by Julia James
Mel—crumpling to the ground as the car hit her, nearly destroyed by his accusation.
Cold snaked down his spine like iced water as he realised how hideously close he’d come to losing everything—everything he was most desperate to keep.
‘I...I’ve been trying to find you. I sent investigators to search for you. They found you, finally, where you were staying—and they saw you there. I only just got their findings now—when I landed at Heathrow. I’ve been in Hong Kong. There was a typhoon.’
His jerky, staccato words ground to a halt.
‘I’ve been trying to find you,’ he said again.
It was, he knew, the only thing he had to say to her. Nothing else mattered—nothing at all.
Except that I’ve found her. That she’s alive, that she carries my child!
Emotion flooded through him.
Our child—she bears our child.
Wonder and gratitude soared in him. He felt weak with it.
She was staring at him.
‘You were trying to find me?’ Her voice was faint.
‘Yes! Mel—Mel, I—’
But she cut across him. ‘Oh, dear God, I wish with all my heart you hadn’t. I wish you’d never found me.’ Her face buckled. ‘Never found me and never found out about the baby.’
Her voice was anguished. Inside her that same impossible conflict of emotions was still warring, tearing her apart.
Oh, dear God, what a mess this is—what an unholy, impossible mess!
She felt again that stabbing wound, the lashing blow that she’d felt when she’d heard the full import of his words—the cruel accusation he’d hurled at her that had made her want to run, to flee straight into the path of the car that had nearly killed her—nearly killed her baby.
Nikos’s baby—that I didn’t want him to know about— Because if he did...
‘I never meant to involve you in this, Nikos,’ she said, her voice twisted, her eyes pleading.
He was staring at her again. ‘What do you mean, “involve” me? Mel, this is our child. Our baby!’
How could she talk like this? Say she hadn’t wanted him to know?
Words she had said earlier now registered with him—something about going to Spain, taking a flight that day...
The cold snaked down his spine again.
Had he not sent his investigators to find her she would have disappeared again.
And I’d never have known—never have known she was carrying my baby—our baby!
Fear at what had so very nearly happened gouged at him.
She was answering him—her voice low, strained.
‘It doesn’t have to be, Nikos. It can just be my baby. That’s why I went to that pregnancy charity—I needed someone to talk to about not telling you about the baby. She...she helped me make my mind up. And then she went through the practicalities of raising a child single-handed, without paternal involvement, taking all the responsibility on myself.’
‘Thee mou—why? Why? Why even think like that?’ The words broke from him.
She didn’t answer—couldn’t. Could only press her hand against her abdomen again, feeling...needing the reassurance that her baby was safe—safe. The baby she would raise on her own, as she had come to realise she must. Because anything else was...impossible. Just impossible...
She felt her throat tighten. To see Nikos again—here...so real—but for him to be as far away from her as he could be...
He saw the emotion on her face. Realised what it must mean. She hadn’t wanted him to know she was pregnant because she didn’t want him involved.
Didn’t want him in her life.
After all his hopes...all the hopes that had soared within him as he’d stood in his office in Athens...when he’d realised that he and Mel were nothing, nothing like his parents. That what they had between them could never descend into the bitter farce that was his parents’ marriage.
But now his hopes were ashes in his mouth. Heaviness filled him.
She wants her freedom—the freedom she’s craved for so long—the freedom she left me for and still wants.
The freedom he could not take from her—must not take from her.
Not even for the sake of the child she carried—their child. The child she wanted to raise on her own—free of him.
He sought for what he must say now. Letting go of his hopes...letting them fall to the ground, dashed to pieces...
‘You must have known...’ he said, and his voice was hollow, but so, so careful. ‘You must have known that I would...stand by you, Mel.’
He was picking his words with infinite care. All that she had said to him while they’d been together, about how precious her newly gained life of freedom was to her, came back to him like blows.
It was why she left me—to safeguard her freedom. Why she walked out on me when I wanted more of her than she wanted to give.
He would let her keep that freedom—he must. He would not try to chain her to his side in a life she did not want. If she wanted to raise their child herself he must let her—he must.
Whatever it cost him.
He came towards her now, took the hard chair that was near the bed and sat himself down on it. Took a deep, steadying breath in order to say what he must say now that she’d made it crystal clear that she’d never wanted to tell him about her pregnancy. Never wanted him ‘involved.’ The word twisted inside him like snakes.
‘You know I’ll stand by you, Mel. There’ll be no money worries. I’ll see to everything. Look after you, whatever you choose. So you can live wherever you want—well, anywhere child-safe, obviously.’
She heard him speak, and each word was like an arrow in her. But with each word she knew irrefutably that after all her anguish and turmoil, her longings and her fears from the very moment she had seen that thin blue line on the pregnancy test, that she had done what had proved the right thing to have done. She knew she had made the right decision in determining to head for Spain, not to tell Nikos about being pregnant, not to burden him with it...
But it was too late now—he knew she carried their child. And now she would have to take the consequences of his knowledge. Protect herself from them as much as she could.
A pang went through her...
He made as if to reach for her hand, then stopped, drew back. Then he spoke again.
‘I know how vital your freedom is to you, Mel. I’ll protect that for you as much as I can—make as few demands on you as I can. So long as from time to time you let me...let me—’
He stopped, unable to continue.
Let me see my baby—my child. Let me see you, Mel—let me be a part of your life, however small...
He swallowed, forced himself to keep going, to keep his voice studiedly, doggedly neutral—impossible though it was to do so, when inside he was holding down with brute force what was burning inside him.
‘But please, Mel, don’t disappear without my knowing—that’s all I ask. I have...responsibilities...for you...for the baby...’
The word tolled in her brain. ‘Responsibilities...’ Yes, that was all it could be to him. He’d been angry—furious—and understandably so, when he’d thought she wanted a termination. But now that he’d realised she wanted this baby—how terrified she’d been when she’d thought she might lose it—now it was just a question of...responsibilities.
Responsibilities she would—must—keep as light as possible for him. She must assure him of that.
‘I won’t...impose on you, Nikos. Financially I’ll be all right. I have the rental income from my grandfather’s house, and until the baby is born I can work. I’m going to base myself in Spain, probably, because I can live cheaply there. There are various child benefits I’m entitled to claim as well—that woman at the charity explained it all to
me.’
‘Impose?’ he echoed. ‘Mel, this is my baby you’re talking about. It goes without question that I’ll take care of everything.’
She shook her head violently. It hurt, but she didn’t care.
‘Oh, Nikos, that’s why I wish to God you’d never found out. I know how scarred you are by your parents chaining themselves to each other. That you never want to run such a risk yourself. That’s why you only wanted a brief romance with me. The last thing you want is to be trapped—trapped as you are now—trapped by unplanned, unwanted fatherhood. And that’s why I was never going to tell you about the baby. So you could be free.’
Her voice was anguished, no more than a whisper now.
‘If you’d never known about the baby we could both have been free of each other...’
For a moment...for an eternity...there was silence.
Then... ‘Free of each other?’ Nikos’s echo of her words dropped like lead into the silence.
Abruptly, he let go of her hands. Pushed the chair back roughly. Got to his feet. Paced about the narrow room. Turned back to look at her. Tension radiated from him.
‘Your freedom to roam the world after all those years looking after your grandfather—mine to avoid any kind of repetition of the snake pit that is my parents’ marriage—is that it?’
There was something strange in his voice—something that made her stare at him. Not understanding. Not comprehending.
He didn’t wait for an answer—just ploughed on. That same strange note was in his voice, the same strangeness in his face...his eyes.
‘All my life I’ve run scared,’ he said. ‘Scared and, yes, scarred. Scarred by what I’ve had to witness between my warring, snarling parents. Tearing each other apart...tearing their marriage apart. And I dreaded, dreaded that I might end up doing the same.’
He took a breath—a shuddering breath.
‘I vowed I would never run that risk. And I vowed I would never get involved with any woman who could endanger that vow. I only ever wanted temporary relationships. Nothing...deeper. Nothing...longer. Nothing longer than a holiday romance.’
There was a twist in his voice now, and it was heavy with irony. Bitter self-mockery.
‘Just the way you did.’ He took another breath, felt it razoring his lungs. ‘We were so well suited, weren’t we, Mel? In our own different ways we wanted the same thing—our freedom.’
He gazed at her—at the way she lay there, at her golden hair, her beautiful face—and a thousand memories came rushing to his head of those glorious days they’d had together—so good...so good.
So right.
And in the golden wash of those memories came knowledge, pouring like a fountain through him. Confirming—in a tidal wave of emotion—what had swept over him when he’d set out to find Mel again—to beg her to stay in his life.
He stilled. Thrust his hands deep into his trouser pockets. Stood there immobile, unreadable. Then something changed in his expression. He seemed to stand straighter—taller.
He looked at her lying there, her body ripening with their baby...their child-to-be.
‘I want a new freedom,’ he said. His voice was different now—resolute, adamant. ‘The freedom not to be scarred by my parents’ marriage—not to be fearful of repeating their mistakes. The freedom, Mel, to say finally what I have crushed down up to now, because I don’t want to put on you what you do not want. You want your freedom—honoured and preserved—and I won’t try and hamper you, or constrain you, or curtail you in any way. I know how hard-earned it is, how well deserved it is. You have your scars, too, Mel, but for all that I still want a new freedom.’
He paused, took a razor-edged breath. Then spoke again.
‘I want the freedom to say this, Mel.’ He took another breath, just as sharp, and absolutely vital to his existence. ‘You said if I hadn’t known about the baby we could have been free of each other.’
Between them, the silence stretched. Mel could not speak, could say nothing at all, for suddenly there was no breath in her lungs—no breath at all—and still the silence stretched between them.
Then... ‘I don’t want to be free of you.’ Nikos’s voice seared into the silence. ‘When I saw that car hit you—oh, God, I thought you were dead. I thought you were dead! That I’d lost you for ever. And it was the worst moment of my life.’
It felt as if his heart was being impaled, speared again by the terror he’d felt as he’d watched her crumple to the ground. He relived that moment of absolute nightmare, knowing with grovelling gratitude to all the powers-that-be that he’d been spared. Knowing with a blaze in his head, in his heart, that he could not go on without speaking.
He surged on. It was too late to stop now—far, far too late.
‘I want you to come back to me so much. I can’t help hoping...hoping against hope...that despite everything—despite all that you’ve ever said to me—you might just—just...’ He took a final ragged breath. ‘Just want to come back to me. That you might just,’ he said, and his eyes could not leave hers...not for a second, not for an instant, ‘want to make your life with me.’
He had said it. Finally he had said it.
His heart was bared now, and it was beating for her and her alone. And if she spurned it—if she looked at him with pity, with rejection, after hearing words that had only made her want to flee from him the more—then he would bear it. But if he didn’t put his words out there, then she might never know...never guess...just what he felt for her.
‘I don’t want to be free of you, Mel. I can’t be free of you. You’re in my head, and in my thoughts, and in my blood. You’re in my heart, Mel...’
His eyes were blazing...the blood was roaring in his veins.
‘There’s only one freedom I want, Mel. I want to be free to love you.’
There was silence—absolute silence.
Nikos’s gaze lasered down at her, willing her to speak. To say something—anything. But she simply lay there, her face as white as ice. Then he saw slow, thick tears start to ooze from beneath her eyelids.
He was at her side in an instant—a fraction of a second. Seizing her hands, clutching them to him.
‘Mel! Don’t cry—oh, my darling one, don’t cry. I’m sorry—I’m sorry that I said all that to you. I should never have burdened you with it.’
But she only wept more, and he had to scoop his arm around her shoulders and cradle her against him. She wept into him—tears and tears and more tears. He soothed her hair and held her close, and closer still. And then, somewhere at his shoulder, he heard her speak. Muffled and tearful.
Carefully, mindful of how fragile her body was, he lowered her back upon the pillows. But she clung to his hand still. Her eyes swam with tears.
‘I want that freedom, too. Oh, Nikos, I want it more than anything in the world!’ Her face crumpled again. ‘I want to be free to love you, free to tell you that I love you. And to love you the way I do.’
She wept again, and he held her again, and she was as light as a feather. For all the world weighed nothing now—nothing at all.
‘I missed you so much,’ she sobbed. ‘I tried so hard not to miss you, but I did. All the time in America I missed you. I missed you wherever I went. Everywhere without you was...awful. I wanted you with me. On the Staten Island Ferry, at the top of the Empire State Building... I wanted to laugh with you in Las Vegas, revel in all its gaudy garishness. And I wanted you to stand beside me at the rim of the Grand Canyon and look down a mile deep into the earth. I wanted you everywhere I went. And you weren’t there, Nikos, because I’d walked out on you—and I’d walked out on you because...because...’
The sobbing came again, and once again he was soothing her, stroking her hair, clasping her hand tight, so tight.
‘Because I knew that if I didn’t go then, I’d never go.
And I had to go—it was a holiday romance we had—only that. That was all you wanted—and all I wanted—all I thought it would ever be. But it wasn’t, Nikos—it wasn’t, it wasn’t... But it had never been supposed to be anything more than a holiday romance because I wanted to be free—free like I’ve wanted to be for so, so long.’
She pulled away from him, her face working, full of anguish.
‘When I first found out I was pregnant I...I was distraught. I was terrified that I’d be plunged back into having to take care of another human being just when I’d got my own life back. But at the same time I felt my heart leap with joy. I had a baby growing inside me—a wondrous new life—and it was your baby, Nikos. Yours. And I realised...I realised...’ her eyes were clinging to his and her hands were clinging to him ‘...I realised, Nikos, that all I wanted on this earth was to be free to love my baby—free to want my baby more than anything else in all the world. And because of that...because of that—’
She broke off, tears welling again, her voice choked with emotion, with discovery.
‘Because all I wanted was to love my baby I knew...I knew—oh, Nikos—I knew it meant I was free to love. Free to love you. Love you the way I wanted to. The way I’d feared to because it was loving my poor grandfather that kept me by his side so long. I feared love would be a tie. And I thought all I wanted was to be free of all ties. Free of all bonds.’
Tears flowed down her cheeks and she felt her heart must surely overflow with the emotion now pouring through her.
‘But to love you, Nikos, is to be free.’
He moved to sweep her to him, but she held him back, fear leaping in her eyes.
‘But am I free to love you, Nikos? Am I? You talked of standing by me and “responsibilities”. And—’
‘Mel, my darling one, I said that only because I didn’t want to burden you with my wanting you the way I do. With my wanting, more than anything in this life, to be your husband—your devoted, loving husband—the father to our beloved child—with you, my beloved wife.’
She gave a little choke of laughter and of tears. Of happiness and bliss.
