by H. J. Bellus
Roxy is now sitting on Miles’ barstool, acting as if she’s at home and ready to make a new BFF.
“Just a second and I’ll be with you.”
I turn my back, and type out a text to Miles.
Willow: I need you right now. Please come to bakery.
With a boulder in my throat and a dagger in my heart, I respond. “Nice to meet you, Roxy. What exactly are you looking for?”
“We just found out we’re having a girl! I’m so excited. I’ve never seen Greyson cry, but when we found out the gender, he could only hang his head and cry. He kept repeating over and over that he didn’t deserve two perfect girls in his life. So, I want pink. Like everything pink. Pink, pink, pink.”
Miles: I am busy babe. Hands in grease.
Willow: Please.
I keep my head down, pen in hand. “Okay, what type of cakes would you like?”
“I found this cake on Pinterest. It’s three tiers with lots of flowers and a picture of the expecting parents on top. I also want an order of cupcakes.”
“Flavor of cakes you want?” I ask, as I take notes furiously.
I keep my phone in my right hand, willing Miles to text me back. I want him to walk in and save me. Take me away from everything.
“I want the cake to be vanilla, but the actual cake pink. Do you know how to do that?”
“So, you want a white cake colored pink. Yeah, pretty sure I can handle that one.”
“Okay, and then I want the cupcakes to be chocolate, but with lots of pink icing on them.”
“Clearly, I have the memo, freaking pink.”
“’Kay ’kay.”
“Did you just say ’kay ’kay?”
“Yeah! Here’s Greyson’s card, just charge everything to him.”
I take the gray plastic card from her hand and notice the huge diamond on her finger. Roxy catches me staring, and nonchalantly rubs her belly, showing off both of her prizes from Greyson. If only she knew the true Greyson.
“What do you girls do for fun around here?”
“I don’t know. I work.”
I don’t want to talk, nor do I want her in my shop, and I definitely don’t want to make her fucking putrid pink cake and cupcakes for her motherfucking baby shower. I run the card quickly, not even realizing the amount I charged Greyson. At this point, I will fucking donate all this shit for her to leave.
“Are you expecting someone?” Roxy asks, and points to my hand.
I realize that I’ve been holding my phone this whole time. Unable to speak, I just nod my head.
Ding!
Miles. Thank God, Miles.
Throwing the card at Roxy, I round the corner to jump into Miles’ arms. When I look up I see a breathless Greyson standing before me with his hands raised behind his head and remorse covering his face.
“I’m sorry, Willow. I am so sorry. I told her to not come here.”
“Get out. Get the fuck out now. Both of you get the FUCK out,” I scream.
Roxy is speechless for the first time since entering and is completely shocked. Her hands instinctively cover her protruding womb to protect her baby from my yelling. She’s actually scared of me? This bitch has no clue.
“Listen, Roxy. You don’t have to worry about me hurting your little girl. Greyson, here, pays for his babies to be killed. Consider yourself lucky that he wanted to keep yours.”
Roxy gasps in horror and races over to Greyson.
“I know you’re fucking stupid, Greyson, but are you deaf, too? Get out.”
Greyson spins Roxy around and they make their way out The Shop.
“What’s she talking about, Greyson?” Roxy’s shaky voice fills the air.
It takes everything inside me to not fucking throw something at the back of his head as he walks away with his perfectly wrapped future. I grip my phone and breathe in and out. Focus. Focus on my breathing. In and out, Willow. In and out. You can do this. Miles is going to text or come any second. Be strong. My journal. Where is my journal.
Racing back behind the counter, I find it in my purse. Then I open the drawer that hasn’t been open for months. It’s the one place that holds the only picture of my baby. It has faded, but I can still make out the little bean amongst the gray fuzzies. I gasp in horror and the door in my heart that has held all the rotting decay of a broken soul busts open and spills onto the counter in front of me. The strong stench of the carnage is too overwhelming. The picture immediately starts to burn my fingertips and I have to let it go.
It’s time to tell my story—all of it. Finding a pen, I will myself to write, but not before the memory of that night invades.
Now in my childhood home, ready to drop the biggest news of my life to my brother and Milly, nestled deep down in my favorite couch cushion, with my great grandma’s patchwork quilt draped over my body. The quilt was my shield, a shield, to fend off my brother’s inevitable disapproval, Milly’s future gasps of horror, and Greyson’s solution to our problem. Our problem, as he put it.
“What’s going on, Willow? We cancelled on Tripp and Lacey. They’re taking Annie to the fair. This is going to be the first year I miss taking her to the fair,” Cree said as he flopped down in his recliner, clearly annoyed with me.
Milly snapped in, “Cree, that’s enough. Obviously, it’s important if your sister has called both of us here.”
“Fine. Go, sis,” he muttered.
“Wait. Didn’t you say Greyson was coming with you?” Milly interrupted me, before I could drop the bomb.
“Jesus Christ, get on with the show.” Cree says.
That was it. My brother’s impatient act was enough to put me over the edge.
“You know what, asshole? The fucking world doesn’t revolve around you, Cree. I have stood by your side through all of your bullshit, and just let me tell you it hasn’t been a carnival ride. I need you right now. I need my brother right now, not this bastard throwing a hissy fit over not going to a freakin’ fair,” I screamed as I threw the blanket at him.
Cree’s jaw hit the floor. I was never one to raise my voice, let alone tell off my brother or stand up for myself. Well, that was about to change because it wasn’t only me anymore. In fact, a lot of changes were in order. It was my turn to have a life, be happy, and move on, with or without certain people in my life.
“I’m sorry…” Cree tried to get out.
“Just shut-up for once, please. Just shut-up. I’m pregnant. Greyson is the dad. He wrote me a check to get an abortion,” I said. Each word sliced my insides.
They hurt when Greyson said them to my face. It was devastating when Greyson handed me the check. I wanted to purge and make my throat burn, but it was simple. I would never hurt the baby, no matter the amount of pain I was experiencing. Especially with petty desires for a man who obviously would never love me back. Then it destroyed every fiber of my being when Greyson texted me, pleading with me to get the actual abortion to solve our problem. That’s when I had decided that I needed my family, and at the time it was an easy decision to tell Cree, but now, sitting in front of his stunned, shocked body, I was rethinking that idea.
“Never mind. I don’t know why I thought you would—” I tried to say.
“He asked you to get an abortion?” Cree asked.
I simply nodded my head, and could feel the tears building up inside. I would control them and not allow anyone to see me hurting. My new golden rule transpired in that moment, no one would ever know how much pain was bottled up inside me, not even my family. This pain was mine, and might be the only thing I would have to hold on to.
“Really, it’s okay. I’ve known for a long time that I’m not good enough for Greyson. It just hurts, you know?” I rambled on, without thinking much of the words that so easily flowed out of my mouth.
“The fucker wanted you to get an abortion,” is the only thing Cree repeated before he got up out of his recliner and started to storm out of the house.
Milly lurched for him, stopping him in his tracks. �
��Cree, what are you doing? You need to stay—”
“I’m going to kill my best friend. That’s what I’m doing,” Cree yelled down into Milly’s face.
At his words, Milly recoiled back in visible fear. That’s when Cree really lost it.
“Fuck!” he roared as he fell to his knees.
“Willow, I’m so sorry. What can I do for you? I knew what was happening and turned the other way. God, I’m so sorry, Sis. I allowed him to use you.” He sobbed into his hands.
Milly dropped to her knees next to my brother, and I followed suit. My tears were safe to flow onto him for now. This was my safe place with Cree and Milly. Why I ever doubted the two was insane. Milly grounded Cree’s sanity, she was the foundation for our family and always there for me. More often than not she pissed me off, but I hear that’s what sisters are for, but in this moment all those things washed away with our tears.
“I’m sorry, Cree. I’m sorry for putting you in this position, and I’m sorry that you always have to figure things out for our family. I’m—”
“Shut up, Willow. Just shut up,” Milly interrupted me.
“Yes, shut up. Don’t be sorry. I love you and I will love that baby now and forever. You know that,” Cree said calmly.
All the hurt, anger, and pain washed away from his voice as he recognized the baby growing inside of me for the first time. This time my jaw dropped. My family once again became my world.
“Cree, just promise me one thing.”
As if he could read my mind, Cree whispered, “Willow, I’m not going to forgive him.”
“You have to, Cree. I don’t want things ruined for you because of my stupid, stubborn heart. Please?” I pleaded.
“Willow, I can’t,” Cree whispered down into my hair.
Milly reached over and grabbed Cree’s face. “You will, Cree, and you will do this for your sister.”
The tears are flowing, my legs are crumbling beneath me and I’m ready to die with all the memories attacking and flowing through my body. I sink to the floor with my notebook in my lap and the picture of my baby, and begin to finally write the whole truth.
Notebook,
I used to be in love with a man named Greyson. From a very young age, I wanted to marry him and live happily ever after. I did everything in my power to make him love me and see me as Willow. It never worked. He never saw me as Willow. My family and friends warned me to stay away, but I never could.
I allowed Greyson to use me for years. He was a smart man and would always promise me a relationship in the future, but there was always one excuse after another. Chasing the fairytale ended when I found out I was pregnant. Pregnant with Greyson’s baby. I was scared, but absolutely thrilled to the core to be carrying his baby. He, on the other hand, was not impressed. In fact, he wrote me a check and asked for an abortion.
Cree and Milly supported me unconditionally. Cree was excited to be an uncle. Lacey and Tripp were busy then with becoming new parents, so I never told them about it until a couple months ago.
I lost my baby.
Fourteen weeks into the pregnancy, I started to bleed. I knew it was over. Finished. But I pretended otherwise. Milly found me a couple hours later in the bathroom. She rushed me to the doctor, but the baby was dead. Greyson’s wish came true.
The doctor sent me home to finish out the miscarriage. Well, that never happened, so after a weekend of carrying my dead baby, I had to have a d & c. You’ve never experienced true darkness until you have to wait for your dead baby to leave your body.
Everyone insisted that it wasn’t my fault and that better things would come my way. The cold hard truth is my body couldn’t carry and provide for my baby. I own my body and let my baby die. It was all my fault. I never heard from or saw Greyson again until the night in the restaurant and today.
I fucking hate him. I fucking hate myself.
I’m sick of the tears. Sick of being motherfucking weak and the victim of this situation. Greyson has walked away into a new life and I sit here broken. Writing how fucking weak I was with Greyson in my past is fucking crippling. I silently reread what just poured out of me and I instantly become sick with disgust. What a weak fool I was. Why did I ever let Greyson own me? I fill with rage and I let it take over.
***
Miles
20 Minutes Earlier
“Travis, grab my phone. See who’s calling.”
“Dude, it’s just a couple texts from Willow.”
“’Kay.”
She’ll have my fucking balls on a stake if I don’t respond soon. I don’t know how many freaking times I have explained to my crazy girl that when I’m elbow deep in grease under a car that it makes it hard to shoot her a quick text. The little shit is always busting my balls for not getting right back to her. For once in my life, it’s been great to have someone want me in theirs.
I traveled to this sleepy little town in search of the last piece of the missing puzzle to put my family back together, but I found her. I uncovered the true treasure of life called love. Willow has no fucking idea just how much I love her and would sacrifice for her. I’m risking everything just to spend the next day in her presence. The most selfish part of this whole charade is that I’m risking her own happiness, too.
Life has been a real shit for me. The kind that turns you into a felon or makes you suicidal, and I have fought damn hard to avoid those two scenarios. Everyone back home seemed to follow down one of those paths. Having Willow in my life has given me hope that my mine can be different.
Tonight is our movie date night, and I have big plans of making her all mine. Candles, flowers, romantic fucking music, and a prepared speech to declare my love for her are lined up at the apartment for us to partake in tonight. My cock springs to action just with the simple thoughts of claiming my crazy girl. Thank fuck, I’ll be off work in about seven minutes.
“Travie Boy, I’m out of here. Lock up, you little shitdip.”
“Luck tonight with your lady.”
“Boy, a man doesn’t need luck.”
The short drive to The Shop takes for fucking ever. I hope Willow’s roses were delivered in time. My mind races with about a hundred other things that should be in place. Deep down, I know Willow only needs my company, cookies, and cereal.
Pulling into my normal parking spot at The Shop, I first notice that her flowers are sitting on the sidewalk. Two dozen yellow roses sure look funny on the sidewalk. Talk about being out of place, just like I have been my whole life until Willow. She must have locked up before the delivery person arrived.
Snagging the flowers, I go to unlock the door and it pushes opens. It wasn’t even completely latched. Fucking odd. Willow has been known to do crazier shit. I pull the door closed and lock it, and go in search of my girl.
“Willow, your stunning, hot hunky BFF is here. Are you ready for an epic movie night?”
Rounding the corner, my heart stops. All the blood flowing in my veins instantly stalls at the sight before me. Everything that lies before me is shattered, beaten, and destroyed. Glass is strewn across the floor. Every single display case has been beaten to hell, her mix has been slung across the floor and display pictures are torn to shreds.
“Willow!”
I check the bathroom and then instantly race up to my apartment to find nothing. No Willow. No mess. Racing back downstairs, I continue to call out her name.
“Willow! Where the fuck are you?”
I dial her number, ready to rip her ass for scaring the shit out of me, and ready to grab her through the phone and never let go. Within seconds, I hear her ringtone. Her fucking yellow phone is on the center of her workstation next to her journal. Her handwriting catches my attention in the notebook. I instantly focus in on the words Greyson, pay, baby and die. It takes me several attempts to get through the whole entry.
Then looking back up the wrecked bakery, it all makes sense. She cracked. She finally broke and lost it. I have to get to her now. There are moments in life when you
think that you’re able to cope with any stressful moment; here I stand, unable to cope with anything but the thought of finding my girl.
“Tripp. Miles. Willow is gone. She destroyed the bakery and is fucking gone. She’s gone.”
“Miles, slow the fuck down. What are you talking about?”
“She’s gone.”
“I fucking warned you about hurting her. I’m going to fucking rip your motherfucking head off, Miles. I’m coming right now.”
I race to my car, continuing to talk to Tripp. “She’s not here. She wrote in her fucking notebook about Greyson. I think something happened today. I was at work.”
Silence.
“She’s not here, Miles. Lacey and Milly are in Fort Collins shopping. Just slow down. Are you sure she’s not there?”
“Tripp, fucking listen to me. I’m only saying this one more time. She destroyed the bakery, left her cell phone, wrote about Greyson, her car is missing, and she’s nowhere to be found.”
“Go to Cree’s. She has to be there. You take the highway and I’ll take the back roads.”
“Tripp.”
“What?”
“She wouldn’t…you know. She wouldn’t do anything stupid. Would she?”
“If she wants her pain to end, she’ll probably do anything to make that happen.”
Tripp hangs up and I lose all hope with his last words. I had no clue that Greyson ever put her through that. Memories of the first night I met Willow come flooding back to me. Her attitude at dinner, the alcohol, and her uneasiness of opening up all fit together perfectly. She was playing hard to love, she was protecting herself. Fuck! Could I have been any bigger of an insensitive prick? Here I thought she was just a wrecking ball bound on sabotaging herself and anyone in the way.
I finally hit Cree’s dirt driveway and send my car sideways down half of it, fish tailing out of control. I notice another small dust cloud coming up the other way, it has to be Tripp. I don’t see Willow’s car at the house, so I speed up to the shop. Tripp and I get there at the same exact time. We both fly into the shop and catch Cree off guard.
