Mad Love (Guns & Ink Book 1)

by Shana Vanterpool

  I stood in front of him, watching us in the mirror as he dried my hair for me. Hot air warmed my scalp as his fingers parted my hair, making sure to dry it all. He looked so tall behind me, his tattoos clashing with my clean, pristine bathroom. I liked it. Color, life—his tattoos told a story my bathroom never would. Once my hair hung down my back, he set my blow-dryer down and then wrapped his arms around me, meeting my eyes in the mirror.

  “Not a bad reflection,” he noted. He rested his chin on the top of my head.

  Our reflection was beautiful.

  I wrapped my arms around his, locking us together as his lips dropped to my neck. He kissed my pulse, his tongue ring flashing in the light. I showed the woman in the mirror my piercing too, the little crystal flashing. If I had a tattoo, we’d blend effortlessly. The idea made me want that too. To meld with him in every way. His midnight eyes met mine in the mirror; he turned my bones to liquid.

  “Let’s face the beast.” He gave my head a kiss and then let me go.

  When I came out, after putting my hair into a pony-tail, he was tying his boots. We smelled clean; no one would ever know that our almost sex was better than any feeling in the world. He took my hand when we got to the hall. Georgy was just coming up the stairs when we came down.

  He sagged in relief. “Why’d you change?”

  “I puked.”

  “Oh,” he said like that was the way it was now. He danced around, and then put his hand over his mouth in secret. “Leigh’s here.”

  “I heard.”

  “Want me to beat him up?” He swelled his chest.

  “No, Georgy. But thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” He jabbed his thumb at Klayton, who stood silently behind me, his hand wrapped securely around mine. “Is Klay?”

  “Depends,” he rumbled. “You got my back?”

  Georgy grinned and bounced up and down. “Finally, some action.”

  I gave him a playful shove. “No action. You be a sweet boy. That’s who you are.”

  He rolled his eyes. “I’m tough. Klay’s not sweet either. He’s Iron Man.”

  Iron Man shrugged when I looked at him in question, urging me on. He wanted to get this over with. I wanted to keep pretending Leigh was a part of my past. But even though his actions still stung, Leigh had to be upset. If the tables were turned, I would have lost it. Maybe my anger was a defense to that. I wouldn’t comfort him this time. He wasn’t mine to comfort.

  Mom was pouring potatoes into a colander when we came in. Steam floated around her body. Dad and Leigh were at the bar, nursing a beer. Leigh was twenty-one. He could drink. The sight of him did exactly what I knew it would. I was the old me, but I wasn’t anymore. Old Madi was confused. Leigh. She forgot that things weren’t as perfect as they appeared. Sure, there were moments when they were. There were times when I said I love you and meant it. But there were moments when I felt so wrong for him it drove me to tears. When he asked me to wrap my sweater around my waist, “Because sushi,” he’d teased, but he wasn’t teasing. There were good moments, like when I’d been up studying, and he’d shown up with breakfast, coffee, and flowers. Or when I gave him my virginity. That hadn’t sucked at all. He was gentle and loving. Old Madi needed to get over it.

  Dad took a sip of his beer, quickly putting it down and wiping his mouth off when he spotted me. He hadn’t tried hard to get me in here. He didn’t want this moment either. Schmoozing with the ex.

  Leigh looked over. My heart stuttered. Not in longing; it was an aftershock of all the times he’d made it stutter before. His short-styled light brown hair was as I remembered. Not a single hair out of place. His handsome face looked identical. His jaw and cheekbones were always breathtaking, and they still were, but my breath was still reeling from my afternoon with Klayton. His dark green eyes weren’t as easygoing as they’d been, and his whites were rimmed in red.

  When our eyes connected, his closed. “Thank, God,” he breathed, shooting over to me with his arms outstretched.

  No, I thought in horror. Don’t touch me. I froze. Klay tried to pull me away, but it was too late. Leigh was wrapped around me. His smell, his arms—they felt familiar. It was the only thing inside that kept my lunch down.

  “Oh, Madi,” he breathed, burying his face in my neck. “I missed you so much.”

  Leigh wasn’t tall. His height made it easier for me to reach. Which meant so was I. His arms tightened around me as he started to cry, making it harder to breathe. Hug him back, Old Madi ordered. I brought my arms hesitantly around him, using his chest to hide my eyes from the others.

  “Can we be alone?”

  I didn’t know. “Okay,” I whispered, and for some reason, he cried harder.

  He pulled away and wiped his face off on his shirt. “Can you excuse us for a few?” he asked, talking to my parents while looking at me.

  “Of course,” Mom said. “We’ll start dinner without you.”

  When Leigh moved, Klayton was there, eyes hooded. His anger was palpable. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to puke and cry at the same time.

  I reached for him—he was all I thought about—and the anger in his eyes lessened. I looped my finger in his belt loop and looked up at him, carving out our own bubble. He looked down at me, expression both furious and impassive at the same time. “I’ll be back, okay?” I whispered.

  “Go,” he mumbled. “I’ll, uh, show Georgy how Iron Man eats shepherd’s pie.”

  From behind us, Georgy’s forced deep voice sounded. “Give me a scotch.”

  My parents broke out into a chorus of reprimands as Klayton looked down at me with that impassive gaze of his. He wasn’t empty. He’d just shown me his emotions for hours. I rose on my toes and lifted my chin, unable to kiss him unless he wanted me too. He wanted me too. He pressed a soft kiss to my lips as our eyes stayed open, showing me a darkness behind his impassivity. When he’d done so, he straightened, refusing to look at Leigh or me again.

  I watched him as he sat down next to a sullen Georgy. When I turned back to Leigh, he glared. He didn’t mask it. He looked at Klayton and me with a flabbergasted expression. When he figured it out, he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the kitchen.

  “Don’t touch me!” I hissed, pulling my hand free.

  “Who is that?” he demanded.

  I put my finger in his face. “Do not touch me again, do you hear me? I don’t want to be touched!”

  His eyes widened at my outburst. “Fine, Madison. I’m sorry. Of course, you don’t want to be touched. Of course, you don’t.” Sadness slithered into his eyes. “Madison,” he breathed, realization hitting him. “You’re home.” He reached for me, but I stepped back. “Can we go upstairs?”

  He had no idea that for months as I lay tied down to that bed, I blamed him for it. I hadn’t missed him. Old Madi had. But she was in the past, and Mad ran this show now. But my manners were not gone, and the pain in his eyes was real and burning. “Yes.”

  He took off for the stairs, familiar with my house since we spent many weekends home from college here. When we got to my room, he closed my door and gave up any pretenses. Sadness and torture drug down his face. It made me gasp. His arms opened, and he walked to me, mouth open without sounds and his eyes gleaming with tears.

  “I want to hug you. I’ve been dreaming about when I’d get you back. How I’d fix everything I broke. How everything I ever did wrong led to this. I hate myself, Madison, for putting you in that situation. You were upset; you weren’t thinking, you walked right into a trap because of my pigheadedness. Because I cared more about what others thought about us than your feelings.” He broke wide open, spewing snot and tears everywhere. His knees hit the ground. “I will never forgive myself for what happened to you.”

  I could only stare. Leigh never broke. He never cried. He never bared his soul.

  He opened his arms wide. “Please come here. I won’t hurt you. I won’t do anything but love you.”

  The old me lay in shambles; I wasn�
�t so quick to go to him. “What did you do wrong?” I needed to hear him say it.

  He met my eyes boldly, not hiding anything like he had behind his perfection. “I’m shallow. I wanted you to be too. Being captain of the team, there was this pressure to be everything they thought I was. Handsome, flawless girlfriend, funny, smart, great grades, expensive clothes—I had to be the captain in every way. I put what I didn’t like about me onto you. I looked at you and saw the parts that would show everyone how much of a bullshitter I was. I just wanted to be as good as everyone said I was.”

  I glared down at him in disgust. “It wasn’t like that in the beginning.”

  “I know, I know. When I made captain … it went to my head. I’m not captain. I lost you. My asshole behavior hurt you in the worse way. I apologize, Madison, from the bottom of my soul. You’re beautiful. I keep thinking of everything I did wrong to you. You’re funny, smart, giving, kind, sexy, loving—you’re amazing. I didn’t realize that until you weren’t there anymore.” He buried his face in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably.

  For a brief moment, my heart bled for him. Then I remembered that I’d been out late that night studying because he’d broken up with me that afternoon before I’d planned on going to the library. Early, safe. But he blindsided me when he wanted to break up, accusing me of not caring enough about myself to be with him. Like I should smile more, eat less, be perfect so he could earn his pride. I didn’t comfort him. This was his pain, not mine. I had enough of my own to deal with, without worrying about Leigh’s too.

  “Forgive me.”

  “Would that make you feel better? If I forgave you?” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Would all be absolved if I said that?”

  He didn’t say anything, because what was the point? For him, it would. I was home; he was forgiven, let’s forget all about this.

  “All I wanted was for you to come home. Safe. Healthy. Alive.” He choked on his sob, turning it into a cough. “I got that. That’s all that matters. You. I love you,” he continued, his pain making me uncomfortable. It was too raw not to be real. “I’ve loved you since the day we met. You remember?”

  “Leigh.”

  “Do you? It was the first day of our finance class. Mr. Hardy had us all introduce ourselves and why we were taking his class. When you stood up, you smiled and said, ‘My name is Madison, and if I’m going to inherit my father’s business someday, I want to be able to bring it into the twenty-first century.’ You were cute and positive. So sweet and sexy in your skirt and sandals. I knew you’d be my girl. It took some time, but you finally said yes.” His tears and snot bled together. “You said yes because you love me too.”

  Loved. I loved him. Somehow between my abduction and attack my love for Leigh had reverted to its owner. My heart wasn’t his. It was mine again. “I remember.”

  He patted my carpeted floor. “Come here.”

  And suddenly, I didn’t feel like crying on the floor anymore. Not with him. I wasn’t falling again unless I had to. “I forgive you, Leigh.”

  “Is it him?” He jabbed his thumb over his shoulder, but we both knew who he meant.

  “No,” I promised. “My relationship with Klayton has nothing to do with ours.”

  “But we still have a relationship, right?”

  “Sure.” His eyes brightened. “As friends.” His eyes darkened. “I’m not okay right now. I don’t need to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand how I feel. He understands. Something tells me you never will.”

  “Why are you doing this?” He stood up, angry. “You think that piece of shit downstairs can help you?”

  My anxiety skyrocketed at his anger. This was true anger, and not one that would listen to me the way Klay’s would. “He isn’t a piece of shit. He’s amazing.”

  He snorted. “He’s a tattooed freak. He probably has a record a mile long.” When I cringed, he gasped. “He’s been to prison? Madison! What’re you thinking?” He did what he always did when he was upset. He ran both hands through his hair and then motioned wildly with both. “He looks like a thirty-year-old.”

  My eyes rotated in irritation. “He does not.” Klayton was gorgeous.

  “You think your dad’s going to let you be with him? Yeah right. Think about this, babe. You’re going to do what with this guy? Date him? Marry him? Have kids with him? Have a life with a guy who probably breaks into houses for a living? He’s never going to be able to give you the life I can. I’m going pro. I can give you the life you’re used to. Money, houses, kids who have an IQ …”

  He continued ranting, throwing lies and judgments at me. Dating sounded like something the old me did. All I wanted to do now was taste Klay’s body and watch him taste mine. I looked down at my ring finger, imagining it with a diamond. I touched my flat stomach, imagining having Klayton Caldwell’s children. My heart felt like it was beating inside out. Heat raced across my skin. My mouth was dry. I knew then, in a single second, that my love for Klayton went beyond anything I’d ever imagined. Those milestones were dreams, and maybe he’d find a way to do everything Leigh was saying, but nothing about Klayton scared me unless he wasn’t there.

  “Enough. This’s what I’m talking about. I can barely function, Leigh. I don’t need to worry about how you feel on top of fearing how I feel.”

  “You worry how he feels?” My silence answered for him. “Madison, this isn’t fair. You’re my girlfriend. We broke up, but we would’ve gotten back together. I would’ve taken you back in a heartbeat.”

  What had I ever seen in him? “You would have taken me back? Well, aren’t I a lucky girl? I got dumped by Leigh Statham for not being a size two anymore and not kissing your ass every five seconds, so your stupid jock friends would know that you were king. You’re not king! You’re just a regular guy who hasn’t fallen yet.”

  He stared at me like he was seeing me for the first time. Well, the feeling was mutual.

  “Why are you so mad at me? I can see it in your eyes; you’re so mad at me.” He knew why, which was why the pain was back in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Madison.” He shook his head, shaking something from his mind. “You’re right. This isn’t about how I feel. There I go again. This is about you. Only you. Can we talk without arguing?”

  “Talk about what?”

  “Us.”

  “There is no us anymore. You dumped me. Our relationship is over. Even if Klayton weren’t downstairs right now, I still wouldn’t be with you.” Leigh wouldn’t have been half as patient as Klayton was. It wasn’t in him. He was the best, and everyone’s life gravitated around him. “I don’t want to think about how you feel twenty-four-seven anymore. Look what it got me the first time.” I shot fire at him.

  “So we’re over?” His eyes began to tear again. “We’re never going to kiss each other again? Cuddle? Make love?” That earned another cough-sob from him. “I’m not over you. I didn’t break up with you because I didn’t love you. I broke up with you because I was a prick!”

  I hugged myself. “We’re over.”

  “You don’t miss me?”

  “I do,” I admitted, earning a ray of hope. “I do miss you. But I miss the old me more. I have to heal her, not you.”

  He came closer, touching my elbows. His heavy breathing fanned across my face, a tinge of beer on his breath. “You can miss me again. We were together for a year, Madison. Please, hug me. Please,” he begged, his hands shaking on my elbows.

  The part of me that still cared for him wanted to comfort him. I gave in with a sigh, wrapping my arms around him as his came tightly around me. Panic seized my chest. He buried his face in my neck and held me, rocking us back and forth. When his lips pressed to my pulse, I froze, my eyes shooting open. When they did, I found Klayton leaning against the door watching us. His face was empty of emotion. When our eyes met, he gave me a dark wink, as if to imply, bravo, you managed to trick me into falling for you too. Then he shrugged away from the door and walked away.

  “Klayton!”
I shoved Leigh aside and ran after him, catching up to him half-way down the stairs. “Don’t leave. Please don’t leave.”

  He spun around, making me run into him. He grabbed the tops of my shoulders to steady me. He looked into my eyes. “Who said I’m leaving?” He looked slack and expressionless. “I was checking on you. But you looked to be in good hands.” He let me go. “Shepherd’s pie’s getting cold.”

  I didn’t like this. I didn’t like this at all. I felt sick to my stomach and anxious like if I didn’t do anything right now, he’d destroy us. But he walked away too quickly. He hadn’t accused me of anything, and I hadn’t done anything. But he was upset. His forced nonchalance was a way to protect himself from what he was feeling. It was that or anger. He’d chosen empty instead of rage. He’d never done that before.

  When I went into the kitchen, Leigh came up behind me, giving me a knowing look as he walked around me and joined my family with a fake pleasant smile and a thank you. The only free seat was beside Klayton and my father. I sat down, too discontent to eat.

  Mom set a plate down in front of me, piled high with her mashed potatoes and meat. “Thank you,” I mumbled.

  “This is everything I ever wanted,” Mom said, the emotion in her voice making me look up. She was beaming at me, tears burning in her eyes. She held Leigh’s hand as they both smiled at me.

  I looked back down at my plate, feeling the darkness from the man beside me. Thankfully, Leigh started talking about his favorite topic. Himself. He was re-enrolling for next semester, he’s perfect, hockey this, hockey that, blah, blah, blah. My father was smart and didn’t join in. He barely ate. Because he knew he was wrong, but he’d never say so. He’d never apologize. It wasn’t in him. I didn’t think I needed an apology. I just needed to breathe and not feel sorry for it.

  Unable to help myself, I peeked at Klayton. He was staring down at his own plate, his fork pushing around a lone pea. His eyes were far away, somewhere else than beside me. I put my hand on his thigh to get his attention. His dark midnight eyes shot to mine. Then I did the only thing I could to make my parents and Leigh understand.