by Mari Carr
He’d lost control. Taken her too roughly. He’d let his emotions drive his actions rather than his brain.
He wrapped his arms around her, spooning her in the hay. “Leah—”
She stirred, forcing his hands away. She disentangled from his hold so that she could turn to face him. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
He blinked, confused. She was apologizing to him? “Why? I was the one—”
She pressed her fingers to his lips. “I’ve been lying to you, Saw.”
His heart stopped. “About what?”
She stood up, her face sadder than he’d ever seen it. He resisted the urge to drag her back into his arms.
It was clear she needed the distance. He moved slowly, his bare ass itchy as he sat on the hay. Leah pulled her skirt down and reclaimed her blouse.
Sawyer swallowed heavily. Had he physically hurt her?
Once she was dressed, Leah looked away.
“What did you lie about, Leah?”
“I let you think the sex was enough. I pretended I was fine with being your distraction.”
He’d done the same. “Leah—”
“No. Please, let me say this. I’ve had a crush on you since we were kids. When we were at the party in L.A., all those childish feelings morphed into something deeper, something more. I know your family is going through a rough time and I’m wrong to lay all this at your feet now, but I can’t continue this relationship anymore. I thought I could handle this better if we called it fucking, just sex. It didn’t work. I can’t be with you and pretend I don’t care.”
Sawyer was too shocked to move. Her heart was engaged too. She cared about him.
Leah rubbed her hands along her skirt nervously. “I saw you talking to Beth. I didn’t like it.”
“It was just a conversation.”
She smiled sadly. “I know that, but it still annoyed me. It brought back those stupid emotions I had to deal with in high school. Insecurity, humiliation, loneliness. I can’t be that girl again. But lately, it’s like I’m there again, doing the same things all over. I don’t like hiding how I truly feel and pretending to be okay with something that I’m not.”
None of this was her fault. It was his. All his. “I’m sorry about tonight. I shouldn’t have taken you like that. I saw you with Jake and everything went red. I lost my head.”
She smiled sadly. “Damn. Guess I lied again.”
He frowned, but before he could ask her what she meant, she said, “I told you I wanted a man to take control in the bedroom. Looks like what I really needed was a man to lose control. Don’t apologize. It was hot. A perfect swan song.”
He swallowed heavily. “No.” He stood quickly, but Leah was too fast, too dressed. She was at the top of the ladder before he had his jeans in his hands.
“Leah, wait.”
She paused after climbing on to the top rung. “I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. Goodbye, Sawyer.”
She descended as he rushed to pull on his jeans, calling out her name as she continued to walk out of the barn. By the time, he made it to the driveway, her taillights were all he could see as she drove away. He stood by the door of the barn for a long time, JD’s words haunting him. Some girls will leave you wanting more than a tumble in the hayloft.
Leah was that girl. She made him want everything.
He stared off into the distance, then headed toward the house, clenching his T-shirt in his hands. He was barefoot, but he didn’t care. He didn’t intend to rejoin the party. He was going upstairs to figure out where the hell things had gone so wrong.
“Damn. That’s a heavy look for a celebration.”
Sawyer had been so preoccupied he hadn’t seen JD sitting on the front porch.
“What are you doing out here?”
JD leaned against the cushions of the rocking chair and sighed. “I watched the party for a bit until your mother and Lucy ganged up on me and put me in bed. I couldn’t sleep, so I snuck out here for some fresh air. Thought I’d enjoy the moonlight.”
Sawyer put his shirt on, then glanced at the sky. “It’s a bright one tonight.”
“Where have you been? I figure Beth’s back there right now, looking for a dance partner.”
Sawyer grinned at JD’s small dig. His father had jokingly referred to Beth as the stalker when Sawyer dated her in high school. Teased him mercilessly for her fervent, almost manic devotion to him. “I snuck away with Leah.”
JD nodded, gently swaying in the rocking chair, his walker beside him like a silent guardian, reminding Sawyer of exactly how much his life was changing.
“Yeah, I figured as much by her hasty escape and your lack of clothing. ‘Bout damn time you and little Leah Hollister finally managed to open your eyes and find each other.”
Sawyer claimed the porch swing. “What’s that supposed to mean? As I recall, it was you who talked me out of asking her to senior prom.”
JD chuckled. “Son. Your mother constantly tells you how much you’re like me. Have you ever thought about what that means?”
Sawyer shrugged. “I figured out it’s not a compliment. She usually says that at the same time she’s yelling at me for being a cocky ass.”
JD took a handkerchief from his pocket and ran it over his face. It wasn’t a particularly warm evening, but Sawyer could see the sheen of sweat on his father’s brow. “Yeah. That’s about right. Vicky’s always accused me of having too much of that particular trait myself. I like to tell her she’s confusing cockiness for confidence.”
Sawyer nodded. “That’s a good line. I’ll have to remember that.”
JD shrugged. “I have my moments. Not that it ever fooled your mother. Thing is, when you were in school, you had too much of that damn confidence. You strutted around like you were a football god and a stud with the girls.”
Sawyer wished he could deny it, but his father nailed him pretty good. “Yeah. Guess I did. Don’t know what that has to do with me taking Leah to prom though.”
“You were a week away from graduating and two months from joining the Coast Guard. Only thing on your mind at that time was getting laid. There were plenty of other girls sniffing around you to scratch that itch, Beth standing at the front of the line.”
“Why not Leah?”
JD shook his head. “Every time that girl came around here, you grew up.”
Sawyer frowned. “What do you mean?”
“The cockiness disappeared. You stopped strutting and became real. It was the only time I got a good glimpse of the man you were going to be.”
Sawyer swallowed heavily. “I didn’t realize that.”
“Of course you didn’t. You were pretty stupid in those days.”
They laughed, but the action caught up to JD, who started coughing roughly. The sound ripped at Sawyer’s guts. “You want some water?”
JD shook his head, taking several deep, relieved breaths when the spell passed. “No. I’m okay now.”
They sat in silence for several moments and Sawyer’s mind raced over all the things he wanted to say to his father. His whole life he’d looked up to JD, aspired to be him when he grew up. He’d never idolized athletes or rock stars, never wanted anything more than to be a man his father would be proud of.
He recalled what Sam said about the wedding making JD stronger. “I think I’m in love with her, JD.”
His father pierced him with a gaze that saw too much. “Maybe you’re still a bit stupid after all.”
Sawyer frowned. “What do you mean?”
“There’s no think about it. You’re head over heels for that girl and have been your whole life. You haven’t told her that, have you?”
Sawyer shook his head as he recalled how sad she’d looked when she left the hayloft. The only words he’d managed were want and need. He’d given her no glimpse of what was truly in his heart. “No.”
“What’s holding you back?”
Sawyer leaned forward, placed his elbows on his knees, trying to find a way to explain.
“It’s not exactly a good time, JD.”
His father snorted. “Bullshit. Don’t you dare blame your cowardice on my illness. Whether I’m alive or dead, it makes no difference in the way you feel about that girl.”
“I don’t have a job, JD. I’m floundering around here on this ranch with no goals, no idea what my future holds.”
“Sam said he told you about the sheriff position.”
Sawyer nodded. “He did.”
“Seemed to think you might be interested in it.”
Sawyer ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah. I think that might be something I’d like to try.”
“Guess the real question is if you plan to stick around. Did you come home for the right reasons?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Son, if you don’t want to live in Compton Pass, if you miss that ocean of yours, now is the time to say so. Coming home for me or for Leah is a piss-poor excuse. If this place doesn’t call to you, if it isn’t going to make you happy, then you need to get your ass on a plane and head back to the coast.”
Sawyer shook his head. “I’m staying. I belong here.”
JD rubbed his chin. “You know, Compton Pass doesn’t exactly offer some of the more specialized distractions you probably enjoyed in the bigger cities.”
It was the closest JD had ever come to asking him outright about his sexual proclivities. “You’d be surprised.”
JD grinned. “No. I don’t think I would. So I guess it boils down to you getting your head out of your ass and telling that girl what’s in your heart.”
Sawyer laughed. “Christ, you’re the second person to mention my head-in-ass affliction.”
“I’m glad you’re home, Sawyer.”
Sawyer swallowed heavily. The lump that had started to form with Leah’s hasty departure tripled in size. “I am too, Pa.”
“Sawyer,” his father said quietly.
“Yeah?”
“I’m going to need some help getting to bed.” JD avoided his gaze.
Sawyer gently lifted his father from the rocking chair. He supported most of JD’s weight as they made the slow trek down the hall to his parents’ bedroom. He tucked his father into bed. Then Sawyer claimed the seat Lucy had moved in earlier in the week, so JD could receive visitors.
The two of them sat in silence for a nearly an hour, listening to the light strains of music drifting from the backyard. Eventually JD accompanied it with soft snoring. For days, Sawyer had struggled to say the things he needed to tell his father. He realized sometimes words weren’t necessary.
Peace seeped into his bones and the world finally clicked into place.
He was home.
His family would be fine.
He loved Leah.
Chapter Nine
Sawyer looked out at the bright morning sunshine. It was a great day for a wedding. He stretched and rubbed his neck, a groan crossing his lips.
“That doesn’t sound good.”
He turned as Silas and Colby joined him on the side porch. He’d come out for fresh air and to hide from his mother, who was on a rampage, worrying about a bunch of shit that didn’t matter as far as he could tell. She’d spent half the morning fretting over the fact the yellow flowers were too large for the bouquets.
“Yeah, well, blame it on our brothers. I lugged tables and chairs from the barn all day yesterday for that rehearsal dinner only to have to drag them into some different configuration this morning for the wedding. I’m fucking cooked.”
Colby slapped him on the back. “I feel your pain, bro. Lucy and Vicky have had me towing so much shit around this week, I’m afraid I’m going to start braying like a pack mule.”
Sawyer chuckled, but Silas never cracked a smile. “Wish I’d been able to help more.”
Colby rolled his eyes. “Please. I figure Saw and I got off easy. Noticed Lucy had you decorating cookies last night.”
“No way.” Sawyer laughed. “Hot damn. Looks like Karma got you after all. That’s what you get for not calling me about JD.”
Silas scowled and pointed his finger at Colby. “First of all, you weren’t supposed to fucking say anything about the cookies and secondly,—” he looked at Sawyer, “—what the hell are you talking about? Karma? What kind of hippie bullshit is that? You didn’t join up with one of those cult things in San Francisco, did you?”
Sawyer shook his head, grinning. “Nope. I’m cult-free. Promise.”
Silas sighed, then grabbed a nearby chair to sit. He rubbed his thigh, wincing. When Si thought no one was looking, Sawyer had caught his brother doing more strenuous work than he should to help with the wedding preparations. Silas had taken great care to hide that fact from Lucy and Colby, so Sawyer didn’t call him out for it. He understood pride far too well.
Silas studied him for a long time. “It’s good to be here together. I know the rest of us have been on the ranch for a while, but it didn’t start to feel like home again until you stepped out of that car two weeks ago.”
Sawyer grinned. “Is that you’re way of saying you missed me?”
“Jesus. You and Colby are fucking killing me today. Damn wedding is making everybody act like pansy-asses.”
“Sorry. I’ll try to limit the rest of my interactions with you today to belching and off-color jokes.”
Si punched him lightly on the shoulder. “That’s all I ask.”
“There you guys are.” Lucy rushed into the room. “Colby, Si, do you guys mind touching base with the bartender Vicky hired? Apparently he’s having trouble with the keg and that doo-hickey that goes on top of it.”
“Some bartender,” Silas grumbled, rising slowly. “Can’t even tap a damn keg.”
Sawyer hated seeing his brother struggling to get around, but he was grateful to have his brother here when he considered how close Si had come to losing his life in the oil-rig accident. Silas’s friend, Red, hadn’t been so lucky.
Colby and Silas followed Lucy out, leaving Sawyer alone again. He leaned on the railing and sighed. It was peaceful on this side of the house. For a moment, he could pretend there weren’t nearly a hundred folks—friends and family—gathering in the backyard.
Sawyer turned when he heard a wolf whistle coming from the door. He grinned when he spotted Leah checking him out. She’d come to find him. That fact gave him hope.
She was smiling at him, though her eyes betrayed her nervousness. “Dayum. You clean up real good, cowboy.”
His gaze took in her pastel-green sundress. “I don’t hold a candle to you. You look incredible.”
She propped her guitar against a wall. “You ready for your big walk down the aisle?”
Sawyer shook his head. “Jesus. I can’t believe I let Cindi and Jody talk me into this.”
“Viral wedding marches are all the rage these days. Don’t you watch YouTube?”
“I like to limit my Internet usage to porn and fantasy football.”
“Ah,” she said. “Nice to know you’re focused on the really important things.”
He shrugged. “It’s a talent.” She stepped closer and he couldn’t resist touching her. He ran his fingers through her hair, glad she’d opted to leave it down. “You ready for your song?”
“Yep. Been practicing for days. I’m pretty sure if I never hear it again, it’ll be too soon.”
“Can’t wait to hear you sing. Listen, Leah. Can we talk?”
She adjusted the bowtie on his tuxedo and gave him an anxious smile. “Yeah. I think we should. I was wrong to run off last night without giving you a chance to respond. I let my fear get the better of me.”
He fought to keep his cock from responding to her hands on him. The wedding march was going to be painful enough without trying to hide a hard-on at the same time. “What were you afraid of?”
“Rejection. I figured you couldn’t tell me to get lost if I wasn’t there to hear it. JD yanked me aside just now and gave me an earful for it.”
“He did?”
“He
told me the Leah he knew didn’t run from anything, and he fully expected me to stand my ground and hear you out before this day was through. He really gave it to me.” She smiled. His father’s chastisement hadn’t truly upset her. “For the first time in my life, I sort of felt what it’s like to have a father.”
Her voice broke slightly.
Sawyer’s heart twinged at her admission. “You called him JD.”
She laughed, though there was a definite sheen of tears in her eyes. “He made me say it to his face again. Three times.”
Sawyer cupped her cheek. “I’m glad the old man is reverting to character and interfering. Used to drive me nuts in high school, but today—”
“Sawyer? Leah?” Vicky peeked her head out of the house. “You ready? We’re about to start.”
Sawyer sighed. He’d been a fool to try to have this conversation now. “Guess so.”
Leah gave him a tense glance, then a quick kiss on the cheek. “Finish this after the wedding?”
He nodded.
She looked like she had more to say, but couldn’t with Vicky watching them. She wrung her hands nervously. Clearly she was expecting the worse. She turned to leave.
“Hey, wait.” To heck with his mom. He took Leah’s hand and drew her toward him. He kissed her, trying hard to infuse it with as much passion as possible. “This isn’t going to be a bad talk,” he whispered. “Promise.”
Sawyer caught a glimpse of his mother’s beaming face. Vicky obviously didn’t object to her son’s public show of affection. He would be subjected to the third degree from her later. He figured the only thing holding her back the last few days had been the wedding plans.
Leah’s smile returned, her face clearing. “Okay. See you at the altar.”
She picked up her guitar and followed Vicky into the house. Sawyer stared after her, feeling like a lovesick fool, wishing they were meeting at the altar for a different reason, a much more romantic one.
Sam appeared at the door. “There you are. You ready?”
Sawyer nodded.
“You have the ring?”
He pulled Cindi’s wedding band out of his pocket. “I’ve got it covered, bro. No worries.”
“Great. Thanks.” Sam walked out on the porch and tugged at the shirtsleeves beneath his Brioni tuxedo. His brother may be back in the country, but something told Sawyer they’d never break Sam of all his citified ways and expensive tastes. “I can’t believe how fast all of this is happening. Three months ago I was in New York, working my ass off for a promotion and trying to hook up with a woman in the office. Didn’t even know Cindi.”
