by Liz Lorde
I laughed, “Don’t be so afraid of me. I only bite assholes like Hunter.”
“Yeah,” he said, “so what happened? I mean, I hear shit second hand,” he explained lifting his chin up and having it hover above his arms. “Kind of goes with mostly being at the club as muscle, hard to keep up on shit.”
“You mean what happened between me and Hunter?”
“Yeah.”
My stomach dropped, the truth would get me killed. If any of them knew, I’d be drawn and quartered on the spot. “You can’t tell anyone,” I said with much sincerity.
“I won’t,” Brian promised, resting his chin back on his arms and shifting around in the chair.
“I did something bad,” I started, trying to formulate what I could say versus all that I felt. Confession would have been sweet, sweeter than anything really. But confessing was never easy, it was always something that we seemed to put off – to a friend, to a family member, to a lover. Confession was always next time, it was always tomorrow and never today. Veiled and hinted at and implied, and all the hurt that surrounded with it; you think you can overcome it, like it’s an obstacle and if you keep quiet you’ll be rewarded in some way.
I sighed and then took in a breath. “Something really bad, but for good reasons. Part of me wanted to come clean to him, about what happened – or really, what was happening. But I felt trapped.”
Pooh Bear rocked his head against his arms, “We all get that way, sometimes. Not to interrupt, but even though I’m sure from your perspective we come across as hardasses, which we are, really. But we’re people too. Mistakes are just in our nature.”
“I slept with someone,” the lies came off of my tongue bitterly. I did not care for this bluff, the reality of the situation was much more complicated. “And we fought, naturally.”
“Was it just the one time?”
“Yeah,” I averted my gaze from those intense, almond colored eyes.
“If it was a mistake, then that’s good. Mistakes you can get by. You can learn from them,” Bear dipped away from the chair and reached into his pocket, pulling out a cigarette and a lighter, “you smoke?”
“No, not anymore, thanks.”
A short laugh rolled from his chest, “Yeah, probably shouldn’t be doing them either. It’s fucked up, you know?”
I nodded.
He didn’t immediately lite the cigarette, and he seemed to space out for just a measure of time. “Killed my grandmother,” he said in this dead voice, still looking at nothing. “Killed my mother, too.”
Pinpricks of empathy washed over my body, and a sense of pity dug through my heart, “I’m sorry, that’s horrible,” I offered.
His eyes flicked to me, and then he smiled a sad smile. Like he had always feared to show emotion, and that he was only getting lucky with revealing himself in this moment. “Yeah,” he said absently. “It is. But still…still I do it,” he slowly brought the stick to his lips and after another beat of consideration, lit the end of it cherry red. He took a long drag and exhaled strings of rising smoke, “it’s all messed up at birth, I think.”
“What is?” Genuine curiosity laced my voice, the pillow that I was gripping so tightly now resting on my lap.
“Being human.”
***
Brian stayed with me for another ten minutes after he finished his smoke, and then kindly took his leave back to guarding the door. I hadn’t gotten a lot of real sleep last night, even with Hunter and Barristan by my side – so I decided to try and catch at least a couple of z’s.
As always, my rest was short lived when I picked up the faint sounds of commotion just outside my half sanctum, half prison. Groggily rising from Hunter’s bed, I crawled closer to the edge and listened. I could hear Pooh Bear and that other dude, the one that looked like a rock star, talking to some girl. Couple of minutes passed with conversation that I failed to make out, before I realized the feminine voice in question was Holly.
Just as I was getting to my feet, the door opened and I could see the anger clear on the lines of Holly’s face. Pooh Bear and the biker beside him gave me hopeless looks just before she shut the door and started towards me.
I straightened myself out, “With a scowl like that I’d hate to see you on your monthly.”
Holly closed the distance between us her feline-esque green eyes narrowing, “What are you doing back here?”
“I’m here, because there are bad people in this world. Sick, twisted individuals. What are you doing here?” I could feel the edge rising in my voice.
Holly shook her head, “Hunter’s been miserable without you,” she admitted, though she looked a bit disgusted at the words that left her lips. “Hate to say it,” see? “But you being here? Are you two, are you two back together?”
“What’s it to you?” I inched closer, the heat raking against my chest. She may have been close to him once, and maybe I was naïve enough to believe that there really wasn’t anything true remaining between them. Hunter never had given me any impression that he was still in love with the girl.
Holly gave me a derisive laugh, “You’re fire, girl,” she said simply, “everything you touch burns. I’m just surprised he hasn’t put a bullet in your head. Even Reyes is afraid to touch you.”
“I’m not a danger to you,” I crossed my arms over one another, “or the club for that matter. Not unless you give me a reason to be,” a chill ran through me, I hadn’t known that they were floating the idea of killing me. “Just know I had my reasons, okay? Despite you threatening me, I know you guys are good – for the most part.”
Holly’s chest rose in a breath and her jaw jumped briefly with anger, “If you have reasons,” she exhaled a short breath through her nose, nodding her head and raising her brows, “now is the time to clue me in.”
I’d just spun a lie with Brian, but only because he didn’t know a damn thing about what was going on. “I’m not telling you shit,” I said without really thinking. I was frustrated with her, and tired of being seen as the villain in this story – but my mother and I were proud creatures, stubborn things. If I told her about mom, would she truly understand? I couldn’t have any doubt if I was going to spill my personal life to this woman.
“Tell me, Jessica,” she said, her expression softening a bit. She swallowed when I didn’t respond, “Hunter’s turned into an idiot for you, and just thinks the fuckin’ world of you. Tell me what I’m missing,” her jaw relaxed, and she took a second to add, “please,” as if she had to chew glass just for saying it.
I drew in a deep breath and sighed, closing my eyes for a spell. Opening them, I turned from Holly and sat down on the end of the bed, gesturing for her to take a seat.
With a heavy heart, I let her into my secluded world of pain and madness.
Chapter 34
Hunter
Even the air tasted better when I got back to the bar. Reyes went home and Jameson went off to tell Brad what we’d done; wasn’t like us to sanction a hit like that without a vote, without the usual time to think and prepare – to go about it with clear minds.
But my mind was clear. And my heart was gorged on the terrifying justice that we’d served.
At this point the bar was getting ready to close, so when I went inside with plastic bag in hand, I wasn’t surprised to see Mozz sweeping the place clean. After saying hello and dropping off what D’angelo had requested, I stomped my way upstairs and to the hall just outside my room. Out at the very back was my place, where much to my relief Tommy and Pooh Bear were still holding it down. Yellow light came down from the old bulb that hung a couple feet down from the ceiling, casting it’s glow along the stiff wooden boards that’d seen many, various shoes. On either sides of the hall were two dark green doors. One, being the office that Brad used on occasion – mostly just to store paperwork and other legalities. The other serving as a holding spot for our liquor, various beers and some basic cleaning supplies – a super-sized liquor closet of sorts.
Making my way
over to the two brothers, I raised my chin at them – moving with a satisfied swagger to my step. “Guys are the best,” I said smoothly, laughing lightly as my hand clasped with Tommy and then Pooh Bear. “Thanks for this.”
Tommy, who was only just patched into the club as a Man of Mayhem, flashed his exceptionally white teeth at me. “It’s no problem boss,” I sometimes wondered if he resented me, being that I still wasn’t patched in and I pulled more weight than he did, “’cept there was one slip up.”
“Oh?” I asked, looking between the two.
Pooh Bear answered, running the palm of his hand along the tips of his spiked hair, “Yeah. Holly came by, tried to tell her you said nobody – but you know, not like we’re gonna hit her.”
“Was she pissed?”
Tommy clicked his tongue, “Hell hath no fury like Holly.”
Pooh Bear shrugged, “Yeah, kind of. But she seemed cool on the way out, and I talked—“
Tommy cracked a sly smile and wagged his eyebrows, turning away from both me and Bear.
I looked pointedly at Pooh Bear.
“I talked to her, to Jessica,” he admitted, a goofy smile appearing on his face, “just for a minute, to keep her company. Seems like she’s doing okay.”
“Alright,” I felt a twinge of jealousy run through me, even though I knew that it didn’t mean anything – and I took him for his word. He was a good man, of that I had no doubt. “Alright, well you guys, I owe you. Next time you need something, give me a ring or a holler – whatever you need, you hear?” The fiery rivulets still worked their way through my system, but the men gave their pleasantries and said their goodnights.
Opening up the door slowly, I peeked on inside. It was dark, and there was no noise to be heard save for Tom and Bear’s steps; and Mozz’s occasional whistling. I closed the door quiet as a mouse and began to move whisper-soft towards Jessica as she slept. Just being around her was like swimming through static, made the old bones feel more alive and kept my heart honest.
I watched her beautiful body for just a second, wondrously fascinated how a creature could be so breathtaking even as she slept. The simple act of watching her chest rise and fall. I sat down beside her and gently put my hand on her shoulder, rocking at her, “Jess,” I whispered.
She didn’t even budge.
“Jessica,” I tried again, this time to more success, having her manage a “huh” from her disorientated state. “Babe it’s me,” I called out a little louder this time.
Her eyes shot open, face wrinkling up in confusion and her body shooting backwards in some initial wake up panic. “H—unter?” She cleared her throat and rubbed at her eyes with the back of her dainty, pale hands. “You’re back already?”
I brought myself up further along the bed, so that my back was against the wall and I could sit next to her. “Yeah,” I whispered, “it’s done.”
She considered my words for a moment with her exhausted face, those brilliant green eyes still held their shine even in the dark of the moon. “You mean…you—“
“Yeah,” I affirmed, putting my hand tentatively on her shoulder and squeezing, “you don’t have to worry no more. No more, baby,” I felt the need for something well up in my eye, but I pushed the feeling back down, “he’s gone now. For good.”
Jessica’s eyes rounded slightly, and her chin dipped – chest rising and falling. “You must think I’m an idiot,” she mumbled, “for not going to the police.”
A short burst of laughter rolled from my throat and I craned an arm around the back of her neck, letting my big hand drape over her chest lazily, pulling her over to me. “You forget who you’re talking to here?” I quipped, “in these parts, with these men. These brothers and sisters? We take pride in making our own law. You got your reasons, and that’s all that matters, Jess.”
She leaned into my touch, pressing the side of her face against my shoulder. We sat there for a few in silence, chewing on our thoughts and trying to wrap our hearts around the roller coaster of emotion that we’d gotten on together. Finally, with her hand hugging at my hip, she broke the silence. “Is it bad,” she started, “that I’m trying to picture how he suffered?”
I could feel the hurt and the confusion radiating off her being, her next breath coming uneven, ragged. My voice was cold, firm, “He suffered. He deserved every painful inch and more.”
She gripped me a little tighter then, and there was a smaller lull of quiet. “Holly paid me a visit.”
“Heard.”
“She wasn’t happy,” Jessica said.
“Rarely is,” I took her hand in mine and brought it up to my lips.
“It wasn’t an easy conversation.”
“Sure it wasn’t,” I planted a long, affectionate kiss on the knuckles of her hand.
“We almost came to blows.”
“Ah,” I said, looking into her eyes, “I’d expect nothing less. You’re fire and she’s gasoline.”
Jessica’s lip curled into a lazy smile, “To smooth things out we made out. Right here on your bed,” she pointed for emphasis.
My eyes widened, and I leaned in towards Jessica’s mouth, eyebrows gliding up, “And you didn’t think to make a tape? There’s a real market for that stuff.”
“If we did I’d make sure you never saw it,” Jessica teased as our lips came together.
It was a hot kiss. And a long one. Full of need, as though we’d been fasting our whole lives for this one ephemeral embrace. She backed away after that fleeting, perfect instant and her eyes drank my face deep. But I hadn’t had enough, I never could. Electricity caressed me, and my heart beat a little faster. I went in again, and she tasted divine. Our lips smacked together, and moans escaped us as our tongues flicked in an intricate rhythm. I moved on top of her and pressed her against the wall, my hands gliding all across waist and up to her chest, squeezing and pushing at her perfect breasts.
Jessica’s fingers went up into my hair, digging into my scalp. She pulled her face away from me, and I felt the magnetic tug – like it was a crime for us to be apart. “Can we be okay?” She asked, and licked her lips.
A hundred different thoughts swam through my head, but only one thought tugged at the strings of my heart. “Always,” I promised.
“Can you…” she blinked, “can you forgive me?”
“I can. If you can forgive me,” I husked, my lips crashing against hers, the flames of our passion being fanned to the point of an inferno. I dipped my hand beneath her pants and clutched her no doubt slick womanhood. Feeling her delicious heat – my cock stiffened, and a finger of joy dug at my chest.
We made loved. We fucked. We laughed and spoke, and we fell into the arms of a blissful, much needed sleep. Together, and together strong.
***
There was a stirring ache in my pants as I woke up, the taste of my and Jessica’s living dream still fresh and replaying in my mind. I lazily groaned and lifted up my head to see that my princess was still getting in her beauty rest. I carefully snuck myself out of bed, still buck naked, a big grin walking along my face – I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Her simple, timeless attraction just pulled me to her; breathing became something that I forgot when I was around her.
Crouching down, I slipped on my boxers and straightened myself out, trying to stretch out all the sleeping muscles in my body; the light of morning spilling through my window. Stepping over to my desk quietly, I sat down and opened up the desk drawer, taking in another glance of the fiery goddess in my bed.
Wonder if she knows that she snores like a lumber jack, hopped up on Red Bull and dual wielding chainsaws.
My gaze fell down to the letter I’d written, and I picked it up, closing the drawer and reading over the letter. It was the one that I’d wrote so long ago, the one that I promised I’d hand deliver to my father. Many times over the years, I would go back and change some stuff – update some things, always thought that you know, it would be for his benefit. Any love interests, any change in jobs. All that k
ind of stuff.
Reading over it, my eyes flicking across the lines, I noticed a strange absence.
The pain wasn’t ripping through me. The ball of barbed wire that would expand with every breath, just wasn’t there. All those lonely nights, and all those brief-but-crushing seconds that I’d hear about someone else; anyone else, have moments with their father. Their dad. Just didn’t matter anymore. It was like the pain was just something lesser now, something forgotten – forgotten in the way that I couldn’t remember the lines of old girlfriend’s faces anymore. Couldn’t recall so clearly anymore, some of the bad and some of the good.
Jessica wasn’t the square peg for all my neatly-defined square holes in my chest. No. She was a match, and she set fire to the whole damn board.
So I got up, kissed by the ivory wings of clarity. Looked over to Jessica’s alluring person, and then crunched the letter in my hand. Walked straight across the room to my dresser, dug around for one of my BIC lighter’s and I stood over the wastebasket. I’m done looking to the past, with my club at my feet, and my love at my bed – all I’ve got left is the future. And for once, I’m not afraid of it.
The lighter flicked to life and that memento of anguish I cherished for so long went up in flames and ash.
Chapter 36
Hunter
The car rolled smoothly down the street as we moved towards Jessica’s apartment, I had to admit if it came down to cars, I didn’t doubt that she was more capable than me.
“So what’s this plan B you were mentioning,” she glanced over at me, her brow raising in question.
“Club business, sweetheart,” I tilted my head and flashed my teeth, “sorry.”
“Club business, is your business, which is in turn, my business,” she argued with a kind of rhythmic cadence, looking between me and the road. “Plus it’s my mother so don’t try and play big, mysterious hero. I want to know.”
