by H. J. Bellus
I wasn’t on birth control because I refused to go to a doctor. I didn’t want to have an exam and explain away the scars that covered my lower abdomen and insides. And that’s why I made my husband wear condoms. He didn’t have a problem wearing them or not wearing them. He wanted me to be comfortable in my own skin.
“Lacey, it will all be fine, baby.”
“God would never give me a baby. I don’t deserve one,” I whispered into the bed.
“Fuck!” Tripp growled and punched the air mattress next to my head with both fists.
Tripp had me crushed against the mattress with his heavy body and continued to hiss in my ear, “I’m fucking tired of hearing you say that. I’m sorry, but you fucking piss me off Lacey. Your dad raped you. You were a child, for Christ sake. It’s not like you were out fucking the neighborhood.”
Tripp flew off me and lost it. He started throwing punches in the air. Then, he tore everything to shreds in the tent, and when there was nothing else left to break or rip, he turned to me again.
“I will tell you one thing, Lacey. If the fucker was still alive, I would fucking slit his throat and watch him bleed out. And I would love every motherfucking second of it. Get that through your fucking head. I would kill him and not think twice about it.”
I couldn’t move. Frozen with fear, I watched the wild beast in front of me destroy everything in his path. I was ready for him to demolish the tent next, leaving us exposed to the world. I sat up ready to take on whatever he had next. Tripp went to his knees in front of me. I was scared to touch him. He gripped my hips and pulled me into him and buried his head in my naked chest.
“You deserve everything, Lacey. Never forget that. I want you to carry my baby one day. I want that with you, and we both deserve it.”
Silence once again filled the tiny tent as Tripp sealed himself to me. I couldn’t touch Tripp, and I couldn’t talk yet. I could only think about the possibility of my body creating another baby. A baby inside me. Inside my scarred and damaged womb. Tripp’s baby. I wanted Tripp inside me. All of him. But a baby?
“Say something, Lace.”
“I’m scared again.”
Tripp pushed me back on the air mattress and climbed up on me. I could see the pained look on his face and could tell he was trying to figure out when I was going to freak out and run. I took Tripp’s hand and kissed his wedding ring, holding it to my lips because it made me feel safe.
Through our counseling, we both knew that we had to live one day at a time. And that’s what I kept repeating over and over in my head. I fucking freaked out on the inside, but tried to remain calm. A monster like me should never be given the precious life of a baby. I took the life of one already. A red flag went up in my brain as I thought about all this. I needed to see my counselor and I needed to see her fast.
Without saying anything, Tripp simply replied, “We’ll go see Janie tomorrow.”
He rolled me up into a great big bear hug. His words and touch soothed some of the fear away. I fell asleep on Tripp’s chest not feeling scared or happy.
Tripp
I felt Lacey’s steady breathing on top of my chest, and her metal piercings digging into my skin, her wild blonde hair tickling my cheek as we lay belly to belly in our little love shack as she called it. I have no intention of moving or falling asleep tonight. Praying to God is what I’ll be doing all fucking night long. Praying for a miracle that we both deserved.
I freaked out on her tonight. I haven’t lost my shit for months now, but I would not listen to her degrade or beat herself up over the abuse that her father put her through. Lacey can hate me for the rest of her life. I didn’t fucking care. I was praying all night that my Princess is pregnant, because I want the chance to be a good father to someone and I wanted the chance for Lacey to mother her own baby.
Chapter 17
A Rose
Lacey
The last three weeks have been like walking on broken glass. One minute, I wanted to die at the thought of being pregnant, and the next, I feel a little tingle of excitement. It’s all so bittersweet. I wanted to give Tripp a baby, but still struggled with my worth and bleeding wounds from walking on broken glass. I had visited Janie nearly every day since the monumental rubber blowout. We had not shared any of this with the rest of our family. It’s just a waiting game now.
***
My period is three days late.
Me: It’s time…pick up a pregnancy test on the way home.
Tripp: Oh Princess…
Me: Cut the sappy-happy shit you douchebag…
Trip: Love You!
Me: Move your ass.
My piano was the only thing comforting me at that moment. Tripp will be here any moment for dinner and a pregnancy test show. His excitement is sure to piss me off. I needed to let him have this moment, I’m just scared shitless. What if my broken, damaged womb could not handle carrying a baby for nine months, and Tripp gets all excited for nothing? My fingers found the best form of therapy I know. I started to play, and the music carries away my worries.
As I finished the song, I heard some rustling. I turned to find my husband perched on the edge of the bed, reading the directions for a pregnancy test. I slipped out my iPhone to snap a picture of him scratching his head and holding the huge instruction sheet up in the air. I could sense the excitement radiating from every pore of his body. He wanted me to be pregnant. He wanted to be a dad. He wanted a family. And I would give it all to him if the universe allowed.
“Hey,” I whispered.
“Holy shit, Lacey. Did you know you have to piss on this stick, and then we have to wait for lines? What if you piss at the wrong angle and miss this little area,” he said, as he rubbed the felt tip of the pregnancy test.
“Um, you probably just contaminated it.”
“I bought twenty of them,” he said with lots of excitement.
“Are you okay?” I asked hesitantly.
He looked as if he was about to pass out from nerves and sheer joy. He dropped the bag to the bed and hung his head low in defeat.
“I know you don’t want a baby, but I do. I want a family with you. I just want this damn thing to show two lines, or a plus sign, or ‘congrats you’re fucking pregnant.’ I need it to.”
I settled into my favorite spot, sprawled across Tripp’s lap, and started to whisper in his ear, “I want this baby. I want a family. I want to give it all to you. I only want it because of you.”
Tripp’s lips found mine and he kissed his worry away, getting tangled up in my mouth. We lost all concern in each other’s lips. His calloused hands found their way under my shirt and gripped me tightly. My hands ran through his hair and my damn hips started their instinctive dance, grinding down on Tripp’s crotch.
I pulled away and whispered against his lips, “I think we have a stick to piss on.”
We opened three more pregnancy tests, throwing the directions in the air and the sticks into the trash. We needed help. Our nerves were killing every bit of common sense the two of us had, combined. Both of us turned to each other and said at the same exact time, “Milly.”
Me: We need serious help.
Milly: For real or is this another prank?
Me: Nope it’s a 911…get your ass over here.
Twenty-five minutes later, that familiar blue Dodge truck pulled up outside our cabin. Tripp had started grilling steaks to calm his nerves and I began making the famous potato salad. Annie came bounding up the stairs in a cowgirl hat, kabob and rain boots. I sure hoped that child learns to dress better before junior high, but I had to admit, the little shit pulled it off well.
Milly and Cree took advantage of their twenty seconds of alone time and were lip locked, leaning up against the truck and I could barely see my lil boy’s wild, dark locks peeking up out of his car seat. The two lovebirds finally broke apart. Milly grabbed Mac and his diaper bag, and Cree grabbed two canisters of sprinkles. Some things never change.
Annie flew into Tripp’s arms.
He held her as he continued to grill. We all listened to the pair talk baseball. Annie’s t-ball season was over with, but Tripp was still helping coach the high school team, and Annie deemed herself Tripp’s assistant.
“Unky, you really need to shape up that catcher. He stinks.”
“I know. He needs some work on catching,” Tripp replied, as if he was talking to another baseball expert.
“No, Unky, he really stinks. We need to buy him some deodorant and practice his catches,” Annie said pointing her little finger in Tripp’s face.
“Okay, you can slip him a tube of deodorant next game. But take it easy on playing catch with him,” Tripp said, as he tried to stifle his laughter.
Milly walked up beside, and asked, “Where’s the fire?”
“In my pants, possibly my crotch, more likely my belly,” I said.
“Why is there a fire in your crotch, Aunt Lacey? Does it hurt?” Annie asked.
“Let’s go play some catch, little girl,” Cree said as he took Mac and Annie out into the front yard.
“We think Lacey is pregnant and the two of us are too revved up to take the test,” Tripp let out in one big breath.
“You know you have to wait until you miss your first period before you can take the test,” Milly replied.
“I’ve missed my period,” I whispered.
“What are you holding from me?” Milly demanded.
She was now clearly pissed. I couldn’t talk or tell her.
Tripp took me in his arms and started explaining, “We busted a condom while camping this summer.”
Milly pulled me from Tripp’s grasp and gripped each of my cheeks, squeezing with visible anger. We were face to face, and now staring into each other’s eyes. Milly was pissed and had every right to be.
“Why is this the first time I’ve heard of this?” she demanded.
“I didn’t want to be a distraction to Annie’s t-ball or the farm,” I whispered.
“Fucking bullshit,” she hissed back to me.
“Milly, back off,” Tripp tried to interrupt.
Cree entered the room and was perplexed by the situation in front of him. Milly wasn’t the violent type and she was about to kick my ass, then Tripp’s.
“Milly, take a breath,” he said as he grabbed her, forcing her to let go of me.
She whirled on Cree like a rabid dog ready to attack. “Where are my kids?”
“Calm down, Dolly. Willow is outside with them. I heard you shouting,” Cree said as he grabbed Milly.
All eyes were now focused on me.
“Let’s hear it, Lacey. Let’s hear why I’m not good enough to know that you have been worried this last month that you could possibly be pregnant. I know you’re worried and don’t want to be pregnant. So what fucking gives?” Milly shouted out.
Tripp stepped forward to defend me. I could tell by his posture that he was on the attack. I grabbed his arm and stepped in front of him to face my sister.
“I’m scared. I’m fucking scared, Milly. Not everyone is a super mom, wife and person like you!” I let it all out.
“I know you’re not me. But why? I love you, Lacey.”
“I’m scared I’ll lose the baby if I’m pregnant and then lose Tripp. I’m fucking scared!” By now, I was screaming at the top of my lungs and swinging my arms around, punching at the air.
Dead silence filled the room. The four of us had been through a lot together. I found Milly nearly beaten to death and she found me bleeding. Milly had to tell Tripp that I tried to commit suicide. We waded through the refuse of my childhood horrors together, and through it all, we have remained a family.
I buried my face into my hands. “I’m sorry, Milly.”
Tripp wrapped me up into his strong arms and held me. He made a very clear statement to the room, leaving no chance that his message could ever be mistaken.
He very calmly spoke down into my hair, “Fuck that. A wise woman once told me that she never apologized for anything. You owe no one an apology. We handled this the best we knew how. Milly can choose to accept it or leave it. You never apologize to anyone, pretty girl.”
My body tensed with his words. I didn’t want to lose him or Milly over this pathetic misunderstanding. I needed both of them to continue surviving.
Milly finally grabbed my hand. “I’m here and love you. It was pretty shitty of you to leave me out. I don’t care what anyone says, it was shitty,” Milly spouted off and glared at Tripp.”Now quit being a chicken shit and cowboy up, cupcake. You’re an amazing person and it’s time you let the world see it. Now let’s go piss on a stick.”
“I think I just pissed down my legs from you yelling at me. You can be a mean bitch,” I replied and we all started to laugh, allowing the tension to escape from the room.
Tripp’s body relaxed and I melted back into him. Cree visibly unclenched his fists and let out a loud sigh. He loved Tripp, but there was no doubt he would beat the ever loving shit out of him for disrespecting Milly, and we all knew we were only seconds away from that going down.
“I’m still pissed at you, Lacey, but let’s go see if you’re knocked up or not.”
Willow chose this moment to come bounding back in with the kiddos. Mac obviously wanted his mother’s boob and Annie was pitching a royal hissy fit.
“Unky!” she hollered, as she stormed down the hallway, tossing her mitt to the floor and then kicking it for added effect. The little shit knew she had Tripp wrapped around her finger and she was just igniting a firework show for added drama. He fell for it every time. God help us if we ever have a little Annie.
“What’s up, Miss Annie?” he asked her.
“Willow throws like a girl. I need some heat,” she said.
All of us rolled our eyes at her demand. Annie liked to act tough around her Uncle Tripp, and he always put on a show for her making sure to throw her balls like he did in the pros.
“Perfect timing, Annie. Let’s go play catch,” he said as he basically ran from the room. You would think he had another case of lightning diarrhea.
Milly took Mac from Willow and shamelessly plopped her tit out to nurse him. She was a pro at flopping that big ol’ tit out anywhere for her boy. Her nipples were something from a horror show. Oh god! Is that what happened when you nurse? They were all elongated and chapped and frankly fucking ugly! Jesus, my kid would be a formula baby for sure. I loved my perky, pierced nipples.
“What’s going on? We could hear you numbnuts yelling from outside. I told Annie you guys were playing a game of Twister,” Willow let out in one long breath.
“Lacey thinks she’s pregnant and she’s too big of a puss to take the damn test. So we all have to be here for her,” Milly said.
“Jesus Christ, don’t sugar coat anything for me.”
“Lacey, just go piss already. I need to know if I’m going to be an aunt or if this is just a dud, cause I know how small of a dick Tripp has,” Milly said with a wink.
“I swear if you weren’t holding Mac I’d corndog your ass right now.”
“Go piss, and then lay the stick flat on the counter.”
Willow looked between us with utter shock covering her face, but she was smart enough to not say a word. I left Milly in my room nursing Mac, and Willow with her mouth wide open to go piss on a stick that was going to tell me my future.
I pissed with my eyes closed and my breath held. Not sure what difference it made, but I did it. My heart knew that it wanted a baby, but my head was still screaming at me. I had to choose in that moment, my brain or my heart. Placing the pregnancy test on the counter, I rested back on the toilet with my shorts around my ankles and started to meditate.
The past, present and future all jumbled together in my thoughts, and I just sat frozen on the fucking toilet, letting all my crazy worries and wild dreams buzz around me in the tiny blue bathroom. I had a choice to make…and my choice was Tripp and the baby. Maybe not a baby now, but there would be a baby. I would fight for it for Tripp. No matter the cost
, I would give it to him. If I had to choose between my life and giving my husband his baby, it would be the baby.
My brain finally quit shouting at me. It turned off and allowed my heart to do the thinking. Fear was still lingering in my heart, but it wasn’t the driving force. Right when I came to peace with my decision, allowing my body to soften and relax, Milly came busting through the door.
“Okay! It’s been twenty minutes. I allowed six minutes for you to get the courage to piss and one minute for you to actually piss. Then ten minutes for the test to work its magic. So, in theory, I can walk over to that fucking pissed soaked stick and see your future. Are you going to let me do that since you have been a sneaky whizzle titties for the past four weeks? Answer now,” Milly said as she raised her hands above her head.
She was beaming with excitement. I knew that I had hurt her, and that was the last thing that I intended to do. She had earned this moment, and she deserved every little bit of it. But, by God, I was going to make the little fucker work for it.
“You gonna shave my legs for me when I’m pregnant?” I propositioned.
“Really? You are gonna fucking bargain with me?” Milly said, as she steadied herself to dart for the pregnancy test.
I straightened up on the toilet, letting her know she would have to wrestle my ass for the test.
“And free mochas for the duration of the pregnancy and possibly orange Italian sodas if I crave them?” I retorted, with my arm outstretched towards the test.
“Caffeine free mochas, dumbass! And the Italian sodas depend on your levels of bitchiness,” she countered, as she took two steps towards the test.
“Deal?” I questioned, as I placed my right hand on the test.
“Deal, hoochie!” she proclaimed, as she ripped the test from my hand.
“So?” I asked.
