by Nora Phoenix
He never got to finish his sentence because Noah kissed him to shut him up. Josh laughed. It was good to see his plan had worked, that some of the tension at least had dissipated. Noah and Indy clearly had a row that morning, and he was happy to see they’d made up. He couldn’t stand it when they fought.
His guess was Noah had lashed out at Indy in anger for some reason. He’d seen the tension on his face, in his body. He’s in pain. Fuck, what if Noah needs me? He’d do it, but what would it mean to Connor? He’d said Josh needed permission to do more than kiss. Connor would give it, no doubt. He’d know he couldn’t refuse, not this early in their relationship, not when Noah was clearly in so much pain. But how would it affect him, affect them? It was all so fucking complicated. Josh wanted Connor, more than he’d thought possible, but he still felt tied to Noah and Indy as well.
He grabbed his gear, started walking back toward the entrance. Connor caught up with him and fell in step. “You’re a phenomenal shot,” he said.
“Thank you.”
It shouldn’t matter to Josh, but it did. No matter how morally wrong it felt at times to be outstanding in killing people, the fact was that he had exceptional skills with a rifle, and it made him feel accomplished. He’d never been good at anything in particular, had so often felt like a failure, especially to his parents. But the one thing the army had given him was a sense of skill.
“How was this for you?” Connor asked.
“My therapist suggested it, actually. Said it would be good for me to engage in playful combat or some shit like that. And it was good, fun even.”
“You’re not merely a master sniper. You kept winning on strategy as well, kept anticipating what Noah and I would do.”
Josh raised his eyebrows, shot a sideways glance at Connor. “You say it as if it surprised you.”
“It did. Somehow I’d gotten the impression that you didn’t do well in the army, but from what I’ve seen you must’ve been one hell of an asset.”
Josh pondered the thought. “If I hadn’t been gay and so damn sensitive, I think I would’ve loved every minute of it. The routine, the rules, they fit me well.”
Connor grabbed his shoulder, stopped him. “What do you mean, sensitive?”
Josh lowered his eyes, stared at the ground. Did he really have to say it?
“Josh, you’re not talking about your PTSD, are you?”
He bit his lip, nodded, still gazing downward.
“That’s bullshit.” Connor lifted his chin up with a finger, forced him to meet his eyes. “You know that’s not true. Having PTSD says nothing about how strong you are.”
Josh swallowed. “You don’t have it. Noah doesn’t have it. Indy went through hell and back, and he’s okay.”
“Again, bullshit. None of us are okay; it manifests in different ways. You said it yourself: Noah has anger issues and hasn’t found a healthy way to cope with his emotions. I don’t know Indy well enough, but I’m pretty sure he’s got emotional scars judging from the way he flinches from touch. And as for me…” Connor stopped, sighed. “I’m a hot mess, Josh. You have no idea.”
Josh frowned. What was Connor talking about? “I don’t understand. You’re a cop. You have a solid life, are functioning without problems.”
Connor closed his eyes for a second, and when he opened them again, a deep, unexpected sadness radiated from him. “I’m a robot, Josh. That’s how I’m coping. I’m a fucking robot. I show up, do my job, go home. I have no friends, no life, nothing. I don’t talk about what happened to me. I don’t talk, period. Shit, I’ve told you more in the last week than I’ve told anyone, ever. That whole honesty thing and all the talking you guys do? It scares the shit out of me, okay? Trust me, Josh, I may not have PTSD, but I’m seriously fucked up.”
Josh saw it in Connor’s eyes: every word he said was true. And it cost him to say it, this proud, strong man who humbled himself for Josh.
“You’re lonely,” Josh said, reaching out for Connor’s cheek with his hand.
“You have no idea. I have zero experience with relationships, even with friendships. Sure, I had my brothers in arms, but I never allowed them to get too close, except for Lucas. And when he…when I lost him, that was it. I’ve been alone for so long I think I’ve forgotten how to be human.”
Suddenly, it all made sense to Josh. Why Connor had waited so long before pursuing Josh. Why he had been so scared, so insecure. It also explained part of the jealousy he had of Noah, which was about more than just the sex between Josh and Noah. It was about their friendship, the level of comfort they had with each other, and with Indy. The banter, the teasing—Connor didn’t have that. Didn’t even know how to do it, maybe.
His hand still on Connor’s cheek, Josh leaned in, kissed him softly. He wrapped his arms around Connor, hugged him tightly.
“Josh, promise me one thing,” Connor whispered in his ear.
Josh leaned back so he could see his face but held his arms around Connor’s neck.
“If I fuck up with you, if I hurt you with what I do or say, tell me. Please tell me so I can try and make it right. I’m winging this, Josh. I don’t know what I’m doing with you or how to be in a relationship, but I want to learn to take care of you, okay?”
Josh nodded. “Does that mean we’re in a relationship?” he asked softly. He didn’t want to pressure Connor, but he didn’t want to hide either. If Connor wanted them to be together, he’d have to come out and say it, own it.
“Yes. You’re mine, Josh, and I’ll say it to anyone you need me to.”
“Your work?”
Connor swallowed. “I’ll tell them.”
Joy sparked in Josh's heart. Connor was willing to come out of the closet for him. He was truly serious about them. “Did you mean what you said about Noah and Indy this morning?”
“Yes. I get that you need them even if it’s hard for me to not be jealous. But Josh, anything more than kissing and you talk to me first, ask me for permission.”
Yup, there it was again. That authoritative tone that made Josh want to bend over and take it. “Yes, Connor,” he said. The satisfied look on Connor’s face was beautiful. “Will you spank me if I disobey?” Josh teased.
Connor laughed. “I’m not sure that would be effective as a punishment, seeing how much you’re looking forward to it. I’ll have to find something else more deterring, like not fuck you for a week.”
Josh's eyes went big. “Damn, that’s cruel. You know how much I like the Beast.”
Connor brought his mouth so close to Josh's their breaths mingled. “The Beast likes you too, Beauty. But if you disobey me, I will deny you the pleasure, even if it costs me, too.”
Josh was pretty sure it was really, really fucked up that this turned him on. For fuck’s sake, he was throbbing hard. The slight sting in his ass had bothered him all day, a reminder of their session last night. Josh had told himself to wait at least 24 hours before letting Connor fuck him again, but right now, he’d drop his pants and spread his legs in an instant to take him in again, pain be damned.
“That dominant thing comes pretty naturally to you,” he said, his voice hoarse.
“You have no idea how much you submitting turns me on. Every time you say ‘yes, Connor’, I want to rip your pants off and fuck you senseless.”
Yup, Connor could fuck him right here, right now, and Josh wouldn’t mind one bit.
“Are you two lovebirds about done?” Noah shouted.
“Not even close,” Josh whispered.
9
Connor woke up the next morning at 05:00 sharp with a naked Josh draped all over him. Josh's head was on his shoulder, his breath softly breezing over Connor’s nipple. Connor didn’t move, too scared he’d wake him up. He sighed with contentment. God, he could get used to this.
By unspoken agreement, nobody had mentioned the Fitzpatrick situation yesterday evening. Instead, Josh and Indy had cooked dinner—a pasta dish with some delicious spicy sausage, fresh tomatoes, and basil—and t
hey watched a movie. Noah and Indy were lounging on the couch, their bodies intertwined—though Indy had been careful to not touch Noah’s leg. It was bothering him more than usual, Connor had noted. Noah kept wincing whenever he moved, and Connor had seen him pop a pill—presumably a painkiller.
He and Josh had been in one of the reading chairs. Josh had started on the floor, leaning against him, but had quickly moved to his lap where they had kissed and snuggled. During a particularly fiery love scene in the movie, Connor had looked up from having kissed Josh senseless to find Noah’s hand buried deep in Indy’s unbuttoned pants. Seconds later, they’d gone upstairs where the subsequent loud moans left no doubt as to their activities. Connor and Josh had followed suit and had managed to keep the fresh sheets clean with a highly satisfying mutual blow job.
Josh had begged Connor to take him again, but Connor had refused. He’d seen the slight cringe on Josh's face throughout the day whenever he exerted himself a bit too much. There was no way Connor was going to exacerbate that pain, so the answer was no. When Josh had started to whine a little, Connor had gotten firm and had threatened to withhold for a day extra for every time Josh whined. That had shut him up quickly.
How he had loved spending this time with Josh. Every minute with him, he felt more alive, more human. It had made him painfully aware of his loneliness, the unbearable emptiness of his life until now. He was proud of his time in the Marines, and he was certainly grateful to serve as a cop, but he’d been sleepwalking. Josh had awakened him to a different life, one where he could feel, experience, love.
He jolted when the door was unlocked, and someone softly stepped inside. Indy.
“Everything okay?” he whispered.
“No. It’s Noah. He’s in incredible pain, and I don’t know what to do. I need Josh.”
Connor’s breath stilled. He knew what Indy was implicitly asking. God, he’d known this would come up at some point, but he’d hoped to have a bit more time to reconcile himself with the idea. How could he let Josh be used by Noah when he wanted him so desperately for himself? Still, he had no choice. Josh would never forgive him if Connor didn’t allow him to be there for Noah.
He gently kissed Josh, stroked his head. “Josh, baby, wake up.”
Josh's eyes opened slowly. “Hey, baby,” he whispered. “Impatient for me to wake up again?”
“Indy needs you. It’s Noah.”
Josh shot up. “Is he okay?”
“His leg is killing him. I don’t know if he overdid it on the paintball range or what, but it’s bad. I figure he has a fever, too.” Indy sounded close to tears.
Josh scrambled up, climbed out of bed without so much as a glance at Connor. He followed Indy into the hallway, and Connor heard them walk in the other bedroom. Connor slowly sat up, clenched his fists, forcing a breath through a constricted throat. You’re losing him. He’ll always choose Noah above you.
He dragged himself out of bed, got dressed. What else could he do? If they want me to stay much longer, they should at least let me pick up some fresh clothes. He was wearing Noah’s boxers, and though they fit reasonably well, it was awkward as hell. Not as awkward as the sounds he was about to hear, though. Maybe he should go downstairs so he wouldn’t have to listen in. How could Indy be okay with this, let alone watch? If they’d force him to watch, he’d fucking kill Noah. There was no way in hell he would be able to look and do nothing while another man was touching Josh. His Josh. But he’s not truly yours, now is he? He’ll always be Noah’s first.
Fully dressed, he sat down on the bed, his head in his hands, waiting for the proverbial ax to fall. Josh's voice was clearly audible. Connor slowly raised his head, tried to make out the words.
“I don’t give a fuck what you want, Noah. This is not your decision anymore. We’re taking you in, right now.”
Take him in? What the hell is going on?
Josh stormed into the room, buttoning up his jeans and socks in his hands. “Good, you’re dressed. You need to carry Noah down. We’re taking him to the ER.”
Connor’s mind shifted into operational mode. “What’s wrong?”
“He has an infection on his stump that’s spreading. The stubborn asshole has kept it from me, tried to self-medicate it. He’s a fucking PA, and he should know better!”
The last words were clearly aimed at Noah, who responded from the other room with an equally loud “Fuck you!”.
“Get the car ready and grab some essentials for him. I’ll bring him down,” Connor said.
“He won’t like it,” Indy said, stepping into the room. His face was pale, and he was fidgeting with his hands.
Connor shot him a reassuring smile. “I can handle it. Go downstairs.”
After putting his shoes on, he walked into the other bedroom without hesitation. “Let’s go,” he simply said.
Noah was still on the bed, naked, with a big scowl on his face. “I’m not going anywhere. Josh is overreacting. It’s nothing.”
Connor crossed his arms. “What you mean is that you’d rather he pity-fuck you so you can go back to feeling sorry for yourself.”
Noah narrowed his eyes. “Wouldn’t you prefer Josh's sweet, tight ass over a hospital?”
He’s baiting you. And dammit, it was working. Connor bit down on his temper. “I would. But no matter how sweet Josh's ass is, it will not heal an infection,” he said coolly.
“It’s just irritated, not infected.”
“Really? So you’re requesting a pity-fuck at 05:30 over a mere irritation of your skin?”
“Fuck you!”
“No, but thanks for offering. You’ve got two choices, Flint. You can go to the hospital as naked as you are right now, or you can go wearing some clothes. The choice is yours. But I will take you to the hospital, and I’ll knock you out cold if I have to. You still owe me a couple of punches anyway.”
Noah was fuming, his face tight with anger and pain. “Close the door,” he finally bit out at Connor between clenched teeth.
Connor thought he could’ve asked nicer but decided to let it go. The man was in pain. Surely he could cut him some slack.
“I know it’s infected. But I didn’t want to go to the hospital.”
Connor saw more on the man’s face than mere pain and frustration. Fear. A deep sense of duty. “You didn’t wanna leave Indy and Josh alone.”
“They need me. I know that sounds like a massive ego thing, but it’s not.”
“I get it,” Connor said.
Noah let out a muffled curse, and his face distorted with pain. “I need to know I can trust you.”
“I love him.” Connor wasn’t even sure why he told Noah, but he meant what he said. “I don’t know why or how it happened so quickly, but I love him. I would die before I’d hurt him, at least intentionally.”
Noah nodded, accepted. “And Indy?”
“I don’t know how to prove I mean him no harm, other than to keep saying it. I hate my family, Noah. I hate who they are and what they did to him.”
“Okay, then.” Noah let out a shaky breath. “I’m trusting you to take care of them, O’Connor. Don’t let me down.” Connor nodded. Was Noah’s voice weaker, or was that his imagination? He looked flushed, sweaty, his eyes glazed. “Grab me a shirt and some boxers, would you?”
Connor opened a random drawer, found boxers that matched the ones he was wearing and assumed they were Noah’s. In the next drawer there was a stack of white shirts. He threw them at Noah, expecting him to catch them, but they fell down on the bed.
Noah smiled weakly. “I fucked up,” he said.
Hesitantly, Connor walked over to him, grabbed his shoulder to pull him up. Noah’s skin was burning hot under his hand. “Oh, shit,” Connor said, his eyes growing big. “Fucking hell.”
“Sepsis,” Noah brought out, blinking slowly. “Tell them sepsis.”
Noah went weak as jelly under his hands, passed out. Connor grabbed the cell phone on the nightstand, dialed the all-too-familiar number. “Disp
atch, this is Officer O’Connor, badge number 785. I need an ambulance over at two-four Dearborn for a civilian with life-threatening fever due to infection.”
“10-4 O’Connor, ambulance en route to two-four Dearborn. Which hospital do you prefer?”
“Albany Med. Please alert the staff they have a colleague coming in, physician assistant Noah Flint. Infected amputation stump resulting in high fever, possible sepsis.”
“10-4. Ambulance is four minutes out.”
“Thanks, dispatch. I’ll have someone stand outside to guide them in. I’ll call you back when I’m outside.”
He wrapped the sheet around Noah, not bothering with more clothes. It didn’t make sense when they were about to treat him anyway. Noah was passed out, his whole body burning up with fever. Oh, God. Please let him be okay. Josh will not survive if Noah doesn’t make it.
Connor carefully folded his arms under Noah’s body, lifted him slowly off the bed. Josh was waiting in the hallway, his face white as the sheet around Noah. “He’s passed out. Ambulance is on the way. Tell Indy to stand outside and guide them in. And tell Indy I need my phone and wallet, please.”
Carefully, Connor carried Noah down the stairs, out the front door. Josh was outside in the driveway with a flashlight, and he’d turned on all the lights around the house. In the distance, sirens wailed.
“Where’s Indy?” Connor asked.
His muscles started to tremble with the effort of holding Noah up. Normally, he would’ve slung him over his shoulder which would have distributed his weight better, but he was scared it would rub the stump and hurt the guy even more. With the fever he was sporting, his system probably couldn’t take much more.
“I don’t know,” Josh said. “Your phone and wallet were downstairs on the kitchen counter. I have them on me.”
“Are you okay?” Connor checked. The last thing they needed now was for Josh to get hit with an episode.
