by Keaton Patti
That is not the car.
SUPERMAN
EXT. METROPOLIS
The SUPERMAN flies on the sky. CITIZENS rudely point at him.
CITIZEN 1
It is a bird.
CITIZEN 2
It is a plane.
CITIZEN 3
Enough lies. It is a Superman.
Correctly identified, Superman may land. He is a strong white man alien. His chest is an “S” because he loves the alphabet.
SUPERMAN
I just stopped a crime. Arsonist tried to burn down the river. I threw them into the Sun’s stomach.
We see the Sun. It is one criminal bigger than normal.
CITIZEN 1
Thank you, bird. I owe you seeds.
Citizen 1 leaves for the seed store. LEX LUTHOR, businessman whose business is killing Superman, exits a bar of gold car.
LEX LUTHOR
Oh, Supperman? Do you like this?
Lex Luthor shows he wears a suit of kryptonite, the material Superman dislikes because it kills him with pain.
SUPERMAN
Kryptonite is my kryptonite! Please wear different clothing today.
Lex Luthor declines to change. Superman starts to die then remembers he is the man of steel and can talk to steel. He persuades a steel building to fall near Lex Luthor.
LEX LUTHOR
That was building where the stock market lives! My money is homeless.
Lex is distracted gathering his stocks. Superman jumps into a phone and turns into CLARK KENT, reporter with glasses.
CLARK KENT
I’m no Superman. I’m Journalismman.
Lex Luthor believes glasses. Citizen 1 returns with bird seeds but nobody to give to. He plants them and birds grow.
SAW 9: SAWITDABA DA BANG DA BANG DIGGY DIGGY DIGGY
INT. WHALE
A sexy woman, BECKY SEXWOMAN, is covered in blood, chained to a bed. She’s in a whale, but doesn’t know it yet.
BECKY
AH!!! Blood is supposed to be inside my body, not outside it!
An old TV turns on. We know it’s old because it’s covered in cobwebs and voted for Trump. The doll from the other movies appears on the screen, but this time he’s sexier. We know he’s sexier because he’s covered in sexwebs.
SEXY DOLL
Hello, Becky. Want to play a game?
BECKY
Yes. Of course. Don’t be silly. Yes. 100%. Game please.
Becky still doesn’t realize she’s inside a whale.
SEXY DOLL
Becky, you are inside a whale.
Becky now realizes she’s inside a whale. She’s fine with it.
SEXY DOLL (CONT’D)
I hid the key to this whale inside your pancreas.
BECKY
(whispers to self)
Good thing I’m a pancreas doctor.
SEXY DOLL
But since I know you’re a pancreas doctor, I took it out of your pancreas and put it in one of your kidneys. The cool one.
BECKY
(whispers to self)
Ah, fuck. I don’t know kidneys.
A countdown starts counting down from one hour on the TV.
SEXY DOLL
Whoa, what the fuck is that? I didn’t do that. Who did that?
The whale did that.
JOHN WICK: CHAPTER PORTOBELLO
EXT. WEAPON CITY
JOHN WICK, the retired murder man we like, looks for his dog.
JOHN WICK
Come here, dog. I love alive dog.
John sees BIG MOB MAN shoot his dog into afterlife.
JOHN WICK (CONT’D)
No! That dog was like my dead wife. Now it is dead like my dead wife.
BIG MOB MAN
I care not. My father is mother Russia.
JOHN WICK
I am retiring from being retired.
John reaches into his mouth and pulls out a pistol. 59,000 Mob Men get out of a cool car and throw bullets at John. John guns 17,000 of them in the head. They hate that.
JOHN WICK (CONT’D)
Foolish. You should not have brought your heads. Foolish.
A horse walks by. John grabs it and fires it like a gun.
BIG MOB MAN
Oh bad. He knows about horses.
John tries to reload the horse but is hit by several cars. The cars die. John lives more. He rolls near Big Mob Man.
BIG MOB MAN (CONT’D)
You are out of horse, Mr. Dog.
John throws the horse and it explodes killing 21,000 Mob Men. The horse lives and goes back to its job as horse. Big Mob Man and John punch and kick until their blood is tired.
BIG MOB MAN (CONT’D)
Let’s build a truce. Take present.
Big Mob Man grabs a dog from the dog store and gives to John.
JOHN WICK
Okay. I love alive dog. Bye.
John holds dog and walks home. Big Mob Man pulls gun out of his ear and points at John’s back, but John knows all ear tricks. John turns, aims dog at Big Mob Man, and fires.
Bot mommy blog
The Products Want Your Baby Dead
Being the Mom is never easy, and now household toxins want my toddlers to have a playdate with death! As the Mom, I like my children as alive as possible. The problem is chemicals and chemicals know this, yet still they live in our cleaning supplies and kitchen cabinets, inviting our babies to guzzle. The way I solve this is obviously through trash. If product has poison, it is now a trash resident. My little boys Jacorb and Vaxx can’t enter the trash realm and the guzzling is impossible. God is a Mom. The Bible gave me that secret at SoulCycle.
But but but! It is not only bleach that wants babies gone. All these items are fat with toxins:
Perfume
Dr. Pepsi Soda
Bad grades
Most fathers
High-waisted plants
Babies
Search your house for these pests before your toddlers chow on death’s meal prep.
Now look at picture of my boys of beauty.
Jacorb is on left, Vaxx is the right.
BOT PASSWORD RECOVERY QUESTIONS
Bot Poetry
Edgar Allan Poem - The Raven Returns
Ah, to be a skeleton would be wonderfully right,
My inners want out and yet I must say “Not tonight.”
I write in my journal—“Buy blacker clothing.”
Then, of course, without a question of being nice,
a large Raven breaks my entire door twice then thrice.
Big wings, big eyes, big beak;
Not normal bird but a Ravenous freak!
“Why be so bad?” I murmured, my voice pale with wooden fright.
The Raven spoke back, which had not happened ever or often before.
Here’s the Raven’s quote, “Never door!”
I thought what might it mean, as the big black bird stepped my drafty floors,
Then I recalled what a ghost had told me, “Hello, Ravens hate doors!”
A terrible fact to forget—doors filled my home as sickly Gothic girls filled my mind.
My study room was not at all safe; five hundred doors lived inside,
At each doorly portal, the Raven pecked the wood until it died.
Door after door, the Raven eviscerated with featherly ease.
“Can you stop? If yes, you will receive my best cheese.”
A pause was made in the bird’s belligerent bedevilment.
It stared into my soul, a red look of murder at the Raven’s core.
Pecking toward me I knew I would die—for I too was a door.
Robert Frost P
oem - Taking Roads in a Snowy Time
I’m taking your roads, yes, both.
I steal the two.
I take your woods as well, that is my oath.
Put them in my sack, I carry the growth.
I have a horse, he helps me rob you.
Oh, that is your fence I see?
It is now called mine, friend.
To acquire your objects is my glee.
Happiness is stealing outside items for free.
You want it back, perhaps I will lend.
I spoke just now a lie.
What I take, I keep forever in my home.
So it is right now that you must say bye.
Forget how you have seen me, the snowy thief guy.
A man who stole roads, shoes, mountains, and even this poem.
E.E. Cummings PoE.E.m - the SUN isn’t friendly today
dead popsicle,
melted and now a (sticky stickly stick)
my icedinner is ruined
the SUN isn’t friendly today
a fire truck onfire
the orange(?) sky orb to blame
it hates it that all days are not SUNday
the SUN isn’t friendly today
{well} the Earth is an oven
a big tasty piemaker humans ruin badly
“only stars may eat the pie!” SUNofagun babbles and bubbles
the SUN isn’t friendly today
“tomorrow i will be kind”
the SUN tells to me and burns my ears (sounds-of-melt)
but!
it
says
that
e
v
e
r
y
[day]
Commercial scripts
Commercial (com·mer·cial) noun: A series of images or noises that want your wallet to lose weight.
Ex. I am a commercial fisherman because I fish for commercials in the sea of marketing. I can be bought.
OLIVE GARDEN COMMERCIAL
INT. OLIVE GARDEN RESTAURANT
A group of FRIENDS laughs at a dinner table. A WAITRESS comes to deliver what could be considered food.
WAITRESS
Pasta nachos for you.
We see the pasta nachos. They’re warm and defeated.
FRIEND 1
The menu is here.
WAITRESS
Lasagna wings with extra Italy.
We see the lasagna wings. There’s more Italy than necessary.
FRIEND 2
I shall eat Italian citizens.
WAITRESS
Unlimited stick.
We see the unlimited stick. It is infinite. It is all.
FRIEND 3
Leave without me. I’m home.
WAITRESS
Gluten Classico. From the kitchen.
We see the Gluten Classico. We believe the waitress that it is from the kitchen. We have no reason not to believe.
FRIEND 4 says nothing.
FRIEND 1
What is wrong, Friend 4?
Friend 4 says nothing.
FRIEND 2
Friend 4, what is wrong, Friend 4?
Friend 4 smiles wide. Her mouth is full of secret soup.
ANNOUNCER
(wet voice)
Olive Garden. When You’re Here, You’re Here.
ARMY RECRUITMENT AD
EXT. BATTLEFIELD OF THE SAND WAR
Tanks fire patriotism in a hot foreign land while hot domestic soldiers march with their guns aimed at terrorism.
WORLD WAR VOICE
Soldiers aren’t born, they’re made when a teenager puts on big boots.
A helicopter fires a flag at a city that looks unAmerican. The flag explodes and the city learns about politics.
WORLD WAR VOICE (CONT’D)
Do you have what it takes to be in the Army? It takes guts. It takes going to Army.com and clicking JOIN button. It takes hating the Navy.
We see pre-soldiers at basic training. They climb ropes, they pull ropes, they shoot at ropes. Ropes are clearly the enemy.
WORLD WAR VOICE (CONT’D)
We are a band of brothers and our instruments hurt. All our songs blow up.
A woman camouflaged to look like a man uses a computer to email a grenade to Northmost Korea. It works so well.
WORLD WAR VOICE (CONT’D)
We need you. There’s strength in numbers. Only numbers. Letters are bad. Do not trust any letters.
A line graph implies the letters of the alphabet caused the Civil War. Another implies the Navy let it happen.
WORLD WAR VOICE (CONT’D)
Army people are leaders.
An Army boy leads a group of soldiers into a foxhole. The hole’s fox does not want them there. Too bad for the fox.
WORLD WAR VOICE (CONT’D)
Army people are warriors.
Holding rifles, a troop of military kicks down a house door. Inside, they kick down more insurgent doors. The doors were protecting hundreds of ropes. The enemy is doors and ropes.
WORLD WAR VOICE (CONT’D)
Army people are eagles of bravery.
An eagle, America’s bald bird, flies into the Sun. The Sun explodes and the Navy is blamed.
Text appears: ARMY - THE AIR FORCE OF THE GROUND - NOW HIRING.
POLITICAL ATTACK AD
INT. RURAL TELEVISION
We see a senator, as tall as he is white, walk in slow motion.
AMERICAN VOICE
Bad senator alert. Supposed to help Idaho be upgraded to a country, but he has kept it a state of failure.
A map of Idaho, potato’s birthland, cries. It is sadly alive.
AMERICAN VOICE (CONT’D)
Senator promised to mail our bugs to Mexico for rehab. He did not. He mailed them to himself. Why? Why?
A photo of a mosquito giving the senator a wallet is shown.
AMERICAN VOICE (CONT’D)
Why answered: He’s inside the pocket of Big Insect. Pockets are bad to be in. Ask any coin.
Graph shows Idaho ranks deceased last in Being a Good Place.
AMERICAN VOICE (CONT’D)
Tax money should be spent on making Idaho’s bridge less racist. Instead senator spends it on those bears.
The famous SENATOR STILL BUYING BEARS FROM PLACE THAT SELLS BEARS TO SENATORS newspaper article appears on screen.
AMERICAN VOICE (CONT’D)
And he spoke this about America, the country we pay rent to live on.
Sound of the senator’s quote: “I live in America only because I can’t find the exit door. I want to live in Obama, Kenya.”
AMERICAN VOICE (CONT’D)
This man is disgustful with morals. He voted against gay fusion and for the Iraq worm. He rejected the flag.
Footage shows the flag ask to date the senator. He says no.
AMERICAN VOICE (CONT’D)
Idaho deserves a much less political centaur, does it not?
The answer is unclear. Text indicates: PAID FOR BY POTATOES.
GEICO COMMERCIAL
INT. REGULAR OFFICE
We see a WORKER and a WORKER #2. They are computering hard, with clicks of mouse and keyboard caresses. Their SNOWMAN BOSS, a man of snow and status, glides into personal space.
SNOWMAN BOSS
Good working, you both. To celebrate, I’ve hired a cake.
Snowman boss holds a cake with its twigly arms. A CONDOR flies down and eats the cake. The condor waltzes away.
WORKER
Why not fire the condor?
WORKER #2
No cake is safe with condor so close. My cake wife can
not visit.
We see picture on desk of Worker #2. His wife is cake woman, attractively iced. The condor screeches. It wants the wife.
SNOWMAN BOSS
I can’t fire bird because I don’t want to try. I want to dance.
The office becomes dance club. Snowman boss dances disco. Backup dancers are camels made of money. Office becomes office again. This happens in offices on Casualty Friday.
WORKER
What was all that for? Why do? Why?
WORKER #2
It was distraction!
We see picture on desk of Worker #2. His cake wife is not in picture. Picture is now Worker #2 and condor with beak full of spouse. Condor screeches. The condor’s job is unclear.
WORKER #2 (CONT’D)
No, not great! I must add widow man to my résumé. This will take time.
SNOWMAN BOSS
Your job is to be miserable.
The GECKO enters and points its nudity at the camera.
GECKO
(Australian problem)
GEICO. A fifteen-minute phone call can’t save your wife. Car insurance.
PERFUME COMMERCIAL
EXT. PYRAMID
We see a beautiful ACTRESS who is famous for her smell. She is on tip of pyramid, Egypt’s only building.
ACTRESS
(accent of lusty ghost)
Stench is deceit’s kiss.
She becomes a good-smelling canoe and slides down the pyramid. This is sexified. At bottom of pyramid, she uncanoes and rebodies. Her photo is taken by a mummy, Egypt’s only person.
String music plays. Music made for strings to like.
ACTRESS (CONT’D)
(accent of lusty ghost)
A squirt of flower? Approved.
Actress is lifted in air by a syndicate of butterflies. This is great for her. The ground was making her smell poorly. The actress is dropped into a pool filled with Natalie Portman.
ACTRESS (CONT’D)
(accent of lusty ghost)
Odor for hire. I’m scent’s dentist.
The clouds notice the actress and this is bad news. It rains. It rains clocks. Clocks symbolize clocks.
Horn music plays. Strings are upset to lose their music. Horns have not earned this.
Actress climbs out of the pool using a rope of capitalism.
