The Crafty Teddy

by John J. Lamb

  “Oh Lord, am I going to be arrested?”

  “No, you weren’t aware that you were breaking the law.”

  “But what about the money? I don’t have it to give back.”

  “I don’t think that’s going to be a problem. Let’s not worry about it now,” said Tina.

  Ash patted Holly’s shoulder. “What about our bear? Do you still have it?”

  “Yes! I have it in my bedroom closet. Neil wanted it back, but I still needed to use it for making the replicas.” Holly nodded in the direction of the bear Tina was holding. “Those are the only two copies of yours I’d ever made. Can I get it for you?”

  “Please.”

  We filed down the hallway into Holly’s tiny and cramped bedroom. She slid the mirrored closet door open, pulled the Farnell Alpha bear from the top shelf, and handed it to Ash.

  As my wife hugged the bear that represented twenty years of happy marriage, I said, “Holly, I’m truly sorry for snarling at you. I jumped the gun and hurt a friend. I’ll understand if you don’t want anything more to do with me, but I want you to know that you’re always welcome in our home.”

  Holly looked at Ash and said, “That’s all right. I can see why you were so upset and I’d really like to stay a member of the teddy bear guild.”

  I reached out to shake her hand. “I’m glad to hear you say that. Can you answer just one more question for me?”

  “I’ll try.”

  “What brand of cigarettes does Neil smoke?”

  “Winston Lights.”

  “They’re the kind with the white filter tip, right?”

  Holly’s eyes shifted upward as she tried to recall. “I can’t remember, but—oh, I know! Come with me.”

  We went outside and walked around the side of the trailer.

  As she stooped to pick up a white cigarette butt, she said, “He isn’t allowed to smoke in the house, but sometimes he does out here.”

  The filter had WINSTON inscribed on it in miniscule letters and was identical to the one we’d recovered from the museum.

  Twenty-one

  Five minutes later, we were driving southbound on U.S. 340 through the verdant farmland again. This time our destination was the village of Port Republic and Neil Gage’s house. At first glance, Port Republic has a strange name, when you consider that it’s a stone’s throw from the Blue Ridge Mountains and a couple of hundred miles from the Atlantic Ocean. But it derives from the town’s origins as a Shenandoah River anchorage during the pioneer era.

  The museum curator was now a “person of interest” in a homicide investigation, so Tina radioed for a backup unit. However, the dispatcher told her that both on-duty deputies were tied up with other calls and there was no idea of when they’d be available.

  “Tell them to clear ASAP and start rolling in our direction,” said Tina, giving the dispatcher Gage’s address. Slipping the microphone into the metal dashboard clip, she said to us, “I don’t like waiting.”

  “Me either,” I said. “Because you know sooner or later he’s going to call Holly and, even though she promised not to, she’s going to give him an earful. Then he’ll be in the wind.”

  “But if he is a possible murder suspect, I don’t want to expose you guys to danger.”

  I turned around to look at Ash in the back seat. “Hey honey, you want to chicken out and let Tina go there alone?”

  “Not happening,” said Ash.

  “Agreed. Besides, if he’s there, it means he hasn’t tumbled to the fact he’s in trouble. He’ll probably assume we’re just collecting more background information on Merrit.”

  “I hope you’re right,” said Tina. “So, could the suspect vehicle from your burglary have been a Trooper?”

  “Like Gage’s? I can’t say for sure. For that matter, it might even have been the Explorer driven by the bearded guy. It was dark and a long way off.”

  “But remember, you said the left taillight had a hole in it,” said Ash, from the back seat.

  I shifted in my seat to look back at her. “You’re right. We can check that out when we get to his house.”

  “But what I don’t understand is how Gage could have known about that Farnell bear. He’s never been inside our house.”

  “Which is something else we’ll have to ask him. Oh, and thanks to both of you for saving the day back there. I almost screwed the pooch.”

  “Brad! You know how I hate that expression,” said Ash.

  “Sorry, made love to the pooch.”

  Tina rolled her eyes. “Getting back to police work, any thoughts on how to handle the interview with Gage?”

  “Depends. How quickly do you want to arrest him?”

  “I’d like to see what he has to say first.”

  “Then I’d start by talking about the counterfeit bears, but do it in such a way that he can blame any crimes on Merrit.”

  “And then I ram the lies down his throat and get the real truth.”

  “Gosh, that sounds kind of harsh. Who are you and what have you done with nice Sheriff Tina?”

  Keeping her eyes on the road, Tina said, “Sheriff Tina has just been paying attention to how her consultant legally intimidates people to get the truth.”

  “Gee, you make me sound like a bully. I won’t sleep a wink tonight.”

  Tina turned west onto Port Republic Road and followed a curving course through the small community. After another mile or so, she turned right onto Carrsbrook Dairy Road, a narrow lane that took us through a small grove and around the base of a gentle grassy hill. A tidy white Cape Cod–style house stood near the top of the hill and there was a blue Isuzu Trooper parked outside with its back snug against an aluminum shed. Tina drove up the gravel driveway to the house.

  As we approached the home, Tina observed, “Well, he did mow recently. You can see the lines of dead grass.”

  “But not necessarily on Saturday morning. Otherwise, he’d have had grass all over his legs,” I said.

  Neil Gage emerged from the house and stood on the sidewalk leading to the driveway. He wasn’t wearing his ball cap and I saw that he’d grown his hair long in the back and on the sides to compensate for the lack of it on the top of his head. He was wearing denim shorts and a lime green T-shirt with a breast pocket that was puffed out in the rectangular shape of a cigarette package. We’d obviously caught Neil at suppertime. He had a can of Coors Lite beer in one hand and a fried chicken leg wrapped in a greasy paper towel in the other.

  We got out of the cruiser and Tina said, “Hi, Mr. Gage. How are you this afternoon?”

  “Fine, I guess. Have you caught Frank’s killer yet?” He took a swallow of Colorado Kool-Aid.

  “We think we’re making progress. I wondered if you could help us by answering a few questions?”

  Gage wiped his lips with his fingers. “I don’t know how I can help, but I’ll try.”

  “That’d be great,” said Tina, and I was impressed with how utterly clueless she sounded. “Now, I’m going to tell you something that no one else knows but us, but I need your promise not to say anything to anybody, okay?”

  “Of course.”

  “We discovered something pretty shocking at the museum. It looks like someone has sold some of the display pieces, like the teddy bears and a quilt, and replaced them with top-quality fakes. Did you notice anything suspicious like that while you were working there?”

  Gage took a bite from the chicken leg. “Nope, I don’t know anything about that.”

  “That’s interesting. I would have thought that with you and Frank working so closely together, you might have some idea of how that fraud happened.”

  “Sorry, I can’t help, Sheriff.”

  Obviously, Gage wasn’t going to take the bait to implicate Merrit, so Tina casually said, “I’m kind of surprised to hear you say that, considering we just came from Holly Reuss’s house.”

  “Is that so?” Gage bent his head back to take a gulp of beer.

  “Yeah, that’s so. How would you
like to tell us about the counterfeit bears?”

  Suddenly, Gage tossed the can and the chicken leg aside as he spun around and began to run down the hill. Tina took off after him and, before I could say otherwise, Ash was also sprinting after the fleeing felon. Meanwhile, I stumped along in slow motion pursuit like a golf cart in a NASCAR race. Tina overtook Gage after about thirty yards and delivered a violent forearm blow to his back, knocking the man to the lawn. Then she and Ash jumped on the guy and started wrestling with him. By the time I got there, Gage was in handcuffs and being pulled to his feet. I was also relieved to see that Ash looked no worse for the wear and, indeed, was wearing a huge smile of triumph.

  Spitting out dried grass, Gage shouted, “What am I under arrest for?”

  “Grand larceny, fraud, impeding a police investigation, and maybe murder before we’re done,” said Tina as she pulled him up the hill toward the patrol car.

  “You’re breaking my frigging arm!”

  “Then stop struggling, you moron.”

  I said, “So, now would you like to tell us about those counterfeit bears? And while you’re at it, you can also explain why you were at the museum on the morning Merrit was killed.”

  “Screw you! I want my lawyer!” Gage gave me a poisonous glare.

  “Lawyers are good. But shifting the blame for a murder onto your partner in the black Explorer is better,” I said, hoping to tempt him into changing his mind about answering our questions. “Why should you be the only one to take the fall?”

  “I’ve got nothing to say. I want my lawyer. These handcuffs are too tight!”

  “I guess that also means you won’t give us permission to search your house, property, and vehicle, right?”

  “No, you can’t search and I want my lawyer.”

  “That’s fine. It won’t be any problem getting a search warrant.” I reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a half-crushed package of Winston Lights. “Fortunately, we don’t need a warrant to collect these.”

  “My cigarettes? What, are you too cheap to buy your own?”

  “No, these are evidence. You see, you’ve got a nasty habit of tossing butts and we recovered one of them from the flowerbed at the museum on Saturday morning.”

  “Lots of people smoke that brand.”

  “Yeah, but lots of people won’t have your DNA signature. That cigarette filter will have your saliva on it.”

  “So what? I work there. I might have tossed it on the ground any time.”

  “Maybe. But do you remember telling me that you went to the museum on Friday night to pick up trash?” I took my sunglasses off so that I could lock eyes with him. “If Frank Merrit paid as close attention to the yard as you said, I can’t imagine you left a cigarette butt in the flowerbed that night.”

  “I never said that.”

  “Considering we can prove you’re a world-class liar, I think a jury will buy my version of our conversation.”

  “I want my lawyer.”

  “The best defense attorney in the universe can’t change your genetic fingerprint on that cigarette butt.”

  “You’ve got nothing on me.” Gage jutted his chin out defiantly and barked an unsavory laugh. “Just wait ’til court. My lawyer will make that fat loser Holly look so stupid, nobody will ever believe her.”

  “Hey, you do realize you have the right to remain silent?” I placed myself directly in Gage’s path, so that Tina and Ash had to stop.

  “Yeah.”

  Tossing my cane on the ground, I chucked him gently under the chin. “Then I’d begin exercising that right immediately. Otherwise I’ll have Sheriff Barron take your handcuffs off, so that it’s a fair fight, and I’ll cheerfully do the jail time for smacking the living crap out of you.”

  “He’s threatening me!”

  “Oh, shut up and get in the car.” Tina pulled the cruiser’s back door open and pushed Gage inside. Slamming the door closed, she turned to exchange a high five with Ash. “Thanks for the backup. You can come and be one of my deputies any day.”

  “Thanks, but I think I’m a little old for that,” said Ash.

  “Not from what I just saw, and heck, you aren’t that much older than me.”

  “Well…I still have to give it a lot of thought.” Ash gave me a nervous look.

  Tina saw the stunned expression on my face and said, “Haven’t you talked to him about it?”

  “No, we’ve been so busy, I haven’t had the chance,” said Ash.

  I was shocked and—I’ll admit it—a little stung to learn of my wife’s secret interest in law enforcement this way. She’d never given me so much as a hint that she wanted to be a cop and, trying to be rational, I understood why. Ash knew how much I missed police work and was concerned that I’d be miserable in the role of bystander. At the same time, I wanted her to be fulfilled and happy, particularly since she’d chosen to turn her back on a professional career when she became my wife. Ash was intelligent, brave, honest, had a sense of humor, and was level-headed, all the ingredients for a successful cop. So, although I was frightened at the thought of losing her to someone who might shoot straighter than the guy who’d popped me, I had no right to stand in the way of something she might want to do.

  Stooping to pick up my cane, I said, “Honey, if it’s what you want, I’ll do everything in my power to help you.”

  “I just want to explore my options. Maybe I could become an auxiliary deputy.”

  I put on a brave face and took her hand. “Whatever you want, we’ll make it happen. It’s a fun job and if you decide to do it, you’ll be great. But right now, I think Tina needs to check Gage’s house for other suspects.”

  Tina said, “But he told us we couldn’t search his house.”

  “Yeah! Stay out of my house!” Gage’s voice was muffled as he screamed from inside the cruiser.

  I said, “But we have a right to make a quick cursory search for officer safety to ensure there aren’t any other suspects in there. Remember, we still have one crook and at least one gun outstanding.” I reminded them, thinking of the break-in at our house and the shot fired at me.

  “That’s true.”

  “And when you’re done, you can get a deputy out here to freeze the scene, and we’ll get a search warrant.”

  “Can you watch this idiot while I check the house?” Tina jerked her head in Gage’s direction.

  “We’d be happy to keep him company.”

  Tina opted on the side of caution and pulled her pistol as she mounted the porch steps. Opening the door, she shouted, “Sheriff’s Office! If there’s anybody inside, come out now!”

  Receiving no answer, she slipped inside, holding her gun in a two-handed grip. Ash and I watched the silent house, our anxiety building with every passing minute. It was a small home and it seemed to be taking her far too long to complete the search. I was on the verge of grabbing the 12-gauge shotgun from the cruiser and going inside to check on her, when Tina came out the front door with her gun holstered. She looked pleased.

  She said, “The house is clear of other suspects, but not teddy bears. There were two of them on the table. Talk about careless.”

  “Maybe they were his escape claws,” I suggested in an innocent tone. Both women groaned and I said, “Before we forget, we need to check the taillights of idiot’s SUV.”

  “I heard that! I’m not an idiot!” shouted Neil.

  I turned to yell, “You’re right, because freaking Knucklehead Smith had more brains than you.”

  “Who’s Knucklehead Smith?” asked Tina.

  “He was one of Paul Winchell’s ventriloquist dummies from back in the sixties…and I just really dated myself.”

  Ash went to check the back of the Trooper. “Both taillights are fine.”

  “I realize it might be hard to tell, but does the lamp cover on the left look like it might be new?”

  “No, it’s kind of scratched and it matches the one on the right side.”

  “So, it must have been the gu
y in the Explorer who took the shot at you,” Tina said.

  “If so, let’s hope he hasn’t gotten the damn thing fixed in the meantime,” I said.

  A deputy arrived a few minutes later and after a short briefing from Tina, he assumed control of the scene until we could return with a search warrant. However, the first order of business was taking Gage to jail. Getting into the car, Ash and I switched places. She sat in the front seat while I rode in back with the sullen prisoner.

  I said, “Hi, Neil. Let’s be earth friendly and carpool to the county slammer.”

  “I asked for a lawyer. That means you can’t talk to me.”

  “Actually, that isn’t true. But rather than get into a boring discussion about the nuances of Miranda versus Arizona, let me offer you some advice.”

  “I don’t need your friggin’ advice.”

  “I’m just as happy calling it a warning. When you’re booked into jail, you’re going to be allowed to make two telephone calls. Now, there are two people I’d strongly suggest you don’t try to communicate with.”

  Gage turned to look out the window, ignoring me.

  “First, don’t call Holly and don’t think you’re being clever by having somebody else call to threaten her. You’ve already done enough harm there,” I said. “Besides, intimidating a witness is a felony and judges generally like to make an example of people who do it.”

  “Fine. I’ve got nothing to say to that backstabbing cow anyway.” Gage kept his eyes on the passing scenery.

  “Yeah, she’s a real Lucretia Borgia, that one. Now, the other person you shouldn’t call is your partner with the ZZ Top beard.”

  Gage turned to give me a contemptuous look. “Oh yeah? Why?”

  “Because the minute he learns you’re in jail, he’ll sky out of here so fast we’ll all be able to hear the sonic boom. And you know what that means, don’t you?”

  “You have all the answers. You tell me.”

  “Jesus, are you that stupid?” I gave him a wintry smile. “If he escapes, you get charged as the primary player in Merrit’s murder. Silence isn’t just golden for you; it’ll keep you off death row.”