partly because I hated hurting the little boy who’d clearly grown fonder of me than he probably should have, considering the shitty way I’d treated him. But mostly because I hadn’t wanted to run into his father. My obsession with Tate was spiraling out of control and I’d been terrified that even being around him for the few seconds it would take to say my goodbyes would have had me wanting something more than I should.
Retribution (The Protectors, Book 3) Page 8
