The first rays of the sun had not yet lit the horizon, the sky was clear, and the stars a great swath of brightness across the heavens. To the north, the big dipper hung upside down, as if to quickly pour out the final drops of milk before the sun could rise. She must get out of sight of the house in case Joe or Ronda were up early. There were no lights on yet, and since this was an off Sunday, the coast should be clear.
With confidence she crossed the driveway and opened the gate into the pasture. She was briefly startled when Moonbeam came up at a run. He appeared like a ghostly specter against the eastern sky, great puffs of steam coming from his nostrils. She drew in her breath and laughed, the sound rising into the morning air.
“Good morning!” she greeted him as he skidded to a halt. Knowingly she added, “No oats yet, old boy. I’m just out on a walk.”
He dropped his head and followed behind her as if he were her shadow. The soft crunch of his heavy hoofs on the snow supplied her with welcome company from a world less troubled than hers. Did God make animals to show humans how simply life could be lived? Yet how was she to live like that? She wasn’t an animal. She was human—very human.
She stood and gazed around her for a while, letting the peacefulness sink into her soul. She again lifted her heart to God and waited. The words that came to mind were just a whispered, “Trust Me,” to which she could only whisper back, “Thank You.” The cold soon sunk in past her coat and bulky head scarf. Ella patted Moonbeam on the nose.
“I’m going back inside now,” she announced. He followed her to the gate, standing with his head slung over it while she walked across the driveway.
At the top of the basement steps she turned for one last look to the east. The sun’s rays lit up the horizon, the soft glow warming her heart.
As Ella went down the steps she could hear Joe and Ronda stirring in the house above. Quietly she entered her basement home and made her breakfast. As she sat at the table to eat, she noticed Joe and Ronda’s buggy drive out the lane—apparently off to visit someone.
With nothing planned, Ella turned to her book and was soon engrossed in the progress of Pilgrim. At noon, she barely stopped to fix a sandwich and was still reading when Joe and Ronda returned sometime after four. She heard Ronda’s steps coming down the basement stairs and glanced up with a sheepish look.
“You’ve been here by yourself all day?” Ronda asked as she came in.
“Yah,” Ella said. “I enjoyed it.”
“Well, too much quiet isn’t good for you. You have to come for supper.”
Ella laid the book aside. “Only if I can come up and help get it ready.”
“It’s already done,” Ronda said. “Will you come at five thirty?”
“You’re going to spoil me.”
Ronda smiled and disappeared up the stairs.
Ella picked up her book and returned to Christian’s journey, now in the middle of the Land of Beulah where he was given a glimpse of the Celestial City. By the time of the crossing of the river, the clock showed five twenty. She didn’t want to get into the middle of what couldn’t be finished, so with a piece of paper she marked the book and went upstairs.
Joe was in his rocker, absorbed in a farm magazine.
“So where did you go today?” Ella asked Ronda, who was standing at the kitchen counter.
“We visited Joe’s parents.”
“That’s gut. Anything I can do to help?” Ella asked.
“No, sit down,” Ronda said. “We serve you tonight.”
Ella obeyed and Ronda joined her, bringing the last dish to the table. Joe sat down and they bowed their heads for prayer. They began eating, the meal passing quickly. Ella stayed to help wash the dishes, and Ronda didn’t protest.
“Joe wants a farm someday,” Ronda said quietly, her hands deep in soap suds.
Ella brought the last of the dishes from the table. “Any prospects?”
“No, but if nothing turns up, do you think we’ll be able to stay here until next summer?”
“I think so,” Ella said. “I just don’t know what’s going to happen. Ivan is convinced he faces excommunication and that means there will be no wedding.”
“I know,” Ronda said in sympathy. “I’ve heard the talk going around. It does leave a lot of uncertainty for all of us—you especially.”
“We just have to live with it, I suppose.”
“That’s all? Just live with it?” Ronda said. “You don’t seem particularly upset about it.”
“I guess I’m learning that getting upset doesn’t do any good. It just results in headaches. Now I’m going to try to let Da Hah handle things and not worry so much. It’s out of my hands, really.”
“I can understand that. I can’t imagine what you’re facing. And you’re a much better person than I am.”
“Don’t say that,” Ella said. “I’m no better than anyone else.”
The two worked quietly on the dishes and finished a few minutes later. Ella thanked Ronda for supper and said goodnight to Joe.
He nodded, glancing up briefly to smile at her.
Back in the basement, Ella picked up her book again and continued to read. Christian soon crossed over the dark River of Death, arriving safely on the other side. Ella got to her feet and stretched. Somehow the story had given her renewed confidence in Da Hah. She felt tired even though it had been a day of rest. Another good night’s rest would be just the ticket.
Ivan arrived with the girls a little after seven. She met him at the top of the steps, and took baby Barbara from his arms. He looked better than he had on Friday—almost rested.
“Do you want to come inside?” she asked.
He hesitated, seeming to search for words.
She persisted. “Ivan, I really need to speak with you.”
He nodded, apprehension crossing his face.
“Sit,” she said, once they were inside.
“You don’t have to say anything,” he said, taking a seat on the couch.
“Yah,” she said, sitting down beside him, “I do.”
Was there any way to reach this man? He seemed so distant, so lost. How had the great Preacher Stutzman fallen so far? It was beyond her, yet she could try.
He looked at her, his eyes narrowed.
“Ivan, there must be a way for you to straighten this out with Bishop Miller. Apologize for going in the Baptist church. It was wrong. How many times have you preached about the world and its temptations? You could never be happy in a Baptist church. How could you be?” She touched his hand, running her fingers slowly along his arm.
Ivan didn’t move.
“Can’t you see that? For the girls’ sake, if nothing else? If you don’t repent, we can’t marry.”
“You would marry me if I’m not excommunicated?”
She met his eyes, allowing him to look as long as he wished.
Finally convinced, he looked toward the window.
“Ivan, it might be the best either of us can make out of this mess of our lives. But you must repent of what you have done.”
He looked back at her. “You deserve better than marrying me. It’s not right.”
“Not right? Why? Is not love offered for the better of the other always holy?”
“Perhaps,” he said. “But this has always been more one-sided than anything else. You know that. The love you would give me is sincere, but it’s a love of convenience. You deserve more than that. You don’t love me the way you will some other man. The kind of man you deserve.”
“You are a gut man,” she said. “Please don’t let this destroy you.”
“I won’t.” He smiled weakly. “It might make me a better man.”
“Excommunication?”
“I don’t know,” he sighed. “I can only hope so.”
“Can’t you come back…from where you’ve gone?”
“You are a great woman. As wonderful as Lois,” he admitted, touching her face. “But no, Ella, I don’t believe I can.”
“Then
what will happen?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “But one thing I do know is that you are now free of me forever.”
Ella’s shock was evident. For a moment she found no words. “Ivan, are you sure?”
“Yah,” he said. He stood and put on his hat and turned for the door.
Ella remained on the couch and heard the latch click softly behind him. Emotions she couldn’t identify roiled in her heart. Should she have not spoken up this way? Had she made matters worse by driving Ivan away from her?
“We had breakfast,” Sarah said, coming to stand quietly beside her.
“I’m glad,” Ella whispered, stroking Sarah’s hair back from her face. She had almost forgotten the girls in their quietness.
Ivan’s voice played in her mind: You are now free. Was she really? Did she dare to be free? What about the girls? One answer gained seemed to beget more questions. Ella sighed and hugged Sarah before getting up. There was work to do, and work usually made things better…didn’t it?
Thirty-four
As the week unfolded, Ella’s emotions became a seesaw as she wondered each day if this would be the morning Robert would return for his German lesson. She was surprised at how eager she was to see him again. Was it Ivan’s words that released her to love another? She had not heard from Eli, but that was surely a good sign. If Eli turned up something bad, he would have reported it to her quickly. Each day without Eli pulling in the lane was a good day.
Even Ella’s feelings toward Bishop Miller softened. After all, hadn’t Ivan himself said that his troubles were of his own making? And what of the Englisha woman who was reportedly seen with Ivan? Had Ivan lied to her about that? Was there a reason for his deception?
The hardest thing to bear was that now she would surely lose the girls. When that realization struck her on Thursday, she gathered Mary and Sarah on the couch along with baby Barbara and hugged them all hard. Mary and Sarah stared at Ella, puzzled by her sudden show of affection. Ella did well to hide the tears gathering in her heart.
Shortly after ten o’clock that morning, the girls were on the couch with Mary pretending to read to Sarah. Ella smiled at Mary’s inventiveness in coming up with words that matched the pictures on the pages. She looked up suddenly from her quilting when the sound of a buggy could be heard coming up the drive. She knew at once that it was Robert. It was all she could do not to race outside and meet him at the top of the basement steps. Such a display would be inappropriate and out of character, so she merely headed to the door to open it.
“Robert’s come for his lesson,” she told the girls.
Mary and Sarah both looked at her with blank faces.
“Robert?” Mary asked.
“Yes,” Ella said. “Do you remember? The man I’m teaching German.”
Mary’s face brightened. “Oh now I remember!” she said. Sarah nodded.
Ella waited, her heart racing. She felt like a house with all the windows and doors open to bring in the summer breeze.
“Hello!” she said as she opened the door for him.
“Good morning,” he said, tilting his head slightly. “What is the lovely Amish maiden up to this morning? Does she have time for a reforming Englisha like me?”
“Perhaps,” she said, laughing, joy flooding her heart.
“Then may I come inside?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.
“Oh, yah! Do come in,” she said stepping back. “I’m afraid the house is in a mess.”
“Hah,” he said with a broad smile. “That’s something I’ve noticed about Amish women. You always think the house is a mess, when actually you could eat off the floor with a spoon.”
“Oh? And do you see a lot of Amish women?” she asked primly, shutting the door behind him and not daring to look into his face.
“A few,” he said. “Being the house guest of a bishop does result in a few supper invitations. But I can’t say they’re without intent. I think I am a little of a novelty.”
“Yah, indeed you are.” Surely he meant married women were fixing these meals for him.
“So you’re busy,” he said. “So many things to do—the quilting, the children, the house, the renters upstairs. A busy, busy woman, and now German lessons to teach.”
“Is there something wrong with being busy?”
“No, not at all. In fact, I like it. It’s one of the reasons I’m joining the Amish. I like their hard work, honest toil, and their solid womenfolk.”
“You make us sound like rather joyless creatures.”
“Not at all. What more could a man wish for?”
“Yah,” she said. “Tell me, what could he wish for?”
“Well,” Robert said, spreading his arms, “the Amish man has the world by the tail. He works, he has children—lots of them—and he loves his wife. That’s enough I think. More than enough, wouldn’t you say?”
“I don’t know.” She turned away so he couldn’t see her face. “I haven’t been married.”
“Which is a good thing,” he said with a sweet smile. “I mean, it gives you something to look forward to.”
“Perhaps we should start the lesson,” she said, keeping her eyes on the kitchen table. “I am, as you said, busy.”
“That’s another thing about Amish women—or perhaps you, Ella. At first you’re warm and welcoming, and the next minute it’s down to business. You women change like the weather.”
“Perhaps marriage settles us down,” she said, surprised at his frank appraisal of her. Is that what he thought? “I’m not used to such a frank discussion of a girl’s temperament, and that right in front of her.”
He laughed, a heartfelt bellow that echoed through the basement. “My, my, this is interesting. Perhaps I need more than German lessons from you. Perhaps lessons in Amish women. Shall I take notes?”
“Is that what I am to you—a dispenser of Amish information—and emotions? Perhaps just an experiment, the results of which you can store in that fancy college brain of yours? Robert, we Amish women—and men too for that matter—aren’t monkeys in a zoo to be observed.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Bishop Miller said I might run into this when he told me I could come here for lessons.”
“Run into what?” she asked, holding his gaze, her hands now inexplicably shaking.
“Well, you are a dating woman—or were. I’m not sure of your customs.”
“What do you mean were?”
“Your beloved—if that is what he is…isn’t he about to be excommunicated?”
“And how do you know this?”
“Bishop Miller told me, of course.”
“When did he tell you about Ivan possibly being excommunicated?”
He regarded her for a long moment.
“Tell me the truth,” she said.
“I don’t know what this is all about,” he said. “But I sense a trap under my foot.”
“And why should there be a trap under your foot?” she asked, feeling tears sting her eyes. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not your fault.”
“What makes you think…”
“Robert, answer the question.”
“Before I answer, let me say this,” he said, uneasily. “My mother told me about the kind of woman you are, Ella. But in person, it’s different. Even better. When I saw you that first day I was here, when you asked me to stay for dinner, I can’t explain how that felt, how at home it made me feel. All my life I’ve wanted that feeling, Ella. No, I’ve wanted more than just the feeling. I’ve wanted someone like you. Yet you were seeing someone. You told me so yourself. But you never said if you loved the man. I don’t know, perhaps you do. But where I come from, a man can tell how a woman feels about the man she’s seeing.
“Now, this man you were seeing is in a lot of trouble. And so I have to wonder that if that’s true, does it change anything between us? Would I have a chance with you, once I’m baptized and all that? Please, just consider it, Ella. I’m not trying to pull any tricks. Really I’m not.”
Ella hardly knew how to react. She felt a familiar pain on the inside, but before she could answer his question, she had to know the answer to her question. “I want you to answer my question, Robert. When did Bishop Miller tell you Ivan might be excommunicated?”
He sighed. “One of the first nights I came. We talked about Amish life, and naturally he asked me why I was interested in becoming Amish. I told him that I was attracted to the life—and, forgive me, Ella—I confided in him that I was attracted to you too. As we talked, he told me about excommunication among the Amish. He told me there might soon be a case in point. He told me it involved you.”
Ella trembled with anger. “Robert, you have no idea what you’re involved in,” she cried, placing both hands on the kitchen table.
She caught sight of the girls watching the two of them.
She calmed her voice and said, “Please just go back to the big wide world where you came from, Robert. You are a babe lost in the woods. You will get over this, but it will not be here among us. Please leave, Robert. Leave now.”
“But I love you,” he said, his hand touching her arm.
“Don’t,” she said, pulling back, her voice now cold. “It’s no use. Just go.”
“Was I out of place—with what I said about the two of us? Do you not speak of these things before baptism?”
“Robert, I’m seeing that it’s really true that we come from different worlds. Two worlds that can never be joined together.”
“Bishop Miller is allowing me to come over.”
She stared at him, refusing to answer. There were many things she was, but a betrayer of her people she was not. Never would a word cross her lips that this man from the Englisha could take back with him and shame her people.
“I will be baptized,” he said, his voice firm. “I start the class in the spring, and I will become part of your world. How can you hold it against me, the fact that I was born in what you call ‘the world’?”
“Robert,” she said hearing her voice choke. “I cannot tell you…what needs to be said, and you must not make me. You will soon see things happen here among us. Watch them carefully, and perhaps you will see it in time. I hope that you do, long before you are made bitter and hard. I pray you’re spared, because, yah, Robert, the truth is that I do love you, but it cannot be.”
Ella Finds Love Again (Little Valley 3) Page 21
