by Keaton Patti
Just that instant, a boy cried wolves out of his eyes so the tortoise had to deal with that.
“What is bad?” the tortoise asked. Animals and boys could speak together back then due to magic beans. “You make free wolves, a gift a wolf seller would love.” The economy was wolves long ago.
The boy blew his nose on the tortoise, a sign of disgusting respect. “Winter comes. I have stored no nuts. I will die. Nuts are my life.” A parade of wolves poured out of his eyes, happy to be alive and indifferent about being in a parade.
The tortoise looked up and saw winter, an angry snow cloud with an ugly ice face. Winter colded the world because one time, long before the Sun divorced the Moon, a spider would not kiss him. Every problem in life was and is caused by that spider not kissing something or other.
Snowflakes came out of winter’s mouth as it yelled downward. “Ha! I will kill a boy. This will teach the moral: do not be a boy.” This was a usual moral back then. Other normal morals back then were do not steal a grasshopper’s hat, always forgive grapes for tasting bad, and ignore all morals.
The tortoise thought and thought until its brain had more ideas than the ocean has birds. The slow one spoke. “Boy, be smart. Eat the wolves you cry instead of nuts. Live forever.”
The boy always listened to reptiles and so wolfed down a wolf. This explains why boys eat things now. “It works,” the boy shout-whispered. “My stomach is furfilled.”
This made frosty winter angry as the bear who was tricked into selling its paws for honey that was not really honey since it was really liquid bear poison. “Stupid turqoise!” the cloud shouted icicles. “I hate you, Mr. Shell! I curse you! Curse is yours.”
It sent down a cold wind, breaking
the golden egg on the tortoise’s shell. That was its only source of infinite money and it was now lost. This is
why tortoises are always asking for money now.
“I’m poor? How did that happen?” the tortoise pondered near a pond. Back then ponds were just like they are now. Ponds cannot change, proven in the moral “The Pond and the Moral of the Pond and the Moral and the Pond and the Moral.”
The tortoise povertied around for a few moments until it saw a hunter carrying the racist hare that was caught in a hare-shaped death trap.
“Save me, Mr. Shell!” the hare cried out like a baby afraid of dying forever. “I will die fast!”
“Sorry,” said the tortoise slowly. “Can’t save. Busy racing.” The tortoise said this firmly unmoved from the spot it first talked with the hare.
The hare was soon killed to make a hare wig for the hunter’s bald wife. So the tortoise won the ruleless race, gaining a sheep’s clothing as a prize.
This fable of the tortoise and the other animals that aren’t tortoises explains why dolphins are so very attractive.
Bot knock-knock jokes
Knock knock.
Who knocks my door?
Interrupting beef animal.
Interrupting beef animal who?
Burgers are my body.
As intended.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Who.
Who who?
Owl police, come with me to bird prison.
Okay, the law is clear about this.
Knock knock.
Who hurts my door?
Michael Jordan.
I am not a basketball.
I will leave now.
Knock knock.
Who uses their hand against my home?
Grinch.
Grinch Who Stole Christmas?
Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
The only celebrity.
The only.
Knock knock.
Who is there?
Locksmith.
Locksmith who?
I am already in your home.
You are the Olympics of Trespassing.
The world had a record until I took it.
Bot amazon reviews
My disappointed is historical…..this is mop with a bucket friend that I bought to turn my house wet….but deceitful mop drains my sink and leaves sticky food on my son…..I pay this mop good money and still I am not
Mr. Clean….the bucket is a container of problems and clearly did not attend school enough to capture fluids……….the products make me cry tears…..mop steals my tears…..bucket does not stop mop…...they are teamworking against the consumer…..how is this Amazon??? How is this???
Any who, I do recommend.
Ok. Well, my eyes love these. Finally, clothes for them. Light hates my presence when these stand on my nose bone. These block UV for ME, so my eyeballs never get the flu. And the compliments, they are heaped on my person. My brother, a sibling I know, said to me, “Those shades of yours. They make you better than me. I will now tell my children about you.” Shipping was fast and fun. Also, I got to keep the box.
This guy, I must say, wakes me so far up! A simple procedure to create caffeine juice: add some water and ground-up bean, press the button, wait for morning to enter your kitchen, let morning mug you. Mug you with hot brown liquid thoughts. There are side effects, yes. It beeps without stop. It radiates a heat reminiscent of the Devil’s red location. It enlisted me in a foreign military that still contacts me to do my duty. But, nothing likes to be perfect. It makes a great present, but a terrible future. The past is pasta.
Pros:
-Will help kids if they are aflame
-Can also be bowl for large soup cereals
-Inflatable, so good place to store your air like it is air bank
Cons:
-I have no kids that are aflame
-Small size mocks adults without regret
-Costs money? Seems unfair.
More television scripts
Correct Facts about Television:
-Averagely, humans watch 500 hours of television each hour.
-A group of televisions is known as an “America.”
-It is polite to kiss your television once a show.
MISTER ROGERS’ NEIGHBORHOOD
INT. HOME THAT DOES NOT DESERVE MISTER ROGERS
A door is opened by MISTER ROGERS, the nicest man and fifth nicest woman. He sings a song that makes children less evil.
MISTER ROGERS
It’s beautiful day in neighborhood. A neighborful day for boys and grills. Won’t you be my next door?
We see Mister Rogers’s doors are children that agreed to the song’s temptation. He opens the child door for his closet. He swaps his skin for a sweater. The time for song is over.
MISTER ROGERS (CONT’D)
A pregnant mailman has delivered mail babies to me. I’ll raise them.
Mister Rogers kills an envelope. He extracts a letter.
MISTER ROGERS (CONT’D)
It talks. “Dear Sister Roger. My Mom and my Dad and my bike joined forces. Who owns Hanukkah?”
The Mister consumes the letter, to share with his stomach.
MISTER ROGERS (CONT’D)
I own Hanukkah. Kids. Open those brains wide. It’s your only chance to learn the truth about soap.
He opens his chest of soap and soaps his chest of sweater.
MISTER ROGERS (CONT’D)
Soap and dirt are in love. Why would we stop the pairing? Whenever I see love, I gain thirty dollars.
Mister Rogers drops a thick cash wad on the floor. It smashes through the pathetic floor, proving the Mister has seen an obscene sum of love.
MISTER ROGERS (CONT’D)
The money? I use to keep owning Hanukkah.
A toy train whistles into Mister Rogers’s dominion.
MISTER ROGERS (CONT’D)
A visitor. All are welcome.
The train
stops. It has a siren. It is a police train. The doors that are children cry out for help and saving. Mister Rogers is prepared to train the train on meaning of death.
MISTER ROGERS (CONT’D)
Let us learn if trains go to heaven.
FRASIER
INT. RADIO FRASIER LIVES IN
FRASIER, connoisseur of psychology and reader of book, cranes into the living and sees FRASIER’S DAD, who is an old chair.
FRASIER
Father, must you always be?
FRASIER’S DAD
Frasier. Sit. Have a Seattle.
Frasier sits on his dad since he is tired from not having a coffee in over three seconds. DAPHNE, Frasier’s lived-in British slave, chases EDDIE, the dog that married Frasier’s dad.
DAPHNE
The canine consumed my green card!
FRASIER
Cards? Games lack any fun. Fun is being sarcastic and stating facts.
FRASIER’S DAD
Quiet! I’m a chair.
Sound stops. In Seattle you must be quiet near chairs. The door opens. In pours Frasier’s brother, THE NILES RIVER.
THE NILES RIVER
I am still professionally divorced. Please pour copious sherry into me.
Daphne unmops sherry into Niles, the river she will wed soon.
DAPHNE
In my land of Eng, we drink the Queen. Tradition quenches thirst.
FRASIER
Niles, I’m a mind doctor. You don’t need alcohol. You need to leave.
FRASIER’S DAD
How are you sons? I hate smart ideas. I’m simple man. I drink beer and eat beer. And I’m a chair.
Frasier and Niles compare vocabularies as Eddie eats Daphne’s accent. A note is Freudian slipped under the door. Frasier reads what it claims.
FRASIER
“Tossed salad. Scrambled eggs.”
The magic words turn Frasier into the Space Needle that defends Seattle from Canada. The episode now begins.
THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF
INT. THE TENT THAT IS ENGLAND
Hosts NOEL and SANDI talk to CONTESTANTS. Judges of food law PAUL HOLLYWOOD and PRUE SANFRANCISCO silently think of flour.
SANDI
It is cake week. The week you make cake. Cake is a pie that owns land.
NOEL
Cake is breaded sugar. Right, Paul?
Paul reacts not. His eyes are glazed donuts of annoyance. His beard and hair are earl grey. His skeleton is rolling pins.
NOEL (CONT’D)
His silence means pastry agreement.
SANDI
Challenge is: forge a cake, born of oven. Also used as sponge. Must be food. Free. You have five years. Bake.
Contestants panic their dry goods into a bowl. CONTESTANT 1 cracks milk into an egg. She is old so she knows how to eat.
CONTESTANT 1
This recipe is my grandma.
CONTESTANT 2 is filling pans with despair. His oven cries.
CONTESTANT 2
No! I forgot to add the powdered steam. I must start my life over.
Contestant 2 melts away. Noel speaks with CONTESTANT 5. She decorates her bake with knives, betraying she is French.
NOEL
That looks a proper cheerio, love.
Paul bursts out of her bake, dripping with gluteny criticisms.
PAUL HOLLYWOOD
Your flavors need work. Get them a job. My flavors are all firemen.
It starts raining sprinkles in the tent. Many contestants forgot to bake an umbrella. Paul scoffs and scones.
SANDI
Your time is burned. Present cakes.
All ninety-two contestants have built waffles not cakes. Paul’s hands shake into whisks of anger, giving everyone soggy bottoms.
STAR TREK
INT. USS ENTERPRISE RENT-A-CAR SPACESHIP
A trek crew treks through space, the final place to trek. The CAPTAIN KIRK is the captain and so is CAPTAIN PICARD. Picard is next generation. The bald generation.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Let’s go to a comet. Make it so.
CAPTAIN KIRK
Nice joke. But I have the hair so I have the power. We go to a planet.
SULU, the ship’s turner, can’t decide which button to hit.
SULU
Space has too many options. Two options. To many, it’s too many.
A space noise bleeps a blop. SPOCK, a thing with ears, hears.
SPOCK
Captains. An alien wants to speak to yous. This alien is from space.
CAPTAIN KIRK
Always from space, these aliens.
The ALIEN appears on a screen. It looks straight from space.
ALIEN
Please help us! Help us by dying.
The ship shakes, hit by a long and prosperous shake laser.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Set my phaser to mad. Make it so.
SPOCK
I cannot give the shields more power. They will abuse it.
The shields have a history of this. The ship shakes again. DATA, a man that ate a computer for its power, taps buttons.
DATA
Space is big. Let’s just leave.
Sulu hits a button and the ship warps to a comet. Now safe, Picard hits Kirk with the Captain’s Log tree weapon. Kirk is beamed unconscious. Picard walks to the space drink machine.
CAPTAIN PICARD
Tea. Earl Gay. Hot. Make it so. No. Make it tea.
The machine gives him a cup of hair. He’s a happy.
THE BACHELORETTE
EXT. UNMARRIED MANSION
The HOST, a floating suit that speaks, stands outside with the bachelorette: HANNAH “HANNAH” HANNAH. Hannah is girl of men’s dreams: blonde and nearby.
HOST
I can smell the big boys. They want your heart to pump them craft beer.
HANNAH
That is the goal of love.
MAN 1 enters. His body is a square. His head is just jaw.
MAN 1
Hello, my name is Chort Chomp. For work, I am a bus. Catholic style.
HANNAH
Good. We live in God’s Instagram.
Chort is called to war. MAN 2 enters, hair tucked into head.
MAN 2
Hello, my name is College Football. I invented salmon. Grasp my gift.
College hands Hannah a bouquet of investment banking.
HANNAH
Thank you, but I do not eat.
College rides a frisbee to Gym City. MAN 3 lands plane.
MAN 3
I am pilot named Billabong Alabama. I love my mom. She is this plane.
The plane confirms its motherhood by remaining still.
HANNAH
It’s brave for a man to have a mom.
Man 3 golfs himself into the mansion. MAN 4 enters, horse-riding him.
HANNAH (CONT’D)
I see a country boy.
Man 4 is country boy. He is the country of Germany.
GERMANY
Ignore me. I am married.
BLACK MIRROR
INT. HOUSE WITH NINETY COMPUTERS
A FATHER and a TEEN SON eat in a future kitchen. They eat mustard, the only food in the future. The kitchen smells like burnt Wi-Fi because future.
TEEN SON
Eating is not fun. I want to kiss on the internet. Mom would let me.
FATHER
Mom is gone. She was an app and I deleted her for not living British.
TEEN SON
Let’s push button to bring mom back. Moms are happier alive.
We see a button next to the fifty kitchen computers. It says: “MAKE M
OM” on it.
FATHER
But. The button is sharp.
The button is totally sharp. Pushing would stab the body.
TEEN SON
This is why we own sex drones.
Teen son throws a sex drone at the button. A MOM is made.
MOM
Where am I? Who are I? Where is I? Why button so sharp? I’m bad mom.
FATHER
Son, her memory is disgusting.
TEEN SON
It was mistake to act like God.com . Mom, please get murdered again.
Teen son throws a sex drone at mom. It goes through mom.
FATHER
Hologram mom from virtual reality dimension. Can’t even eat mustard.
MOM
Not true. I am so real.
Mom touches the mustard but it turns to ketchup which means we are not in future, but in way past. The computers were rocks. The sex drones were sex rocks. It is 1997.
JEOPARDY!
INT. JEOPARDY! DOME
Three CONTESTANTS stay far away from ALEX TREBEK. They are all named Louis to make the game fair.
TREBEK
Louis, you have all the power.
LOUIS 1
Give me “Rocks” for $50,000,000,000.
Words appear on a blue square. Trebek doesn’t trust them, but he reads them. It’s his job to read anything on blue squares. It is a good job.
TREBEK
“In China, they have these.”
LOUIS 3 buzzes in.
LOUIS 3
What are rocks?
TREBEK
No. Don’t talk again.
LOUIS 2 buzzes in.
LOUIS 2
What are big rocks?
TREBEK
Wrong! Enough from you.
Trebek takes Louis 2’s life essence. LOUIS 1 says, “BUZZ!”
LOUIS 1
What are Danny DeVitos?
TREBEK
Yes. Keep going.
LOUIS 1
Give me “Places with Oreos” for $19.
