His eyes searched hers. “How did you get to be so wise?”
She let out a mirthless laugh. “You’ve asked the wrong person. I’m not dealing with my loss very well. Except for this afternoon, I haven’t been able to put anything on paper except for my clients. You at least produced a glimpse of your inner self for the doctor. That took incredible courage. Looking inward is a frightening experience, one I haven’t found the guts to try yet.”
Walker wore a solemn expression as he gathered up his things. “My next group-therapy session is next Tuesday at seven. We’re encouraged to bring family members and friends. If you’d like to come with me, it will give you a chance to talk to other vets and possibly get answers as to why Brent held back from you.
“My thinking is, you’ll find he wasn’t the only husband who couldn’t open up. Hopefully with more understanding, it will help rid you of some of your guilt for being angry with him. Think about it. I’ll give you a call when I’m ready to leave for Powell. If you decide to come, I’ll swing by for you.”
Chapter Seven
May 25
Walker surveyed the assembled group of vets from the doorway of the conference room. Dr. Bader nodded to him. “It looks like you’ve brought someone with you. Come on in and find a seat in the circle.”
Cupping Paula’s elbow, he ushered her over to some empty chairs next to Stan, who’d told him about the Tang. Every guy followed her progress with varying reactions that ranged from blatant male interest to disinterest, to vague hostility over a woman’s presence. There were eight in the room, including Dr. Bader.
“As all of you know, you’re welcome to bring anyone you like to these sessions. Walker Cody is the most recent addition to our group. Please introduce your guest.”
“This is Paula Olsen. Her husband was killed in an explosion in Afghanistan eighteen months ago. She has a two-year-old son and is still dealing with issues that haven’t been resolved. I told her she could address them here.”
“Welcome, Mrs. Olsen. What we do here is totally informal. Anyone who has something to say can start.”
As several minutes passed without anyone taking the initiative, Walker felt as if he was at a poker game. Everyone was at a different intensity level and wore a different face, but nobody was prepared to show his hand.
To his surprise, Paula went first. “It’s pretty obvious my being here has stifled you gentlemen. It doesn’t intimidate me, but it does make me realize men have difficulty opening up in front of a woman. Even though I was Brent’s wife, he wouldn’t share his war experiences with me while he was deployed. I got angry about that.”
“Why?” One of the men spoke up in a surly tone. “You really wanted to know what he was doing out there in that hellhole day and night? You wanted him to tell you he’d just picked his buddy’s brains off his jacket because he hadn’t seen the ambush coming and it was his fault?”
“Yes,” she said without flinching. “I would have preferred that to the not knowing.”
He shook his head. “Your naïveté is pathetic.”
Walker’s hand automatically tightened into a fist.
“He went to war to protect me and Clay.”
“Was he in the Reserves?”
“Yes.”
“Then he never thought he’d serve time. No doubt he wanted a way to pay for his schooling and ended up being Uncle Sam’s pawn before he was sent home in a body bag.”
Her chin went up. “Whatever the reason that sends a man to war, the least I could do was listen to him if he wanted to tell me he was afraid so I could tell him I was afraid, too, and we’d get through it together. It hurt me to be deprived of that aspect of his life. In my anger, our communication suffered. I’ve been filled with guilt ever since. Can you understand that?”
“Hell no—”
“Speak for yourself!” another man interjected. “I’d have given anything if my wife had wanted to listen, but she didn’t. When I got home, she wanted life to get back to the way it was before I left. It was like the three years I was gone had meant nothing to her. We split up and she took the kids.”
“Sounds like your marriage wasn’t in that great a shape before you left.” This from a man sitting on the other side of Walker. “Mine wasn’t, either. We’re still separated. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“I’ve been back five months,” said the guy on Dr. Bader’s right. “My wife and I are doing a little better, but she still can’t sleep with me because I need noise.”
“Get some headphones and listen to your iPod.” Someone else threw out the suggestion.
“I tried that, but she feels shut out when I do that, so I stay in the living room on the couch and fall asleep watching TV. Then she just walks around with this hurt look in her eyes until I can’t take it.”
“Do you still get flashbacks?” Paula asked him.
“Yes.”
“Do you think you might be using noise as an excuse to stay away from your wife in case you get one and you’re afraid you might hurt her by accident?”
The room went quiet as a tomb as every guy in there stared at her.
“Now there’s a thought worth investigating, Jack.” Dr. Bader remarked. “Have you talked to her about them?”
“When I first got home I told her I had nightmares.”
“But a flashback is different from a nightmare because they can happen anytime,” Paula interjected. “Walker had one the day we met at a dog parade. After he prevented my son from getting bitten, he thought he was back in Iraq trying to save a child from a bomb about to go off.
“He ran from me because he was afraid of accidentally hurting someone in the process. Until he explained, I didn’t understand, but I was never afraid of him. Your wife won’t be afraid, either.
“Walker telling me what was driving him at that moment allowed me to share a little of the war with him. You can’t imagine the difference that has made to me. It wouldn’t occur to me not to feel safe with him.”
Walker didn’t know that. Her admission relieved him of a fear he’d been holding in.
“Why don’t you tell your wife the truth?” Paula continued. “Sleep with her tonight without your iPod. I bet she’ll be so relieved to know the real reason you want noise, she’ll do anything to help you. I promise her hurt look will go away if you give her half a chance. Women can be tough, too.”
The other man studied her for a minute. “I’ll think about it.”
“A couple of black eyes or a jab to the jaw will really endear you to her,” said the most belligerent member of the group.
Paula sat forward. “She’ll prefer that to being treated like a piece of crystal that only sits on a shelf to be admired. After Brent went to war and he stopped sharing, I was afraid he saw me as someone weak and diminished in his eyes. It knocked the underpinning out from under me when all along I thought we’d had a solid marriage.”
In the short time Walker had known her, he’d thought he’d understood, but it took tonight’s discussion to recognize the difference between intellectual and emotional understanding of her pain.
She turned her head to the man who needed help. “Naturally she couldn’t share combat with you, but if you’ll allow her to get inside your psyche, she’ll feel more a part of your experience. My husband robbed me of that. I’m afraid I lost a lot of confidence and then took it out on him without meaning to.” Her voice trembled.
Dr. Bader nodded. “Mrs. Olsen has given you guys a lot to think about.”
“What if I have flashbacks for the rest of my life?” The man sounded anguished.
“What if you do?” she fired back. “Some people live with lifelong illnesses, but they and those they love deal with them.”
“You know what I think?” the angry one cried out. “You’re another shrink planted in here talking bullshit!”
Walker shot to his feet. “In case you’ve forgotten, this isn’t the battlefield. You need to watch your mouth, soldier!” He checked h
is watch. There were fifteen minutes remaining, but he refused to subject Paula to any more. “Let’s go,” he muttered and clasped her hand.
She got up, ready to follow him out the door. Dr. Bader sent him a speaking glance as if to say they’d talk tomorrow at his next appointment.
When they were back in the truck, he turned to her before starting the motor. “Paula—”
“I know what you’re going to say,” she interrupted him. In the semidarkness of the cab her face looked flushed. “Don’t you start treating me like a piece of crystal or I couldn’t take it.”
“Actually my intention was the exact opposite.” He leaned across and pulled her into his arms. For a long time he simply rocked her, wanting to give comfort. “You were magnificent in there,” he whispered into her silky blond hair. “The guys didn’t know what hit them.”
“That guy was so angry. The poor thing.”
“You hit a nerve. Dr. Bader will no doubt explore it with him in private. You were good for the group.” You’re good for me, Mrs. Olsen. I wish to hell you weren’t. With reluctance he let her go and turned on the ignition. “I’m hungry. What about you?”
“I’d enjoy a hamburger.”
“Good.” They pulled out of the parking lot and headed for the nearest drive-through. A few minutes later they had their food and were on their way back to Cody. He looked over at her. “What are you thinking?”
She’d been munching on a French fry. “That every man who has seen military action has hang-ups. On a surface level I think I already knew it, but tonight opened my eyes a little more to the fact that Brent wasn’t a unique case. That helps me. And I learned something else.”
Pleased to hear that much of an admission, he said, “What was that?”
“From the beginning you were willing to admit your PTSD terrified you. I find it even more humbling that you could admit it to me. That makes you very special.”
“I hardly had a choice after you caught me in the act,” he said before pulling up in front of her apartment.
“You mean in the act of doing something selfless?” She smiled gently. “Thank you for letting me come to the session tonight. It’s given me a lot to think about.” She didn’t know the half of it. “I’d like to thank you again for the lovely day at your cabin.”
“Come up any time you want to paint, whether I’m there or not. This weekend if you’d like. The columbines should be out. Whites, blues, purples…”
“Oh I’d like—” she blurted, then paused. Looking disappointed, she said, “Maybe one day I’ll take you up on your generous offer, but it’s my father-in-law’s birthday Saturday. I promised to drive to Garland on Friday and stay until Sunday night. They wish I lived there so they could see more of Clay. Naturally he’s the joy of their lives.”
Of course she wanted to be around Brent’s parents. It kept his memory alive. Walker’s hand tightened on the steering wheel. To enjoy Paula’s company meant dealing with a crowd of three. What was he doing? You’re a fool, Cody.
“Will you be going to Hugo for the rodeo?” Her question seemed to come out of the blue.
“No. My hazer and I will be competing at the Last Stand Rodeo in Coulee City, Washington.”
“Sounds like you’ve got your work cut out for you, then.” She averted her eyes and opened the door. “No—please stay where you are. I’ll see myself to the door.”
PAULA LET HERSELF INSIDE the apartment. “Angie!” she exclaimed. “Where’s Katy?” Her friend was sitting on the couch going through a packet of correspondence.
Angie put it down. “I got accepted back into the nursing program and want your advice to make some decisions fast, so I told Katy she could go home. Don’t worry. I paid her. Danice is in the guest bedroom asleep in the playpen.”
“I’m so glad you’re here.” She sank down in one of the chairs facing the couch. “What’s wrong?”
She bit her lip. “Everything.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have gone to that support group. I was afraid it might upset you too much.”
Paula shook her head. “That part was fine. Enlightening even. If we had time, I’d tell you what went on, but I know you need to talk.”
“We’ve got all night. Tell me what happened.”
After Paula finished relating the details, Angie said, “I’m impressed with Walker. He’s the opposite of Brent.”
“In what way?”
“Instead of trying to shield you, he took you with him and threw you in the deep end of the pool, watching to see if you could swim. I guess he doesn’t know yet that you were a champion swimmer for the University of Idaho.” Angie sat forward. “So what’s really going on with you and Walker Cody?”
“Nothing.”
Her brows lifted. “I thought you just spent the past four hours with him.”
“We don’t have a normal relationship. I don’t even know what you’d call it.”
“Then what’s the problem, aside from the fact that you feel you’re betraying Brent’s memory for being attracted to him?”
She stirred restlessly. “I wish I felt this attraction for anyone else… Matt Spurling—”
“Oh, Paula, you should hear yourself. Whatever isn’t going on between you and Walker, it’s not for the lack of chemistry.”
“I realize that.” Her head lifted. “He’s gone back to competing in the rodeo.”
“That’s what Codys do.”
“It’s dangerous. His best friend died in the box.”
“So if you were ever to really care for him, you could lose him like you did Brent.” Angie could see right through her. “Do you know how crazy that sounds? Your mind has gone from A to Z and the two of you haven’t even dated!”
Paula bowed her head. “I told you I’m a mess.”
“That’s because you’re stuck in a groove going nowhere. If you’d allow yourself to get to know him, you’d discover he has flaws like every guy. Maybe you’d be turned off by them and all this premature angst over death wouldn’t be the major issue.”
Her friend was right. “You always make good sense, Angie. How am I going to handle it when you’re not downstairs anymore?” She stood up. “I’ll get us a couple of diet sodas from the fridge, then I want to hear about your plans.”
“Before we change the subject, one piece of advice from soon-to-be Nurse Gregson here.”
“What?”
“Remove your widow’s shroud and give yourself permission to take up your life again, even if Brent can’t. He wouldn’t want you to remain in limbo, Paula. You know he wouldn’t.”
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN—you just saw Walker Cody from Markton, Wyoming, who won his world title in 2004. Tonight he stopped the clock at 3.9 seconds, fastest time here at the Coulee Last Stand. With this kind of momentum, he’s set for the Canyonlands Rodeo in Utah next weekend. Tonight Bobby Rich, number three in the world standings from Reno, Nevada, was just one-tenth of a second behind him at 4.0. This is steer wrestling at its best.”
Walker could hear the announcer as he walked Peaches to the trailer parked behind the arena. Boyd walked alongside him leading his horse Jester. He kept glancing at Walker. “It was the best night for you yet. What’s wrong?”
“3.9s aren’t fast enough or anything close, Boyd. The Cody Roundup is only five weeks away. I’ll have to put up a time of 3.4 or a 3.5 if I hope to win, and it’s not going to happen.”
“That’s no way to talk. You beat everyone out there tonight.”
“The steer cooperated and you’re still the best hazer around. I’m the problem, Boyd. Let’s face it. I’m an old man and have set myself an almost-impossible task by starting to compete so late in the season. No matter how much practice we’ve been putting in for the past three weeks, I can’t seem to shave off any more time. That 4.0 I got in Redding was a disaster!”
“Look, Walker, you can tell me I’m out of line if you want to, but there’s something else eating at you and it’s putting you at a psychological disadvantag
e.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“That’s what I mean. You’ve let something build in your head without dealing with it. That’s why you feel like you’re off your game.”
Paula was in his head. That’s what was wrong. Damn if she hadn’t messed with his mind since the first time he’d looked into those soulful blue eyes of hers. After the other night he decided he was through with her, but he hadn’t counted on this emptiness.
“Why don’t you come with me? I’m meeting some of the guys over at Phil Kennard’s trailer and we’re going into town.”
“Thanks for the invite, but I’d be lousy company.” Walker didn’t want to be with a bunch of younger guys on a Saturday night. He wanted to be with Paula, but not if she couldn’t get over Brent.
“Then why don’t you charter a plane and fly to the ranch tonight? I’ll drive the horses back tomorrow.”
“You shouldn’t have to do it alone.”
“I’ll find someone to go with me.”
“You’re a good man.” He breathed in deeply. “If I can arrange it, I think I will get out of here tonight.”
“There’s nothing like your own bed if you need a good night’s sleep. Do you ever get one? You know—since you’ve been back from Iraq?”
“Sometimes,” he answered honestly.
Though Walker’s bedroom in the trailer was separate from the living room hide-a-bed where Boyd slept, they were close enough that he had to be aware when Walker had one of his more restless nights.
He’d told Boyd to be prepared in case he had a flashback, but to his surprise and relief, there hadn’t been any while they’d been gone. In fact there’d been no incidents for quite a while. Staying physically fit really seemed to help.
Walker felt his friend’s compassion. “What can I do to help?”
“Hang in there with me. If we can hold our own next weekend, there’ll be another ten thousand dollars for you.”
“Why do you keep trying to throw your share of the money at me?”
“Because I don’t know anyone else who’d be able to put up with me.” He patted Boyd’s shoulder. “I’ll see you at the ranch on Monday.”
Walker: The Rodeo Legend Page 11
