by Leddy Harper
I ran until I was back on my street, surrounded by familiar houses. Safe houses.
Our neighborhood was absolutely stunning, especially at this time of year. Every house adorned Christmas decorations, some more elaborate than others. Our house was, of course, decked out to the gills because it was Tony’s favorite holiday. Not only was it his favorite holiday but he got quite competitive about the entire process. Every year we added to our array of decorations and no expense was spared. He always hired a company to come out and put them up. But this year was different. Our house was still decked out in festive lights and decorations, but he didn’t add to what we had the previous year. He had been the one to put it all up, which had surprised me. I had never seen him do that before. It was yet one more thing that made me question our finances.
The festive lights twinkling from the surrounding roofs gave me peace inside. I was slightly out of breath from the run, but I was oddly calm. As I made my way to the front of my house, I took one more sweeping look around me; he was no longer there. His eyes were no longer on me. I was safe. For now.
After grabbing the mail from the box out front, I unlocked our door and the hint of pine from our Christmas tree in our living room hit my nose. I smiled in spite of myself. I was on my own tonight since Tony was at a late business meeting, which I had learned was code for fucking his mistress.
I flipped through the envelopes, surprised that several stated they were past due. I again began to wonder about our money situation but figured it was no use. Tony would never admit to anything. He would just make up an excuse that there must have been some kind of mix-up with the accounts.
I went to set the mail aside when my eye caught an envelope from Northcutt Insurance Agency. The envelope stated that there had been an urgent policy change. I hadn’t made any changes to our policy so Tony must have. I held the envelope in my hand as my mind raced with what the change could be. For some reason, the sight of the envelope made my stomach spin.
My inner voice told me to rip the envelope open, but I was unable to command my fingers in a way that they would listen. It was because of the consequences I would face with Tony if he found out I had opened his mail. How many times had he told me, and even beat into me, not to open his mail?
Then, it was as if a light bulb went off in my head. I got an idea. I could call them and just ask general questions. I was on the policy so they could share the information with me if I asked for it, right? I wasn’t completely sure but thought it was worth a try.
I looked the phone number up and then called the company. I wasn’t used to making these types of calls on my own, so I was completely nervous. I reached an automated system with a list of options and was getting so panicky I almost hung up. Then it announced to press the number four for policy questions and I felt relived in hopes that I would finally reach a live person.
“Northcutt Insurance, may I have your policy number please,” a woman’s voice announced.
My heart dropped. I didn’t have the policy number or anything. I could open the envelope to obtain the information I needed, but then Tony would know.
“I – I – I don’t have my, um, my policy number,” I stuttered out.
“No problem. I’ll be happy to assist you!” the woman answered cheerfully, making me wonder what on earth could make her so happy about selling insurance? “Do you have your social security number? I can look you up that way!” she announced with gusto.
“I do,” I replied and let out a nervous breath. I rattled off the number and waited a few seconds.
“I found you! Please verify your name.”
“Charlotte Paulette,” I replied pensively.
“And your address?”
I recited my address.
“Your mother’s maiden name?”
I provided that to her.
“I’m sorry, that doesn’t match the policy holder’s response. Could it be something different?”
I felt my heart pound in fear. I was so close! What name would Tony have given them? He would have never given me his mom’s maiden name. No way! I didn’t even know general details of his childhood or family. I tried to wrack my brain for something, anything, and then it hit me! His father hadn’t known about him. This was a trick question. Paulette was his mom’s name, not his father’s name.
“Paulette,” I replied uncertainly.
“Thank you. Wait just one moment while the computer loads your information.”
I felt elated as I gripped my phone. I had done it! And Tony would never be the wiser.
“Mrs. Paulette?” I heard from the phone.
“Yes, I’m still here,” I answered pensively.
“I have your policy in front of me, how can I help you?”
I stood still for a minute knowing that the information I found out was something I would never be able to undo. I also didn’t really know what information I was seeking. A policy change, but it could be something as little as a change in the payment due date. I chewed my bottom lip as I decided whether to continue. Then I mentally kicked myself into action. I needed to find out everything that was going on. Things weren’t adding up lately and I needed to find out why.
“Can you please tell me the recent changes that were made to our policy?” I finally asked with a newfound confidence. I needed to know, no matter what it was.
“Of course. It looks like your husband increased your policy to one million dollars. That’s quite a leap from the amount it was originally set at,” she rattled off matter-of-factly.
“Our policy was increased, but which one? The insurance for our home?” I asked, momentarily confused. Did he plan to burn the house down for money? I knew we might’ve been having money problems, but had they become that severe?
“Oh, no. Sorry! It’s the life insurance policy for you. In the event you die due to an accidental cause, Mr. Tony Paulette will receive one million dollars. Can I help you with anything else?”
I felt completely stunned. He wasn’t going to burn the house down. He was going to kill me instead. My hand started to shake as I thanked the woman and hung up without waiting for her response.
My first inclination was to call Sean, but then I decided it would be better to digest the information first. I had so many thoughts, worries, and questions floating around in my head. I needed to process it all before confiding in Sean about any of it.
I sat on the couch before my knees buckled. I couldn’t believe the devastating news that had been relayed to me so effortlessly like it was no big deal, just another policy increase. The woman on the other end of the phone line had no idea what it all meant, that my husband had found a way to get rid of me and solve his money problems in one fail swoop. That could have explained the man following me. Could have… but with Tony, nothing was certain.
I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and my eyes filled with tears. I blinked them away and thought of how I would need courage to get through this. The problem was that I had none. Courage wasn’t something that I possessed. I hadn’t had the chance to develop it throughout my life.
I knew about the gambling, but didn’t really think that Tony would have gone to these extremes. Then again, had I given it enough thought, I could have surmised that all on my own and not been taken by surprise from the insurance policy increase.
I finally decided to call Sean. I wanted the comfort his voice would give me. It was weird how the sound of a voice could calm me so much. I had a thousand questions without answers and it wasn’t doing me any good to keep asking them to myself over and over again. I knew I needed to talk to Sean about it, and hopefully he would make me see that I was being paranoid over the whole thing.
“Hey, you!” he said jovially, truly happy to hear from me. The comfort of his voice immediately made my eyes swim with tears again.
“Hi,” I said as I tried to brighten my voice so I wouldn’t alarm him. Nevertheless, he knew me too well. He was able to pick up on the smallest crack in my voice. I cou
ld never hide anything from him.
“What’s wrong?” he immediately switched to protective mode.
“I just found out some distressing news and needed to bounce what I found out off on someone. You know, to see if I was thinking along the right path.”
“Okay. I’ll just listen,” he promised. “Do you want me to come over?”
“No, don’t come over,” I rushed out. I didn’t know when Tony would come home. He had told me he wouldn’t be back until later, but he had been coming home at erratic times lately; it was to the point that I couldn’t trust what he said. Not that I ever had been able to.
“Then you had better tell me now because I’m getting worried and will be on my way over if you don’t spit it out,” he said gruffly. I could tell he was trying to be supportive of me but was having a hard time not rushing over to be my knight in shining armor. He was so good at that.
“I found out this evening that Tony has increased the policy for my life insurance,” I started.
“What’s so distressing about that?” he asked, clearly not thinking the same thing I was.
I should have let it go, should have gone with Sean’s reaction, but I didn’t. “When we were first married, he had taken out a policy for the both of us. With what he does for a living and the kinds of people he represents, he said he needed to make sure we were covered. The initial policy was for two hundred fifty thousand dollars each. It’s been that way for six years. And now, he’s upped my policy to a million. Not his, only mine.”
“I know why you’re upset about this, but he’s in the middle of that Nepson case. Maybe he’ll drop it back down once it’s all settled and over with. I’m not sticking up for him, and I do believe you have things to worry about when it comes to Tony, but I think this is nothing more than your fear getting the best of you.”
“We’ve been having money problems. I have a stack of mail of past due notices. The water was shut off the other day until he paid that bill and then they turned it back on. He doesn’t have any money coming in right now and the bills are piling up. If that wasn’t happening, I would think you’re right. But when I factor in the credit cards that have been cut off, the stacks of bills that are piling up… I can’t help but think he’s up to something.”
I heard him let out a loud sigh. The crushing reality had finally hit him.
“I just don’t know what to do,” I cried out. The tears finally flowed when the dam broke and they escaped my eyes. I had tried to stay calm, but my strength was flawed and cracked and couldn’t hold it together.
“Jesus,” he gasped. “I’m coming over. We’re going to pack you up and you’re coming to stay with me.”
“No, I can’t, Sean,” I whispered. “You know why. This will only intensify everything and make his behavior more erratic.”
“Please come away with me, Char. Please,” he begged me. This wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last.
“I wish I could…” I left the sentence open-ended because I hated saying no to him. It went against every fiber of my being. There was just so much he didn’t know. So much I neglected to tell him.
“I’ll talk to you later,” Sean answered me and I heard the click as he hung up the phone. He rarely hung up on me first, but when he did, I knew it was because of one reason. He hated having this fight with me as much as I hated having it with him. But it always came up. He wanted me to leave, and I had to stay.
I let out a sigh as I set my phone down and decided to fix some dinner.
Sean was getting less and less patient with me as the days went on. I had a feeling that he would be giving up on me soon if I didn’t leave with him as he asked. He just couldn’t see that it wasn’t so cut and dry. I couldn’t just pack a bag and leave. I only wished Sean could see that. If only he understood…
No one understood the inner turmoil that tormented my soul.
If I left Tony, he would kill me.
And now it seems that if I stayed with Tony, he would kill me.
It seemed like a win-win for Tony. So what was it for me? A lose-lose situation? That sounded about right.
December 12th, 2014
Tony had just called and said he was on his way home. I hadn’t answered the phone; I had let it go to voicemail. Now I was anxiously awaiting his arrival. How would he act? What would he do? Probably the same old stuff, but for some reason I hoped it would be different this time. I didn’t want him back, but I knew he didn’t have a choice. When he was the one to make the decision to leave, he made the decision to come back. Not the other way around. I never had any say so in it.
Tony and I had been apart for two weeks. We had a fight over Thanksgiving and he had packed up and left. Just like that. We fought and he left. I didn’t complain. I just let him leave. It was what I had wanted. Although, I had spent two weeks in fear of when he would return. I should have left when he did, Sean had asked me numerous times to do that very thing, but I didn’t. I knew that would only make things worse in the end.
He usually came back if not right away, within one or two nights at the latest. I knew he probably just hid out at his mistress’ house, which didn’t make things any better.
Part of me wondered if he had provoked me on purpose just so that he could have a two-week break without letting me in on his secret. What the secret was, I didn’t have a clue. I just had a feeling that he was up to something. Maybe he and his mistress went on a vacation together? Who knows. Did I care? Maybe a little.
I heard the engine of his prized sports car purr beyond the front door and froze. This was it. I ran to the front of the house and met him outside, closing the door behind me. I knew I was safer to have this conversation in front of the neighborhood instead of allowing him in first.
“What are you doing, Tony?” I asked with a slight irritation in my voice.
“I told you, I’m coming home.” He pulled his black duffel bag from the tiny truck and tried to walk past me.
I wouldn’t allow it and stepped in front of him, blocking his way. “No. We’re going to talk before you go inside. You left, remember? You don’t get to come and go as you please. I am your wife. You owe me an explanation.” I wasn’t sure where the backbone had come from but it felt good.
He leveled his eyes on me and smiled. It wasn’t an evil smile; it kind of looked like an apologetic smile, but I wouldn’t really know for sure… I had never really seen one of those on his lips before.
“Tony…”
He finally stopped, let his bag fall to the ground, and put his hands in his pockets. “I know, Char. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that. I’ve been really stressed out lately over this whole trial and I haven’t handled myself very well. But I’ll make it up to you.”
“If you come back I’m leaving,” I said defiantly. “Just so you know. I’m not living here with you any longer.”
He huffed and looked at the driveway between our feet. He studied it for a minute before finally speaking. “That’s fair. But can you please hear me out?” He stared at me and waited for something from me, although I never gave him anything other than an eye roll. “Can you just stay until the trial is over? If you let me come back, and stay with me, I’ll give you a divorce once the trial ends. But I need to be here until then. I need to be with you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I got into some trouble while I was gone. Without money coming in, I decided to go gambling. That’s where I was. I was doing really good, Char, but then I lost it all. And because of that, I need to be here. I also need to maintain normalcy in my personal life due to the press this case is receiving.”
“I don’t know why you took that fucking case!” I put my hands in fists at my sides, trying to control my anger. I hated the position he was putting me in. I hated it even more that he was making it seem like this was my decision. It wasn’t. He didn’t fool me for a second. He was still controlling everything, I wouldn’t fall for his I need you speech. “You cannot move back
in here.” I stood my ground.
He was biting his lip and his face was now flushed with anger. He was pissed that I wasn’t allowing him to slip back easily into our home and his role as husband. I could tell I was getting to him but we were in the driveway in front of our home. There were witnesses. He couldn’t do anything.
I stuck my chin out and refused to move.
“Listen, Char,” he began.
I could tell he was speaking through gritted teeth, the anger getting harder and harder to hold at bay.
“You have to let me back in the house.”
I searched his face, trying to see if I could tell if he was lying. “If I do, you’ll let me file for divorce once the trial is over?” I asked again.
“Yes, Char. For the love of Christ, please!” he huffed. It was completely evident that he was done with the conversation. But I wasn’t.
“I want it in writing,” I stood my ground.
“You want what in writing?” He spoke softly and looked me straight in the eyes.
“I want you to put that you will divorce me once the trial is over and that you’ll let me leave,” I said quietly. I studied his handsome face and knew why I had fallen in love with him so easily. His bone structure was angular and chiseled, making him look manly and devastatingly handsome. He attracted attention wherever we went. He knew how good looking he was and used it to his advantage every chance he got.
“Done,” he said with finality and started to walk toward the house.
“And…” I said, halting him in his steps. “I want a pet.”
He sighed loudly. “You may have a goldfish.”
“No, Tony. I want a real pet with fur,” I responded and held my breath.
“No. I can’t do it. I cannot allow you to bring a disgusting and filthy animal in my home.”
“It’s my home, too!”
