“Is your bag in your car?”
I nodded and before I knew it, he was handing me his bottle of water. We were back by the front door and as I waited for him to return, I glanced back at the picture on the mantle in the living room. There was a TV in the room but the single armchair that wasn’t wrapped in plastic wasn’t pointed at the TV. It was facing the fireplace and the picture above it.
I ripped my eyes from the curious arrangement when I heard the screen door open. Hawke barely looked at me as he carried my bag past me and up the stairs. I followed him to the second floor, but he didn’t give me a tour. There were several closed doors that we passed until we reached the room at the end of the hallway. “It’s the only one with a big mattress,” Hawke murmured as he led me inside the sparsely furnished room.
There was a bed but no headboard and the bedding included a simple comforter and two pillows. A dresser and nightstand were the only other pieces of furniture in the room.
“Is this your room?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Hawke said as he went to put my bag on the bed. “I wasn’t expecting company,” he said as he tried to straighten the comforter.
“It’s fine,” I said quickly, though the idea of sleeping in the man’s bed sent a ridiculous thrill through me. “But I can’t just take your bed,” I added.
“I don’t need it tonight,” Hawke responded and then he was brushing past me, grabbing his water as he went.
“Where will you sleep?”
“I’ll be in the living room,” was all he said.
“Hawke,” I called before he completely left the room.
He stilled but didn’t respond. It was like he didn’t even want to look at me. I definitely hadn’t been right about him looking at me the same way I looked at him.
“You won’t leave, right?” I asked.
He didn’t answer me right away, but when he did, he finally turned my way. “No, I won’t leave. Get some sleep, Tate. We have a long drive ahead of us.”
Hawke closed the door and I took a deep breath and looked around the empty room. I went to grab my bag so I could search out my toothbrush, but when I saw the pillows lying at the head of the bed, I let my fingers trail over one of them before picking it up and putting it to my nose. It smelled like Hawke.
Fucking perfect.
* * *
“Tate, wake up.”
I’d never exactly been a morning guy, but having a heavy hand shaking me awake brought back a slew of memories, and I jerked away from Hawke and threw up my arm to protect my head before I could stop myself. Humiliation flooded through me as I realized what I’d done and I slowly lowered my arm to see that Hawke was watching me with an unreadable expression.
“Sorry,” I murmured.
“Ronan’s on the phone,” Hawke said as he held up his cell phone.
“Is it Matty?” I nearly shouted as I scrambled upright and grabbed for the phone.
Hawke gently put his hand on my shoulder to hold me back and quickly said, “Matty’s fine, Tate. He’s completely fine.”
I blew out a breath and pressed my hand to my thudding chest. “Thank God,” I whispered.
“Ronan just wanted to make sure you made it okay last night. He said you didn’t text him and you didn’t answer your phone.”
“Shit,” I said as I grabbed the phone off the nightstand. “I forgot to charge it last night. It’s dead,” I said as I held the phone up to show him.
“I have a charger in the car,” Hawke said. “Here, talk to Ronan.”
I took the phone from him and reassured Ronan I was fine and apologized for forgetting to let him know I’d made it. Hawke watched me for a moment before leaving the room and a glance to my left showed it was still dark outside. I listened as Ronan gave me a rundown on Matty’s final night of chemo. I pulled the phone away from my ear long enough to check the time and saw that it was only four in the morning so I knew Matty would still be asleep.
“How you holding up?” I heard Ronan ask.
“I’m good,” I said.
“And Hawke?”
I wanted to laugh at that. The man was so unreadable that I had no fucking clue how he was doing. “He didn’t ditch me, so I guess that’s a good sign,” I finally said.
Ronan chuckled. “I wish I could say he’ll warm up, but Hawke is…well, Hawke is Hawke.”
I smiled at that. “Thanks, Ronan. For everything.”
Ronan didn’t respond right away and for a second I thought he’d hung up on me without saying goodbye. “It’s a good feeling, isn’t it?” he finally said.
“What is?”
“Knowing you don’t have to do it alone anymore.”
I swallowed hard at that and managed to say “yeah” before my throat closed up with emotion. I’d suspected I’d found something in Seth and Ronan that I’d been needing for a long time, but to hear Ronan confirm it was nearly too much.
“I’m going to send some pictures to Hawke’s phone in a few minutes since yours is dead, okay?”
“Yeah, okay.”
“And I’ll have Matty call you as soon as he wakes up.”
“Okay,” I whispered as I dashed at a stray tear that fell. “Thanks.”
“We’ll talk soon, Tate. Take care and trust in Hawke…there’s no one better to have at your back.”
I managed to say goodbye and then climbed out of bed so that I wouldn’t keep Hawke waiting. It took me just a few minutes to get cleaned up in the bathroom and then I was hurrying down the stairs. I stopped in the living room to see if Hawke was in there, but it was empty. I was about to turn away when I noticed the mantle…the picture was gone.
“You ready?”
I turned to see Hawke standing near the front door. I nodded and handed him his phone but it beeped just as I was giving it to him. I saw that it was a picture from Ronan. “Can I?” I asked Hawke.
He nodded and unlocked the phone for me and gave it back so I could scroll through. I laughed as I realized what I was seeing. In the first picture, a dozen pieces of paper lined the wall of Matty’s hospital room. They all had multiple Tic Tac Toe games on them and on each page was a big “M” in the right hand corner and Matty was standing proudly next to them, a huge smile on his lips as he pointed to the pages. The next picture was of Seth standing in front of only one piece of paper with an “S” written on it. His over exaggerated pout was laughable as he pointed to his meager winnings. The very last picture was of Matty standing side by side with Seth, but this time Matty was wearing a paper crown that he’d clearly colored himself.
I laughed and didn’t resist when Hawke took the phone from me and scrolled through the pictures himself. A brief smile ghosted his lips, but when his gaze shifted to mine, his eyes went dark again and then he was turning away from me.
“We should get going,” he said.
I followed him out of the house and put my bag in the back of the pickup truck. He’d moved my rental car at some point so it was parked next to the garage. He said nothing as he climbed into the truck next to me and in fact, it was almost an hour before he said a word…and that was only to ask what fast food place I wanted to stop at for breakfast.
The drive to Lulling was well over twenty hours and by hour fourteen I was sure Hawke was a robot because he was showing no signs of fatigue and he’d ignored both my offers to take over driving for a while. We’d stopped only when we’d needed gas or food and I’d long ago given up on trying to draw him into conversation. I’d talked to Matty a few times throughout the day which helped pass some of the time because I always felt better afterwards, but as we drew closer and closer to Lulling, I could feel the tension overtaking my body.
We’d just crossed over the border into New Mexico when Hawke finally exited the Interstate and stopped at a small restaurant that was attached to a gas station. We ate in silence and then gassed up the car, but instead of getting back on the road, Hawke drove across the street to a small motel. Despite the early hour, I felt my eyes grow heavy
as I waited for Hawke to check in. Our room ended up being at the far end of the motel and I was thrilled to see that it was surprisingly modern for its small size and remote location. There were two queen beds in the room along with a flat screen TV sitting on top of a large dresser. Hawke chose the bed closer to the door, leaving me with the one near the bathroom.
“I’m going to shower,” Hawke said tersely. I was surprised by the anger in his voice and watched as he dumped his duffle bag on the bed and jerked it open. As he pulled out a couple of items of clothing, I went and sat on the other bed.
“Are you okay?” I ventured.
“Fine.”
I wanted to laugh because the way he barked the word said he was anything but fine, but all I could feel was the fear building in my gut. Because I’d been in this exact position more times than I could count…the calm before the storm. When would the explosion come? What words would I end up saying or what thing would I end up doing that would make him snap – that would have him lashing out at me with his voice and ultimately his fists?
“Did I do something?” I asked quietly, hoping like hell I could deflate Hawke’s anger.
Hawke stilled, but didn’t turn to face me. “No,” he finally said and even though the word was spoken quietly, his tone still simmered with agitation.
“Um, okay…I’m going to video chat with Matty.”
Hawke didn’t respond, but I did see him digging around in his bag and then he was turning to me and handing me his tablet. “Use this, the screen’s bigger,” was all he said before he grabbed his stuff from the bed and strode into the bathroom.
I waited until the water was running before calling Ronan from the tablet. Both he and Seth were with Matty and I could tell they were in the toy room with him. We spoke for only a few minutes since Matty was playing with his friend, Susie. Ronan assured me the final chemo treatment had gone well and that they would call me in the morning as soon as Matty was awake. I felt tears sting the backs of my eyes as Matty came back on the screen and told me he loved me. My fingers were shaking by the time I hung up and I stood up to put the tablet back in Hawke’s bag. But the sight of the back of the picture frame I’d seen sitting in Hawke’s house had me freezing. Before I could even consider what I was doing, I put the tablet down on the bed and reached for the picture. I already knew what I would see when I turned it over, but seeing it from a distance wasn’t the same as seeing it up close.
It was a candid shot of Hawke and the woman I had no doubt was his wife.
Revay.
The picture had been taken outside and I realized they were standing in front of the house in Wyoming because I could make out the porch just behind them. Hawke’s wife had been a beautiful woman with platinum blonde hair, flawless skin and bright blue eyes that were lit up with life and laughter. She was smiling at Hawke who had his arms around her. He was considerably taller than her and I couldn’t miss the fact that there were no burn scars on his face. They were stunningly beautiful together, but it was Hawke’s expression that held my gaze. He was looking down at Revay, his mouth open wide with laughter. He looked so young and happy and carefree that I reached my finger up to run it over his features as if I could somehow experience that moment with him. But just as my finger made contact, the picture was ripped from my grasp.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Hawke snapped.
I knew I needed to say something, but the reality was that I’d been caught red-handed. “I’m sorry,” I managed to say, though my fear kicked up to new heights as Hawke stared down at me. At some point while I’d been studying the picture, I’d sat down on the edge of my own bed so I felt even smaller as the bigger man towered above me, his fury written all over his features.
Hawke’s fingers dug into the picture and his other hand clenched into a tight fist that had veins bulging up and down his entire arm. He’d changed into a pair of athletic pants and a black T-shirt and his hair was still wet.
I shook my head, desperate to find the right thing to say. “I’m sorry, I saw the picture in your house and I was curious-”
“She’s not a part of this!” Hawke shouted. “Do you understand me?”
I didn’t. Not at all. His anger was over the top and I stood up so I could try to ease my way to the bathroom. If I just got out of his sight for a while…
“I didn’t mean to upset you-”
Before I could even finish, Hawke was closing the distance between us, the picture forgotten as he tossed it on top of his bag. I froze as he grabbed me by the upper arms, his hold bordering on painful. I expected him to yell at me or hit me, but all he did was hold me like that, his body seething with rage.
But his next words nearly stole my breath.
“I don’t want you,” he said in a gutted whisper.
I couldn’t even register what he meant until he gave me just the slightest shake and again said, “I don’t want you.” But even I heard the doubt in his voice and I realized the fury in his gaze wasn’t about me at all, or at least not about what I’d done.
I was at a complete loss to even comprehend what was happening. I’d been so sure that I’d only imagined that Hawke was feeling the same pull of desire that I was, but now as I watched him drawing in ragged breaths, his tormented eyes holding mine, I knew I’d been wrong. But whatever he was feeling wasn’t something he wanted to be feeling. At some point, his hold had loosened enough so that he could rub his thumbs back and forth over my skin and the effect was intoxicating. I could feel my own body tightening up with excitement and my adrenaline spiked as my need to escape him disintegrated. But I couldn’t ignore the naked pain in his gaze. As much as I wanted him, I knew he needed to make the next move and I would accept it, whatever it was.
“I know,” I said gently. “It’s okay, Hawke.”
I could see his body warring with his mind and I didn’t know which one had won the battle until his hands tightened on me. A sudden rush of air escaped his lungs, but instead of drawing me closer, he released me long enough to reach for the button on my jeans. My need grew to exponential proportions as he jerked the button free, dragged the zipper down and shoved my pants and underwear down in one quick move, his rough palms dragging over my skin. A split second later he spun me around and shoved me down on the bed. I got no reprieve as his hands closed over my hips and he yanked my ass up. His fingers bit into my skin as he split me open and a tremor of fear and excitement went through me when I felt moisture dribble onto my hole.
I closed my eyes as more of what I now realized was spit coated my opening. I had seconds to stop this because I knew what was coming. But I remained silent as I felt Hawke’s cock push between my cheeks. More spit hit my ass a second before the broad head of Hawke’s dick suddenly shoved inside of me without warning or finesse. Pain tore through me as my body tried to accept the intrusion, but there was no time to adjust as Hawke pulled back just a little before slamming his hips forward again. Tears stung my eyes as another wave of pain went through me, but I bit into my lip to stop myself from making any kind of sound.
To my surprise, Hawke suddenly stopped all together and when I looked over my shoulder at him, I saw him looking at where we were joined and I saw shame flash across his face. But I also saw something else. Need…raw and unbridled. He lifted his eyes to mine and when our gazes met, he opened his mouth like he wanted to say something. But he didn’t speak, he just stood there, his fingers digging into my hips, his cock pulsing in my ass. And he shook his head just slightly. Whatever internal struggle he was going through hurt me more than the physical pain that was still thrumming throughout my entire body and that was why I gave him a brief, but very clear nod. He didn’t move for several long seconds, but I didn’t miss the relief on his face. And then he drew back and slammed into me again, driving more of his cock inside of me.
Despite the fact that Hawke was hurting me, I wanted him…no, needed him. I should have been physically repulsed by what was happening to me, but in truth I craved it – knowi
ng Hawke needed me so badly. And it wasn’t just his rock hard cock buried deep inside me that told me that. It was in every frantic move as he pumped into me, in the way his fingers dug into my skin to keep me from moving. And it was in the way he folded his body over mine as soon as he’d bottomed out inside me. His skin burned mine with the intense heat his body was giving off and I could feel his breath sawing in and out of him because his lips were pressed against the back of my neck.
The pain began to recede somewhat as Hawke drove into me over and over, but it was when he wrapped his arm around my chest and closed his hand over the front of my shoulder that I felt my own body finally responding. His hold on me meant there was no space between us and I could both feel and hear every grunt and groan as he pummeled me with brutal thrusts. I knew everything was happening too fast and that I would have no way of catching up to Hawke, so I closed one of my hands over the arm he had wrapped around my chest and took in every sound, every feeling as he fucked me. And when he came just seconds later, I reveled in the way he shouted my name in my ear. Liquid heat burned my stinging channel as Hawke continued to thrust into me as he rode out his orgasm and when his weight forced me down on the bed, I groaned as his body pinned mine and I sank down flat on the bed. His body covered mine like a blanket and despite the need still rolling through my own body, I could have stayed like that for hours. But even as Hawke’s dick continued to pulse inside of me, he was pulling back and I stifled a moan as his thick length finally pulled free of my aching body.
Hawke dropped to his back beside me, but I didn’t turn to look at him. Because the pleasure I’d felt just moments ago had started to wane as I realized what I’d allowed to happen. I’d let him use me…and I’d taken pleasure in it. He’d admitted that he didn’t want me, but I’d been too desperate for a connection with him to care. I forced myself to get up and kept my eyes averted as I pulled up my jeans. I could feel Hawke’s semen dripping from my ass so I didn’t bother trying to search out my duffle bag as I stiffly walked to the bathroom. Every part of my body hurt as it started to come down from the high and I felt lightheaded as soon as I entered the bathroom so I leaned against the counter so I could get my bearings. After a couple of minutes, I managed to straighten and studied myself in the mirror. My skin was flushed with color, but there was no other evidence of what had just happened. I could feel it everywhere else though. I forced myself to back up and pull my shirt off. I started pushing my jeans down, but stopped when I saw the bruises on my hips. I ran my fingers over them in wonder.
Retribution (The Protectors, Book 3) Page 10
