She was prepared for the nights to be the most difficult in terms of loneliness and despair, but to her surprise it was the mornings that were hardest. At night she would fall into bed, throw an arm over Rupert and lose consciousness almost immediately. She woke up in the mornings, however, with a feeling of excitement that withered as soon as she realized that Carrie was gone forever. Crying through her shower became a new morning ritual.
She thought she had a handle on it, but 12 days after returning from the mountains, one of the doctors pulled her aside and offered to give her a physical and run some blood tests. Gretchen had not been aware that her emotional distress was a visible phenomenon. She reassured him that she would be fine and he reluctantly backed off, but as a wake up call it was extremely effective. She had been ignoring Janelle's pestering about eating and when she stepped on the office scale to discover that she had lost 14 pounds, she was horrified. Looking at her face in the mirror she realized how gaunt she had become. All of her bones seemed to be more prominent and she was embarrassed that she had let it come to this.
When she started eating again she began to feel better. Her evening runs with Rupert stopped being debilitating and her mind became clearer. She still missed Carrie something terrible, but the memories no longer seemed to be eating her alive.
At the last minute she decided to attend group. It wasn't that she felt that she was getting a lot out of it, but just having the support available to her made her feel better. Most of the evening was devoted to a new member, Paula, whose longtime companion had recently died of pancreatic cancer. She seemed to be in shock, not quite convinced that tragedy had come knocking at her door. Gretchen was glad to hear that she was also going to a therapist and had come to their group just to be around other people instead of sitting alone in her empty house.
Before the evening broke up, Kirsten fixed Gretchen with a concerned stare. "You've lost weight."
"I've already gained some of it back," Gretchen said easily.
"Were you sick?"
It was far easier to smudge the truth than explain. "Yes. But I'm feeling much better now."
"And emotionally?" Rachel asked. "Are you sorry you left her up in the mountains?"
Gretchen's heart screamed Yes! "I do miss her more than I expected," she admitted. "But I did the right thing."
Driving home afterwards, she realized that listening to someone else's bereavement had lightened some of her own. She wasn't sure whether to feel bad about gaining some peace of mind from Paula's loss or not. Considering that she had not taken any pleasure from Paula's story, she decided that she was probably pretty normal and left it at that.
The next two weeks were better. Her health improved and she stopped feeling so tired. An echo of sadness accompanied her at all times and she still woke up with the agony of loss, but she seemed to have the strength to handle it. The first time she laughed at something in the office, Janelle got tears in her eyes and hugged her.
"I've missed you," she whispered.
"Have I been that bad?"
Janelle's face was fully open to her. "Yes."
That a simple chuckle would bring such a response from her dearest friend made Gretchen feel terrible.
"I've seen you pick up the pieces of your life more times than I can count," Janelle said quietly. "This is different. You're doing all the things you're supposed to do, but you…" Janelle poked at her chest. "You never came home."
Janelle went back to work and Gretchen shuffled papers, unable to concentrate on anything. She felt vaguely angry, but she knew her friend was right. She had left something important on that small beach and she didn't want to admit it. I just need more time. It'll pass.
The next group meeting came and Gretchen sat quietly on Rachel's couch. Something seemed different and after a time she realized that it was Noreen. She seemed to be watching everyone with a secret smile. They began to keep an eye on each other and even though Gretchen knew that something was about to happen, she was still surprised when Noreen spoke into a moment of silence.
"I'm not coming to group anymore. It's time for me to move on."
Gretchen's smile grew as the others sat in stunned shock. Rachel recovered first. "Good for you, Noreen. What changed for you?"
"Something Gretchen said on the camping trip."
"Me?"
"'Permission to stop hurting'. Remember?"
Gretchen nodded.
"It's not in control of me anymore. I knew it when you said it, but I wanted to be sure. Now I am. I feel better every day and as much as I enjoy being with all of you, I need to get on with my life. I need to stop dwelling on the past and start planning for my future."
Gretchen was happy for Noreen and added her good wishes to those of the group. When the meeting broke up, she followed Noreen to her truck. "Noreen? I want to tell you something and I only hope it doesn't come out all twisted up."
Noreen put her elbow up on the side of the truck bed and crossed one foot over the other. "Shoot."
Gretchen took a deep breath. "I don't really see us being the kind of friends who hang out and talk on the phone. Do you?"
"Honestly? No. We're too different."
"Good," Gretchen said with relief. "I just wanted you to know that I'm your friend anyway. We don't have to be buddies, but…I like you. I don't expect we'll see each other much, but I care about you anyway. Am I making any sense?"
Noreen laughed easily. "Yeah. I know exactly what you're saying and the same goes for me."
They hugged briefly, but hard and Noreen got in her truck. Gretchen turned to walk away, but Noreen called her name and she went back to the open window. Noreen leaned out and reached for her hand. "I want to say something to you, too. I never met your lady in the mountains, but I know she was special to you. As your friend, I'm telling you that you're an idiot for letting her get away."
Gretchen tried to make a joke out of it. "That seems to be the general consensus."
"What does that tell you? Figure it out, Gretchen."
She stood there with nothing to say as Noreen started up her truck and drove away.
~***~
Chapter Fourteen
The rituals of everyday life got easier, but when she didn't have anything else to do, Gretchen's head was filled with other people's words. You're the best time I've ever had. You never came home. You're an idiot for letting her get away. The most important thing is that we love each other. Figure it out, Gretchen. Are you sorry you left her up in the mountains?
The only escape was distraction. In the midst of deep cleaning her little house she decided it needed painting. She coaxed her landlord into springing for half the cost of the paint-more than willing to pay for the other half herself just so she'd have something constructive to do-and two days later she laid on the first brush stroke. Janelle offered to help if Gretchen kept the stereo and the beer running and in only a week the inside of her house took on a warm and creamy yellow cast. After years of dingy white, it was an exciting change and well worth the cost and the lingering paint fumes.
The landlord dropped by a few days afterwards and was so pleased with the results he wrote her a check on the spot for her half of the expense. The pride she felt over a job well done made her mood improve and even if the voices still plagued her in her private moments, she felt a little more like her old self.
The one thing she needed most and wanted least was a social life. Going to Rachel's group could only be considered marginally social, and as enjoyable as spending time with Janelle was, she knew it was time to start getting out on her own. The problem was, none of the people she had socialized with were satisfying to her anymore and none of the things she used to do made her feel good. Going to the local gay bar on Saturday nights had just become loud and depressing. She tried going to small casual dinners with old friends, but they were focused on finding her a new lover and none of the women they introduced her to ignited any sparks.
It occurred to her at one point that she was c
omparing them all to Carrie, but she honestly couldn't see how that was a bad thing. After all the failed relationships she had been in, maybe it was time to raise her standards to a new level. She had a perfect track record of choosing the wrong woman. She was more than willing to spend some time alone if it meant that she could avoid some future heartbreak and wait for a woman she could build a life with.
Her memory of Carrie began to be a source of pleasure for her when drawn out in moderation. If she allowed herself to dwell on their time together it was too painful, but she could wonder from time to time what Carrie would think or do or feel about whatever Gretchen was experiencing and it gave her a warm glow. It became a subconscious game for her. The flowers in her yard gave her more pleasure when she imagined Carrie admiring them. She spent one long Sunday afternoon looking at clothes with a mind to how Carrie would look in that sweater and what she would think of Gretchen in this skirt.
She didn't realize how pervasive her thoughts had become until she found herself in the grocery store one day trying to pick out a wine Carrie might like and saw her double walking past the end of the aisle. She searched the store from one end to the other and could not find a woman who even remotely resembled Carrie. She left the store feeling hollow and exposed, determined to get her habits under control.
The very next day she could have sworn she saw Carrie driving the opposite direction on Main Street. It gave her the shakes and she had to pull over while she got over them. She told herself that she was being ridiculous; she would probably not even recognize Carrie fully clothed, but it was small consolation to her heart.
The third incident happened on her way to work several days later. There was no way she could go back to see if the woman walking into the Oak Furniture Warehouse really looked like Carrie or if she was losing her mind without being late to her job.
Gretchen grabbed a cup of coffee first thing and almost ran into Janelle in the hall.
"Hey, watch where you point that thing," Janelle said of her coffee cup.
"Sorry. I'm a little distracted."
"What's up?"
Gretchen glanced around. There were too many people near and they would be busy soon. "Are you free for lunch?"
"Are you buying?"
Gretchen nodded and headed for her desk. She was aware that Janelle studied her now and then during the long morning, but there just wasn't time to talk.
Lunchtime gradually rolled around and they walked next door to the hospital cafeteria. "You don't look so good," Janelle said to start her talking.
"I think I'm going nuts."
"Why do you think that?"
Gretchen wasn't very comfortable saying it out loud, but it was the only way. "I keep catching glimpses of women who remind me of Carrie."
"How long has it been since you last saw her?"
Embarrassed that she knew without having to think about it, Gretchen hid her face. "Seven weeks, five days and about six hours. Pitiful, huh?"
Janelle put her arm through Gretchen's with a laugh. "Yeah, but it's cute, too. I'll bet your memory of precisely how she looked is starting to blur and that's why you're suddenly seeing her."
Gretchen thought this was doubtless true, but it made her sad. "It's funny though. The glimpses seem to make my memory clearer. I remember how she looked better after I think I've seen her. Not her features so much, but the long lines of her and the way her hair layers over her shoulders."
"Do you regret saying goodbye to her?"
Janelle's eyes were full of sympathy and it gave Gretchen the courage to tell the truth. "Sometimes I miss her so bad I can hardly breathe. I know I did the right thing, but sometimes I do regret it."
Janelle hugged her arm. "You seem so certain that she loves you. Maybe you should try to find her and just talk."
"No." Gretchen shook her head and opened the hospital's side door for her. "I'm sure it will pass. I just need more time."
"I wonder if she imagines that she sees you, too?"
Gretchen didn't want to think about that. She needed to believe that Carrie was getting on with her life. "How's it going with Carlos? It's getting close to two months that you've been going out and I still haven't met him."
"If I hadn't been to his house I might think he was married. I only get to see him on the weekends. I really like him and I think he likes me, too, but I'm starting to think that something's not quite right."
Gretchen made the appropriate noises, asked questions in the right places and let Janelle carry the conversation through lunch.
~***~
Chapter Fifteen
Gretchen couldn't help but keep an eye out for anyone who looked like Carrie as she drove to group that night. It made her feel a little hunted, but somewhere in town was a woman she needed to see up close so she could stop reacting every time she saw her. She resolved that the very next time she thought she saw Carrie, she would stop whatever she was doing and find her.
She sat quietly in group, letting the others talk and replayed images in her mind, trying to find something about this new woman she was seeing that didn't mesh with her memories. At some point she realized that the room was silent and everyone was looking at her. "Sorry," she said with a start. "Did you ask me something?"
Rachel chuckled. "I asked how things were going with you, but you seem a little preoccupied. Is everything okay?"
"Yes. I'm fine." Now that she had an opportunity to talk, she wanted to. "I've been trying to be more social, but it seems like everything has changed. The things I used to do for fun just don't seem fun anymore."
"Like what?" Brooke asked.
"Going to the bar on Saturday nights. Visiting with old friends. A couple of women have asked me out, but I seem to know right away that it's pointless. I just don't have feelings for them."
"And your feelings for Alaine?" Rachel asked.
Gretchen waved her hand dismissively. "I haven't even thought of her for weeks. She's ancient history."
Wendy spoke cautiously. "So you're not mad at her anymore?"
Gretchen shook her head. "No. I hope she finds whatever she's looking for and it makes her happy."
"Why are you still coming to group?" Linda sounded more curious than belligerent for once.
"To be honest, I don't think I ever came to group because of Alaine. I think I was coming because I felt somehow defective. Alaine was the longest relationship of my life and I guess I thought that I was doing something wrong that my lovers never stayed."
"Do you still think that?" Paula asked.
Gretchen realized that she didn't, at least not on an intellectual level. "No. I don't."
Rachel smiled. "So why do you have such trouble keeping women around?"
Gretchen smiled back. "A lifetime of poor choices, I guess. I think I've always chosen women who were available or because they seemed to want me. I don't know if it's because I was trained to do what other people want or if I'm just weak, but the end result was one bad choice after another. Maybe that's what I was doing wrong."
"Did you ever love any of those women?"
Gretchen sighed. "I thought so at the time, but I'm not sure I ever knew what love was. I think I was hunting for crumbs of love. I don't think it speaks very well of me that I was willing to be with anyone who showed an interest in me. If someone kissed me it was love. If someone said I was beautiful it was love. If someone liked me as a friend it was love."
"Why? What started that pattern?"
"It has to be my family." Gretchen saw her whole life in new terms. "All my life I was given love when I obeyed and conformed and performed. When I did what they thought I should, they loved me. When I looked the way I should or said what I was supposed to say, they gave me love. If I ever stepped out of line, they took it away. When I came out to them as a lesbian, they never got over it. I ended up moving out here to get away from their disapproval and their rules, but now it looks like I brought all of their baggage with me. I think I choose women who don't really care about me be
cause that's the kind of love I'm accustomed to getting."
"What about the woman you met on the camping trip?" Brooke asked.
Paula looked around. "What woman?"
Linda leaned towards Paula. "We went on a camping trip a couple of months ago and Gretchen met someone. She spent most of the trip with her, but they decided not to see each other again. I'm not sure why."
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