by K. S. Adkins
I was truly becoming a sap.
Stretching her perfect body, I zero in on Finn’s toned stomach and the sexy sounds she emits while she finds consciousness. Sitting up, she gasps out, “Mackinac?”
Focusing on the fucking sewer grates holding us up I grunt, “Yeah.”
“How long was I out?”
“About four hours or so.”
“Shit. I’m sorry. Are you tired?”
“No.” And it’s true, I wasn’t. Since meeting Finn, sleep eluded me and I knew it was because I feared missing out.
“Do you think it’s safe to visit my mom while we’re here?”
“No.”
“Oh,” she says rubbing her eyes. “Then why are we here?”
“Because I would still really like to meet your mom.”
Placing her hand on my thigh and resting her head on my shoulder she says, “She will love you like I do.”
All thoughts of this as a bad idea went right out the window and straight into the extremely deep water below.
“Tell me where to go,” was my pussified answer because when it came to Finn, no wasn’t a word that applied.
I wanted to do, would do, whatever it took to make her happy.
About forty-five minutes later, we pulled into her mom’s driveway and after checking our surroundings, we exited the car together. Hand-in-hand we approached the wrap-around porch when a woman, who could be Finn’s twin, blew through the door to greet us. “Baby!” she screams running right for Finn.
“Mom!” Finn screams right back and while my nature demanded I step in front of any potential threat, I forced myself to stand down. Never releasing my hand, the women tackled each other, jumping up and down and kissing the hell out of the other’s face. Suddenly aware of my presence, her mom fixes her gaze on me and I froze. Jesus, she was just as frightening as her daughter.
“And you are?”
“Phoenix,” I say extending my hand.
Staring at it, she glances from Finn to me asking, “What does he want to me to with that?”
“I’m guessing he wants you to shake it but you’ll forgive him for the slight, Mom,” Finn winks at me.
I was lowering my arm when the woman launched herself at my body wrapping herself around it. Like mother like daughter… “You smell dangerous,” she says jokingly but I stiffened at her observation.
“We don’t have long, mom,” Finn presses. “Can you crawl off my boyfriend so we can go inside?”
Boyfriend…fuck, hearing that got me hard. And I hope her mom didn’t mind me boning her on the family couch. Following her inside, the women went into the kitchen while I checked the windows, doors and… “I’m not sure who or what you’re looking for Phoenix,” she says. “But, I’ve got two shot guns and an assault rifle I bought off a semi-reliable criminal. Trust me, you are both safe here.”
If she only knew… “Habit,” I shrug heading toward the kitchen where Finn was pouring us coffee.
Handing over a mug, Finn takes the seat next to mine when her mom says, “Are you expecting that trouble to break into my kitchen, Phoenix?”
“Mom—”
“I take protecting Finn seriously.”
“Uh huh,” she says eyeing me. “Finn is fully capable of protecting herself and both of you are live wires. That tells me there’s a story here. Lucky for you, I’ve got two good ears and the time.”
“I quit my job,” Finn says reaching for my hand.
“Okay,” she says easily and I saw no judgement in her eyes. Fuck, my woman hit the jackpot with her mom. “Why did you quit your job?”
“I was sick of Silas, which you already know.”
“He was an asshole,” she agrees readily.
“But what sealed the deal was Talon showing up after a year to blackmail me into getting his job back. He leaked a sex tape.”
Fuck, she just went right for it. I could never imagine saying sex in front of my mom let alone sex tape. “So, he blew through all his money and thought backing you into a corner was the way to go?” her mom sighs. “What’d I tell you? Prick. Now you’re free to do bigger and better things, baby.”
“I did do bigger and better,” Finn smiles at me. “I found him.”
“Speaking of him,” she settles on me. “What’s your story Mr. Dangerous?”
Instead of answering her right away, I started to sweat.
What was happening to me?
“What I loved most about your dad was his ability to be quiet,” mom was saying over coffee. “He didn't just listen, baby. He heard the unspoken, he was in tune with my heart’s desires. The day we heard your heart beat he didn't say a word. But it was there on his face for me to see. How much he loved his daughter and how much he loved me.” Although I never met him, I missed him just the same. Losing my dad damaged my mom far beyond an emotional level. It destroyed her on a molecular level.
Growing up raised by a single mother was all I knew and she never let me see her struggles, her sadness.
But as I got older I saw it, there were moments where I felt it too.
Phoenix was a killer, wired differently than most and he used his differences as a shield. Yet, he was unique, gentle when necessary and generally quiet. He listened, he observed. Which was why seeing him unsure of himself was fucking adorable. Granted, my mom was a force to be reckoned with, he wasn’t used to being grilled. He certainly wasn’t used to talking about himself either. I loved that about him. For a man who could take life with his bare hands, he was extraordinarily humble.
“He negotiates for a living,” I explain. “A referee of sorts.”
“A resolution specialist,” mom nods thinking on it. “I’ll buy that. But, what I won’t buy is that you aren’t dangerous.”
“Mom—”
“Deny it,” she dares Nix. “You think wearing that fedora shields you but I see it in your eyes and your hands.”
“I am dangerous,” he says calmly. “But, never to Finn.”
“I buy that too,” she says raising her cup. “What does Finn need protecting from? And before you lie to me, I can see you gearing up to kill something. The question is who? And why?”
“Mom is very open minded,” I explain.
“My past wants to steal my future,” he says while looking at me. “Our future. And I refuse to let that happen.”
“His boss wants him to come back,” I tread lightly.
“Go on.”
“Without attachments or distractions.”
“You are one helluva distraction, Finn,” she smiles proudly. “So, you give your boss the big fuck you and he threatens my daughter’s life to bring you to heel? How am I doing so far?”
Clearing his throat Nix says, “You are far too perceptive,” and I was pretty sure he was sweating.
“It’s a gift,” she shrugs.
“As her mother, you would be well within your rights to use your shotgun to blow a hole through my chest. The question is, why haven’t you?”
“Phoenix,” she says gently. “When you have children, worry is your constant companion. When you have a child like Finn, you make the decision to let that worry rule you or you can trust that she will come out on the other side. Finn is a fighter, a risk taker, she is her father’s daughter but, she is no fool. If she loves you, she does so with her whole heart. Because she loves like she lives. My daughter is all or nothing. She takes risks knowing the danger. That’s how I sleep at night. And that’s what keeps you awake.”
“I love her,” he says pulling me close. “I will kill for her, sacrifice my soul for her, but I need you to know that I tried to be selfless, I tried letting her go.”
“And how did that work out for you?”
Cupping my cheek, he whispers, “Really fucking well.”
“My daughter will do the same for you,” mom says standing. “If you’ll let her.”
Taking her mug to the sink, she was rinsing it when Nix looked at me and said, “Not if I can help it.”
M
inutes later, Nix excused himself to do a perimeter check leaving me alone with my mom. Side by side on the couch she was running her fingers through my hair when she says, “The thought of you in danger should terrify me, baby.”
“But?”
“But it doesn’t,” she says kissing my temple. “Because you have each other and because fate is at work here. That’s not to say I won’t worry, that I won’t pace the floors. We face danger every second of every day, however, to survive, we ignore the danger surrounding us. We do this so we can live. The two of you are staring danger in the face, taking it head on and I imagine for my daughter it’s the biggest thrill of her life to be able to do that with the man she loves.”
“It is, Mom.”
“Promise me something,” she says stilling.
“Okay.”
“Come back to me, Finn.”
It was the first time I have ever heard true fear in my mom’s voice but, it was the second promise I made that I was going to break.
“I will, Mom.”
“Your dad would be so proud of you,” she says squeezing me. “And Ryan would have loved Phoenix.”
“I hope so,” was my reply. Although, to be honest, it’s the first time since losing Ryan that the guilt wasn’t threatening to strangle me. Because Ryan would want Nix for me, I knew that down deep and that lessened the guilt some.
“Finn,” he says from the door. “It’s time.”
Helping me up, mom holds her arms open to Nix and without even a pause, he walked into them. Hugging him tight she says, “A phoenix is a long-lived bird that is regenerated and reborn. Each obtains new life by arising from the ashes of its predecessor. Now that you found my daughter I can see you’ve been reborn again. Take her,” she whispers to him. “And fly.”
“I will.”
“Farrah.”
“I will, Farrah.”
With Nix in her arms, she motions me over, making room for one more and says, “Together you’ll face the sun.”
Clutching her close, I look at Nix and both of our words went unspoken because it didn’t need to be said we were taking on the devil himself, and that the flames in hell were hot.
“I don't need to see the future to know you won't live a long life,” dad was yelling at me. “You can scrub your hands clean but that don't mean the blood is gone. You're covered in it. I can fucking smell it.”
“I see it on you too,” I yelled back. “Death is death!”
“I did it for my country!” he roars and that was my cue to walk away. Because we would never agree on this. To him, wearing a uniform made killing acceptable and any other way was wrong.
Finn’s mom saw us off with no tears or fanfare. According to Finn, Farrah was used to letting her daughter go.
With her tucked into my side while we blended in with the crowd in town, the idea of losing Finn was unfathomable. Holding her a little tighter, walking a little slower, I asked myself for the hundredth time if keeping her was the right decision. I wasn’t a Phoenix, not really.
I was a selfish man who took the easy way out by forfeiting any good I had in me. I’ve never burst into flames, coming back stronger and brighter than before. I've never been seared clean.
I was a killer with no light inside of me. Everything good and right resided in Finn. So no, I wasn’t a Phoenix. I was a thief. Stealing from the woman I love the very thing I could never give in return.
Peace.
Phoenix is just a name but, phony was who I truly am.
“You know what kind of adventure I like,” she says completely oblivious to my emotional tug of war. “But what kind of adventure do you like?”
Pulling her to a stop, I kiss her hard because I could. Because I needed to. At my silence she asks again, “Nix, what kind of adventure do you like?”
Turning her to face the store front I reply, “Well?”
Craning her neck to see me she asks, “Well what?”
“Let’s go inside.”
“To see a psychic? That’s your idea of adventure?”
“We’re currently touring an island with no cars, Finn. Besides, adventure can be whatever we want it to be. Even a psychic.”
“If she was all-knowing wouldn’t she already know we’re coming?”
And like some serious voodoo shit, the door opened with a woman motioning us to, “Come in.”
“I know how this movie ends,” Finn mumbles stepping over the threshold. Fearless as ever, this one.
The shop was small, smelled like Woodstock, and had three chairs. The lights had scarves over them and there was even a black cat sprawled out on the table who leaned into Finn’s touch but hissed at me.
“How much?” I ask the woman staring us down. Ignoring my presence, she takes Finn’s hand and shudders.
“Are you alright?” she asks quietly.
“There is no fear in you,” the woman says. “Only bright light.”
And before I could gauge Finn’s reaction, the woman grabbed my hand flipping it over. “You are full of fear.”
Stronger than she looked, the crazy bitch wouldn’t release my fucking hand announcing, “The darkness nearly consumed you.”
“Umm…” Finn hesitates.
“Until her,” she says focusing on Finn.
“Ma’am,” Finn tries. “You’re freaking me out right now.”
Zeroing in on me, the grip she had was so strong, I knew if she applied anymore pressure she’d break my bones. Getting up in my face she says, “You will fail.”
Gasping, Finn and I lock eyes, the woman releases us both but pointing at her she finishes with, “And you will die because of it.”
Without another word, the woman disappeared behind a curtain and I pulled Finn back outside.
Both of us were shaken, speechless and wondering what in the fuck just happened.
Finn was the first to shake it off but I couldn’t do it.
The woman confirmed my greatest fear.
That Finn would die for loving me.
Wanting the fuck off this creepy island, we boarded the first ferry back to civilization and I drove like the devil was on my ass. “What’s your hurry?” she asks clearly being the first to recover.
“We smell like horse shit and fudge,” I shiver.
“I visit enough I guess I’m immune,” she muses.
Suddenly she tenses and I ask, “What is it?”
“Were being followed.”
Her instincts were sharp so I would not be second guessing her word. Finding the first available empty lot, I pull in and explain, “His name is Loon.”
“One day you have to give me the story behind these bird names. For now though, what’s the plan?”
“You’re going to stay here while I talk to him.”
“Oh really?” she argues. “And if he wants to kill you? Then what?”
“If he wanted to kill us he’d have tried already.”
“As comforting and weird as that is, I’m going to ask why you believe this?”
“Because he knew we were visiting your mom.”
And because I knew someone was watching, I rushed Finn out the door eager to keep her mom safe and get us somewhere public while I regrouped. “So, he’s honorable?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Spit it out, Nix.”
“Loon loves his own mom very much,” I grate out feeling like shit for sharing his secrets. “Leaving her was difficult for him. He misses her.”
“That’s right,” she says sadly. “To be middle men you had to give up your previous lives and the people in it.”
“Finn…” I say watching him exit his car in the rear view.
“It’s pretty sweet actually.”
“Stay in the car.”
Saluting me and flicking me off at the same time, I kiss her once and fold out.
Prepared for his next move, I lean against the car allowing him to approach me. Fully armed, properly cautious and as usual, blanketed in misery, he opens with, “Phoen
ix.”
“Loon,” I nod in return.
“Is it true?”
“Is what true?”
“That you’ve taken a partner. A female partner. Word is, you plan to pick us all off one by one.”
“No.”
“No? Is that not her glaring at me from the passenger seat?”
“Yes, that’s her and yes, she is my partner but she’s my partner in all things. We do not have plans to pick anyone off. We are merely trying to survive and have had to defend ourselves from my own brothers. Nothing more.”
“I see.”
“Is she really glaring at you?”
“If looks could kill,” he grins subtly.
“She’s feisty,” I shrug. “Fearless to a fault.”
“You’re in love.”
“I am.”
“What’s it like?”
“Like being reborn.”
“I came to talk.”
“So talk.”
“She looks ready to skin me alive,” he says narrowing his eyes at her. “She’s very protective of you.”
“Finn is ballsy, brave and territorial,” I shrug casually. “I’m a lucky man.”
“You left out hot.”
“She’s that too.”
“Vulture wants her dead,” he says low. “I can help you.”
“Why would you help us?”
“You’re the first. The rules were made because of you so I’m hoping you can be the one to bring about change. Because I want to feel what you’re feeling right now.”
“And what am I feeling?”
“She’s within reach yet you are slowly dying because she isn’t next to you. I’m man enough to admit, I want that, Phoenix.”
“The others see it as a weakness but you don’t?”
“Fuck no,” he grunts. “You are stronger because of her, that’s what I see.”
