by V. L. Holt
I didn’t know what to think.
Zack wasn’t rejecting me. In fact, he was saying that there was room for a real, long-term relationship. Long-term like my parents and grandparents had enjoyed. Something I had forgotten about in pursuit of my music and in dodging Ray and Harley.
The longer I waited to say anything, the more nervous Zack looked. I realized I had to say or do something right quick.
I stepped back into his private space and put my arms around his trim waist, and hooked my thumbs in his belt loops.
“I think you are an amazing man, and if you want to wait, then we’ll wait. For the record, I can NOT wait though, if that makes any sense,” I told him. Then I leaned up and kissed him on the lips again, a little less hot and heavy, and a little more comfortable and serene.
The worry relaxed from his expression.
“There’s more I need to tell you,” he said. I dropped my hands and quirked my mouth. Did he have a divorce he needed to finalize? Was he wanted for a crime? My heart couldn’t take this! I stepped around him.
“I’m sorry, Zack I gotta make some tea and take more medicine. Go on,” I encouraged him to continue.
The rituals calmed my nerves. Zack had sort of, kind of, proposed to me, and now he was going to tell me more. What could top a kind of, sort of, proposal?
“Once I get enough for a plane ticket, I’m leaving for Maryland,” he dropped the bomb.
I dropped my spoon with a clatter.
I shook my head of confusion cobwebs and picked up the spoon.
“What’s in Maryland?” I asked. My voice sounded tight to my ears.
“There is a doctor doing an experimental treatment on soldiers with PTSD. But it’s in the beginning stages, so the government won’t pay for it. That night I tried to mug you,” he cleared his throat. I bit the inside of my lip. It would make a heck of a story to tell our grandkids one day…
“I was after a credit card. I wanted to buy a plane ticket and head out there,” he said.
I had to be honest with myself. That was kind of a letdown. My tough guy was trying to get help for his PTSD.
“Why not take the bus?” I asked. It was a logical question.
His face darkened.
“No bus,” was all he said. He started pacing in the somewhat empty living room, and I realized I must have stuck my foot in it. I made a mental note not to mention buses ever again.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
He stopped pacing and ran restless hands through his gorgeous thick brown hair. “It’s not your fault, Lauren. Not at all. I’m sure I can explain it one day, just not today,” he said. He walked up to me and brushed my cheek with a hand.
“Now I’m the one that’s sorry. I dropped all these bombs on you but now I have to get ready for work. What act plays at Lonely Nights on Sunday nights?” he asked me while heading to the bathroom.
It kind of gave me a little thrill that he didn’t even ask to use my bathroom. It was just kind of understood.
“Oh, Sunday night is big band. There is one group that Brenda convinced to play on Sunday nights. The crowd’s pretty tame. A lot of blue hairs,” I told him. He nodded and disappeared into my bathroom.
I looked around my apartment through his eyes.
Everything happened so fast, it’s not like I got to scrub every trace of Ray out of here. I noticed the bags were gone, and I figured he must have thrown it out on the landing. Let the neighbors go through it or something.
My apartment was pretty simply laid out. Front room and tiny dining area, galley kitchen, short hallway leading to bathroom and my room. There was a tiny linen closet in the hallway. My room had a nice long but shallow closet. I had done my best to cozy up the place. I had throw-rugs here and there, tasteful art on the walls, candles on low tables, and lots of throw pillows too. I didn’t spend a lot of time at home, what with waitressing and the lounge, but now that Pete had more or less fired me, I was going to be here more often.
It led me to my next question: would Zack move in with me? If he didn’t want to, um, do that yet, then I would have to get another sofa or something.
Of course, he didn’t have to. It’s just that the more I thought about it, the more afraid I was to be here alone. Even though all I’d wanted for the last twelve weeks was to be here alone. Suddenly I was terrified. Ray wouldn’t be bothering me for a while now. But Zack was right. I was a freaking magnet for low-lifes. Present company excluded, of course, I thought to myself while I glanced at the bathroom door.
I had to busy myself with something before I started imagining him in my shower.
I retreated to my room and changed my bed sheets and fluffed pillows, and then I reorganized my closet again. When he came out, he was fully dressed. His damp hair was the only clue that he’d been wet and naked less than ten feet away from me, load-bearing wall notwithstanding.
I sighed.
He smiled and paused at my doorway.
“We probably need to talk about arrangements,” he said.
I swallowed and raised my eyebrows.
“I’ll do whatever you want me to do. If you’re feeling fine, I can get back to the hostel before I go to work. If you’re not fine, then you’re coming with me. And I’ll stay here with you as long as you need me,” he said.
The waterworks started up again, as tears slid down my face.
“What is it? Are you okay?” he asked me and came in my room. He took me in his arms.
“No, I mean, yes I’m okay. Nothing’s wrong. It’s just…you’re so perfect. I am afraid, and I didn’t know what to do. I’ll come with you when you go to work. Please stay here tonight. For a few days. We don’t have to, you know,” I said and let my hand flutter toward the bed.
I couldn’t believe it. I’d gone from world-wise girl of the big city to being embarrassed if I thought about sex with Zack. I guessed I just wanted to please him, and if he wanted to wait, then I did too. Sort of.
“Good,” he said. “I’ll admit I’m relieved. I think you’re an amazing woman. You’ve been doing fine on your own this whole time in Detroit, right?” he asked. I nodded.
“And these last few days must have been a real blow to your confidence,” he said.
I loved this man. He was smarter than I originally gave him credit for that night we met. In fact, I think I called him a clown. I chuckled.
“Now what are you laughing at?” he asked, pulling back and smiling at me with his perfect teeth.
“Oh nothing. Just thinking of Grand Circus Park,” I said and pulled away. I grabbed my shoes and sat on my bed. He started to walk out before I called him back. I held up my shoes for him to see.
“My cast…” I said, and indicated the laces.
He came back and knelt in front of me, sliding a foot into my sneaker as if he was the Prince and I was Cinderella with the glass slippers. I just smiled and looked at his beautiful hair and imagined running my hands through it. Then I sighed when he caressed the arch of my foot before he put the other shoe on it. He tied my laces a little too tight, but I wasn’t going to complain. He was such a complete opposite of Ray. Ray had gotten progressively worse, from being lazy and half-hearted to downright mean and negligent. Zack had done nothing but serve me. Well, except for that one time.
I had some thinking to do.
He seemed alright to me now, but PTSD was no on-again, off-again problem. It was a serious disorder with real consequences and ramifications. Didn’t I know it?
He did need help. If not this week, then maybe the next. He couldn’t just be normal, as much as he probably wanted to. The fact that he wanted to go to Maryland and get real help was a wonderful sign. He’d obviously done a lot of thought and also research. If there was any way I could help him, I would. I just didn’t know how yet. But my Mama didn’t call me the Sneaky Little Whippersnapper for nothing. She claimed I always had something up my sleeve. I glanced at my right hand, encased in the blue cast. Definitely something up my sleeve, er, cast. It was t
he damnedest itch I’d ever felt in my life, and I ransacked my kitchen for something to get down in there and scratch it with. I had to come up with some way to help Zack. Right after I got to that itch.
Chapter Twenty-One
Zack relished the cold shower. He had a notion there were going to be a lot of these in his future. Personally, he was glad Lauren was willing to admit she needed a little company for the next little while. She could very well develop her own case of post-traumatic stress. He would recommend she talk to somebody soon, just in case. In the meantime, he was only too happy to be her on call bodyguard.
Scrubbing down he planned the rest of the evening in his head. Take her with him to the hostel, grab his things, and head to work. One hour fifteen.
Shift eight hours fifteen minutes.
Travel time, twenty three minutes.
The numbers soothed him, as they did most times.
There was comforting predictability in numbers. If only he’d learned that about himself back in high school before he started getting in trouble and dropped out.
He shut off the water and toweled off. Tomorrow he would go back to Dave’s and pay what he owed him. He didn’t understand why David was so willing to forgive him. He couldn’t forgive himself. Not for breaking his nose, and sure as hell, not for what happened in Afghanistan.
He felt oddly light but shaky. He hadn’t told her everything, but he’d told her more than he told most people. Wasn’t there supposed to be some sort of healing if you talked about stuff? Considering the fact that the headaches were less and less when he was around her, there must be some truth to that.
Maybe someday he would tell her everything. And tell Dave too.
He looked at himself briefly in the mirror. He did look a little less worried, like she had said.
If he could manage to keep this job, continue busing at the sports bar, and not do something stupid with Lauren…he just might make it. All he had to do was keep believing.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I felt a particular thrill on Zack’s arm, walking through town. We were a couple! At least, I thought we were a couple. We had exchanged some interesting conversation earlier. He wanted to get married before we…you know…but he didn’t exactly ask me to be his girlfriend. Mama would accuse me of thinking too hard and making a mountain out of a molehill.
I had to hustle a little to keep up with his long strides. I was curious to see his room at the hostel. I was curious about a lot of things.
“Zack, are we a couple?” I asked him, panting a little. My purse swung alongside me; I could hear my pain pills rattle in their bottle.
“I hope so,” Zack said. “I guess we didn’t have that talk, did we? I went straight for the wedding conversation. What do you suppose the women magazines would say about that?” he asked with a laugh.
I laughed too.
“Oh my goodness. The cover of Cosmo: When Your Man Withholds Sex for Marriage!” I said.
He laughed.
“Or how about this one from the Star tabloid: Ex-Army Ranger Demands Abstinence from Lounge Singer?” he said.
I giggled.
“Okay, Woman’s World would have a picture of me on the cover with my cast and it would say this, “Performer Loses 225 Pounds…when Her Boyfriend Moves Out!” I said between laughs. I was cracking myself up.
He joined in too. “That was a good one! What’s that one magazine in the checkout aisle? Blue book?” he asked.
“No, that’s the used car book. You mean ‘Redbook’,” I told him.
“Okay, Redbook’s cover says, “When Your Bad Boy is a Virgin.” He said it softly and I stopped so fast he almost tripped.
“Um, seriously?” I asked him. I was struck dumber than a box of rocks.
He smiled sheepishly at me.
“I didn’t know how to tell you, and this was perfect,” he said.
“Well that explains the waiting part,” I said. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that this handsome stud could and would be mine. Texas Lotto anyone?
“Does that make you feel weird?” he asked me.
I looked him directly in the eye. “Not at all. I feel honored. If you really meant what you said, about the long-term commitment thing, then we got to get some things squared away. Because my Mama didn’t raise no fool,” I told him. “I think it’s wonderful that you’re planning on going to Maryland. That doctor has to help you! We are gonna figure something out,” I said, taking his arm in mine again.
We made it to the hostel, and I noticed that Zack was in a thoughtful silence.
The hostel was very well-kept; I was actually surprised. We went to his room, and I felt strangely excited to be in the little place he called home. His bed was made, army barracks style, which did not surprise me at all. He only had one backpack worth of things to get. He paid his fee at the front desk and we left.
“You travel light, don’t you?” I asked him.
“Yes ma’am, I do,” he said.
“So how long have you been staying there? It looked nicer than I was even told,” I said.
“There’s more to my story, Lauren. I’m trying to decide how and when to tell you,” Zack said to me.
I nodded.
“I don’t mean for us to move so fast,” I said. “We can slow everything way down, you know. I’m going to have to find another job I can do one-handed. You’ve got Bethesda…” I said.
I thought both of our moods sunk a little. Was the newness really wearing off so soon? I squeezed his arm tighter with mine. We had something special. I didn’t need more time to know that.
He patted my hand resting on his arm and looked down at me.
“Whatever we decide, let’s decide together,” he said.
I liked the sound of that.
“I feel like I should tell you all of my faults, so you know what you’re getting into,” I said after clearing my throat.
He raised his eyebrows at me. “That’s hardly necessary,” he said.
“That’s nice of you to say, Zack, but seriously. I talk way too much. Everyone says so,” I confessed.
He started laughing.
“That’s one of your faults? That’s one of the things I fell in love with!” he laughed.
I almost stopped dead in my tracks again, but I kept going. Did he say the ‘L’ word? Of course he did. He was talking marriage and commitment. Of course he was going to use the ‘L’ word! I got all fluttery inside at the thought. Was that what I was feeling for him too?
I gave him a sideways glance.
His profile was so handsome, and his expression so serious but content. Could I pledge my love to this man for the rest of my life?
I thought about how he’d been serving me ever since…well ever since right after he mugged me. I wanted to giggle, but I bit my tongue. I hated having to explain how funny I thought that whole fiasco was! I didn’t want him to feel bad, either.
Even now, he was having me tag along to his work so that I wouldn’t be alone. I compared him to Ray, a logical thing for me to do.
Ray had refused to respect me as a person.
Zack had gotten me away from the Mickey Cobras, offered to take me to the hospital…even though that could have gotten him in trouble (if I had turned him in), and helped me get out of shock. He’d seen me safely home a couple times, respected my wishes, and let me figure out how to help myself even with a cast on.
Ray wanted to control everything about me and took away my gun. Not to mention, physically assaulted me.
I really couldn’t believe how wonderful everything was turning out to be.
We weren’t ever going to be rich, but we would have love, and that would be enough.
Zack’s voice broke into my thoughts.
“In answer to your earlier question…I would like to be a couple, if you don’t mind,” he said.
“I would like that very much,” I said.
We were both smiling big when we got to Lonely Nights.
B
renda greeted us and invited us both into her office. That seemed very strange to me, but I wondered what she had to say.
“I wanted to let you know that I officially fired Harley today. He came in for work earlier, and after what Zack told me on the way to pick you up, Lauren, it was an easy decision to make. I noticed when he came in that he had a black eye, and was walking with a noticeable limp,” she said. “I think it’s safe to say he won’t be messing with you anymore, Lauren,” she said with a wink. She turned to Zack.
“I’ll be needing you to pick up Harley’s shifts. Sorry for the late notice, but if you’re able; I can give you a small raise. Harley was earning a little more than you because he’d been a bouncer before,” she said.
Zack smiled at her and spoke.
“Thank you ma’am. That will be great. I have another job that I’ll need to quit, but I would be happy to pick up another shift,” he said.
I smiled inwardly. He would be able to save up faster this way!
“Lauren, I wish I could add more shows for you, but I can’t enough audience to make it worth my while,” she said.
“I understand, Brenda. You’re not running a soup kitchen, you know!” I told her.
She laughed.
“No, I guess I’m not,” she said.
“That’s all, then. Zack, if you could start that extra shift tomorrow, that would be great,” Brenda said.
He nodded and we both stood.
Since I wasn’t working, then I enjoyed some of the show, ordered a small dinner, shared a drink when Zack was on break, and hung out in my tiny broom closet. It was a long several hours, to be honest, but it beat being at home alone and worrying about every creak and squeak in the steps and floorboards.
I loved going home with Zack by my side too.
I barely gave my insurance any thought at all. Dating an Army Ranger definitely had its perks!
“So how are your buddies doing?” I asked Zack when we were about to the train station.
“What do you mean, buddies?” he asked, his voice a little tight.
“You know, your Army Ranger buddies? Aren’t you still in touch?” I asked.
He didn’t answer, and the silence stretched longer the closer we got to the People Mover stop. I made a mental note to myself. Don’t mention buses. Don’t mention buddies. Check.
