“Jesus, you look terrible. You better come in. Luke! Your brother is here and you better break out the whiskey.”
I handed her the box with the cinnamon roll in it. “Please get rid of this for me.”
Her brows went up but she accepted the box, stepping back so I could enter their home. Luke came out from the kitchen, drying his hands on a towel. He was dressed almost identically to Rachel, jeans and a sweatshirt. They were a cute couple and it was strange that it was the first time I was really noticing it.
A couple. Fuck. I didn’t even want to think about that.
“Brother, you look like you just killed a man and ran from the scene of the crime. Do I need to hide you in our basement or get you a fake ID?”
Rachel’s gaze bounced back and forth between me and her husband. “I’m going to make a pot of coffee to go with that whiskey.”
Luke shook his head. “He doesn’t look like he needs alcohol, sweetheart. That would only make it worse. But coffee is a good idea. Black and strong.”
“I’m not hungover.”
Luke tossed the towel over his shoulder and then placed a guiding hand on my back, leading me into the living room. “That’s good news. You do, however, look like death warmed over. What’s going on?”
“Mia kicked me out of her house.”
I could barely get the words out, let alone believe that it had actually happened. My life was spinning out of control all because she thought she needed to get control of hers. What in the hell was going on?
“She has feelings for me.”
I didn’t realize at first that I’d said it out loud but the sharp intake of breath from both Luke and Rachel told me that I’d stated it loud and clear. Rachel slapped down a water bottle on the coffee table, her lips pressed together tightly.
“Here’s some water while the coffee’s brewing.”
Looking like she had a whole lot more to say, she stood there with her arms crossed over her chest and her toe tapping against the maple flooring.
“Thanks.”
There was silence after I thanked her and I didn’t know what else to say. Hell, I wasn’t even sure what I was feeling except shocked.
“Maybe,” Luke began, settling onto the couch with me. “Maybe you should start from the beginning. We saw that you left with Mia last night and we heard that you punched out her date. Rachel and I thought that was a positive move forward for you two.”
“We thought you were finally removing your head from your ass,” Rachel said, bitterness lacing her tone. “But if you were smartening up you wouldn’t be here right now. You did something stupid, didn’t you?”
Offended, I took a swig of the water. “I don’t have anything up my ass, thank you very much. And I don’t know what you mean…a positive move forward?”
“You and Mia,” Luke said, his brows pinched together. “We’ve all been waiting for you two to get together.”
Me and Mia?
“What do you mean all? Who are all of you?”
“Everyone,” Luke shrugged. “Mom and Dad, me and Rachel. Your assistant. The accountant. The waitress at the barbecue place. Everyone. It’s obvious how you feel about her.”
“She’s my friend.”
A friend I had fucked last night. It was amazing. In most places on the planet, friends didn’t do that to each other, though.
Laughing, my brother wagged his finger under my nose. “She’s more than your friend. You punched her boyfriend last night, bro.”
“He was being a jerk.”
I didn’t like that he had his hands on her. They weren’t supposed to be there.
“So you punched him? When was the last time you hit someone?” Luke was still laughing as if this entire situation was so fucking funny. “You can’t even remember, can you? You hit a guy because you were jealous as hell. Why don’t you just admit it?”
“Because it’s not true,” I protested but the feeling I was getting in the pit of my stomach was telling me that my brother had a point. I didn’t go around punching people. Even the ones that desperately deserved it. “I wasn’t jealous.”
Rachel hadn’t said much the past few minutes so I thought I was in the clear there but she walked up next to me and slapped me on the back of the head. Not super hard but enough to get my attention.
My hand reflexively went to the spot she’d hit. “Ouch! Shit, what was that for?”
“For being stupid,” she said calmly, perching on the arm of a chair. “And for probably hurting Mia today. I don’t know all of the details but I have a bad feeling that you’ve broken that poor girl’s heart and she hasn’t done anything to deserve that.”
“She said she deserved better,” I muttered, still stinging from Mia’s words and Rachel’s slap.
“She does,” my sister-in-law agreed far too happily. “She deserves a man that isn’t as dumb as a box of rocks.”
My arm dropped to my side. “Will you stop calling me stupid?”
“No,” she shot back. “You can’t see what’s been in front of your face for years. We’ve all known. Mia’s been in love with you. We could all see it. Now I will give you that it’s not obvious. She’s played it super cool but after awhile we all figured it out. But we’ve all seen that you love her too, Josh, and we’ve waited for you to figure it out. Mia waited too but I guess she got tired of it. I don’t blame her, she has to be exhausted and wondering if you’re worth it. Spoiler alert, I’m not sure you are.”
All of this was news to me. People had an opinion about me and Mia? About our feelings for one another? They needed a fucking hobby and to keep their nose in their own business.
“What makes you think I’m in love with her?”
This time it was Rachel laughing at me.
“What makes you think you’re not?”
“Because I would know.”
“How many women have you dated and discarded?” Rachel scoffed. “There’s always been something not quite right with them or you. Or the timing was bad. Or they wanted three kids and you only wanted two. Maybe you didn’t like their laugh or the books they read. All it adds up to is that you’ve been making excuses for years.”
I could feel the heat of anger on the back of my neck, crawling down my spine. “I just haven’t met the right woman.”
Luke placed his hand on my shoulder when I would have jumped to my feet, pushing me back down into the couch cushions. “Or maybe you’ve already found her and you’re scared shitless of commitment. Because then it would be real and not a game that you control.”
“I don’t need control.”
Even as the words rolled off of my tongue I knew it was a lie. I loved having control. It was one of the main reasons that I worked for myself and not for someone else.
“Fine. You don’t need control,” Luke said. “And you don’t need Mia because you’re not in love with her. Looks like you don’t have any problems. Your life is perfect.”
Fuck. What had I done? My life wasn’t perfect and I did need Mia. The question was in what capacity did I want her in my life? Could my brother and sister-in-law be right? And my parents? And the waitress at the barbecue joint?
Was I in love with Mia?
Is this what it felt like, a terrible ripping out of my heart? I already missed her and I hadn’t even been gone from her home for thirty minutes. I couldn’t picture a future without her smiling face in it. I’d crawl over hot coals butt naked so that she wouldn’t feel a moment’s pain in her life.
“Luke, I think I’m going to need that whiskey now.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Mia
Brunch with the girls. I sat at the head of the table and finished my story, waiting for their applause and adulation. I’d done it. I was officially moving on from Josh.
Shelby was the first to speak. “Have you lost your mind? You kicked him out of your house? That’s not in the book.”
Emmy rolled her eyes. “Then it should be. Good for you, hon. I’m so proud of you.
Don’t let a man, any man, make you feel any less than your best. He’d be lucky to have you.”
I nodded in agreement. “I know, right? But I could tell he was all wishy-washy about it.”
“He who hesitates is lost,” Ashlyn quoted. “I was rooting for you two so I’m kind of sad. I think you would have made a nice couple.”
I did too but Josh had other ideas.
“He actually looked scared,” I said, thinking back to that moment when I’d put him on the spot. “What is he so terrified of? It can’t be me.”
“Commitment,” Shelby replied, shaking her head. “He’s afraid of commitment.”
“Why?” Ashlyn asked. “What makes men so afraid to fall in love and settle down?”
“They’re not really programmed for it,” my sister answered, tapping her chin in thought. “From childhood they’re told to be strong and silent. Don’t cry. Don’t show emotion. Then when they meet a woman they’re supposed to be all loving and warm. Plus, there’s the whole biological thing about spreading their seed. They’re not even aware of that one. It’s just in their DNA. I don’t know Josh’s specific reasons but he didn’t get to be in his mid-thirties and single by accident. Women chase him all of the time, so he had to have developed some serious barriers to intimacy.”
A barrier to intimacy. Was that what all this was? A wall between Josh and emotions? Was I being lazy not trying to knock it down or climb over it?
No.
Women smarter, more successful, and more beautiful than me had tried and failed. The odds of me being the person who finally did it was incredibly small.
Reaching for my purse on the floor, I pulled out the list I’d made earlier that was tucked in a side pocket. “So after Josh left I started making a list of all of the things I want to do in my life, preferably in the next five years.”
“That’s wonderful,” Emmy said approvingly. “I love lists. They’re so useful.”
We all knew Emmy loved lists. Spreading their seed might be in the male DNA but organization was in Emmy’s.
“Let’s hear it,” Ashlyn urged. “What do you want to do?”
Sneaking a look at my sister, I cleared my throat and began. “The first thing is to find the love of my life.”
“That’s a good one,” Shelby said with a smile. “Love is the best.”
That hadn’t been my experience but I let that remark slide because my sister was in love and engaged.
I continued. “Please note that I said find the love of my life. Not get married. Not have a family. At this point, I’m happy just to find him. I don’t need the other stuff.”
Emmy and Ashlyn were nodding but as I’d predicted Shelby was frowning. She was all about marriage and weddings, especially while deep in planning her own. If I’d been seriously dating anyone, I bet she’d be dropping hints to him about proposing so we could have a double wedding.
As if she’d share the spotlight with me on her wedding day. Not even a remote possibility. Shelby loved the idea of being a bride.
Giving her the side-eye, I raised my brows in question. “Any comments?”
“None.”
Shelby was as smart as she was successful.
“Number two is that I want to live abroad for a year or two. I’m not sure if it’s possible but I’d like to work somewhere in Europe. There’s a teacher exchange program at my school and if I sign up now I could be assigned for next fall.”
“You can’t do that.” Shelby’s voice had risen and the heads of several diners whipped around to see what was going on. Taking a deep breath, she lowered her voice. “I mean…you can’t do that.”
Ashlyn frowned. “Why can’t she do that? I think it sounds amazing. I’d do it if I could.”
Shelby threw up her hands. “I’m getting married in September.”
Resting her chin on her hand, Emmy sighed. “I warned you about this. Don’t go all monster-bride on us. This isn’t about you. It’s about Mia. Try again.”
My sister, for once, appeared to be speechless. “It’s just–well– I’ll be newly married and I’ll want my sister around.”
Emmy’s eyes narrowed and she shook her head. “Sounds self-involved and selfish. We get it. You’re a bride. I see them almost every day, remember? But you don’t get to claim the whole year for yourself. You get one day. One. Day. We don’t all just orbit around you.”
“I don’t think you revolve around me,” Shelby protested, her cheeks turning red.
“Are you sure?” Emmy challenged. “Because you just said you didn’t want your sister to take a year out and travel because you’re getting married. You’re a shrink. What do you think that means?”
“I think it means I’m selfish,” Shelby muttered under her breath. “What is happening to me? I see white satin dresses and I lose all reason.”
“It’s bridal fever.” Emmy nodded knowingly. “I see it all the time. Perfectly normal people walk into my office and by the time the wedding rolls around they’re crazed. I’m shocked that the grooms actually go through with the ceremony. Luckily most brides go back to normal but some never recover. They miss being the center of attention and they resent that they’re not treated like a princess every day after their wedding.”
“When did this happen?” I marveled. “Is this a modern problem or have brides been like this through history?”
“I blame reality television,” Ashlyn stated firmly. “And social media.”
“Everyone blames reality television and social media,” Shelby replied as the waitress brought our meals. “But that’s too easy an answer. We have to look at society as a whole and wonder why we even need to have a special day. I want to understand why I need to have a day where I’m the center of attention. Have I always been like that?”
“Yes,” I answered, shoving a fry in my mouth. “Mom and Dad like you best. You’re their perfect little princess so it would only make sense that you would want that to continue.”
“Ouch,” Shelby exclaimed. “That’s harsh. Bitter, party of one.”
“I’m not bitter. I’m just telling it like it is.”
Emmy and Ashlyn had wisely shut up.
“Mom and Dad do not like me best.”
“Yes, they do.”
“No, they don’t.”
Did she really want to do this? Because I could do this all day long.
“For heaven’s sakes,” Emmy said with a yawn. “We do this almost every few months. Your parents love both of you but even I have to admit that your mother brags about Shelby way too much. She’s instilled a great sense of self-esteem…in one of her children.”
My sister shook a finger at Emmy. “Don’t you blame my mother for this.”
“Interesting,” Emmy smirked. “A shrink that doesn’t want to blame mommy. That must be a first.”
“That’s so cliché,” Shelby replied. “And they love Mia just as much as me. Maybe more.”
It was my turn to roll my eyes. “More? Really? What evidence do you have for that statement?”
Groaning, Ashlyn held up her hands in surrender. “Okay, let’s not. As much as Emmy and I love these little family debates, they’re getting old. No one wins them so they’ve been rendered moot. Next subject. Mia, Josh is sure to keep trying so what are you going to do when he calls?”
“Not answer. Ignore his calls and texts. He’ll eventually give up.”
“You didn’t learn anything from the book.” Shelby sighed and wiped her mouth with her napkin. “Remember what I said about men wanting to compete and strive? The more you ignore Josh the more attractive you’re going to become. He’ll just ramp up the campaign.”
What campaign? There was no campaign here.
“He won’t because I asked him straight out if he wanted to try and he didn’t.”
Emmy leaned forward in her chair, her gaze darting left and right, clearly not wanting to be overheard. “Was it…you know…good?”
Ah, the memories.
“Yes. Most definitel
y yes.”
“If you can say that, then it was twenty times better for him,” Emmy declared. “He’ll be back, and you’ll need to be ready.”
“He won’t be back.”
After telling him the truth about my feelings, I was sure I’d never see or hear from Josh again.
That chapter of my life was closed and finished.
* * *
Josh
I ended up back at my place after I left Luke and Rachel. They’d given me a hell of a lot to think about and I’d had a hard to concentrating on the road when my head was filled with images of Mia through the years. My other girlfriends, too.
Fuck, I’d compared every one of those women to Mia and they’d all come up short somehow. I simply hadn’t realized I was doing it until now. Too late. When did I get so scared of love and commitment?
Dad had said that women came too easily to me and I didn’t appreciate what I had. He’d also said that I was so busy working on what I wanted to be, I hadn’t worked on who I wanted to be.
I wanted to be a good man. I wanted to be the kind of husband and father my dad was.
Okay, but he said it wasn’t that easy. What else did I want?
I wanted to be a man that people respected because he did the right thing even when it was difficult.
I wanted to be the kind of person that others could turn to when they had troubles.
I wanted to have a reputation as an honest, hardworking man who cared about the people in his life.
I wanted to be a man that treated women well because they deserved it.
I deserve better. That’s what Mia had said. I hadn’t been treating her with respect and she’d – rightly – kicked me to the curb. Fucking a woman in the front seat of my car and then dropping her off at her house and leaving was not respect. That was the opposite if I was being completely honest. Mia had to be feeling vulnerable and unsure after we’d been so intimate but I’d been so freaked out I’d practically left tire marks in her driveway getting out of there so fast. I’d thought I was being so brave showing up there the next morning but that had been the coward’s path.
The proof it wasn’t the right thing to do? I sure as shit wouldn’t want to tell my father what I’d done. And my mom? She’d be so upset, especially as she really cares about Mia.
Tempt Him Page 13
