by Margo Kelly
A second before the doors closed, the Three Stooges barreled onto the bus, panting. Josh let his backpack whack Janie in the shoulder, and Tim shoved him down the aisle. Taylor brought up the rear and plucked one of Janie’s ringlets.
“Some things never change,” Janie said and rolled her eyes. I grinned and stole a peek over my shoulder. Tim looked right at me, and I quickly faced forward.
“Yeah, some things never change.”
CHAPTER 10
School had been in full swing for two weeks. I was so busy that time was flying. Volleyball practice ate up a lot of those hours. I wanted Janie to try out for volleyball, but she refused to be seen in those super-short, super-tight shorts. I didn’t understand her sometimes. And while I loved sports, that was time I could’ve spent online with Derek. I was torn, and I was tired of trying to keep up with everything, including my grades. Purely exhausted, I needed to go straight to bed at night, but I never did. I would be sad if I didn’t check in with Derek. I closed my bedroom door, shoved my comforter behind it as an obstacle, and logged onto Skadi. Derek was waiting.
Kitsuneshin: Hey! Glad you made it.
ImmortalSlayer: Me too, but I am really tired. VB is wiping me out.
Kitsuneshin: I’m sorry! But UR tough and VB is important to you.
ImmortalSlayer: But so are you.
Kitsuneshin: Ah, thanks! But I support you in whatever u want to do!
Kitsuneshin: If you’d let us swap cell numbers, we could text during the day and not have to wait until so late at night.
ImmortalSlayer: Can’t text during school.
Kitsuneshin: Before or after?
ImmortalSlayer: My parents would kill me if they knew I gave out my cell number
Kitsuneshin: Well . . . I certainly don’t want them to kill u! *gasps*
Kitsuneshin: But maybe they don’t need to know.
ImmortalSlayer: IDK
I stretched backward in my chair and caught my reflection in the mirror. My hair was snarled in some places and stringy in others. I attempted to finger comb it, but it was a lost cause. I looked awful, and I was so glad Derek couldn’t see me right now . . . but I still wanted to know what he looked like. I turned back to the monitor. Derek had typed another message.
Kitsuneshin: *kneels and begs* . . . please?
ImmortalSlayer: Will u send me a picture of you if I give you my number?
Kitsuneshin: Why do want a picture of an ugly guy like me?
ImmortalSlayer: *shakes finger* I need a picture. Besides . . . what does ugly even look like? Are you the Hunchback of Notre Dame? A serpent covered Gorgon? A mangy mutt?
Kitsuneshin: I’ll send u a pix right now if u tell me your number ☺
ImmortalSlayer: Promise?
Kitsuneshin: *crosses heart*
ImmortalSlayer: If I give u my number, we can text but no phone calls.
Kitsuneshin: Why?
ImmortalSlayer: Too risky. I’ll get caught.
Kitsuneshin: Deal.
ImmortalSlayer: Ok—let me think about it for a few min
I hopped up and grabbed my hair brush and began to work on the knots in my hair. I needed to take a shower and wash it, but then I wouldn’t be able to chat with Derek. So the brush would have to do for now. I sat back down and read the next message.
Kitsuneshin: I’m just glad you logged on tonight. I’ve been really bummed
ImmortalSlayer: Why?
Kitsuneshin: My dad’s been drinking a lot lately. He gets mean.
ImmortalSlayer: Why does he drink so much?
Kitsuneshin: IDK He probably misses my mom.
ImmortalSlayer: Probably. It must be hard.
Kitsuneshin: I miss her a lot too.
ImmortalSlayer: Do you want to talk about it?
Kitsuneshin: Not really. Too depressing. I don’t understand why she had to die.
ImmortalSlayer: Don’t worry . . . I know you will see her again.
Kitsuneshin: Everything’s harder. Dad drinks more. He never talks to me. Sometimes I wish I could die too.
ImmortalSlayer: Don’t say that.
Kitsuneshin: I’ve already tried twice.
ImmortalSlayer: Tried what?
Kitsuneshin: Suicide
ImmortalSlayer: Are you joking?
Kitsuneshin: No. But I couldn’t even do that right. Failed both times.
ImmortalSlayer: What did u do?
Kitsuneshin: First time, I tried to cut my wrists, but I chickened out after the first small cut because it hurt so freaking bad. I put a bandage over it and didn’t tell anyone . . . well, except for u now. Please don’t tell anyone else.
ImmortalSlayer: I won’t. Don’t worry *hugs*
I turned my wrist over and traced the veins with my fingertip. I tried to imagine what it would feel like to cut into my own flesh, but just the idea sent shivers up my spine. I could never intentionally cut myself. I couldn’t imagine the pain or loneliness that Derek must have felt.
Kitsuneshin: Second time, I took a bunch of my dad’s pain pills and drank his whiskey. I woke up the next day with a splitting headache. My dad didn’t even notice I was passed out on the couch all night.
ImmortalSlayer: I am so sorry! Please don’t ever do that again! Promise me!
Kitsuneshin: With u, I have a reason to live.
Kitsuneshin: I love you so much.
ImmortalSlayer: I love you too ☺ *wraps arms around you* I don’t want you to hurt anymore.
Kitsuneshin: Thanks
Kitsuneshin: I have your picture posted on the wall right next to my computer.
ImmortalSlayer: What picture?
Kitsuneshin: The one from the water park.
ImmortalSlayer: Oh!
Kitsuneshin: I love it. UR gorgeous. I love ur smile, ur hair, ur face *kisses cheek*
ImmortalSlayer: Ah! UR so sweet!
Kitsuneshin: I love you.
Kitsuneshin: Our hearts have gotten to know each other before our bodies.
ImmortalSlayer: Is that a song lyric?
Kitsuneshin: No. It’s how I feel about us.
ImmortalSlayer: *melts* I love u
No hesitation remained in my mind. I sent him my cell number. I needed a picture of him. And I needed him to know he could contact me anytime. The idea of getting caught still terrified me, but the idea of Derek attempting suicide frightened me much more. I didn’t know how to help him, except to try to be there for him, and listen.
He kept his promise and sent a photo to my phone, but it was of him on a ski slope—decked out in goggles, hat, gloves and more. Not good enough. I texted him.
That’s cheating!—Thea
LOL—Derek
Send a real one!!!—Thea
Okay! I was just teasing u! But that really is me!! I love skiing.—Derek
He sent another, but it was out of focus and in black and white. I tried to zoom in on it, but that didn’t help much.
Why is it black & white?—Thea
I snapped a shot of my HS senior picture from my yearbook—Derek
It’s blurry! Can u try again?—Thea
No point. My camera phone is a piece of crap. Sorry—Derek
Why not take one of u tonight?—Thea
Thought you’d like me in a tux better!—Derek
I studied the photo again. He was in a tux. His hair was longer in the back than I had imagined in my mind, and something about the angle of his chin or the muscles in his jaw seemed familiar, but the image was too blurry for me to figure out how I knew those features. Besides, I’d gone to sleep so many times dreaming of him, maybe I had imagined some of his characteristics correctly. I didn’t push him for another picture. He was obviously worried that I wouldn’t like what I saw.
We chatted awhile on Skadi, because it was easier to type out messages there than on a cell phone. Then I told him I had to get some sleep. It was already 3:30 A.M., but he still didn’t want me to go. Derek had no one in his life to care about him except for me. I loved him. I did
. But sometimes the burden was heavy. Finally I said goodnight to him and logged off, but I couldn’t fall asleep right away . . . and Derek texted.
Love u—Derek
Love u too—Thea
Wish I was holding u in my arms tonight—Derek
☺ nite—Thea
I lay in bed for at least another hour visualizing our future. What if this worked out? I tried to imagine falling asleep in his arms. If we got married, my last name would be Felton. That would be nice. I smiled and hugged my pillow.
■
Derek made me promise I wouldn’t tell anyone about the suicide attempts because he was ashamed; however, when Janie and I walked to the bus stop the next morning, I recounted the details and swore her to secrecy. I said nothing about the fact we’d exchanged real names, cell numbers, and e-mailed each other privately. Keeping track of what I’d already told her and not told her was becoming a chore.
“He’s too old for you,” Janie said.
I glared at her, a silent we’ve-already-had-that-discussion expression. Then I said, “I can’t break up with him. He might try to kill himself again.”
“Omigosh! That cannot be your job.”
“It’s not, but I’m the only good thing in his life.”
“Dump him and forget about Skadi.” She raised her eyebrows in a question mark.
“I can’t. I have to at least be there for him until he’s stronger.”
“How long will that be? You seriously love him that much?”
Instead of answering, I counted the cracks in the sidewalk. I wished I could explain my love for Derek to her, but I wasn’t sure I could explain it to myself. Janie linked her arm through mine, and we walked to the bus stop in silence.
■
Later that afternoon at volleyball practice Coach Gavyn yelled at us. “What do you think this is? Recess? Get the air out of your heads and focus. Thea!—”
My heart stopped. Why was he singling me out?
“—I expected more out of you! Pull it together,” he said and turned away.
One of the girls giggled. He whipped back around, and we all hushed.
“If you can’t get the ball over the net, you can’t win the game. Do the drill again!” He waved for the next girl in line to serve and stomped over to the side of the court. Another girl giggled.
The cackles spread like a crashing wave, and Coach Gavyn yelled more, but that made it worse. We tried to stop. Really we did. But as we attempted to bottle up our laughter, we served the balls into the net. As a result, Coach made us run stair laps. My thighs lit on fire. We pounded up—and then down—hundreds of steps. We didn’t learn to serve any better. But we sure laughed . . . even through the first five stair laps. During the last five, we became quiet. It wasn’t funny anymore. In the locker room, we threatened to quit the team. Of course, no one would, but we felt better by complaining about it.
Most of the girls’ parents were already parked and waiting in front of the school when we walked outside. I waved goodbye to them and shook out my aching legs. The area emptied, and I waited alone. Off in the distance the guys finished up football practice on the field.
I considered texting Derek, but my thighs were throbbing. So, I parked myself on the curb and extended my legs out straight. I leaned into the stretch, extending my fingertips toward my toes, and a long shadow fell over me. I glanced up and found Tim towering above. His backpack was slung over one shoulder and his hands hung at his sides.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey.” Tim set his backpack down. I pulled my legs out of the way, and he sat next to me, but gave me plenty of space. No bubble invasion this time.
“How was practice?” Tim asked.
“Fine. How was football?”
“Fine.”
Awkward. He pulled his knees up and crossed his arms over them. Sweat glistened on his forearms—darker than ever after a summer of tanning. His eyes reflected the clear blue sky, and I sank into them. I had to work to catch my breath. I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and looked away.
“Hey, I joined that Skadi game you’re always talking about.”
“Really?” I focused on him and tried to read his mind.
“Yeah, I searched for your character, but it seems like you’re never online when I am. Janie said I should ask you if you are accepting new members in your guild?”
“No. I’m having trouble keeping up with Skadi and homework and volleyball practice. So, I haven’t been on much lately.” I didn’t want Tim in the same guild with Derek and me. That would be weird.
“Homecoming is next month,” Tim said. When I didn’t respond, he put his chin on his arms. “Do you want to go to the dance with me?” he asked.
Crap. I closed my eyes, unable to block out the image of dancing with him. He’s so tall. My head would rest perfectly against his chest. His muscular arms would wrap around me. His heart would beat in my ear.
And then a car honked.
Mom pulled up to the curb next to us.
“Tim,” I whispered, “my parents won’t let me date until I’m sixteen.”
“What about that guy on Skadi?” Tim’s jaw muscles flexed, and my breath caught.
A strange sense of déjà vu flooded through me, and I almost pulled out my phone to compare the picture of Derek to Tim. Their jawlines—
Mom honked again. I stood and grabbed my bag.
“Is he why you can’t go with me?” Tim prodded.
“I have to go.”
I got into the car and watched Tim as we drove away. His head settled face-down on his arms, and I wondered where Josh and Taylor were. The three of them were inseparable.
“How did practice go?” Mom asked.
“Fine.”
“That’s it?” she prodded.
“The coach made us run stair laps, because we couldn’t serve the balls over the net.” That was true. Mostly. My cell vibrated in my pocket, but I ignored it. I was exhausted, but Mom insisted on her usual car banter, and I complied the best I could.
“Do you have homework?” Mom asked.
“Yes.”
“A lot?”
“No.”
“What was the best thing about your day?”
“Seeing you.” I glanced sideways at her.
“Right,” she said sarcastically. “Then what was the second best thing about your day?”
“I got a 98 percent on my math test.”
“Great job! I’m so pleased with how well you’re doing in school.” She paid attention to driving and turned left into traffic. “So what was the worst part about your day?”
“Not sure.”
“Yes, you are.”
I dreaded coming up with a story, because I wasn’t going to tell her the worst, second worst, or even third worst thing that happened today. So, I changed the subject.
“I’m starving. Can we go out for dinner?”
“Maybe.”
“Really?” Shocked, I twisted toward her in my seat.
“Really. Maybe we could go out to eat as a family and go see a movie tonight.”
“That’d be great.”
“Will you have time to finish your homework, though? And will you be too tired if we stay out for a movie?”
“I’ll be fine.” Of course I’d be wasted tomorrow, but it’d be worth it. Even if it meant no Skadi. Not that I actually played anymore . . . Derek and I used it as a place to chat.
Once we got home, I dropped my bag on the stone floor of the entryway and headed down the hall to my room.
“Thea, the entryway is not your closet. Pick up your things,” Mom hollered after me. I pushed the Power button on my computer and went back to grab my bag. I returned to my bedroom, tossed my stuff on the bed, and plopped down at my desk with my phone in hand. One text from Derek asked where I was. I dashed off a reply:
online!—Thea
Mom poked her head through my doorway. “Will you be ready in less than an hour?”
“
Sure thing. I just need to type up a paper real quick and change.”
My computer finished booting up, and I opened the word processing program. I hopped up and closed my door. With some privacy, I logged onto Yahoo! and opened my e-mail account. Five messages from Derek. My heart swelled. In the first three, he wrote sweet romantic things, but the last two e-mails were different.
Thea, where are you? I need to talk to you! D.
I haven’t heard from you! Can I call? D.
Before I could reply to his e-mail, my cell vibrated again.
Where RU? U said online, but ur not—Derek
I can’t get online after all.—Thea
But I need to talk to u—Derek
Won’t be able to talk. Sorry.—Thea
I am going to dinner & movie w/fam. Is something wrong?—Thea
I plunked my phone down on the desk and rubbed my forehead. His tone had changed. Did I make a mistake giving him my cell number? Now he could reach me anytime he wanted; that should be okay, considering we loved each other. But my chest tightened.
My bedroom door swung open. I jerked the mouse, and in a flash I minimized the window for Yahoo!
“Hey,” Mom said.
“You scared the crap out of me.” I hadn’t heard anyone coming down the hall, and there was no knock at the door.
“I’m sorry I forgot to knock,” Mom said, “but the rule remains. When I come in you cannot collapse screens on your computer.” Mom inspected my monitor more closely. My head swam, and I feared she’d notice the Yahoo! bar at the bottom of the screen. I reached over and started clicking menus in the word processing program, attempting to distract her.
“I thought you had a paper to type up?”
“I do.”
“Were you online?”
“Yes.”
“Doing what?”
“I had to update my status on Skadi otherwise my account would go inactive.” Mom didn’t know enough about the game to recognize my lie. I hated lying, but she would never approve of my relationship with Derek, even though we weren’t doing anything wrong.
